Sports

Van Full of Candy traded to Jacksonville

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Apparently, an actual team...
Apparently, an actual team...

With the NFL lockout finally coming to an end this week, teams have been frantically signing and trading players in a feeding frenzy unseen in the history of the league as they get ready for the start of the 2011 NFL season, just six weeks away. Among all of the confusion of blockbuster trades and free agent signings we have learned just this afternoon that online humorists, Van Full of Candy have been signed to a multi year contract by the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Details of the deal are still coming in, but it is being reported that Van Full of Candy is being sent to Jacksonville from the Seattle Seahawks in exchange for a half a box of Britta pitcher filters and a bag of Werther’s Originals.

“I think everybody is coming out of this deal with something they wanted and filling holes in their lineups that needed filling,” said a Seahawks spokesperson who continued, “Our water is going to be delicious.”

“I didn’t know we were on the Seahawks…” a confused Jason told one reporter. “But, I guess I’d like to thank the people of Seattle for their… years, of support?”

“We’re looking forward to playing, which ever position it is we’re usually playing, to the best of our ability,” Jesse told ESPN Radio’s John Ireland and Steve Mason after receiving the news. “And with any luck at all, leading the… Jacksonvilles, to a… Stanley… Championship… Plate… Or something.”

“Jacksonville has a football team?” Jason went on to ask reporters, who themselves could only shrug in response. “I mean, which Jacksonville anyway? There’s a lot of ’em. I guess I need to know where to forward my mail.”

League officials were too busy at press time to respond to questions about the legitimacy of the deal, with the anarchy presiding at NFL headquarters caused by this extremely abbreviated off season signing period. This unprecedented signing of internet comedy due Van Full of Candy is not the only NFL contract that the league office has been being bombarded with questions about. Many reports of confusing deals continue to flood the wires, including the Arizona Cardinals trading running back Tim Hightower for a stainless steel lemon zester and a bag of used postage stamps, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers signing a miniature pony and a bird bath to fill out their defensive line and a panicked Buffalo Bills releasing their entire roster and unplugging their phone.

The NFL season is set to kicks off Thursday, September 8th as the New Orleans Saints visit Lambeau Field to take on the newly merged Minnesota Bay Packings.

VFoC's Thursday Post Delayed Due to Sweaty, Sexy Celebration

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Your regularly scheduled Van Full of Candy Thursday post has been temporarily delayed due to a sudden, raging Soccer on… 

 

I LOVE SOCCER!
I LOVE SOCCER!

We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause, we just love Soccer so very, very much. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to the Soccer room to Soccer one out… USA! USA! USA!

VFoC’s Thursday Post Delayed Due to Sweaty, Sexy Celebration

Posted on

Your regularly scheduled Van Full of Candy Thursday post has been temporarily delayed due to a sudden, raging Soccer on… 

 

I LOVE SOCCER!
I LOVE SOCCER!

We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause, we just love Soccer so very, very much. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to the Soccer room to Soccer one out… USA! USA! USA!

It's Raining Baseball Fans

Posted on

Soon helmet giveaways at the ballpark won’t just be novelty promotions, but mandatory equipment given out before every game to protect lunatics from accidentally murdering themselves diving from rafters for collectible garbage.

I don’t know if you’ve heard the news, but there’s a hot new trend at the nation’s basedballing sport complexes: face diving onto cement from heights unsurvivable!

Last week at a Texas Rangers game, nearly seventy-five percent of the fans in attendance fell to its death from the upper deck. I’m sorry, I read that wrong, one man at a Texas Rangers game last week fell from the upper deck to his death. I apologize, that’s closer to 50%. Then, yesterday, during the Homed Running Derby of Hitting Competitions in someplace called “Phoenix” another idiot tried to hurl himself at a $5 souvenir laughably out of his reach and was only saved by the mistaken instinctive actions of those around him trying to protect him from his own unbridled stupidity as if his life were worth preserving.

