Australia

Australia’s Great White Shark Is a Weak Ass Bitch

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Australian scientists uncovered the eyes of a 500 million year old super predator who dominated the oceans and would be considered in today’s standards, the great white shark of noicepolyolithiorianlike times. Now you’re probably wondering what the hell just finding the eyes has any relevance to this great white Australian discovery right? Well it’s because prior to this only the body of the Anomalocaris, which name I neglected to mention earlier, but figured it didn’t matter much because who really gives a shit about the names of dinosaurs, amoebas and state capitals … had been found until the alwayslookingtomaketheircountrylookbetter scientists among others of Australia decided to let this story go to show that this who has the bigger dick contest is still on, but didn’t realize that size really matters.

The eyes, don’t look into they eyes !! The Medusa of predatorial fish, the Anomalocaris had 16,000 lenses in each eye, fives times the amount of the ordinary everyday housefly. This muthafukkin barraccuda could see the muthafukkin future, but one thing it didn’t see was the ice … all that ice that buried it’s oracle ass deep in the mud off the Australian coast. Now here comes the kicker … this megakiller, this “great white shark”, this predator of predators who had no equal measured a killer whale size of a whopping 3 feet in length. Three feet? This is the horrible monster that Australia brags to take on America’s JAWS? Oh, Australia, here’s another kick to the groin, we already have a landshark with eyes that big …

Australia's Great White Shark Is a Weak Ass Bitch

Posted on

Australian scientists uncovered the eyes of a 500 million year old super predator who dominated the oceans and would be considered in today’s standards, the great white shark of noicepolyolithiorianlike times. Now you’re probably wondering what the hell just finding the eyes has any relevance to this great white Australian discovery right? Well it’s because prior to this only the body of the Anomalocaris, which name I neglected to mention earlier, but figured it didn’t matter much because who really gives a shit about the names of dinosaurs, amoebas and state capitals … had been found until the alwayslookingtomaketheircountrylookbetter scientists among others of Australia decided to let this story go to show that this who has the bigger dick contest is still on, but didn’t realize that size really matters.

The eyes, don’t look into they eyes !! The Medusa of predatorial fish, the Anomalocaris had 16,000 lenses in each eye, fives times the amount of the ordinary everyday housefly. This muthafukkin barraccuda could see the muthafukkin future, but one thing it didn’t see was the ice … all that ice that buried it’s oracle ass deep in the mud off the Australian coast. Now here comes the kicker … this megakiller, this “great white shark”, this predator of predators who had no equal measured a killer whale size of a whopping 3 feet in length. Three feet? This is the horrible monster that Australia brags to take on America’s JAWS? Oh, Australia, here’s another kick to the groin, we already have a landshark with eyes that big …

Planking? Deadly!! Thumplanking? Awesome!!

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What parents in their right mind would ever put their child in such a dangerous situation?

So the new fad of “planking” has become the one fun thing in this world that is out to kill you!! We’ve written about many many things that want to kill you, murder you and make you very very dead, but this one is just the dumbest. What you do is lie on your stomach make your body very stiff and have your picture taken doing it in some sort of public place. Sounds safe enough right? WRONG you uneducated planking fool. It’s killing people! It’s so damn dangerous that the Prime Minister in Australia is “calling an end” to the internet phenomenon after a man died after falling from a 7th story balcony whilst planking and having his picture taken. Now what would have been really cool is if the friend who was taking the picture of the latest victim to Darwin’s-Rake™ ran down to the ground where Planky was lying dead and got a cool “Death Plank” picture, and maybe rearranged him a bit if he landed on his back. And where was that goddamn baby-catching lady when you needed her? Hmmm? If the goal is to out-do each other with these planks, that would have been the plank-pic to top all plank-pics.

So in a new movement for internet phenomena we here at Van Full of Candy are going to take it up a notch. At first we were thinking we would make a new Voodoo Planking Danger Death Photoshow as a Facebook page, but that seemed kinda old hat, so we have decided to move this into the corporate world since those people are so dangerously dull and would probably really want something fun to do while at work. So we’re going to combine the danger of planking and the safety of sucking one’s thumb into … THUMPLANKING!

She might not be in a corporate meeting, but it's a GREAT example. You're welcome!!

Here’s how it works: Anyone with a job will have their picture taken while at any corporate event, office meeting, out to lunch, sitting in their cube or anyplace that others will witness you sucking your thumb during your mundane 9-5, Mon-Fri job. You then upload your pics to our new THUMPLANKING pics page and let’s see who can out-do each other. Now just so any of you unemployed types feel left out because the economy is still spanking your hard-earned college degree that you weren’t using anyway for the job you got laid off from, go ahead and post your pics up there as well. Just make sure you’re in a silly place where people can watch you suck your thumb. Hell, anyone can post their pics, but we really wanted the cube-rats to feel good about something, so let’s just pretend it’s for them exclusively … wink wink!!