Videos

Am I Pretty or Ugly?

Posted on

It’s a sad day when teenage girls feel the need to post videos asking others if they think the girl is pretty or ugly. Girls, you are not judged by what you look like! You are not a “Pretty” or “Ugly” status, just ask Angelina Jolie, she’ll tell you. So in an effort to understand what these girls are going through, Van Full of Candy decided to jump into the abyss of body image and self esteem by doing our very own research on the subject. Please watch our video and piss all over any self worth we may have had by giving us your brutally honest opinion. Are we Pretty or Ugly ??

VFoC Video — "High 5"

Posted on

Hey, remember that thing last Saturday that I was bugging you with regular updates on for like, 14 hours? Of course not, you don’t pay attention to us on the weekends. Well here’s that thing. Our entry into The Sacramento Comedy Spot‘s 14 Hour Comedy Challenge!

Saturday morning at 8 am we received a video with 4 not at all specific criteria, they were:

  • “You have to have a recognizable quote from a U.S. President.”
  • “There has to be a high five someplace in the video.”
  • “One character has to be wearing a baseball hat.”
  • “At some point during your sketch there has to be a double face palm.”

We wrote, recorded and edited our entry throughout that day and at 9:54 pm we e-mailed our entry.

See if you can spot all four of our criteria being met!

And if you’re in the Sacramento area, you should get to the aforementioned Comedy Spot on Friday, February 10th to vote for our video. We could win things. Maybe even stuff!

Either way, please enjoy “High 5”, we had a lot of fun making it.

 

VFoC Video — "Shit Carnies Say"

Posted on

Carnival folk, they live a life that most of us could never imagine. Subsiding on the corn dogs, cotton candy and popcorn left over at the end of the night and spending what little money they make assembling rickety fun wheels in department store parking lots, on home made, bathtub speed. It’s the kind of existence most of us dream about, but sadly, could never realize in real life.

Philosophers, wise men, all around fountains of knowledge and experience. Carnies say some crazy shit, and you would be crazy not to get a nose full of it when ever the opportunity presents itself.

So please enjoy “Shit Carnies Say” and pass it on, these are wise words that will benefit anyone who hears them… Or just creepy shit some toothless meth freak yelled at a single mother of three outside the Port-a-let, mistakenly believing they were praying to a dragon… Either way…

VFoC Video — "Dudecanoe"

Posted on

Corrupt cops in the pockets of the criminals who’re REALLY running the streets. A system designed to protect the guilty even more than the innocent. In a world gone mad, maybe it’s the bat shit craziest ass hole who’s really the sanest of them all! Shooting first and not asking questions, kicking ass and not taking names, it’s time for someone to take back the streets from those who took it back from the other ones who had it before that were better mannered and decent…

And there’s just one name you can count on to get the job done, no matter the senseless, unnecessary cost. Dudecanoe: He’s a Cop. And crime can eat one.

Spread the word.

VFoC Video — "Conversation Starter"

Posted on

You’re at a party, you don’t know anybody except Jim, Jose and Bud. You’re fine with that, but some folks like to “strike up conversations” and “talk to other human beings”. Some others still have tricks that make you start talking to them. These devious cunts make uncomfortable, awkward conversation SEEM like YOUR IDEA! Not cool bro… Not cool…

Enjoy Van Full of Candy’s first video offering of the new year, “Conversation Starter”, and share it with someone you don’t really want to talk to.

VFoC Video — "US Army Vet Un-invites Cameron Diaz to "Fondue Fun Night", Invites Zach Galifianakis"

Posted on

The Marines are bringin' sexy back

Holy crap !! When I read today that Justin Timberlake had attended the Marine Corps Ball over the weekend, I thought “Oh my GAWD, did I accidentally stand up Cameron Diaz?”. For whatever crazy reason, I forgot to put the Fondue Fun Night at The Melting Pot in my calendar, but in a fortunate scheduling miracle, I had made the occasion on the same night as the OTHER Marine Corps Ball, the one where Mila Kunis will be attending on November 18th. Phhhhhhhhhhhhew !! I read that JT had an incredible time with his YouTube date even going so far as saying, “Last night changed my life, and I will never forget it!”, just as Fondue Fun Night will change your life Cameron, I swear it !!

Now, granted, I acknowledge the fact that Cam-Cam hasn’t “replied” to my video invite “officially” yet via YouTube or/and an email, a phone call, a comment in these posts, a middle finger, ANYTHING, etc., but I know how busy these celebrity types are with their movies, and their interviews, and their money, all that fucking money. I’m sure it was just an accidental oversight on her part, or her assistant’s part, or her publicist’s part, or maybe her camera phone hasn’t been working lately. It’s ok … I don’t mind waiting around for a reply, I’ll just sit here and … hmmmmmm … you know what? Forget her !! Now that I look back to see when the initial invite went out, it’s been over four months now !! That’s just DAMN RUDE CAMERON DIAZ !! So as of right this minute on today’s date, I am retracting my invitation to you Cameron, sorry, but I’m also a entertainment professional, and I just cant be strung on like this, so, it’s off. I’m very sorry.

