Porn

Not Surprisingly, "Ivy League Feminist Porn" is Pretty Much Exactly What You’d Expect

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What would immediately come to your mind if I were to say the words “Columbia University Porno”? Something even resembling sexy, interesting or comprehensible? Sure. Now what if I add “feminist” to that thought equation? Well, prepare your boners for some angry confusion.

​Originally posted on Your Daily Media

“Feminist Porn”. Initially that sounds like a contradiction in terms, and it turns out, it is.

Here, the patriarchal prison of “books” are openly mocked by their raw, muted sexuality.

But if you enjoy the pretentious, self-important writhing of be-monied topless ladies with nothing better to do than smear eggs on the ground and drizzle chocolate sauce on each other to the chanting tune of, I’ll assume some sort of anthem of feminist oppression that even my SoundHound app told me to fuck off and not waste it’s time with; then brother, warn your pants, ‘cause a Boner-cano is on its way!

In this scene, the riding of a classmate symbolizes… female struggles and… ride sharing?

The original article I found this in termed this a “porno” which is a gross misuse of the word. At worst this is a student film, made with mommy and daddy’s money in an effort to tell them how much they hate them and their money.

These strong female fighters for equality chose to film their anti-porn in the Columbia University library as it represented “sexism at the school” because “only male authors’ names are on the building” and that the “film” was a “statement” exploring “the rituals of American Ivy League secret societies, to the point of hysteria.” Which I believe roughly translates to “We weren’t allowed in any of the school’s secret societies.”

And this scene clearly represents, oh who cares.

You can check out this celebration of fisheye lenses and white panties in ”Initiatiøn”, but keep in mind that it is TECHNICALLY not safe for work. I use “technically” because, aside from a few naked breasts, it’s mostly NSFW because your co-workers might question what you understand as pornography.

​via: Your Daily Media

We Want BORING Porn !!!

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Porn. It’s naughty, it’s fun, it’s my best friend on a late, lonely Wednesday night whilst sadly looking through yearbooks of all the friends I never had and all the empty pages without signatures and cool sayings like “Stay Cool this Summer”. Play, pause, fast forward, oh wait, yeah, just like that, pause, on your FACE! You like that don’t you ??!!

Porn. My real pretend friends who never let me down and are there when I need them. Men and women of all ethnicities and statures, making me feel like I’m part of their hot threesomes, nun exploitation, and lesbian trists in a locker room, while at the same time making me feel small and stamina-deprived, but they don’t judge.

Oh whoops! You caught me ... confessing.
Porn. No rules, do who you want, how you want, when you want, where you want. Midgets, horses, bound in leather, wearing costumes, on your back, in your back, bare back, shack a lack. Except for now … there is a rule, a NEW rule.

Condoms. Necessary. MANDATORY !!

Here’s all the verby verbage … The “Safer Sex In The Adult Film Industry Act” would require “any person or entity directly engaged in the creation of adult films who is issued a permit” to “maintain engineering and work practice controls, including the provision of and required use of condoms, sufficient to protect employees from exposure to blood or other potentially infectious materials consistent with state law.” This was laid out by the city council of Los Angeles City stating that all that above nonsense has to be done if filming within the city. Whatever the fuck that means. And where do I get a permit? I’d like a permit.

Can't I just fucking SUE someone ??!!
It’s quite apparent that these “people” who “voted” and made this into a law have never seen porn where the dude is wearing a condom. It’s horrible! How much feeling do you think he’s really experiencing? None. And what if the receiver has a latex allergy? HMMMMM? Think how depressed these actors are going to become. Where is the fun in waking up, heading to work and knowing you’re gonna have boring old condom sex? Nowhere, that’s where. That’s like asking a Starbuck’s employee to come to work but not being able to drink any of the coffee, asking a dentist to show up to put in a cavity but not getting to use a drill, or worse, taking away a lawyers ability to sue !!

Come on LA, give the porner’s a break. Let them hump away the way they were meant to, naked and slippery. Nobody wants to see a lite green sheathed pecker goin’ in and out of anything, it’s just wrong. What’s next? You gonna pass a law mandating that porn stars get married before they film?

We’re Having a Bake Sale for Our Very Own XXX Website

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We'd really like to know if you have some pie !!

It’s happened !! It’s FINALLY happened !!! The powers that be who hold dominion over the interwebby names have allowed websites, such as ourselves, to become .XXX websites. How indecently awesome is that ?? Think about it, we wouldn’t be just a run of the mill boring old .COM website anymore, we could be really hot, 9″, go all night, bonafide porn guys in a van … WWW.VANFULLOFCANDY.XXX … Yeah, that has a great ring to it, doesn’t it ??

Make us into PORN !!

Now, when I say “bakesale”, I actually mean, we’re begging for donations to get our porn domain up. Heh, I said “up”. See, to register for a XXX domain, you have to come up with $80 to do so, and well, with all the candy we just bought and gas prices being what they are to fill the van up, we’re just a little short on the scratch to go full blown viagra on ya’lls ass. But quite honestly, begging is something we here at Van Full of Candy don’t really like doing … so … to sweetin’ the donation deal, here’s what we’ll do. For everybody who makes a donation to our pornsite domain bakesale, we’ll make a quick video for you … we’ll include your name and you can give us the idea of what you want to see, and we’ll do it. All it takes is $1.00 !! So if 80 of our loyal fans each donate $1.00, looks like we’ll be busy making 85 gawddamn videos. So how about make our lives easier and donate $20. Thanks !!

We're Having a Bake Sale for Our Very Own XXX Website

Posted on

We'd really like to know if you have some pie !!

