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How Much Would You Pay For An Ass Stabbing? But Wait, There's More!

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The Hemorroid-Be-Gone 2000

Ok seriously China what the fuck is wrong with your peripheral neuropathy? I guess the better question to ask would be “what the fuck is wrong with your cutlery manufacturers”?

A few months ago I wrote about a man in China who was stabbed in the headIn the goddamn’d head people! The blade of the knife broke in his skull and was lodged in zombie-boy’s cranium for four wonderful years. THIS time a 26 year old Chinese lady, Ying Shi, was stabbed in what I’d best describe as the asshole, or the Sphinxbox, or … well here’s a list of possibilities. She was stabbed in a mugging in which the 6″ blade broke off in her ass, was in there for four months before she got herself checked because of severe stomach pains.

Now come on, is this some sort of joke China? Do you have some sort of anti-tourism campaign due to sloppy mugging tactics in place to keep us filthy Americans out of your country? These stories are just too far fetched, and two broken-knife-in-body-stabbings stories where blade in oriface go unnoticed are just too unbelieveable. I’ve seen the “picture” you’ve supplied as “evidence”, and I’d have to say it would be best described as “The World’s Worst Anal Porn DVD Cover Ever!”.

Perhaps this is some sort of misdirected jealousy against our Ginsu Knives of the late 70’s/early 80’s? It makes total sense. We steal the extremely Chinese’y sounding name, we brand it with Asian’esque lettering and then the final slap in the face, we use your Ming Dynasty aura to sell millions of them. So now you’re trying to duplicate the miracle blade, but your R&D budget is so non-existent that the only real way to test the strength and sharpness of your Made-In-China version is to go around stabbing people to see if the blade is up to spec, but the damn handle keeps breaking so back to the drawing board.

So I guess you’ll just have to make your own decision as to what’s the truth for this Chinese knife implant epidemic. Either she was actually mugged or she came up with the best ever solution for keeping one’s boyfriend from begging to Plow The Back Field.

How Much Would You Pay For An Ass Stabbing? But Wait, There’s More!

Posted on Updated on

The Hemorroid-Be-Gone 2000

Ok seriously China what the fuck is wrong with your peripheral neuropathy? I guess the better question to ask would be “what the fuck is wrong with your cutlery manufacturers”?

A few months ago I wrote about a man in China who was stabbed in the headIn the goddamn’d head people! The blade of the knife broke in his skull and was lodged in zombie-boy’s cranium for four wonderful years. THIS time a 26 year old Chinese lady, Ying Shi, was stabbed in what I’d best describe as the asshole, or the Sphinxbox, or … well here’s a list of possibilities. She was stabbed in a mugging in which the 6″ blade broke off in her ass, was in there for four months before she got herself checked because of severe stomach pains.

Now come on, is this some sort of joke China? Do you have some sort of anti-tourism campaign due to sloppy mugging tactics in place to keep us filthy Americans out of your country? These stories are just too far fetched, and two broken-knife-in-body-stabbings stories where blade in oriface go unnoticed are just too unbelieveable. I’ve seen the “picture” you’ve supplied as “evidence”, and I’d have to say it would be best described as “The World’s Worst Anal Porn DVD Cover Ever!”.

Perhaps this is some sort of misdirected jealousy against our Ginsu Knives of the late 70’s/early 80’s? It makes total sense. We steal the extremely Chinese’y sounding name, we brand it with Asian’esque lettering and then the final slap in the face, we use your Ming Dynasty aura to sell millions of them. So now you’re trying to duplicate the miracle blade, but your R&D budget is so non-existent that the only real way to test the strength and sharpness of your Made-In-China version is to go around stabbing people to see if the blade is up to spec, but the damn handle keeps breaking so back to the drawing board.

So I guess you’ll just have to make your own decision as to what’s the truth for this Chinese knife implant epidemic. Either she was actually mugged or she came up with the best ever solution for keeping one’s boyfriend from begging to Plow The Back Field.

Heinz Tomato Ketchup : It's Monkey Shit Bitch!!

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What is this material “glass” of which you speak?