This is really a guy you're going to try to save from what he's about to do?
This is really a guy you're going to try to save from what he's about to do?

Sports memorabilia is a very big, very dumb obsession, I know; I still have the bandana full of bottle openers that Charlie Hough hit me with at a Scottsdale Rite Aid back in ’98, and I cherish it as if it shattered my very own ocular bone: which it did. But these aren’t a home run ball that Mark McGwire kept his used steroid needles in after he’d already filled up the cat litter bucket he used to dispose of them in but before he had a new empty to fill, or the ball that Babe Ruth choked to death on when he mistook it for a heroin caked cheeseburger. The guy at the Rangers game was diving for a foul ball that Rangers outfieldman Josh Hamilton was throwing into the crowd and the idiot that tried to kill himself yesterday was at least ten rows away from a meaningless homerun derby dinger. Both of which, on the open market would fetch just about as much as any slightly used baseball listed on craigslist right now: “free, you pick up”.

Naturally, people hurtling themselves over railings, thirty or more feet above anything at all, is causing Major League baseball to look into the safety and security of their ball parks. Rather than simply, say, holding up these cases of the dip shitity of launching yourself from your insanely priced seats and understanding that the ball that the player that time will never remember just leisurely lobbed in your direction is the exact same one as those in the souvenir stand and probably isn’t worth a shattered face and traumatic, nationally televised orphanism.

And think of the players; won’t you? A quote from an actual article reporting the Rangers fan’s death:

There is also concern for Josh Hamilton, the player who tossed the ball. He’s battled his way back from addiction, and now has to deal with potential feelings of guilt over what happened.

Now please, don’t get me wrong, I understand that a professional atheletist must naturally feel some level of personal guilt that comes from shorting a throw, but I think the main thrust of the story is that a man just threw himself to his death in front of his six year old son in pursuit of a sports sphere of zero importance. Yes, it’s sad that the man DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for this otherwise perfectly dexterous and well reasoned bat bases swing ball enthusiast’s untimely spine compression might want to have a drink after witnessing, someone so willing to put their life at risk, trusting completely in his ability to competently do what he is paid millions of dollars to do just a single time in a way that the recipient would not have to put himself in mortal danger, be so terribly wrong; but the story is about this suddenly shorter ex-father and his inability to see the ball into his glove like a four year old t-ball player. Focus up news story. If anything, this experience should certainly make Mr. Hamilton an infinitely better fielder as from now until he exhales his final dying breath he will envision every recipient of his throw as potentially falling to their untimely, comical death directly in front of their barely comprehending toddler as a direct result of his precision or lack thereof. That’s gonna make him throw all the way through from here on out I think.

Not a speck of awareness of his own mortality in his eyes.
Not a speck of awareness of his own mortality in his eyes.

I don’t blame Josh Hamilton for one Texas man’s lack of a self preservation instinct, that’s dumb. I also don’t blame baseball stadiums. I, as usual, blame idiots. They come in all shapes and sizes and they’ll accidentally assassinate themselves no matter how impossible the world tries to make it. Admittedly, a thigh high railing over a 30 foot fall is not the BEST tool to fight tools, but what WILL keep the stupid from jumping after the pretty approaching orb? As we have continued to moron proof the world, I don’t doubt at all that in the near future all baseball stadiums will be built with chain link enclosed bleachers, locking the crowd in like the animals they are for their own good. And of course, it still won’t be enough, because as any Giants fan at Dodger Stadium will tell you once they’ve regained the ability to speak, not all of the danger is on the field.

So over react as quickly as you can baseball. Encase the stands in memory foam and packing peanuts double time, because before you can say “problem solved” some forehead is going to choke to death on a hunk of NASA technology that his buddies bet him a beer he couldn’t snort.

It’s Raining Baseball Fans

Posted on

Soon helmet giveaways at the ballpark won’t just be novelty promotions, but mandatory equipment given out before every game to protect lunatics from accidentally murdering themselves diving from rafters for collectible garbage.

