Something miraculous came to me this weekend. It came to me in the way of divine intervention sent straight from the Creator himself as my mind was magically opened to see something that has been inconspicuously floating around our planet for about 40 years. Something that is so awe inspiring that only a worthy clairvoyant hand picked by the hand of the Almighty himself, like myself, could ever completely fathom its true consequence. The veil was lifted for me to see the gift that was given to us +/- 14,600 days ago in the way of an instrumental melody, presented through the medium of a motion picture. And it was bright! So very bright!
The medium in which this life changing information was transported to mine eyes was through a Tarantino flick, Resevoir Dogs. A poignant movie giving many life lessons throughout with several emotions being touched, like a virgin, shall we say? But it’s the very last song in this film that tells us, well me, the simple remedy to all of life’s tribulations, and as the credits rolled, BAMMM!! it was revealed. It’s the song “Coconut” written by Harry Nilsson. The answer has been here all along, well for 40 years anyway, and the answer is “You put the lime in the coconut”. That’s it … simple, natural, organic, and both trees were in the Garden of Eden since the dawn of creation.
So why did it take 1,971 years after the birth of Christ to figure it out? Well it happened by accident like all things created in this world. For instance, bacon. How did someone figure out the beautiful thing known as bacon? Well, somebody had a pig, and that pig was caught in a barn fire, and as that little piggy burned, a smell emerged from that barn that was so sensual to the nose that only one thing could be done. Go get that pig and eat it … bacon.
Accidents, the ugly sister of Mother Necessity, Mother Accident lead to the elixer of the world. You see, Harry Nilsson was having a Hawaiin themed party one night in the early 70’s, he had tikis, coconuts, leis (pronounced Lay’s, like the chip), flower shirts and limes. He cut open a coconut to extract the milk and use the shell as a cup, however as he was getting ready to pour out the milk, one of his drunk friends was throwing limes and it landed in this cocunut shell. The potion began to bubble and fizz and a heavenly voice sounded through the room, “all who drink of the lime and the coconut will be cured”. And they drank. And it cured their belly aches.
During a session of love-seat-lounging yesterday, something dawned on me as I watched the “news” on my thin-black-box-of-tummy-plumping’ness. I realized that a good ol’ “pie in the face” has never lost its charm, AND, the most important realization, was that getting “pied” is the ultimate form of putdownery that you really can inflict on thine enemies.
Lets take a quick look at the history of the “Pie In The Face”. It all started in 1909 in a silent movie called “Mr. Flip”. It is the first known instance of “pieing” as it is sometimes referred to, and is considered “slap stick” comedy. The pie is pushed into the main character’s face after he tries to take liberties with a woman, an voila, “Pie In The Face” is born. There are two known “pieing” techniques, the old fashion push the pie in the face, and the “throw the pie” in the face, both of which are quite acceptable. There has also been a new breed of pie that has been born as well from professional baseball players, and it’s the “shaving cream pie”, which in my mind is just bastardizing the event, but, if you don’t have time to bake, then I guess it will do since it does somewhat resemble a lemon-meringue pie.
Now lets fast forward 102 years to Rupert Murdoch’s court hearing for his phone-hacking scandal. Just yesterday on this two-thousandst-and-evelenth-year of our lawrd CNN, the “Pie In The Face” got national attention when a guy who says he’s a comedian/activist who goes by the Twitter handle @JonnieMarbles decided to “pie” Mr. Murdoch in the face at said hearing. However, his plan did not go as, ummm, planned. As he stepped toward the intended victim, his “pieing” was intercepted by this old man’s younger, hot, Asian wife and the majority of pie was smeared on the “pie’er” as she slapped him silly. In the slap-stick comedy world, we like to call this “awww shit, you just got reverse pied”. Now earlier I mentioned that a “pieing” is the ultimate form of getting “cut down”, but I have to change my view and say that if you get “reverse-pied-in-the-face”, then THAT would be the worst, and you’re just a punk ass bitch now.
So in honor of the age old “Pie In The Face”, I push one in yours and smear it around on top of your head, and yes, that IS custard you’re tasting. And here’s a couple of famous people getting “Pie’d In The Face” … enjoy !!