H.J. Heinz, the makers of America’s most beloved ketchup, Heinz Tomato Ketchup (not Catsup), has officially announced that they will be selling the “glass bottle” ketchup in select stores this summer. They said that they “want to bring some nostalgia to the summer barbecue season.”
I know personally that I cannot wait to get ahold of some of these bottles. To sit around on the back porch with some lemonade and reminisce about summers of old, when waiting patiently for ketchup to slowly plop out of the bottle was just part of life, and boy did we love waiting. I believe it will be a welcome contrast to those quick and easy no drip no mess bottles of the present where ketchup is just instantly available while your food is still hot. Man, what sort of fast food society have we become? Are we in such a hurry that we can’t wait 6-8 minutes for ketchup? Apparently we want our ketchup and we WANT IT NOW! Don’t you remember the fun we used to have shaking the bottle? Hitting the bottom of it with the palms of our hands? Shoving a butter knife in the bottle to lovingly help it out? God those days were amazing.
So, I needed to know if I was the only one who had this feeling about the good ‘ol days of ketchup, so I decided to ask a paint huffer I see everyday downtown while I wait for the train. Here’s what he had to say:

I’m a Golden Warrior! Where’s the closest Ace Hardware?

Me: Have you heard about Heinz Tomato Ketchup being sold in the old school glass bottles again?
Huffer: Hey man weren’t you here yesterday or something?
Me: Yes, I’m here most weekdays, and so are you.
Huffer: I am? Wait! What is this? I didn’t do shit man!! Are you trying to steal my magical golden paper bag?
Me: No, no. I just want to know what you think about the ketchup being sold in bottles again.
Huffer: Man, listen to me and listen closely. (Whispers) I know what they do to ketchup, I was there man! I used to work in a factory where they had monkeys, TONS of monkeys … and they’d just run around the joint and eat tomatoes all day, it was soooooooooo weird man, they would just eat them all crazy like, like fuckin’ zombies, and tomato guts were just everywhere, dripping down their chins, all in their fur, and they’d jump up and down and scream this horrible horrible scream, just like mommy used to do when she and her weekly manfriend would come home from the bar and they’d play “naked couch” and mommy would turn into a horse, but the details of that aren’t clear since I was only 5, but yeah man … those goddamn monkeys, and those fucking tomatoes and then after they ate so much, to the point of almost bursting, they’d all get on this cartoon-like conveyer belt and … IT’S MONKEY SHIT!! THAT GODDAMN KETCHUP IS MONKEY SHIT BITCH!! … Whoa man … sorry, I need to look inside my magic golden paperbag for a second.
Me: You know what? You better let me have a look inside that bag too, because that’s the kind of ketchup story I want to tell my grandkids.

Heinz Tomato Ketchup : It’s Monkey Shit Bitch!!

Posted on

What is this material "glass" of which you speak?

H.J. Heinz, the makers of America’s most beloved ketchup, Heinz Tomato Ketchup (not Catsup), has officially announced that they will be selling the “glass bottle” ketchup in select stores this summer. They said that they “want to bring some nostalgia to the summer barbecue season.”
I know personally that I cannot wait to get ahold of some of these bottles. To sit around on the back porch with some lemonade and reminisce about summers of old, when waiting patiently for ketchup to slowly plop out of the bottle was just part of life, and boy did we love waiting. I believe it will be a welcome contrast to those quick and easy no drip no mess bottles of the present where ketchup is just instantly available while your food is still hot. Man, what sort of fast food society have we become? Are we in such a hurry that we can’t wait 6-8 minutes for ketchup? Apparently we want our ketchup and we WANT IT NOW! Don’t you remember the fun we used to have shaking the bottle? Hitting the bottom of it with the palms of our hands? Shoving a butter knife in the bottle to lovingly help it out? God those days were amazing.
So, I needed to know if I was the only one who had this feeling about the good ‘ol days of ketchup, so I decided to ask a paint huffer I see everyday downtown while I wait for the train. Here’s what he had to say:

I'm a Golden Warrior! Where's the closest Ace Hardware?

