It was while tending to our number one favorite social networking portal that I stumbled upon something called a faces book. This “facebook” (something which seemingly combines two of my least favorite things) is a madhouse of frenetic energy, filled with lunatics and anxiety, which the still calmness of my [_____] has protected me against.
And while the serine, unspoiled plains of My[_____] are where we prefer to spend our online time, other folks seem to prefer facebook. People like angry Canadian flight attendants, kids day dreaming of high school chainsaw bombing massacres and people planning to shoot themselves in the face at a gun range. This is what digital farming simulations are driving people to.
Thousands of flight attendants for Air Canada, unhappy with both management AND union leaders decided the best way to get what they wanted was to cry about it on facebook like a bunch of flight attendants on facebook… The simile is narrow, but appropriate.
Meanwhile in a Pittsburgh suburb a school murder spree being organize on facebook by a handful of angsty loners, like a bunch of canadian flight attendants, was foiled long before the teens involved could have forgotten that they tried to act bad ass on a glorified message board because they had to change for gym in front of that stuck up bitch Lorie who totally thinks she’s so fucking cool. In language that Ellwood City Mayor Anthony Court said, “Was a very vivid description.” the students hatched their master stroke:
“OK ILL SOME EXPLOSIVES.”
Literal quote taken from the article. It went on to say that local Police “interpreted the message as Martinkovich saying he would get explosives.” Description can not, by definition, be vivid if interpretation is required to understand it.
Meanalsowhile in Ohio, a facebook using individual decided to post his suicide vlog to his profile before renting a gun at a shooting range and murdering himself in the head with it. The list of wrongs in this story is too long to really get into, so I’ll just say again, that I am still firmly anti big deadly weapon rental. This is apparently the third time in three years that someone has assassinated themselves with a loaner at this range, which (to me) begs the questions: Was it the same gun every time? What’re the odds of that? Or if when a gun is used in a rental suicide does it then have to be put down like a mountain lion that wandered into what used to be it’s neighborhood but is now a poorly placed culdesac and now has to be destroyed for being a mountain lion and doing exactly what mountain lions are designed to do rather than punishing the family that’s squatting on that mountain lion’s lawn? I’ve already firmly established that it is illegal in Texas to shoot a gun with another gun, but where do the pansies in Ohio stand in the gun on gun violence debate.
The point that I’m vaguely waving at here is that this is just the beginning of facebook based hysteria. Thursday facebook is going to be rolling out another slew of services including multimedia sharing services and “read, watched and listened” buttons which everyone is going to reflexively hate and bitch about. Facebook has become something so indispensable to people that they’ve attached a sort of personal ownership to the thing, and any time “those assholes” that created, maintain and improve what has now become this integral piece of their existence, do even the slightest little thing to improve the site, everyone bitches about it for a week. If the folks at facebook move a link button from one column to the next on your profile thousands of users wet their pants and scream at the internet like their only friend just read their unfinished X-Men slash novella before he’d gotten to the good part where Rogue grows three penises and rapes the multiple personalities of Jean Grey! … Or a Canadian flight attendant on facebook…
So, you folks have your facebooks, and your tweeting machines and your cordless cellular telephones. I’m perfectly happy with the unflinching quiet stillness of My[_____]. Nothing happens here and we like it that way and the only bad news I ever get is another morning when I don’t find a personally typed tear drenched response to my nightly e-mail whisper to new My[_____] owner Justin Timberlake where I tell him how my day went and how I know someday we’ll be together just like Tom would want. But I know he’s a busy, beautiful man, so I simultaneously don’t hold it against him, and continue sending them, knowing that if I stopped now, I would probably worry him, and I would hate to bring a second of pain into my little Jayjay’s adorable life…
So if you need us, we’ll be on My[_____], dreaming…
This entry was posted in Facebook, Headlines, Internet, Justin Timberlake, MySpace, Social Media and tagged Air Canada, Anthony Court, explosives, Facebook, Jean Grey, Justin Timberlake, Mark Zuckerberg, Martinkovich, MySpace, Rogue, Slash, Tom, X-Man.
I wanna shoot lasers on the chest and back of my first boyhood crush, and for once I don’t mean that metaphorically… Danica McKellar, let’s Tag one another with, oh, what’s say: Laser!
The newly revived craze seems to be begging beautiful celebrities through the YouTubes to hang out with you and their having to pretend that it’s an adorable gesture rather than treating it like the creepy, psychotic love letters of the desperate and delusional that they truly are. But who am I to buck the popular trend?
C’mon Danica: my treat!
This entry was posted in Celebrity, Social Media, Videos, YouTube and tagged Army, Cameron Diaz, Danica McKellar, Fondue, Laser Tag, Marine, Marine Corps Ball, Mathlete, Mila Kunis, Ultrazone, Veteran, Wonder Years, Young Justice.
It seems that if us normal folk want to step out on the town with untouchable Hollywood types, all we need to do is shoot a cute little video asking these film gods and goddesses to go somewhere with us, and they’ll say “Yes”. Kind of like a fun game of Millionnaire-Truth-or-Dare for them.
