YouTube

US Army Vet Un-invites Cameron Diaz to “Fondue Fun Night”, Invites Zach Galifianakis

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The Marines are bringin' sexy back

Holy crap !! When I read today that Justin Timberlake had attended the Marine Corps Ball over the weekend, I thought “Oh my GAWD, did I accidentally stand up Cameron Diaz?”. For whatever crazy reason, I forgot to put the Fondue Fun Night at The Melting Pot in my calendar, but in a fortunate scheduling miracle, I had made the occasion on the same night as the OTHER Marine Corps Ball, the one where Mila Kunis will be attending on November 18th. Phhhhhhhhhhhhew !! I read that JT had an incredible time with his YouTube date even going so far as saying, “Last night changed my life, and I will never forget it!”, just as Fondue Fun Night will change your life Cameron, I swear it !!

Now, granted, I acknowledge the fact that Cam-Cam hasn’t “replied” to my video invite “officially” yet via YouTube or/and an email, a phone call, a comment in these posts, a middle finger, ANYTHING, etc., but I know how busy these celebrity types are with their movies, and their interviews, and their money, all that fucking money. I’m sure it was just an accidental oversight on her part, or her assistant’s part, or her publicist’s part, or maybe her camera phone hasn’t been working lately. It’s ok … I don’t mind waiting around for a reply, I’ll just sit here and … hmmmmmm … you know what? Forget her !! Now that I look back to see when the initial invite went out, it’s been over four months now !! That’s just DAMN RUDE CAMERON DIAZ !! So as of right this minute on today’s date, I am retracting my invitation to you Cameron, sorry, but I’m also a entertainment professional, and I just cant be strung on like this, so, it’s off. I’m very sorry.

So, I’m going to change my invite to somebody who won’t act so unprofessional by toying with one’s emotions. Here’s my NEW video invite …

VFoC Video — "US Army Vet Un-invites Cameron Diaz to "Fondue Fun Night", Invites Zach Galifianakis"

Posted on

The Marines are bringin' sexy back

Holy crap !! When I read today that Justin Timberlake had attended the Marine Corps Ball over the weekend, I thought “Oh my GAWD, did I accidentally stand up Cameron Diaz?”. For whatever crazy reason, I forgot to put the Fondue Fun Night at The Melting Pot in my calendar, but in a fortunate scheduling miracle, I had made the occasion on the same night as the OTHER Marine Corps Ball, the one where Mila Kunis will be attending on November 18th. Phhhhhhhhhhhhew !! I read that JT had an incredible time with his YouTube date even going so far as saying, “Last night changed my life, and I will never forget it!”, just as Fondue Fun Night will change your life Cameron, I swear it !!

Now, granted, I acknowledge the fact that Cam-Cam hasn’t “replied” to my video invite “officially” yet via YouTube or/and an email, a phone call, a comment in these posts, a middle finger, ANYTHING, etc., but I know how busy these celebrity types are with their movies, and their interviews, and their money, all that fucking money. I’m sure it was just an accidental oversight on her part, or her assistant’s part, or her publicist’s part, or maybe her camera phone hasn’t been working lately. It’s ok … I don’t mind waiting around for a reply, I’ll just sit here and … hmmmmmm … you know what? Forget her !! Now that I look back to see when the initial invite went out, it’s been over four months now !! That’s just DAMN RUDE CAMERON DIAZ !! So as of right this minute on today’s date, I am retracting my invitation to you Cameron, sorry, but I’m also a entertainment professional, and I just cant be strung on like this, so, it’s off. I’m very sorry.

So, I’m going to change my invite to somebody who won’t act so unprofessional by toying with one’s emotions. Here’s my NEW video invite …

VFoC Video — "Let Daddy Make It All Better"

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Awww baby, don’t be sad. We had to go away for you. I know it doesn’t make sense baby, but we had to go away so that we could give you somethin’ good. You understand, don’t ya baby? We missed you hard. Real hard. Think of how much you missed us, then multiply it by two, ’cause there’s two of us, and that’s almost half as much as we missed you. Fer rillz girl. Don’t worry, we won’t go away again. Now shush now, let’s make it alright… tonight.