I don’t know if you’ve heard the news, but there’s a hot new trend at the nation’s basedballing sport complexes: face diving onto cement from heights unsurvivable!

Last week at a Texas Rangers game, nearly seventy-five percent of the fans in attendance fell to its death from the upper deck. I’m sorry, I read that wrong, one man at a Texas Rangers game last week fell from the upper deck to his death. I apologize, that’s closer to 50%. Then, yesterday, during the Homed Running Derby of Hitting Competitions in someplace called “Phoenix” another idiot tried to hurl himself at a $5 souvenir laughably out of his reach and was only saved by the mistaken instinctive actions of those around him trying to protect him from his own unbridled stupidity as if his life were worth preserving.

This is really a guy you're going to try to save from what he's about to do?
This is really a guy you're going to try to save from what he's about to do?

Sports memorabilia is a very big, very dumb obsession, I know; I still have the bandana full of bottle openers that Charlie Hough hit me with at a Scottsdale Rite Aid back in ’98, and I cherish it as if it shattered my very own ocular bone: which it did. But these aren’t a home run ball that Mark McGwire kept his used steroid needles in after he’d already filled up the cat litter bucket he used to dispose of them in but before he had a new empty to fill, or the ball that Babe Ruth choked to death on when he mistook it for a heroin caked cheeseburger. The guy at the Rangers game was diving for a foul ball that Rangers outfieldman Josh Hamilton was throwing into the crowd and the idiot that tried to kill himself yesterday was at least ten rows away from a meaningless homerun derby dinger. Both of which, on the open market would fetch just about as much as any slightly used baseball listed on craigslist right now: “free, you pick up”.

Naturally, people hurtling themselves over railings, thirty or more feet above anything at all, is causing Major League baseball to look into the safety and security of their ball parks. Rather than simply, say, holding up these cases of the dip shitity of launching yourself from your insanely priced seats and understanding that the ball that the player that time will never remember just leisurely lobbed in your direction is the exact same one as those in the souvenir stand and probably isn’t worth a shattered face and traumatic, nationally televised orphanism.

And think of the players; won’t you? A quote from an actual article reporting the Rangers fan’s death:

There is also concern for Josh Hamilton, the player who tossed the ball. He’s battled his way back from addiction, and now has to deal with potential feelings of guilt over what happened.

Now please, don’t get me wrong, I understand that a professional atheletist must naturally feel some level of personal guilt that comes from shorting a throw, but I think the main thrust of the story is that a man just threw himself to his death in front of his six year old son in pursuit of a sports sphere of zero importance. Yes, it’s sad that the man DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for this otherwise perfectly dexterous and well reasoned bat bases swing ball enthusiast’s untimely spine compression might want to have a drink after witnessing, someone so willing to put their life at risk, trusting completely in his ability to competently do what he is paid millions of dollars to do just a single time in a way that the recipient would not have to put himself in mortal danger, be so terribly wrong; but the story is about this suddenly shorter ex-father and his inability to see the ball into his glove like a four year old t-ball player. Focus up news story. If anything, this experience should certainly make Mr. Hamilton an infinitely better fielder as from now until he exhales his final dying breath he will envision every recipient of his throw as potentially falling to their untimely, comical death directly in front of their barely comprehending toddler as a direct result of his precision or lack thereof. That’s gonna make him throw all the way through from here on out I think.

Not a speck of awareness of his own mortality in his eyes.
Not a speck of awareness of his own mortality in his eyes.

I don’t blame Josh Hamilton for one Texas man’s lack of a self preservation instinct, that’s dumb. I also don’t blame baseball stadiums. I, as usual, blame idiots. They come in all shapes and sizes and they’ll accidentally assassinate themselves no matter how impossible the world tries to make it. Admittedly, a thigh high railing over a 30 foot fall is not the BEST tool to fight tools, but what WILL keep the stupid from jumping after the pretty approaching orb? As we have continued to moron proof the world, I don’t doubt at all that in the near future all baseball stadiums will be built with chain link enclosed bleachers, locking the crowd in like the animals they are for their own good. And of course, it still won’t be enough, because as any Giants fan at Dodger Stadium will tell you once they’ve regained the ability to speak, not all of the danger is on the field.

