Retail

Happy Memorial Day Sale – Extra 15% Off + Free Shipping !!

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Happy Summer Start Sale You Brave Shopping Soldiers

In honor of all those who have shopped all over this great land of freedom called America (The Mall Of), and for those who have died on the battlefields of miserably long retail lines, we salute you with an extra 10% off your entire purchase if you sign up for one of our credit cards today.

In honor of those who thought American Express cards were accepted at certain stores

Today we honor your frugality and smart fashion sense by raising the American flag briskly to the top of the staff, as fast as the elevator can get you from Juniors on the 1st floor to Women’s Shoes on the third floor. We will then solemnly lower the flag back down to the half-staff position at the “remembrance” speed of an escalator going to Home Furnishings where it will remain until noon, at which point we will raise it back up to full-staff, which was honorably named after having all employees manning their stations right after the lunch rush at Hot Dog on a Stick in the Food Court, where it will remain waving proudly as a symbolic beacon much like the Blue-Light Special at K-Mart.

Memorial Day Sale is a day when family and good friends can get together, BBQ the meats of poorly treated animals, sip on some lemonade and reminisce about our triumph at Macy’s Hill, the tragedy of Pottery Barn Harbor, and all the other war stories of sales gone by and loved ones who didn’t make it out those sales alive. We can watch pretty colored cars spin around a track for 500 miles and consume red, white and blue

I got this hat as a free gift with purchase of $50 of Lancome

lager until we turn crab red whilst lounging by our concrete swim areas in our newly purchased bikinis and board shorts, which did I mention was an extra 25% off since I got there before 6am? And hopefully miss the DUI checkpoint on the way home. Ahh yes!! What a lovely holiday.

Happy Memorial Day Sale to everyone!

Heinz Tomato Ketchup : It’s Monkey Shit Bitch!!

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What is this material "glass" of which you speak?

H.J. Heinz, the makers of America’s most beloved ketchup, Heinz Tomato Ketchup (not Catsup), has officially announced that they will be selling the “glass bottle” ketchup in select stores this summer. They said that they “want to bring some nostalgia to the summer barbecue season.”
I know personally that I cannot wait to get ahold of some of these bottles. To sit around on the back porch with some lemonade and reminisce about summers of old, when waiting patiently for ketchup to slowly plop out of the bottle was just part of life, and boy did we love waiting. I believe it will be a welcome contrast to those quick and easy no drip no mess bottles of the present where ketchup is just instantly available while your food is still hot. Man, what sort of fast food society have we become? Are we in such a hurry that we can’t wait 6-8 minutes for ketchup? Apparently we want our ketchup and we WANT IT NOW! Don’t you remember the fun we used to have shaking the bottle? Hitting the bottom of it with the palms of our hands? Shoving a butter knife in the bottle to lovingly help it out? God those days were amazing.
So, I needed to know if I was the only one who had this feeling about the good ‘ol days of ketchup, so I decided to ask a paint huffer I see everyday downtown while I wait for the train. Here’s what he had to say:

I'm a Golden Warrior! Where's the closest Ace Hardware?

Me: Have you heard about Heinz Tomato Ketchup being sold in the old school glass bottles again?
Huffer: Hey man weren’t you here yesterday or something?
Me: Yes, I’m here most weekdays, and so are you.
Huffer: I am? Wait! What is this? I didn’t do shit man!! Are you trying to steal my magical golden paper bag?
Me: No, no. I just want to know what you think about the ketchup being sold in bottles again.
Huffer: Man, listen to me and listen closely. (Whispers) I know what they do to ketchup, I was there man! I used to work in a factory where they had monkeys, TONS of monkeys … and they’d just run around the joint and eat tomatoes all day, it was soooooooooo weird man, they would just eat them all crazy like, like fuckin’ zombies, and tomato guts were just everywhere, dripping down their chins, all in their fur, and they’d jump up and down and scream this horrible horrible scream, just like mommy used to do when she and her weekly manfriend would come home from the bar and they’d play “naked couch” and mommy would turn into a horse, but the details of that aren’t clear since I was only 5, but yeah man … those goddamn monkeys, and those fucking tomatoes and then after they ate so much, to the point of almost bursting, they’d all get on this cartoon-like conveyer belt and … IT’S MONKEY SHIT!! THAT GODDAMN KETCHUP IS MONKEY SHIT BITCH!! … Whoa man … sorry, I need to look inside my magic golden paperbag for a second.
Me: You know what? You better let me have a look inside that bag too, because that’s the kind of ketchup story I want to tell my grandkids.