Van Full of Candy's Guide to Van Full of Candy

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We like the internet, and judging by the fact that you’re reading this, we can safely assume that you do too. We also know that if you’re anything like us, you’re looking every day for new ways to waste your hours at work pretending to be spread sheeting or otherwise giving a fuck about what you’re being paid to give fucks about. But for us, fucking about is part of the gig. We have to make sure our pretty little faces are out there so that your pretty little faces can be entertained and eventually, we won’t have to pretend to spread sheet.

But there’s a lot of internet out there. From what I hear, it’s kind of like a web, that is very nearly world wide. So if we want to be seen in all of this big crazy land of cat videos and pornography, we have to be in lots of places. We need to be seen. We need love and confirmation of our value as persons in the form of likes or +’s or thumbs up, votes up, funny votes, re-tweets; anything that lets us know that we are in fact alive and being heard. That our long hours, hand crafting finely milled funny is not all in vain. We need you to tell ten friends, and we need those ten friends to tell ten friends and so on. And then we need all of you to send us a dollar… Or just click “like”.

So you probably know of a couple places to find us, you have somehow already, but you probably don’t know ALL of the random cracks and crevices of the internet in which we’re squirreled away, poking things with our comedy sticks to see if fan bees swarm out and sting us with their approval… No, yes, that is what I meant…

So with all of that in mind, Van Full of Candy is proud to present your guide to Van Full of Candy on the Internets!

WordPress: This is where the magic happens… Such as it is… Every weekday (excluding some holidays) we post a new something or other to WordPress which makes its way to you, the loyal reader by some other means… You could really just subscribe to the WordPress site and never have to go to any of our other crap and you’d be just fine… We wish you wouldn’t. We also wish I hadn’t just called everything that’s going to follow “crap”, but as you all know, my delete key does not work, so there’s nothing I can do to change what is…

facebook: This would be the other place of import to us. Why? Because this is where the rest of the planet goes, and we want the rest of the planet to like us. Here you can find virtual farms to tend, or virtual towns to build, pretty much anything that real people used to do in this country is represented in a virtual game form on the Book of Faces. Like interacting with other people, or having a life. All represented virtually in the one place that everyone on the planet goes to complain about what this magical meeting place has fucked up this time by changing where that one button you never used in the first place is now…

Twitter: We tweet, we’re tweeters, we twit about twat, you know, like all the other cool revolutionaries. Except we don’t really overthrow dictators or organize protests or anything, and frankly we’re tired of being made to feel like fuck ups by those that do, because we don’t. I could totally overthrow an oppressive regime if I wanted to, but I’d just rather replace words in movie titles with “Butt” or “Fart”… That’s changing the world, in a way…

YouTube: This is where you get to see and hear our “funny”. Through the magic of motion pictures, captured on digitized still images, played in quick succession in a way to fool the eye into seeing a moving image, in combination with audio capture technology which steals our voices from the air and traps it inside your computer box you are able to see into a world, long dead, as though it were happening before your very eyes. And kitties falling down makes my giggle and hug myself!

Funny or Die: Then we take those magical demon images and upload them to be judged by the public. A public, unable to create, but infinitely qualified to critique. Who’s only contribution to art and entertainment is in the tearing down of artists and entertainers! Dismissive of the time and effort put into the very thing that they are dismissing entirely out of hand! … Of Die…

Current: A couple of years ago Al Gore was everywhere. So much so, that we needed an entire television channel to contain it. And so Current TV was born. We usually share our more angry political pieces on the current community site, because that’s what they like, and we like what people like as long as what they like is us… LOVE US!

foursquare: The internet has given us an outlet to make sure the entire universe knows every time we get gas or a burrito or gas and a burrito. It is foursquare. And we want to be stalked as much, if not more than the next guy…

Comedy Whirled: Sort of what I imagine Funny or Die might have been like if it hadn’t been founded as Will Ferrell and Adam McKay’s club house. Not that that’s a bad thing at all, because those guys might some day pay me to write funny things for them. So what I meant to say is, Funny or Die is awesome and I want them to give me money and exposure. Sorry Comedy Whirled, just be cool, I fucked up, you guys are awesome but you can’t destroy me yet… Kisses Billy and AMcK!

