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JHS Mathlete Veteran Asks Danica McKellar to Laser Tagstravaganza

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I wanna shoot lasers on the chest and back of my first boyhood crush, and for once I don’t mean that metaphorically… Danica McKellar, let’s Tag one another with, oh, what’s say: Laser!

The newly revived craze seems to be begging beautiful celebrities through the YouTubes to hang out with you and their having to pretend that it’s an adorable gesture rather than treating it like the creepy, psychotic love letters of the desperate and delusional that they truly are. But who am I to buck the popular trend?

C’mon Danica: my treat!

US Army Veteran Asks Cameron Diaz To Fondue Fun Night

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It seems that if us normal folk want to step out on the town with untouchable Hollywood types, all we need to do is shoot a cute little video asking these film gods and goddesses to go somewhere with us, and they’ll say “Yes”. Kind of like a fun game of Millionnaire-Truth-or-Dare for them.

F’ING AWESOME !!!

So here’s our attempt to hook up with Hollywood Hottie Cameron Diaz for Van Full of Candy’s Fondue Fun Night at The Melting Pot in Sacramento, CA on November 18th, the same night as the Marine Corps Ball.

Jason is a US Army Veteran who was part of the 2nd Batallion/27th Infantry Regiment (7th Infantry Division) stationed in Fort Ord, CA. Hopefully that helps with the “she’ll do it because it’s her patriotic duty” sympathy card !!

VFoC Video — "Trans-Am"

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Idiot #1: How do you like my new hair cut Moron #2?

Moron #2: That is quite a finely cut set of hairs Idiot #1. I would go so far as to call that haircut “awesome”.

Us: Hey idiot. Lookie here moron. You’re wrong; shut the fuck up.

Has this kind of thing happened to you? Are you tired of stupid people who don’t understand what words are ruining perfectly descriptive language with banality and wrong headed fucktarditude?

Well fret no longer friend, because Van Full of Candy has the answer. Introducing: “Trans-Am”. The ultimate human expression of appreciation and excitement. Wanna learn how? Well please enjoy our finely crafted presentation below.

If you have any further questions on how you should more properly express yourself in conversation, just ask and we’ll be more than happy to tell you exactly how you’re doing it wrong, and set you back on the right path: the “Trans-Am” path!

Wink, thumbs up, freeze frame!

VFoC Video — "Life Cubed"

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Well hello all you little worker bees. You must be SO excited for your Love America 3 Day Weekend. You know why you’re so excited? Because your job wants you to think so. It wan’t to trick you into thinking you’re happy that you’re getting an extra day off this weekend. Your job wants you to go and celebrate and light sparklers and celebrate this great land we live in. It wants you to think it cares about you and your mental well being. But it doesn’t, no, it just wants to suck the living life juice straight out of your soul day after day after miserable day, in a slow, methodical way, so you don’t even realize it’s actually happening until one day you end up like these poor happyless people. But it needs the extra day to reboot it’s Soul Sucking Machine so it’s running on all cylinders come Tuesday morning. So I guess the joke is on you … cubicle people!!

VFoC Video — "Introducing … The Audition Guy!!"

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When you work hard and put in your time, good things usually happen to you. Here at Van Full of Candy we have a really dedicated young man who really, really wants to make it big time in the entertaiment world in any way shape or form that they’ll take him. You may remember him from certain auditions like the Charlie Sheen Intern audition or maybe his attempt to become the AFLAC Duck voice. Well his super intense persistence to his craft has landed him his very own “show” here in our van. So without further ado … well … here ya go …

VFoC Video — "May 21st, 2011 … It's Rapture Time Sinners"

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Ya'll Gonna Burn In Hell ... Me? Well I'm Goin' To Heaven Because I Am Nostradamus Jr.

Well as most of the world knows, tomorrow is the second coming of Christ, The Rapture, Judgement Day. Well … according to Harold Camping. Ya’ll ready? Better get repenting real quick like because only about 7% of us (dead or alive) are going to get floated up to Heaven tomorrow. The other 93% of us are gonna live in “hell on earth” for another six months or so. Sounds fun. If I were a bettin’ man, and I am, I’d bet that the Van Full Of Candy flies through the air tomorrow with flying colors.