Heinz Tomato Ketchup : It's Monkey Shit Bitch!!

Posted on

What is this material “glass” of which you speak?

H.J. Heinz, the makers of America’s most beloved ketchup, Heinz Tomato Ketchup (not Catsup), has officially announced that they will be selling the “glass bottle” ketchup in select stores this summer. They said that they “want to bring some nostalgia to the summer barbecue season.”
I know personally that I cannot wait to get ahold of some of these bottles. To sit around on the back porch with some lemonade and reminisce about summers of old, when waiting patiently for ketchup to slowly plop out of the bottle was just part of life, and boy did we love waiting. I believe it will be a welcome contrast to those quick and easy no drip no mess bottles of the present where ketchup is just instantly available while your food is still hot. Man, what sort of fast food society have we become? Are we in such a hurry that we can’t wait 6-8 minutes for ketchup? Apparently we want our ketchup and we WANT IT NOW! Don’t you remember the fun we used to have shaking the bottle? Hitting the bottom of it with the palms of our hands? Shoving a butter knife in the bottle to lovingly help it out? God those days were amazing.
So, I needed to know if I was the only one who had this feeling about the good ‘ol days of ketchup, so I decided to ask a paint huffer I see everyday downtown while I wait for the train. Here’s what he had to say:

I’m a Golden Warrior! Where’s the closest Ace Hardware?

Me: Have you heard about Heinz Tomato Ketchup being sold in the old school glass bottles again?
Huffer: Hey man weren’t you here yesterday or something?
Me: Yes, I’m here most weekdays, and so are you.
Huffer: I am? Wait! What is this? I didn’t do shit man!! Are you trying to steal my magical golden paper bag?
Me: No, no. I just want to know what you think about the ketchup being sold in bottles again.
Huffer: Man, listen to me and listen closely. (Whispers) I know what they do to ketchup, I was there man! I used to work in a factory where they had monkeys, TONS of monkeys … and they’d just run around the joint and eat tomatoes all day, it was soooooooooo weird man, they would just eat them all crazy like, like fuckin’ zombies, and tomato guts were just everywhere, dripping down their chins, all in their fur, and they’d jump up and down and scream this horrible horrible scream, just like mommy used to do when she and her weekly manfriend would come home from the bar and they’d play “naked couch” and mommy would turn into a horse, but the details of that aren’t clear since I was only 5, but yeah man … those goddamn monkeys, and those fucking tomatoes and then after they ate so much, to the point of almost bursting, they’d all get on this cartoon-like conveyer belt and … IT’S MONKEY SHIT!! THAT GODDAMN KETCHUP IS MONKEY SHIT BITCH!! … Whoa man … sorry, I need to look inside my magic golden paperbag for a second.
Me: You know what? You better let me have a look inside that bag too, because that’s the kind of ketchup story I want to tell my grandkids.

Van Full of Easter Candy

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Easter is traditionally celebrated for two things:

a) the brutal shit kicking of Jesus Horatio Christ, culminating in his being affixed to a tree and propped up in Rome’s front yard like a pink flamingo that’s been kicked in the face for an hour. You know, for you and your stupid sins.

And

2) delicious seasonal candies.

We here at Van Full of Candy, naturally, spend a good portion of our day talking about the former. But we’re not monsters, after all, “Candy” is either 1/3 or 1/4 of our name, depending upon whether or not you personally count the “of”. So it would stand to reason that we at VFoC love candy at least as much as commemorating your personal lord and savior’s unholy beat down.

So with that in mind, Van Full of Candy will be transformed for this weekend into the Van Full of Easter Candy, and present to you a showdown of delicious and not so delicious treats that mangy Spring Rabbit might crap into your pastel hued Jesus basket!