F’ING AWESOME !!!
So here’s our attempt to hook up with Hollywood Hottie Cameron Diaz for Van Full of Candy’s Fondue Fun Night at The Melting Pot in Sacramento, CA on November 18th, the same night as the Marine Corps Ball.
Jason is a US Army Veteran who was part of the 2nd Batallion/27th Infantry Regiment (7th Infantry Division) stationed in Fort Ord, CA. Hopefully that helps with the “she’ll do it because it’s her patriotic duty” sympathy card !!
This entry was posted in Celebrity, Comedy, Entertainment News, Social Media, YouTube and tagged Cameron Diaz, Justin Timberlake, Marine Corps Ball, Mila Kunis, Sgt Scott Moore, The Melting Pot, US Army.
OMG Ya’ll! O to the MUTHA FUCKIN’ G!!!
Did you hear? Did you hear the news!? Justin Timberlake owns My[_____]! I know! Well when I heard the news, I leapt out of my chair and kissed the nearest homeless person. Then I gave them a dollar to stop screaming at me.
When we at Van Full of Candy set up our web presence, we had largely ignored My[_____]. Almost solely because it lacked an element of Justin Timberlake ownership. But with the wonderful, magical news this morning that Justin Timberlake (as part of a partnership with Specific Media, but mostly just as Justin Timberlake) had purchased My[_____] from News Corp for only $35 million, (a miniscule fraction of the $580 million hat News Corp had paid for “MySpace” just a few short, heady years ago) I knew that we had to get our My[_____] on and get in on the ground floor of what can only be the single greatest thing to happen to the internet since the invention of the W! Here is the timeline of my throwing myself at the feet of Triple Threat McGee and his new Social Media Empire!
9:24 am: Read that Justin Timberlake personally bought My[_____] with his own gorgeous money.
9:25 am: Opened My[_____] account.
9:26 am: Sat, daydreaming about me and JT hangin’ out, being handsome.
9:31 am: Washed hands, began writing this article.
9:35 am: Posted first My[_____] status update.
9:36 am: Started looking for the perfect Hollywood hot spot for our first Champaign brunch with Justin SexyBack.
9:39 am: Took a break from brunch shopping to read my first My[_____] e-mail!
9:40 am: Visited the theme gallery and customized our profile:
9:43 am: Followed our fave Topics in movies, celeb and TV:
9:52 am: Listened to albums, created playlists, and more:
9:56 am: Didn’t connect with their many curators because I didn’t know what that meant and I was scared…
And then, at 10:25 am, after grooving to the JT express as hard and as loud as I could, I made the big step…
10:26 am: My little heart was broken…
10:27 am: … I cried. I cried so hard that I broke my cryer: I fear I may never be able to cry again.
Why Justin, why would you do this to me? I’ve done so much to show you my love, and this is how my affection is returned?
Sure, maybe I’m not Andy Samberg, maybe I can’t invite you onto my show and write you hilarious songs about boning each other’s parents. Maybe all I can do is love you, with all of my candy clogged heart, from afar, in the hopes that some day, SOME DAY, maybe that love will be returned in kind…
In the meantime, join us on the new JustinSpace page. Friend us, because if Justin sees just how cool and popular we are, surely he will be our friends. We couldn’t win Charlie Sheen’s heart, but please, help us make Justin love us!
This entry was posted in Celebrity, Entertainment News, Justin Timberlake, MySpace, Social Media, World News and tagged Andy Samberg, Charlie Sheen, Chop Me Up, Friends with Benefits, Justin Timberlake, Kim Kardashian, Love Stoned, My, MySpace, News Corp, SexyBack, space, Specific Media, Summer Love, Until the End of Time, What Goes Around.
Oh god, we’re ruined!
Let me explain…
I’m (Jesse) a huge fan of Tally Hall (going to see them at the Troubadour, August 2nd, let me know if you’ll be there, we can hang, maybe become besties and braid each other’s hair…) a difficult to categorize and describe indy band out of Ann Arbor, Michigan. I found them a couple years ago quite by accident, as almost all good musical finds happen. A couple weeks ago I pre-ordered their new album “Good & Evil” (released yesterday and available on iTunes and at Quack Media. After getting a link in my e-mail to check out the free streaming preview of the new album, I discovered another link, promoting Tally Hall writing and recording your own personal theme song. I was ecstatic, and as such, did not read very clearly the entire sentence. I assumed that all pre-order customers had been selected to receive a customized theme song from my new favorite band.
