Articles Schmarticles … Show Us The Boobs !!!

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When I think of great reading material the only true publication that jumps out at me without even giving it a second thought is Playboy. Month after month, year after year they churn out some of the  most interesting and in depth articles covering the gamut from polictics to Super Bowl MVPs, from how to get your woman off in 30 seconds to tips for deep frying a turkey on Thanksgiving. And in some circles “deep frying a turkey” just happens to be a term for getting your woman off involving Crisco in a bathtub with a turkey baster, so you see, they’re pretty damn smart without even knowing it. So you could probably understand my utter glee when I discovered that the double edition, holiday anniversary issue of Playboy for Jan/Feb 2012 was going to feature Elmore Leonard and George Pelecanos … HOLY SHIT !!! Not to mention the 20 greatest cocktails and cars of the year … CARS OF THE FUCKING YEAR PEOPLE !!!

With that gleam in Jill's eyes, Mark knew it was Deep Fry Time !!

The truth of the matter is, without Playboy, I wouldn’t even know what “cocktail” actually meant unless it had the words Pabst Blue Ribbon painted on the glass with an all American red, white and blue label to let me know that it was worthy of pouring down my gullet. Cock … tail … to the untrained ear that could really be misconstrued as some sort of weird rooster appendage, or even worse, a tail that looked like a … you get the idea. So thank you Playboy, thank you for making a silly layman like me into a cultured sophisticate looking refined when I order a Vieux Carre at the Keefer when I’m jet-setting in BC, or when I make simple conversation about how one should never even THINK of mentioning the Bentley GT V8 in the same breath as the Carrera 4 GTS, two completely different animals, and if you don’t understand the subtleties then please excuse yourself from this conversation sir. Oh, and apparently some drunk chick who’s spent the last 2 years failing to make it to court hearings got paid a cool million for showing us her tits. Yay America!

Celebrities Gone Wild (Boobs Edition)

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Only 5 short days ago I wrote about how Nicki Minaj’s left boob wanted to see the live audience on Good Morning America and decided to leave the confines of its snug little bra-home and smile for the cameras. “Pulling a Janet Jackson” was then coined by yours truly which I have just recently shortened to “Pulling a JJ” if you’re nasty.

Well it seems that these dirty little female singers aren’t done flashing us the goods. Two days after Nicki’s “accident”, another pair of funbags deployed when Kelly Rowland was performing in New Jersey on Sunday. Not to be outdone by Nicki, Kelly decided to up the ante and let both of them do some backup dancing with her during the concert and later told her Tweetster fans that she hopes they didn’t mind the “peekaboo”.

Look ladies, I’m not against you baring your num-nums to get some exposure, but don’t you realize that Playboy would actually pay you to let those rib-bumpers loose on the world. I’m just lookin’ out for ya, that’s all, because once the goombas have been released, there’s really nothing left to hope to see one day. But the selfish part of me is now hoping this dairy-pillows dispensing trend becomes as big as PLANKING has, I mean crap, who doesn’t wanna see millionaire bazoombas for free? But what you’re not realizing is that it’s all about when and where the chesticles are showcased, and now you’re the next casualty of the Peekaboo-NipSlip-BoobyShow-WardrobeMalfunction war of poor timing. You’re boring now, NEXT !!!

Get that girl some Mardi Gras beads !!

Reaching 100 With Class

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Cooler than that hundred. Not quite as cool as the hundred he got shortly after taking this picture.
Cooler than that hundred. Not quite as cool as the hundred he got shortly after taking this picture.

It’s been almost exactly four months since this Candy filled Van of hilarity and yuks hit the road. We like to think in that time we have firmly established ourselves as one of the class acts of internet humor sites.

It is with that standard of excellence in mind that we come to you today to celebrate our 100th bloggy contribution to the world of internet chuckles. Naturally, on such a momentous occasion, we at Van Full of Candy wanted to celebrate our 100th post in the classiest way we could think of. And after much pinky extended thought and salad fork musing, we finally settled on how best to mark this special moment in keeping with the lofty standards of excellence that we have established for ourselves and our viewers over the previous 99 classy missives.

So ladies and gentlemen, in honor of our 100th post Van Full of Candy is proud to present 100 newly minted terms for our favorite private parts in no particular.

Please, enjoy.

Dumb & Dumber
No Shoes No Shirt No Service
T-shirt Tents
Earl Grey
The Baby Laser
Squeezy Toys
Whistle Rocket with Report
The Comfy Sisters
Big & Slightly Bigger
Moist Cave
The Orbs of Testicleez
The Stinky Off Ramp
Justice Gavel
Two Percent & Skim
Foul Mouthed Cheeky Bastard
The Womb Wick
DJ Spunky on the Ones and Twos
Wrong Turn of the Taint Junction
Convex Happiness
Marble Madness
The Good Kind of Fatty Sacks
Dangly Bits
Two Cups of Cream
Professor Blumpkin’s Mine
Low Hanging Fruit of the Vine
Cashew and Pistachio
Groin Uvula
Comfort Food
Happy Dampy
The Batcave
The Fellas
Smeary sandwich
Cave of Wonder
Turtle Crowning
Red Velvet Cake Taco
The Goal
Rusty Busted Pipe Burst
Abalone Avenue
The Enchanted Forest
Kielbasa Holder
Sack Religious
Germany’s Main Event
Kate Spades
Hefty Cinch SAK
Don King
Jack LaLanne’s Power Juicer
Non Almond Joys
2 Egg Omelette
Happy Time Fun Factory
Slip n Slide
Uncle Peen’s Humid Summer Cabin
Jack’s Magical Beans
The Mystery Spot
The Brothers Bouncy
The Joy Chasm
Puddin’ Pie
Easy Bake Oven
Corn Smuggler
The Tender’s
Spitter of Unborn Souls
Target Practice
Bag o’ Fun
Salami Sleeve
Bread Box
Bologna Rollup
Manual Transmission Stick
Daddy’s One Time Only Drunken Birthday Promise
Splinterless Totem Pole
The Sprinkler
Duncan Hines Brownie Factory
Chilean Mine Collapse
You’re Welcome
The Log Ride
Severe Tire Damage
Tijuana Pony Show
The ol’ Mouth Full
Silky Soft Semen Satchel
The ex’s Speed Bag
Cream filled Flesh Twinkie
The Inside Out Uterus
Please Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em
Flappy Hand Warmer
The Dream Eater
The Rib Cage Ridge
Stargate: Pooplantis
Spare Eyeballs
Open Face Tuna Melt
The Path of Least Resistance
The Apology Hole
The Pink Piston
Torso Speed Bumps
The Llama
Perky Poncho Protrusions
The Man Handle