The orange colored dye is good for your sight

Whitman’s Marshmallow Carrot

Easter just keeps falling deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole. As time continues on and the real reason for Easter keeps getting pushed further and further away, we’ll have more time to ignore the brutal crucifixion of Jesus, and focus on the happy happy fun time Easter bunny and all that comes along with him. Like eggs, and little pink & yellow birdies, and jellybeans, and now … carrots? Are we just completely running out of rabbit associated candied paraphernalia to avert our eyes from the grandeur of Christ’s suffering? Oh wait, they’re made out of marshmallow? Ok then never mind, these are cool.

– versus –

Chock full of escential vita-yums!
Chock full of essential vita-yums!

Reese’s Pieces Carrot

It’s Reese’s Pieces, already, a win. Only the orange ones of course, because if they had the yellow and brown ones it would look like Maze, and this isn’t Thanksgiving, so get back to being a conveniently forgotten national shame, “Native Americans”. And all of these orange tasties are all wrapped up in a pointy baggy with green edges. It’s a peanut butter carrot. If “real” carrots tasted like this, I would shit rabbits. But they don’t, so I’m legally blind. Fortunately I just have to follow the orange, peanut butter scented blur to my daily allotment of beta caroyum!

Don't eat too many, we're going to McDonald's for dinner

Weight Watchers Chocolate Mousse Eggs

Nothing says “sorry kids, we’re horrible parents and fed you to obesity” more than getting one of these super yummy Weight Watchers mousse eggs in your basket, and it’s ONLY 1 POINT per egg!! So eat up kids!! I’m sure it tastes just like real chocolate like all the other kids in the neighborhood got, and I’m sure there won’t be any teasing when everybody is comparing what they got in their baskets. Thanks mom!

– versus –

They also sell individual eggs in a uranium shipping container.
They also sell individual eggs in a uranium shipping container.

Marshmallow Eggs by the Carton

Okay, I get what you’re doing here. A carton of eggs. Cute. By all rights, this should be a solid treat, the idea of chocolate covered marshmallow is a sound one. It’s chocolate, it’s marshmallow, there’s nothing not delicious there. But somehow they seem to find the worst of both elements, make them unreasonably small and store them in the worst possible way, selling these miniscule chalky marshmallowesque lumps slathered in a dry, crumbly chocolateish shell in a full sized styrofoam egg carton that could easily accommodate three times as much “candy” as it’s asked to foster. And I’ll give you six to one, in a decomposition race the marshmallow egg dances on the styrofoam’s grave.

God, Chocolate, Government ... The Easter Trifecta

Bunny Money

If you can find an Easter candy that embodies religion, government, chocolate and poor taste as much as this sweet little gem from the horrible people at Whitman’s does, then I’ll actually eat a piece of any Russell Stover “chocolate” of your choosing. My mouth just did that pre-throw up watering thing. “In God We Trust” takes a whole new meaning for the kids when they find this edible currency in their Easter basket. Not only do they get to associate the importance of the almighty dollar with a tummy ache, they also get taught that Jesus’ death symbol (the rabbit) is as important as a US President and tastes like sweet chocolate death.

– versus –

Please hear my prayers, for nummy treats.
Please hear my prayers, for nummy treats.

Palmer Hear My Prayer Double Crisp

Palmer is science’s answer to candy. While mostly relegated to dollar stores (I can only assume to protect the general populace from excessive delicious), a lot of Palmer candies do still make it out into the “retail” world. Their fudge cups are one of my personal year round favorites, and I love any sort of holiday shaped confections they churn out throughout the year. But you see, the thing I love most about Palmer candies is that they don’t bullshit you. They come right out and tell you that hey, we’re chocolate FLAVORED. They make no claims of being actual chocolate and I respect that. I don’t know what exactly it is that I’m eating, but it tastes like yum to me. And with these sinfully delicious crispy chocolate prayer hands the good people at Palmer sure know how to put the Christ back in Christ-Easter-mas. I’ll tell you what I’m praying for… MORE!