Linked In: Created, in theory, to be a place where professionals can come together and professional… ize. I don’t think it took long for the creators of Linked In to realize that’s kind of boring, but no one’s had the time to change anything about it yet because they’re too busy farming their virtual radishes. You have a linked in account because someone you worked with at one point or another let their address book be raped and added you and that was the last time both of you checked it.

klout: We all want to feel like big shots. We all want to think we matter. Us especially. This site gives you some seemingly random, mostly unattributable number representation between 1 and 100 of how much “klout” you have. No, it doesn’t make sense to us either, but we have one of these too!

Empire Avenue: A sort of social media stock market… game… thing. Because there’s nothing more fun than the stock market. But sadly, quite addicting. Another way of showing you that the time you’re wasting on all of the other sites above is actually, really, pretend paying off and increasing your value in some way. You’re not wasting your life tweeting about how Justin Bieber should come to your junior high school and play a show on the soccer field, you are strengthening your portfolio!

Google+: In case you haven’t noticed, Google is swallowing the world. And unsatisfied with simply owning everything that Apple doesn’t, they’ve decided to try to kick Zuckerburg in the pant fronts too while they’re at it. Google+ (or “The Plus” as no one has yet called it since I just coined that phrase) is supposedly the next big thing in the social medias. We don’t see it. But we’ll be damned if we’re not going to be there too just in case. Besides, Google knows everything I’m doing at all times at this point; it’s best to not fuck with someone like that.

MySpace: LOVE US JUSTIN! For the love of god, all we want is for you to notice us! We only have this stupid account so you can see us and we can hang out and maybe smell your fingers a couple times a night! WE WENT TO MYSPACE FOR YOU! MYSPACE!!!

Van Full of Candy’s Guide to Van Full of Candy

Posted on Updated on

We like the internet, and judging by the fact that you’re reading this, we can safely assume that you do too. We also know that if you’re anything like us, you’re looking every day for new ways to waste your hours at work pretending to be spread sheeting or otherwise giving a fuck about what you’re being paid to give fucks about. But for us, fucking about is part of the gig. We have to make sure our pretty little faces are out there so that your pretty little faces can be entertained and eventually, we won’t have to pretend to spread sheet.

But there’s a lot of internet out there. From what I hear, it’s kind of like a web, that is very nearly world wide. So if we want to be seen in all of this big crazy land of cat videos and pornography, we have to be in lots of places. We need to be seen. We need love and confirmation of our value as persons in the form of likes or +’s or thumbs up, votes up, funny votes, re-tweets; anything that lets us know that we are in fact alive and being heard. That our long hours, hand crafting finely milled funny is not all in vain. We need you to tell ten friends, and we need those ten friends to tell ten friends and so on. And then we need all of you to send us a dollar… Or just click “like”.

So you probably know of a couple places to find us, you have somehow already, but you probably don’t know ALL of the random cracks and crevices of the internet in which we’re squirreled away, poking things with our comedy sticks to see if fan bees swarm out and sting us with their approval… No, yes, that is what I meant…

So with all of that in mind, Van Full of Candy is proud to present your guide to Van Full of Candy on the Internets!

WordPress: This is where the magic happens… Such as it is… Every weekday (excluding some holidays) we post a new something or other to WordPress which makes its way to you, the loyal reader by some other means… You could really just subscribe to the WordPress site and never have to go to any of our other crap and you’d be just fine… We wish you wouldn’t. We also wish I hadn’t just called everything that’s going to follow “crap”, but as you all know, my delete key does not work, so there’s nothing I can do to change what is…

facebook: This would be the other place of import to us. Why? Because this is where the rest of the planet goes, and we want the rest of the planet to like us. Here you can find virtual farms to tend, or virtual towns to build, pretty much anything that real people used to do in this country is represented in a virtual game form on the Book of Faces. Like interacting with other people, or having a life. All represented virtually in the one place that everyone on the planet goes to complain about what this magical meeting place has fucked up this time by changing where that one button you never used in the first place is now…