So, I’m going to change my invite to somebody who won’t act so unprofessional by toying with one’s emotions. Here’s my NEW video invite …

US Army Vet Un-invites Cameron Diaz to “Fondue Fun Night”, Invites Zach Galifianakis

Posted on

The Marines are bringin' sexy back

Holy crap !! When I read today that Justin Timberlake had attended the Marine Corps Ball over the weekend, I thought “Oh my GAWD, did I accidentally stand up Cameron Diaz?”. For whatever crazy reason, I forgot to put the Fondue Fun Night at The Melting Pot in my calendar, but in a fortunate scheduling miracle, I had made the occasion on the same night as the OTHER Marine Corps Ball, the one where Mila Kunis will be attending on November 18th. Phhhhhhhhhhhhew !! I read that JT had an incredible time with his YouTube date even going so far as saying, “Last night changed my life, and I will never forget it!”, just as Fondue Fun Night will change your life Cameron, I swear it !!

Now, granted, I acknowledge the fact that Cam-Cam hasn’t “replied” to my video invite “officially” yet via YouTube or/and an email, a phone call, a comment in these posts, a middle finger, ANYTHING, etc., but I know how busy these celebrity types are with their movies, and their interviews, and their money, all that fucking money. I’m sure it was just an accidental oversight on her part, or her assistant’s part, or her publicist’s part, or maybe her camera phone hasn’t been working lately. It’s ok … I don’t mind waiting around for a reply, I’ll just sit here and … hmmmmmm … you know what? Forget her !! Now that I look back to see when the initial invite went out, it’s been over four months now !! That’s just DAMN RUDE CAMERON DIAZ !! So as of right this minute on today’s date, I am retracting my invitation to you Cameron, sorry, but I’m also a entertainment professional, and I just cant be strung on like this, so, it’s off. I’m very sorry.

So, I’m going to change my invite to somebody who won’t act so unprofessional by toying with one’s emotions. Here’s my NEW video invite …

VFoC Video — "Let Daddy Make It All Better"

Posted on

Awww baby, don’t be sad. We had to go away for you. I know it doesn’t make sense baby, but we had to go away so that we could give you somethin’ good. You understand, don’t ya baby? We missed you hard. Real hard. Think of how much you missed us, then multiply it by two, ’cause there’s two of us, and that’s almost half as much as we missed you. Fer rillz girl. Don’t worry, we won’t go away again. Now shush now, let’s make it alright… tonight.

Let Daddy Make It All Better [VIDEO]

Posted on

Cancer? Cured! Recession? Cured! Common Cold? EVERYTHING Cured!!

Posted on Updated on

Something miraculous came to me this weekend. It came to me in the way of divine intervention sent straight from the Creator himself as my mind was magically opened to see something that has been inconspicuously floating around our planet for about 40 years. Something that is so awe inspiring that only a worthy clairvoyant hand picked by the hand of the Almighty himself, like myself, could ever completely fathom its true consequence. The veil was lifted for me to see the gift that was given to us +/- 14,600 days ago in the way of an instrumental melody, presented through the medium of a motion picture. And it was bright! So very bright!

The medium in which this life changing information was transported to mine eyes was through a Tarantino flick, Resevoir Dogs. A poignant movie giving many life lessons throughout with several emotions being touched, like a virgin, shall we say? But it’s the very last song in this film that tells us, well me, the simple remedy to all of life’s tribulations, and as the credits rolled, BAMMM!! it was revealed. It’s the song “Coconut” written by Harry Nilsson. The answer has been here all along, well for 40 years anyway, and the answer is “You put the lime in the coconut”. That’s it … simple, natural, organic, and both trees were in the Garden of Eden since the dawn of creation.

Now Drink Them Both Up ?

So why did it take 1,971 years after the birth of Christ to figure it out? Well it happened by accident like all things created in this world. For instance, bacon. How did someone figure out the beautiful thing known as bacon? Well, somebody had a pig, and that pig was caught in a barn fire, and as that little piggy burned, a smell emerged from that barn that was so sensual to the nose that only one thing could be done. Go get that pig and eat it … bacon.

Accidents, the ugly sister of Mother Necessity, Mother Accident lead to the elixer of the world. You see, Harry Nilsson was having a Hawaiin themed party one night in the early 70’s, he had tikis, coconuts, leis (pronounced Lay’s, like the chip), flower shirts and limes. He cut open a coconut to extract the milk and use the shell as a cup, however as he was getting ready to pour out the milk, one of his drunk friends was throwing limes and it landed in this cocunut shell. The potion began to bubble and fizz and a heavenly voice sounded through the room, “all who drink of the lime and the coconut will be cured”. And they drank. And it cured their belly aches.