Happy Spring Rabbit Festival everybody, have a big ‘ol tummy ache for us.

iPad 2 Features Revealed

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Gather ye multitudes and bear witness to the second coming
The Apple rumor mill is in full swing this week with rumors of the new iPad. Lucky for you, Van Full of Candy is always on the bleeding edge of technological scuttlebutt. We are forever privy to insider information and are always in the VIP sections of all computer’y thingy’s related soirees where hundreds of geeks gather for the cyberworld heavens to open and bestow upon us the latest gadgetry in which we shall giggle uncontrollably, then give our paycheck offerings to the black, mock turtleneck swaddled deity, Steve “Immanuel” Jobs.
The announcement for the new iPad 2 will be announced next Wednesday to the press, as seen from the invitation that we just recently received above. However, Van Full of Candy got a special “secret SECOND invitation” as well, one that Mashable didn’t even receive. One that let us actually play with the new electronic Etch A Sketch yesterday, and although we signed a non-disclosure agreement, we just can’t keep this gizmo’s deliciousness from our loyal fans. Aside from the mundane, normal features that everybody is expecting, like two cameras, or bigger speakers, and cool new holes for plugging things into it, here are the REAL upgrades that nobody was expecting from the soon to be released iPad 2.

The resolution is making me cry

Real Retina Display – In an ever increasing race for unmatchable clarity in handheld devices, Apple has found the ultimate retina display available. The eye of a whale. The dimensions of a whale’s eye is coincidentally the exact size of the iPad 2 which makes for a perfect display. We found that the wet, slimy screen was a little hard to get used to, but God the clarity is so worth it.
Quick Porn Invisibility Mode – If you’ve ever been browsing the
If only the sound would have stopped too
underbelly of the internets, you’ve probably come across a website or two that might borderline on the NSFW variety. Well now those “getting caught porn handed” days are over. The new iPad 2 has an infrared sensor that turns the whole damn thing invisible when anybody gets within 6 feet of you when you’re browsing porn. Brilliant! In our tests, we found that this mode works well with hiding the embarrassment of browsing icanhazcheeseburger.com as well.

What luck that his last name was Shrinker

Built In Professional Espresso Maker – In an agreement between Apple and Starbucks, a full blown effort to rid coffee shops of these techy-caffeine-junkies who set up shop in your local Starbuck’s has been put in place. The two megapowers put their zillion dollar budgets together to create the smallest, professional grade espresso maker that will fit in the iPad 2. The La Marzocco FB/80 Semi professional espresso maker has been created by the Dr. Shrinker shrink ray which Jobs acquired once the show was cancelled. The 64GB version comes with an actual barista.

Next year we'll have one for the bathroom

Doorstop Mode – In an effort to be more sustainable and keep their devices out of landfills around the world, Apple has smartly introduced the doorstop mode. Once you purchase your iPad 2, an App will install automatically about 364 days after the purchase, the exact day your device will become obsolete with the new iPad 3. When you press the Doorstop Mode App icon, the iPad 2 will then fold into a wedge shaped doorstop. Voila! Your doors stay open and you just saved another whale, which Apple will then kill to make two more iPad 3’s. The circle of life.
Me: 1 - Whales: 0

It’s a LUSH Li(f)e

Posted on Updated on

If you find wallet rape offensive, then please, change the channel right now!

My olfactory system was overcome with an overabundance of fruity jungle’ness, lemongrass, vanilla and hints of relaxation. One would think that by the thickness of the aroma that I was actually marinating in a bubbling tub of potpourri right here in the middle of the mall. I was actually three stores away, just passing a Build-a-Bear, when I noticed the foam green, chamomile/lavender stench-fog spewing from another retailer not less than 20 yards on my right.

Who's ready for their $13 bath?

Was this a reincarnation of the long defunct Illuminations candle store? I was confused. I kept watching as this stench-fog slowly came after me, enveloped me, and then gently carried me inside to what I can best describe as a caffeine induced fit of adult Candy Land slumber-partyness. I was greeted by smiles and dancing and the immediate attention of complete strangers wanting to wash me and anoint me with their biblical oils of healing and Zen. I had just entered … LUSH … and from what I can tell, I wasn’t getting away any time soon.