Twitter: We tweet, we’re tweeters, we twit about twat, you know, like all the other cool revolutionaries. Except we don’t really overthrow dictators or organize protests or anything, and frankly we’re tired of being made to feel like fuck ups by those that do, because we don’t. I could totally overthrow an oppressive regime if I wanted to, but I’d just rather replace words in movie titles with “Butt” or “Fart”… That’s changing the world, in a way…

YouTube: This is where you get to see and hear our “funny”. Through the magic of motion pictures, captured on digitized still images, played in quick succession in a way to fool the eye into seeing a moving image, in combination with audio capture technology which steals our voices from the air and traps it inside your computer box you are able to see into a world, long dead, as though it were happening before your very eyes. And kitties falling down makes my giggle and hug myself!

Funny or Die: Then we take those magical demon images and upload them to be judged by the public. A public, unable to create, but infinitely qualified to critique. Who’s only contribution to art and entertainment is in the tearing down of artists and entertainers! Dismissive of the time and effort put into the very thing that they are dismissing entirely out of hand! … Of Die…

Current: A couple of years ago Al Gore was everywhere. So much so, that we needed an entire television channel to contain it. And so Current TV was born. We usually share our more angry political pieces on the current community site, because that’s what they like, and we like what people like as long as what they like is us… LOVE US!

foursquare: The internet has given us an outlet to make sure the entire universe knows every time we get gas or a burrito or gas and a burrito. It is foursquare. And we want to be stalked as much, if not more than the next guy…

Comedy Whirled: Sort of what I imagine Funny or Die might have been like if it hadn’t been founded as Will Ferrell and Adam McKay’s club house. Not that that’s a bad thing at all, because those guys might some day pay me to write funny things for them. So what I meant to say is, Funny or Die is awesome and I want them to give me money and exposure. Sorry Comedy Whirled, just be cool, I fucked up, you guys are awesome but you can’t destroy me yet… Kisses Billy and AMcK!

Linked In: Created, in theory, to be a place where professionals can come together and professional… ize. I don’t think it took long for the creators of Linked In to realize that’s kind of boring, but no one’s had the time to change anything about it yet because they’re too busy farming their virtual radishes. You have a linked in account because someone you worked with at one point or another let their address book be raped and added you and that was the last time both of you checked it.

klout: We all want to feel like big shots. We all want to think we matter. Us especially. This site gives you some seemingly random, mostly unattributable number representation between 1 and 100 of how much “klout” you have. No, it doesn’t make sense to us either, but we have one of these too!

Empire Avenue: A sort of social media stock market… game… thing. Because there’s nothing more fun than the stock market. But sadly, quite addicting. Another way of showing you that the time you’re wasting on all of the other sites above is actually, really, pretend paying off and increasing your value in some way. You’re not wasting your life tweeting about how Justin Bieber should come to your junior high school and play a show on the soccer field, you are strengthening your portfolio!

Google+: In case you haven’t noticed, Google is swallowing the world. And unsatisfied with simply owning everything that Apple doesn’t, they’ve decided to try to kick Zuckerburg in the pant fronts too while they’re at it. Google+ (or “The Plus” as no one has yet called it since I just coined that phrase) is supposedly the next big thing in the social medias. We don’t see it. But we’ll be damned if we’re not going to be there too just in case. Besides, Google knows everything I’m doing at all times at this point; it’s best to not fuck with someone like that.

MySpace: LOVE US JUSTIN! For the love of god, all we want is for you to notice us! We only have this stupid account so you can see us and we can hang out and maybe smell your fingers a couple times a night! WE WENT TO MYSPACE FOR YOU! MYSPACE!!!

Facebook Will Be Murdered in 87 Days

Posted on Updated on

In an epic “Fight Club” style of badass-anarchy-not-gonna-take-it-anymore blatant threat kind of a way, a kickass movement called Anomymous has publicly pretty much said “We’re gonna murder Facebook in the face and there’s nothing anybody can do about it!” That’s a pretty ballsy claim which made us here at Van Full of Candy stand at attention to it’s Trans-Am’ery.