We found an ADORABLE article today from Glamour Magazine (it’s what we wrap the racin’ forms in so the broad ain’t wise!) about a magical, legally binding chicken dish. You see, 26 years ago, the fashion editor at Glamour passed on this recipe to her assistant, which she herself was given by a whimsical tree spirit who only appears once every fourth blue moon to dispense enchanted home cookin’ blue prints. So the assistant made this cursed chicken for her boyfriend and as a DIRECT RESULT of having prepared the be-fouled be-feast upon her easily swayed “man”, and because of no other possible explanation, only one short month later she was all proposed up. Naturally, as a stipulation of being given this recipe, the bearer must relinquish it to their next most desperate, un-wed sister so that it might sap the will from another unsuspecting male, ensnaring him in the unbreakable bonds of matrimony with the wicked spinster who dares unleash it’s power. And over the 26 years since it’s discovery, this “Engagement Chicken” as it’s cursed name has come to be uttered by the damned men, has been solely responsible for the marriages of 72, chicken duped men.
Numbers like that don’t lie. 72 marriages in 26 years to people who heard about a recipe. That’s clearly “Engagement Strength Chicken”. And while more marriages in this country can probably be linked to first meetings at a biker bar orgy, we would not dare to suggest that this dish is anything but a spinster wish granting miracle. But there are so many other foods that can easily be linked to other interpersonal interactions. So after hunting down the curse gnome, whom as everyone knows, is hidden in the third easternly facing knot of every tree there is, we shook him ’till his truths tumbled out and discovered these equally useful and delicious recipes. Enjoy.
Let’s Just Be Friends Biscuits:
2 cups flour
4 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
3/4 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons shortening
1 cup buttermilk, chilled
Preheat oven to a smoldering bitterness.
In a large mixing bowl, combine flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Using your long history together by this point, rub in some of the more embarrassing facts that you’ve picked up about each other. Make a well in the center of your partner’s soul, make sure you pour in enough “it’s not you, it’s me” and abruptly part company. You can pick up your shit at his place later, right now, you just need to get away for a bit. Maybe go to that cabin in Tahoe for as long as you can without getting fired. How they deal with it is their problem.
Bake until biscuits are tall and light gold on top, 15 to 20 minutes.
1/2 cup teriyaki sauce
1/2 cup honey
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1/2 pinch ground ginger
2 red bell peppers, cut into 2 inch pieces
1 large sweet onion, peeled and cut into wedges
1 1/2 cups whole fresh mushrooms
1 pound beef sirloin, cut into 1 inch cubes
1 1/2 pounds skinless, boneless chicken breast halves – cut into cubes skewers
In a large resealable plastic bag, mix the teriyaki sauce, honey, garlic powder, and ginger. Drop direct, unambiguous hints to your significant other that it might be fun if you tried to spice up the relationship. If they ask if you are trying to suggest a threesome, tell them no, unless they think it might be fun. Seal, and refrigerate 4 to 24 hours.
Preheat grill for medium-high heat. Ask if you heard right that their old college roommate would be in town for a couple weeks and tell them if they need a place to stay, you’re cool with then staying with us.
Discard marinade, tell her if she wants, you can try two dudes first, and if that works, you know, maybe the other thing. Grill skewers for 10 minutes, turning as needed, or until meat is cooked through and vegetables are tender.
Alimony Stuffed Pork Chops:
2 boneless pork loin chops, butterflied
4 ounces crumbled blue cheese
2 slices bacon – cooked and crumbled
2 tablespoons chopped fresh chives
garlic salt to taste
ground black pepper to taste
chopped fresh parsley for garnish
Preheat the oven to that fucking bitch!
In a small bowl, mix together the blue cheese, bacon and I hope she fucking dies! Every fucking month, like, for the rest of my fucking life I’ve got to do this shit. Season each chop with garlic salt and pepper. Keep in mind that the blue cheese will be a fucking cunt, and always cut my god damned one weekend a month short and pretend it was a god damned accident!
I swear to fucking Christ, if I could murder her without anyone ever knowing, the hardest part about it would be deciding how. I know for certain though, that I would jerk off on the corpse, and I would laugh so hard, like a hell clown in a tickle fight!
Garnish with fresh parsley and serve.
I Meant To Tell You I Have Herpes Tea:
2 orange pekoe tea bags
1 cup boiling water
5 ice cubes
4 teaspoons sweetened condensed milk
3 teaspoons honey
Steep the tea bags in hot water. Tell them not to freak out and that you weren’t even sure you actually really had it because you only had that one break out a couple years ago and then another one about a week ago but you thought those were just brought on by stress. Genital stress blisters. You read about it somewhere. Discard the tea bags and let the tea cool.
Combine the ice cubes, sweetened condensed milk, and trying to convince them that it’s alright and that more people have herpes now a days than don’t. If they don’t believe you, sit together in awkward silence for several hours, pour in the tea and mix well, a strong, flavorful milk tea is ready for you to enjoy.