Well, that was all I needed to hear. I ran out and bought (not rented, BOUGHT) hundreds of thousands of dozens of dollars worth of equipment, the type of equipment somehow didn’t seem to matter. I bought lights, cameras, rototillers, gas ranges, more lights, a retired soviet communications satellite, all to make what in my mind was going to be the single greatest music video in the history of musicalized videography! I realize now that this was probably incredibly dumb and made very little sense, but at the time it somehow sounded like the most rational thing in the world…
After re-reading the web page at the insistence of Jason, I discovered that I had in fact entirely misread almost all of what I thought as the only true fact in the world. In fact we were merely entering into a CONTEST to potentially, maybe possibly win a theme song… Perhaps… In theory…
Now, we can clearly see that this is more of a raffle than much of a contest. It seems we post the information on our twitter and or Facebook feeds, and that is likely meant to be that. But frankly, I’ve sunken several life’s savings into all of this hardware and am somehow three weeks into filming of our multi-dollar music video, despite having just learned of the possibility roughly 18 hours ago… So we figured, we might as well make our love of and adoration for Tally Hall known, hoping to somehow sway the hat that the collective entrant’s names will almost certainly be drawn from. Assuming that a hat can be cajoled, and given my proclivity for believing in things entirely impossible, I don’t see how this could possibly fail.
So check out “Good & Evil” the new album from Tally Hall and tell ’em Van Full of Candy sent ya! Best case scenario, we end up with the most awesomest theme song that ever awesomed a theme. Worst case, we’ve potentially introduced the incredible sounds of Tally Hall to thousands of new, unsuspecting ears. Either way, worth our time.
This entry was posted in Apple, Audio, Contest, Entertainment News, Social Media and tagged contest, Good & Evil, iTunes, Music Video, Quack Media, rototiller, soviet communications satellite, Tally Hall.
New York Congressman, Anthony Weiner, decided he was going to show his pee-pee to some ladies on the interwebs. Apparently he thought women could keep their mouths shut, and I mean that in the most loving way possible, seriously. Let’s just take a quick look at this shit, shall we Weiner?
#1. You are a U.S. Representative, New York Congressman, and your wife is an aide to Hilary Clinton. Did you think you weren’t just a smidge high profile?
#2. You sent pics of your beautifully shorn chest and your boxer-brief’s bulge via Twitter and Facebook to about 6 different women? Why in the hell would you use your real Twitter account name you FOOL?!? It’s @RepWeiner for those of you who’d like to try and hook up with him. Everybody knows that you have a REAL account and a “I wanna show my schlong” account. Stupid, stupid man!
#3. As soon as you pressed “Send” you must have known that some shit was gonna go down, right? There must have been a slight moment of hesitation where you said “I know I shouldn’t do this, but this girl isn’t gonna throw me under the bus, we’re tight.” I mean seriously. Did you not think that in this day and age with how fast information flies across the world, that any one of these girls wouldn’t try to make some serious money off your stupidity? Did you not think that any one of them would possibly want to get on a Good Morning news program, want to write a book, get on Oprah’s new network and talk, talk, talk about your groin?
Look bro, I’m not mad at ya, I just feel sorry for you since you got caught. But when you don’t think things through, that’s what happens, and now you’re gonna get a slap on the hand, you’ll need to make a Tiger Woods apology-interview, and then just stay under the radar for a few days because the bigger, better, shavier chested news story is quickly coming around the corner, and your “5 minutes of fame” is going to fade away into the media abyss, and we’ll all go back to commuting to work, eating our turkey sandwiches and having no clue who you are.
I just read some bullshit about a soccer player who created a Facebook page and got 7 Million likes in 7 hours. Holy goddamn Pelé that’s a crock of shit. A soccer player? It’s taken us 3 months to get 80 likes on Facebook. EIGHT … ZERO!!! THREE … MONTHS!!! So apparently pouring your heart out onto this digital plain that looks like a piece paper day after day after fuckin’ miserable day doesn’t count for shit!! Apparently all you need to do is run around on some grass and kick a ball around with your friends to be popular, or apparently you have to be some sorta hot stud from Argentina, sponsored by ADIDAS, who just happens to be the best soccer player in the world right now and probably makes an assload of pesos! Ok, that’s cool with me, now where’d I put those damn shinguards?
Dude’s name is Leo Messi and as far as we’re concerned, he can go kick himself in the mouth with his gifted feet. But we here at Van Full of Candy aren’t bitter, NOPE! We love this kind of thing, and we’re gonna take it to the next level Leo! We challenge you to a race, actually two races.
Race #1 … you, me, soccer field, race from one end to the other. Winner gets the other’s followers. BAM SUCKA!
Race #2 … First person to 8 million likes on their Facebook page gets the other one’s bank account … AND just to make it competitive, we’ll give you a 7 million follower headstart. DOUBLE BAM SUCKA!!
So let’s do this. We’ll wait for your response. You name the soccer field, we’ll be there. Show up alone.
Ok, so now that we’ve totally put our multi-million dollar bank accounts on the line for this, we are going to need all of your help. Please!! Go to our Facebook page and “Like” our page, tell your friends and tell them to tell their friends, and tell them to tell those people to tell their parole officers, or whomever, let’s kick this soccer guys ass and get to 8 million followers TODAY!! WHO’S WITH ME?!?!
UPDATE: [1:45PM] We just received Leo’s YouTube video reply, and he’s ALL IN!! LET’S DO THE DAMN THING!!