This isn't your daddy's Alcoholics Anonymous

In a super simple, computer hackery, War-Games’ish kinda video, the challenge is clear, and it’s something that you would only expect to see in a James Bond movie when the villain hacks the airways and jams the good guys transmission with their message of impending doomy doom. I think it’s pretty bold of Anonymous to actually GIVE Facebook almost 3 months to get ready for their impending assassination, like they’re letting Facebook know that there’s nothing they can do except crap their shorts for the next 87 days. But why would you do that? Why wouldn’t you just kill them and take the credit later on? Or even not take the credit and just know that you did what you set out to do?

It’s like any good shoot ’em up movie. The bad guy is trying throughout the entire movie to kill the good guy, and when the chance FINALLY happens, the bad guy savors the moment and doesn’t kill the good guy right away, he drags him to a warehouse where he can gloat in his bad guyness victory. But then the good guy somehow wriggles free like Houdini bound with chains, does a leg-sweep, a quick headbutt and magically wrassles the bad guys weapon from him turning the tables as only Guy Ritchie could direct it. LISTEN!! If you’re the bad guy, and you have the good guy and you can kill him, then kill him !! Period !! No chances, no warnings, no delay !!

So now the only question left is … is this real or a hoax? Is it the work of the most Trans-Am group of badass hackers toying with their victims until bludgeoning time, or is this the tomfoolery of a comedic group of writers who might even have a comedic blog that like to make videos that make people think? Hey, that sounds kinda like ours, but not ours, definitely not ours !! You decide. As for me, I’m gonna get some serious popcorn and Milk Duds ready for the release of this action flick and see what the fuck goes down that day. Guess I better start transferring all our shit over to MySpace.

Yeah! Rub Your Pie All Up In My Face, Mmmmm !!

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During a session of love-seat-lounging yesterday, something dawned on me as I watched the “news” on my thin-black-box-of-tummy-plumping’ness. I realized that a good ol’ “pie in the face” has never lost its charm, AND, the most important realization, was that getting “pied” is the ultimate form of putdownery that you really can inflict on thine enemies.

How dare you sir, trying to taste my pie, well I never !!

Lets take a quick look at the history of the “Pie In The Face”. It all started in 1909 in a silent movie called “Mr. Flip”. It is the first known instance of “pieing” as it is sometimes referred to, and is considered “slap stick” comedy. The pie is pushed into the main character’s face after he tries to take liberties with a woman, an voila, “Pie In The Face” is born. There are two known “pieing” techniques, the old fashion push the pie in the face, and the “throw the pie” in the face, both of which are quite acceptable. There has also been a new breed of pie that has been born as well from professional baseball players, and it’s the “shaving cream pie”, which in my mind is just bastardizing the event, but, if you don’t have time to bake, then I guess it will do since it does somewhat resemble a lemon-meringue pie.

Now lets fast forward 102 years to Rupert Murdoch’s court hearing for his phone-hacking scandal. Just yesterday on this two-thousandst-and-evelenth-year of our lawrd CNN, the “Pie In The Face” got national attention when a guy who says he’s a comedian/activist who goes by the Twitter handle @JonnieMarbles decided to “pie” Mr. Murdoch in the face at said hearing. However, his plan did not go as, ummm, planned. As he stepped toward the intended victim, his “pieing” was intercepted by this old man’s younger, hot, Asian wife and the majority of pie was smeared on the “pie’er” as she slapped him silly. In the slap-stick comedy world, we like to call this “awww shit, you just got reverse pied”. Now earlier I mentioned that a “pieing” is the ultimate form of getting “cut down”, but I have to change my view and say that if you get “reverse-pied-in-the-face”, then THAT would be the worst, and you’re just a punk ass bitch now.

So in honor of the age old “Pie In The Face”, I push one in yours and smear it around on top of your head, and yes, that IS custard you’re tasting. And here’s a couple of famous people getting “Pie’d In The Face” … enjoy !!