Religion

Crisis in the Holy Land: Biebs vs. Heebs

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As regular readers know, we at Van Full of Candy have a love, hate, stab, caress relationship with a certain young pop super star whose name shall be mentioned many dozen times throughout this article. Whether it’s his disappointment in and hatred of rape victims, or his world shaking follicle styling decisions, we have been there every step of the way over the last three plus months of our official existence. Bieber gives us life, his floppy headed stupidity nourishes us, it feeds our machine so that we might feast upon him again.

And so, hearing the news that the Bieb was taking his healing message to the planet’s most picked at open sore, I couldn’t help but be intrigued at the potentially horrible possibilities. And as usual, when it comes to matters of tact and sense, JBiZzle doesn’t disappoint.

"Stop taking pictures of me! I just want my privacy, gosh!"
"Stop taking pictures of me! I just want my privacy, gosh!"

Justin apparently touched down in the promised land on Monday as part of his “My World” tour. The arrogance and ignorance makes me stronger! I can’t help but giggle at the gall of this little oblivious twat prancing through Perpetualwarslavia with his smoldering hot Canadianess and his utter lack of personal awareness as he takes a walk about across the face of His World. It truly makes me want to punch him in the face with the fist of a million holocaust ghosts. If only Justin had been around a little sooner, perhaps with the power of his disarming wink he could have shown that mean ol’ Adolph that his pursuits were pointless, this is Bieber’s world, and his alone.

A day doesn’t go by that we’re not reminded that America is a Christian Nation and as such, Jesus grew up in Bethlehem, Colorado, so I’m not sure where this beaver pelt wearing, igloo humping Canadian gets off trying to get all uppity that he’s being pestered by paparazzi while trying to visit our God’s explodey birthplace.

We of course know about every tiny perceived hardships that the Bieb is experiencing because of his personal telepathic link to the internets, Twitter. Through his twitter account he has shared his twelve trials, whining about the paparazzi that “They should be ashamed of themselves. Take pictures of me eating but not in a place of prayer, ridiculous ” and “You would think paparazzi would have some respect in holy places. All I wanted was the chance to walk where Jesus did here in Israel,” And Justin is absolutely right! Finally something I can agree with him completely on. Why can’t the paparazzi show the same level of respect for these holy places that Justin is tweeting that he has… from these holy places. Just because he’s walking in the footsteps of the Christ, doesn’t mean he has to put down his smart phone long enough to actually look around and be respectful of what and where it is that he is bitching about not being respected at. And of course there is no more divine expression of one’s respect and reverence than in the form of a 140 character kvetch. Twitter is the ultimate tool in circumventing damnation from the sin of Hubris, because while you are vainly boasting about your importance and value, you’re only doing it in bite sized portions, so clearly it doesn’t count.

Then you toss on top of all of this there’s the political theatre of snubbing and finger pointing. Justin, rightfully expected an audience with Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu, because he clearly has nothing better to do than to shake hands with a seventeen year old pop star with a delusional sense of self worth. Netanyahu wanted to bring in some kids that earlier in the week had been shot at by rockets and as we all know Justin is allergic to human tragedy and it all became a big kerfuffle and now everyone’s blaming everyone else for a pointless meeting between two people who have no business ever meeting in the first place never happening at all. And we’re all the lesser for it. Somehow.

Now, I know that Justin isn’t doing anything out of malice or with any sort of forethought. He’s a self absorbed child with more money than any of us will ever see if we lived to be three million, and no one telling him no. He’s being no more disrespectful and oblivious than any North American child his age would be. The only difference is that his inane bullshit is being heard by millions of followers. But naturally, we can’t stay mad at you Justin, you’re just too adorable and precocious. So here is a little something we whipped together in your honour (the extra “u” is for extra Canadian), celebrating our undying love of all things Bieber, combined with my unbridled insanity.

So I invite you all to enjoy the first installment of a potentially limitless part series. Van Full of Candy proudly presents: Bieber Shots!

Bieber Shots #1: Click to enjoy.
Bieber Shots #1: Click to enjoy.

At Least 72% of Fox News Poll Responders to Burn in Hell

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I’m not a religious man. I’ve been known to call God a “fucking dick“, a “thin skinned deity who throws a bitch fit every time something doesn’t go his way” and a “bearded sky douche” among many other unkind things. We don’t exchange Christmas cards, or as he insists on correcting me every fucking time, Birthday cards. But that doesn’t change the fact that many people are.

"Ha-HA! Back again! You bettah rekkanize!"
"Ha-HA! Back again! You bettah rekkanize!"