Me: Have you heard about Heinz Tomato Ketchup being sold in the old school glass bottles again?
Huffer: Hey man weren’t you here yesterday or something?
Me: Yes, I’m here most weekdays, and so are you.
Huffer: I am? Wait! What is this? I didn’t do shit man!! Are you trying to steal my magical golden paper bag?
Me: No, no. I just want to know what you think about the ketchup being sold in bottles again.
Huffer: Man, listen to me and listen closely. (Whispers) I know what they do to ketchup, I was there man! I used to work in a factory where they had monkeys, TONS of monkeys … and they’d just run around the joint and eat tomatoes all day, it was soooooooooo weird man, they would just eat them all crazy like, like fuckin’ zombies, and tomato guts were just everywhere, dripping down their chins, all in their fur, and they’d jump up and down and scream this horrible horrible scream, just like mommy used to do when she and her weekly manfriend would come home from the bar and they’d play “naked couch” and mommy would turn into a horse, but the details of that aren’t clear since I was only 5, but yeah man … those goddamn monkeys, and those fucking tomatoes and then after they ate so much, to the point of almost bursting, they’d all get on this cartoon-like conveyer belt and … IT’S MONKEY SHIT!! THAT GODDAMN KETCHUP IS MONKEY SHIT BITCH!! … Whoa man … sorry, I need to look inside my magic golden paperbag for a second.
Me: You know what? You better let me have a look inside that bag too, because that’s the kind of ketchup story I want to tell my grandkids.

When Beds Attack

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Are they dead? Or did their Sleep Number Bed save their lives?

If we are to believe everything we see on our Le Tube d’Boob these days, then we are supposed to now be scared shitless that the beds we sleep in are slowly trying to kill us and/or end your marraige, not particularly in that order, and not that either is a bad thing for most people, but let’s continue.

It’s not a quick, overnight, magical killing, no, it’s a long, slow, torturous, water dripping on forehead kind of insanity, not to be CONFUSED with marraige, but the one that could possibly end it. Because our beds are so horrifically uncomfortable and in most cases filled with quicksand, jagged boulders, and the moaning spirits of insomniacs from Xmas past, there is no way that a good night’s sleep will ever be in any of our immediate futures. First the insomnia kicks in, then your back goes, tossing and turning creates the need for your partner to sleep in a different bed, then the snoring, which then escalates into sleeping in seperate rooms, the arguing the bickering and the the complete decomposition of any sort of “makin’ whoopie”. And in that, the obvious demographic targeted for such an utter waste of money has been selected. Let the credit card annihilation begin.

Now that was some convincing theatre. Doesn’t that make you wanna run out and drop $4k on a miracle bed? It sure does for me. But you know who that commercial didn’t fool? The late Osama Bin Laden. That’s right folks, this man knew a thing or four about slumber comfort. He had his sleep number down pat. He is the one sole person that completely debunks any claims that Sleep Number Beds make. Osama spent the last 10 years frolicking in the desserts, hiding out from one cave to the next, then moved up to shacks, and ended up in a million dollar fortress, but did he have a Sleep Number Bed? NO! Could he afford one? Yes! Now granted he didn’t have electricity to run the damn thing, but that’s a moot point. If anyone needed this cushion cloud to sleep on, I’d bet my beat-up futon mattress that it would be Osama, but he didn’t. He didn’t have back pain, his love life didn’t digress, in fact this sleep discomfort avoider had approximately four wives with up to twenty-five offspring with them. There was no mattress getting in his libido’s way, no sir! And up until the very bitter end, his wife, who slept with him on their cardboard mattress defended him to the death, no snoring or tossing and turning was going to “force” her to sleep in another room.

Bin Laden's Sleep Number: Rock2 - His Wife's: Pebble7

Maybe we overprivileged Americans should go spend a week in the forest, sleep on the ground, cook over a fire, bathe in a lake and realize how fucking good we actually have it, and when we return to our “regular” murderous bed, we should give it a big hug and give Sleep Number the finger.