So over react as quickly as you can baseball. Encase the stands in memory foam and packing peanuts double time, because before you can say “problem solved” some forehead is going to choke to death on a hunk of NASA technology that his buddies bet him a beer he couldn’t snort.

Drunk, Homeless, German Man Wins NBA Championship

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How much King Cobra can I get with this?

Move over LeBron James, there’s a new King in town, and he goes by the name “Dirk”. This seven foot homeless man from Germany reeks of malt liquor, sleeps in alleys, but by dumb luck has now found a new home in the NBA with the Dallas Mavericks.

HEY! This American beer is like pisswater.

Dirk, otherwise known on the streets as “Giant Adolf”, was mistaken for an NBA player last night while stumbling outside of the AmericanAirlines arena in Miami, Florida. A security guard at the Dallas Mavericks locker room figured that Giant Adolf had to be an NBA player being how tall he was, but was confused when Adolf kept asking him for some change. Through his thick German accent, the security guard figured he was “needing to change” so he could play in the game, let him in the locker room, and the rest is history.

Giant Adolf entered the game, ran around like a crazy man, scoring 21 points, grabbing 11 rebounds, won the NBA championship, was voted the MVP of the finals, and made LeBron James and Dwyane Wade of the Miami Heat look like playground punks playin’ a game of pickup basketball all while keeping a good buzz going during timeouts.

After the game, it was reported that Giant Adolf took his golden ball trophy and was seen walking in Miami Beach into JJ’s Liquor and Smokes looking to trade for two bottles of MadDog 20/20, a pack of Newports and some beef jerky. As for Giant Adolf’s future plans in the NBA, he was heard yelling “Ich liebe dieses Spiel” while he was pissing on a mailbox.

We Will KICK You In The Facebook!!

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Big deal, you can kick a ball

I just read some bullshit about a soccer player who created a Facebook page and got 7 Million likes in 7 hours. Holy goddamn Pelé that’s a crock of shit. A soccer player? It’s taken us 3 months to get 80 likes on Facebook. EIGHT … ZERO!!! THREE … MONTHS!!! So apparently pouring your heart out onto this digital plain that looks like a piece paper day after day after fuckin’ miserable day doesn’t count for shit!! Apparently all you need to do is run around on some grass and kick a ball around with your friends to be popular, or apparently you have to be some sorta hot stud from Argentina, sponsored by ADIDAS, who just happens to be the best soccer player in the world right now and probably makes an assload of pesos! Ok, that’s cool with me, now where’d I put those damn shinguards?

Dude’s name is Leo Messi and as far as we’re concerned, he can go kick himself in the mouth with his gifted feet. But we here at Van Full of Candy aren’t bitter, NOPE! We love this kind of thing, and we’re gonna take it to the next level Leo! We challenge you to a race, actually two races.

Race #1 … you, me, soccer field, race from one end to  the other. Winner gets the other’s followers. BAM SUCKA!

Race #2 … First person to 8 million likes on their Facebook page gets the other one’s bank account … AND just to make it competitive, we’ll give you a 7 million follower headstart. DOUBLE BAM SUCKA!!

So let’s do this. We’ll wait for your response. You name the soccer field, we’ll be there. Show up alone.

Put your hands down, you haven't won shit yet!

Ok, so now that we’ve totally put our multi-million dollar bank accounts on the line for this, we are going to need all of your help. Please!! Go to our Facebook page and “Like” our page, tell your friends and tell them to tell their friends, and tell them to tell those people to tell their parole officers, or whomever, let’s kick this soccer guys ass and get to 8 million followers TODAY!! WHO’S WITH ME?!?!

UPDATE: [1:45PM] We just received Leo’s YouTube video reply, and he’s ALL IN!!  LET’S DO THE DAMN THING!!