Of course all religions believe that theirs is the one true God. They read His book, buy His merchandise and hang out at His house every week, telling Him how great He is, hoping that if they suck up hard enough they’ll get on His guest list. And I guess that’s a fine system for billions of people around the world, so who am I to knock it. One of the problems with that system though, is that it is mostly based in fear. Now they say that theirs is a God of love and peace and sandwiches and reach arounds, but if you really flip through the manuscript, you’ll find that there’s usually a pretty hard line in there about how much you’re supposed to say how awesome He is or you will fucking melt until forever comes! That seems harsh. You would think that someone telling them that that might not be the case would be welcomed with open, as yet unmelted arms. But no, people are perfectly content with the idea that if they slip for even a moment they risk bobbing up and down in a boiling lake of molten pus and filth and don’t you tell them any different.

See, a couple weeks ago a book was released in which the writer called bullshit on Hell. I don’t know the specifics, I can’t read. But the basics are that this young book writing pastor shares his doubts on a literal Hell, where all of those not worthy of entrance into Heaven will spend eternity writhing in torment, sent there by their cry baby all mighty who didn’t feel like you really meant it. And the reaction to thinking that his loving God wouldn’t do that to billions upon billions of souls created in his own image, has been largely negative. People have been told for thousands of years to be good or spend an infinite infinities cooking but never ready to carve and they are good with that. But I can understand, it’s like life on the mortal plane. Because, I know that I would rob and murder and covet my sweet, tangy balls off if I didn’t have the ever present spector of continuous pay cable style butt hole intrusion hanging over me in the prison best befitting the punishment of my crimes. It is only the God of the judicial system and Punk Fucka, God of the tooth punched out forced fellatio that keep me from doing what my heart truly calls for me to do.

Which all brings me back to a Fox News Poll that I stumbled upon this afternoon. In this poll, Fox News online readers are asked “Do You Fear Hell?” A simple and straight forward enough question, but the answers are somewhat surprising…

Old school damnation.
Old school damnation.

First, straight away, 17% of responders answered “Yes. I am afraid my soul could be condemned there for eternity.” So right there we’ve got 1 in 6 people just throwing up their hands and giving up. They know what they’ve done and they’re pretty sure that God is going to be pissed. I suppose you have to respect those who know where they stand and seem to have accepted it. It’s freeing really, now they can suck and shoot to their heart’s delight knowing that there’s not a whole hell of a lot they could have done about it anyway.

Next, 11% say “No. I believe God’s love and forgiveness extends to everyone.” Those people are of course, going to Hell. Because that’s not what God says, or, at least not what his ghost writers say. So their beliefs are heresy and therefore they will share swim trunks with all of the pedophiles and telemarketers that their kind deserve to suffer next to.

Then we have the 39% who defiantly answered “I don’t believe in hell.” Naturally, they too will be joining those who believe in their God’s love and forgiveness for all creatures great and small. God didn’t create a Hell, in which you will to sit out your punishment and think about how it was that you so wronged Him as to deserve demons gnawing on your flesh and your most horrible secrets being laid bare before you, relived over and over again to eyes that will not close and head that will not turn away, for you to not believe that it’s for serious and as real as a flesh gnawing demon!

Another 5% clearly didn’t recognize the gravity of their answer, responding “Not sure. I guess I’ll find out when I get there.” and damning themselves to an unyielding torment as the ultimate answer to their flippant indifference. Yeah, I guess we will find out if your insides will boil, melting through your stinking, unworthy, forfeit flesh, and pooling around your feet. When you get there.

The final group is an uncertain lot, which is why I said that at least 72 percent will burn as 28% responded with “I’m certain I’ll be in heaven when I die.” The problem that I have with this statement is the question of avarice. Pride being a sin and all, is this VERY prideful answer enough to damn the remaining 28 percent to the shared fate of unending divine punishment? It’s one of the big seven after all, so it seems like it matters. On one hand, these people seem to be pretty sure that they’ve done everything required of them to be granted access to the big white party in the clouds. But by saying with such certainty that they WILL be in heaven, they kind of shoot themselves in the foot, an ironic punishment that will be revisited upon them for until beyond the end of everything. So really it’s at least 72% and up to a potential 100% of everyone in creation that will rot in the prison of their own making.

Paradise is a tough ticket to be sure, and really, when you think about the boring fucks that might make the grade, you’re better off gnashing your teeth with your idols in the main room, than sitting quietly, hoping you don’t kick over some bearded shy douche’s favorite cloud pile and make him change his mind.