The White, Ambiguously Non-Racist, iPhone 4 Announced

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God, I even SMELL like a Nazi

The multi-billionaire, close to owning the world, old, white, arrogant, eat at the finest restaurants every night, cigar smoking men at Apple have just completely outdone themselves today. They just announced that at the end of this month they will be releasing a white iPhone 4. Just when you thought things couldn’t get any more controversial with this company, they just blatantly yell to the world … “Hey, we’re racist, now suck our iPad!” A WHITE iPHONE! Might as well call it the Aryan race iPhone while you’re at it. The nerve! White! Have you ever seen a white apple? NO! Didn’t think so, they’re red, yellow and green. Although green kinda detracts from my rant/argument, I’m going to leave it in there because I’m sure aliens are green and they would be offended too, but I digress.

You would think that making millions upon billions upon kajillions of dollars year after year you could at least have the smallest ‘politically correct’ bone in your old honky bodies. You would think that coming from men who are slathered in embalming fluid every night with peacock feathers by hot Ukranian mail order brides would have the decency to realize that the rest of the world doesn’t have it quite as good as they do and would think, “hey, maybe we should end this whole race issue”. But do you think they can? No! They just can’t help themselves, they have to keep the white man strong, and on top, and in the lead.

I make so much money that I look like Christian Bale, right ladies?

Well to that all I can say is bullshit! This is a public boycott against Apple and their segregationistic ways! A boycott against their pretty, shiny, white, meatloaf eating products! We must rise up, we must unite against this ivory tower of technology and bigotry. We can no longer stand in lines for two days prior to a release of the “manna” that Steve Jobs and his Apple cronies deem worthy to bestow upon their brainwashed minions. The madness must end, and it must end today!!

A message from the CEO of Van Full of Candy: Good morning everyone. We would like to reiterate that the opinions expressed here are the views of the writer, specifically in this case Jason, and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of Van Full of Candy and their kind and extremely generous corporate sponsors. Upon finding out that Apple did indeed make a black iPhone, Jason immediately passed out and hit his head rather hard against the wooden floor. As he was being loaded into the ambulance he was mumbling something about stand strong for the brown, yellow and red iPhones that have yet to be made by the racist assholes otherwise known as Apple, Inc.

Thank you.

Can't we all just get the F along?

That's Some Crazy Cheddar Yo

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Somebody please get me off this money or at least toss me a Xanax

Ahhhh yes, the $2 bill. America’s most embarrassing piece of currency, its red-headed stepchild, its third nipple, its annoying aunt who overstays her welcome, its Milli Vanilli, its … ok I think you get it. The government was so embarrassed by its “sticks out like a sore thumb” appearance that they decided to get rid of it in 1966, but just like that hemorrhoid that you think has finally crawled back up, it was back ten years later with one hard gas letting cough.

It’s got to be the stupidest piece of money paper ever. Not just in America, but everywhere in the world. Nobody wants that damn thing, Christ, look at Jefferson’s face, it says “Are you fuckin’ kidding me? You’re putting me on this bullshit? I WROTE THE GODDAMN DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE!” Sorry Thomas, I feel for you, but hey, at least they felt bad enough for the practical joke they pulled and put you on the nickel too. I guess the other presidents were just better.

I know that whenever I get a $2 bill from some gas station or check-cashing “store”, I get pissed. I don’t want that crap, my other money hates it, I can’t spend it, nobody will take it, so I just end up throwing the damn thing away. And how are you going to look “making it rain” up in the strip club with $2 bills? Everybody will know that you watch Masterpiece Theatre, NOVA and Antiques Roadshow, they’ll know that you were in high school marching band, and you like to squat over a floor-fan after getting out of the shower to get all your crevices dried out properly. Ok, maybe not the last thing, but it gives a good visual, and it really works well too, trust me.

Now where was I? Ahhhh yes! The idiocy that is the $2 bill. Have you ever heard a rapper brag about his Jefferson’s? NO! Not only will it NOT go away, but now it’s being offered in a full color version. Huh? And, if you buy one, you get one free. Doest mine ears deceive me? Free money you say? That’s how bad it is, they’ll give you two for one just to get rid of the shit. Here, take this money away, we hate it, it’s free, PLEASE TAKE IT!! But NO I say! I will not take it! It’s ugly, it’s awkward in public and it chews with its mouth open. So keep your practical joke money, I don’t care what you do with it, just keep that bullshit out of my wallet. Burn in Hell $2 bill.