The products looked like yummy cookies and candies and cake frosting all for my very own enjoyment. Every color of the rainbow and every smell imaginable. It was the Willy Wonka of skincare and aromatherapy. Before I knew it, I had a Bath-Bomb contact high as a rolled around on the facial cleanser table like a dog who just found a certain smell in the grass. My arms were being exfoliated and my forehead was being moisturized while happy salespeople bounced around singing the latest happy-song being blasted over their Muzak system. Holy Lord, where have you been all my life LUSH? Why have I never been encapsulated in your peppermint love haze before when making a quick jaunt to the Apple store? I was in a butter cream, lemon fizz, mimosa blossom orgasmic state of mind when I was asked what I would like to purchase. “GIVE … ME … EVERYTHING!!” I exalted to the heavens like a gladiator who had just slain the lions. “EVERYTHING!! … I COMMAND YOU!!”. After the salespeople helped me down from the table in the display window, they guided me over to the table of reckoning where they asked me for my credit card.  Gladly I handed it over to them so that I could quickly get home with my bounty to recreate this dream again in the privacy of my own lavatory.

LUSH's new 12 step program for getting off their smack

What’s this? $76.44?!?! Dost mine ears deceive me? I quickly snapped out of my fool’s paradise and into the stark reality that my senses had been bamboozled into buying little plastic buckets of oatmeal mixed with tea for $50/lb. I was mortified. What do I do? They tricked me, these charlatans. Why would I pay so much for a quick shower when I could easily get a pound of Brie de Meaux for only $17.61/lb or even some Biellese Salumeria Lamb Prosciutto for $29.50/lb. Or even better, I could get a pound of both for $47.11 and eat my way into a gastronomic coma. How could they do this to me?

They say a sucker is born every minute, and, well, this sucker is soaking in a Dreamtime Bath Melt while enjoying another spread of Brie on a Carr’s whole wheat cracker. Cheers!

It's a LUSH Li(f)e

Posted on

If you find wallet rape offensive, then please, change the channel right now!

My olfactory system was overcome with an overabundance of fruity jungle’ness, lemongrass, vanilla and hints of relaxation. One would think that by the thickness of the aroma that I was actually marinating in a bubbling tub of potpourri right here in the middle of the mall. I was actually three stores away, just passing a Build-a-Bear, when I noticed the foam green, chamomile/lavender stench-fog spewing from another retailer not less than 20 yards on my right.

Who's ready for their $13 bath?

Was this a reincarnation of the long defunct Illuminations candle store? I was confused. I kept watching as this stench-fog slowly came after me, enveloped me, and then gently carried me inside to what I can best describe as a caffeine induced fit of adult Candy Land slumber-partyness. I was greeted by smiles and dancing and the immediate attention of complete strangers wanting to wash me and anoint me with their biblical oils of healing and Zen. I had just entered … LUSH … and from what I can tell, I wasn’t getting away any time soon.

The products looked like yummy cookies and candies and cake frosting all for my very own enjoyment. Every color of the rainbow and every smell imaginable. It was the Willy Wonka of skincare and aromatherapy. Before I knew it, I had a Bath-Bomb contact high as a rolled around on the facial cleanser table like a dog who just found a certain smell in the grass. My arms were being exfoliated and my forehead was being moisturized while happy salespeople bounced around singing the latest happy-song being blasted over their Muzak system. Holy Lord, where have you been all my life LUSH? Why have I never been encapsulated in your peppermint love haze before when making a quick jaunt to the Apple store? I was in a butter cream, lemon fizz, mimosa blossom orgasmic state of mind when I was asked what I would like to purchase. “GIVE … ME … EVERYTHING!!” I exalted to the heavens like a gladiator who had just slain the lions. “EVERYTHING!! … I COMMAND YOU!!”. After the salespeople helped me down from the table in the display window, they guided me over to the table of reckoning where they asked me for my credit card.  Gladly I handed it over to them so that I could quickly get home with my bounty to recreate this dream again in the privacy of my own lavatory.

LUSH's new 12 step program for getting off their smack

What’s this? $76.44?!?! Dost mine ears deceive me? I quickly snapped out of my fool’s paradise and into the stark reality that my senses had been bamboozled into buying little plastic buckets of oatmeal mixed with tea for $50/lb. I was mortified. What do I do? They tricked me, these charlatans. Why would I pay so much for a quick shower when I could easily get a pound of Brie de Meaux for only $17.61/lb or even some Biellese Salumeria Lamb Prosciutto for $29.50/lb. Or even better, I could get a pound of both for $47.11 and eat my way into a gastronomic coma. How could they do this to me?

They say a sucker is born every minute, and, well, this sucker is soaking in a Dreamtime Bath Melt while enjoying another spread of Brie on a Carr’s whole wheat cracker. Cheers!