In honor of all those who have shopped all over this great land of freedom called America (The Mall Of), and for those who have died on the battlefields of miserably long retail lines, we salute you with an extra 10% off your entire purchase if you sign up for one of our credit cards today.
Today we honor your frugality and smart fashion sense by raising the American flag briskly to the top of the staff, as fast as the elevator can get you from Juniors on the 1st floor to Women’s Shoes on the third floor. We will then solemnly lower the flag back down to the half-staff position at the “remembrance” speed of an escalator going to Home Furnishings where it will remain until noon, at which point we will raise it back up to full-staff, which was honorably named after having all employees manning their stations right after the lunch rush at Hot Dog on a Stick in the Food Court, where it will remain waving proudly as a symbolic beacon much like the Blue-Light Special at K-Mart.
Memorial Day Sale is a day when family and good friends can get together, BBQ the meats of poorly treated animals, sip on some lemonade and reminisce about our triumph at Macy’s Hill, the tragedy of Pottery Barn Harbor, and all the other war stories of sales gone by and loved ones who didn’t make it out those sales alive. We can watch pretty colored cars spin around a track for 500 miles and consume red, white and blue
lager until we turn crab red whilst lounging by our concrete swim areas in our newly purchased bikinis and board shorts, which did I mention was an extra 25% off since I got there before 6am? And hopefully miss the DUI checkpoint on the way home. Ahh yes!! What a lovely holiday.
Happy Memorial Day Sale to everyone!
As a great man once said, “Yer ‘ither widdis, ‘er yer aginnis.” after which we as a nation waved our tiny Chinese made American flags non stop for seven straight years while singing the national anthem as loudly as our little voices could carry it. Today, our President spends most of his waking hours apologizing for America’s inherent awesomeness and the other half pretending he has a birth certificate. And our pop stars are allowed to run rampant, besmirching this great nation of ours to anybody with a note pad and tape recorder like they have some kind of damned constitutional right to do so. Remember what happened when the Dixie Chicks tried to pull that shit? Of course not, because all evidence of the existence of the “Dixie Chicks” has been removed from public record and anyone that says the name of that non-existent band is rounded up for additional reconditioning by agents of the former administration. So I’m kind of in a hurry to finish this up here before I am rightfully taken from my home by force and beaten night and day for my crimes.
But now, far removed from those ice cream and cookies glory days of complete obedience to the crown, our teens, tweens and twinfants are being indoctrinated by a floppy haired little illegal alien with the voice of an angel and the heart of a god damned baby Sadam Hitler Bin Stalin!
Justin Bieber hates America.
I personally always knew that his music was a blatant attack on all who heard it and have been trying to warn people of the repeated anti-American lyrical content. People would laugh and say I was too old, that I just didn’t get it and ask me where my pants were. But who’s pants now?! We give and we give and we give to him. We buy his merchandise, we go to his movies, we allow him all of the teens he can eat and after all of these things that we as Americans have given to this Canadian hate monger, this is how he repays us.
“You guys are evil,” he told some hippie magazine writer. “Canada’s the best country in the world.”
Unedited, out of context quote, directly from the enemy combatant’s mouth. In an interview appearing in tomorrow’s “Rolling Stone Magazine Publication Periodical Leaflet Brochure”, this foreheadless ice licker spews his message of hate for all of the news stand going public to read. And since that demographic is so laughably insignificant and pitiable, I am making sure that all of the world wide internets can hear my fear and anger about something that apparently happened but that I have no first hand knowledge of!
In the good old days, a statement like that would be the last we would ever hear from a foreign celebrity on our soil. The interview would have been abruptly ended by a battalion of masked, privately contracted security forces storming into the interview room and shouting incoherent code words and short hand that really only means anything to them. A burlap sack would have been pulled down over his dreamy, pouty face with special care taken to muss his trademark as roughly as the captor could stomach. After which he would be whisked away to an undisclosed location to be held without trial for as long as was deemed appropriate. We as a country have gone soft and are too afraid to do what’s right to people who call us names!
And while that would seemingly have been enough for any publicist or management team with any sort of desire to maintain their ridiculously cushy gravy train to immediately spring into action, hurriedly clarifying exactly what he meant to say while frantically pushing their meal ticket toward the door, he was inexplicably allowed to continued the interview. Apparently, so personally stricken by “Bieber Fever” themselves, his management team was too busy elbowing each other in the ribs and giggling “Did he actually say that?” to realize that their entire world was about to explode right in front of their eyes by their super star’s next admission.
Justin Bieber believes in the divinity of sexual assault?
You fuckin’ heard me right, jack!
When questioned further about his anti-abortion beliefs (why the fuck Justin Bieber is being asked about his stance on abortion in the first damned place I don’t know, unless we’re planning on electing another FOREIGNER President!) in regard to “extenuating circumstances such as rape”, this little Canadian Taliban’s response was:
“Um. Well, I think that’s really sad, but everything happens for a reason.”
That’s right ladies, you were raped… with a higher purpose in mind. So says the Bieber.
To really expound on that statement would obviously be pointless. It’s the kind of thing a homeless person screams before running into traffic and barking at every green car that hits him. But apparently he said it and apparently, (until the flood of awkwardly worded press releases come streaming out of Team Bieber, trying desperately to put the rape back in the bottle) he believes it. I honestly couldn’t be giddier about his team’s gross mishandling of his former career and just hope this turns out to be as gigantic a cluster Bieber as it could be.
I take it all back Justin, I love you so hard. Keep on keepin’ stupid.