It’s happened !! It’s FINALLY happened !!! The powers that be who hold dominion over the interwebby names have allowed websites, such as ourselves, to become .XXX websites. How indecently awesome is that ?? Think about it, we wouldn’t be just a run of the mill boring old .COM website anymore, we could be really hot, 9″, go all night, bonafide porn guys in a van … WWW.VANFULLOFCANDY.XXX … Yeah, that has a great ring to it, doesn’t it ??

Make us into PORN !!

Now, when I say “bakesale”, I actually mean, we’re begging for donations to get our porn domain up. Heh, I said “up”. See, to register for a XXX domain, you have to come up with $80 to do so, and well, with all the candy we just bought and gas prices being what they are to fill the van up, we’re just a little short on the scratch to go full blown viagra on ya’lls ass. But quite honestly, begging is something we here at Van Full of Candy don’t really like doing … so … to sweetin’ the donation deal, here’s what we’ll do. For everybody who makes a donation to our pornsite domain bakesale, we’ll make a quick video for you … we’ll include your name and you can give us the idea of what you want to see, and we’ll do it. All it takes is $1.00 !! So if 80 of our loyal fans each donate $1.00, looks like we’ll be busy making 85 gawddamn videos. So how about make our lives easier and donate $20. Thanks !!

World’s Slowest Yet Most Expensive Female Pleaser

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One for every outfit and occasion

Women like it slow, but if this is the kind of slow that they mean, then I’m gonna go grab a sandwich and I’ll be back when you’re good and worked up, in say, oh … two hours. The porn industry is a multi-ka-trillbion dollar industry. It’s everywhere you look and everywhere you don’t want it to be when you’re looking at it at work and cant get the fuckin’ window to close fast enough when someone walks up behind you at your desk … CLICK CLICK CLICK FUCKING CLOSE GODDAMMIT … hey, oh that, that was just … cute kittehs, so what can I help you with?

At Van Full of Candy Research Labs, we spend a LOT of our R&D funds on finding the next best plastic love toy that makes you feel not alone while being, well, totally alone … night after night after lubed up melon-sex night. And melons aren’t cheap these days, you know with global warming and crops dying and all that, so … anyway, I lost track of … oh yeah … sad masturbation gimmicks. We spend 70% of our budget on these devices so we can personally test them, make sure they’re up to snuff and then let you, our loyal fans, which items should be on your naughty Xmas list.

Not too long ago, Jesse did a great article on, which I’d like to call “My Favorite Friend Thusfar”, a wonderful little toy called handjob bot that took China by storm, not to mention my millions of children. But we have now uncovered a new playmate for women who like to be teased and foreplay’d for a while, and for people who have a pension for Gumby. We have a couple of volunteers right now testing the device as we speak, but since it’s still 6″ away from touching them, well, we’ll probably need to report our findings next month.

Without further ado, Van Full of Candy presents … X Marks the Spot

World's Slowest Yet Most Expensive Female Pleaser

Posted on

One for every outfit and occasion

Women like it slow, but if this is the kind of slow that they mean, then I’m gonna go grab a sandwich and I’ll be back when you’re good and worked up, in say, oh … two hours. The porn industry is a multi-ka-trillbion dollar industry. It’s everywhere you look and everywhere you don’t want it to be when you’re looking at it at work and cant get the fuckin’ window to close fast enough when someone walks up behind you at your desk … CLICK CLICK CLICK FUCKING CLOSE GODDAMMIT … hey, oh that, that was just … cute kittehs, so what can I help you with?

At Van Full of Candy Research Labs, we spend a LOT of our R&D funds on finding the next best plastic love toy that makes you feel not alone while being, well, totally alone … night after night after lubed up melon-sex night. And melons aren’t cheap these days, you know with global warming and crops dying and all that, so … anyway, I lost track of … oh yeah … sad masturbation gimmicks. We spend 70% of our budget on these devices so we can personally test them, make sure they’re up to snuff and then let you, our loyal fans, which items should be on your naughty Xmas list.

Not too long ago, Jesse did a great article on, which I’d like to call “My Favorite Friend Thusfar”, a wonderful little toy called handjob bot that took China by storm, not to mention my millions of children. But we have now uncovered a new playmate for women who like to be teased and foreplay’d for a while, and for people who have a pension for Gumby. We have a couple of volunteers right now testing the device as we speak, but since it’s still 6″ away from touching them, well, we’ll probably need to report our findings next month.

Without further ado, Van Full of Candy presents … X Marks the Spot

Van Full of Candy’s Celebrity Sex Tape Auditions

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Pamela likes our van candy ... so should you !!

First it was Pamela & Tommy, then Paris, and then that one Kardashian chick. Rock stars, television stars, and others who ride the coattails of their father and become reality TV stars. Two glaring things stick out like a sore thumb … that I’m assuming have been smashed by a hammer, because how else would a thumb be sore? Well, there’s always the explanation that you were sitting around with your thumb up your ass and you were startled when somebody actually asked you to do something, and you moved too fast and broke your thumb causing it to stick out like a sore thumb. So there’s two idioms for you to enjoy for the price of one. You’re welcome. Now, speaking of things in one’s ass, lets get back to the main gist of this talk, Sex Tapes, and the two things that stick out like … god I hate repeating myself !!

#1. Not one of the stars of any of the celebrity sex tapes are comedic blog writers/sketch comedy performers … and …

#2. All of the aforementioned “accidental” porn stars have only BENEFITED their careers from having their sex taped “accidentally” leaked … so …

In an effort to level the playing field and get this celebrity porn industry into other aspects of the entertainment world, Van Full of Candy does hereby declare that we will be holding auditions for hot starlet types who are looking to take their career to a whole new level, which level that might be is still yet to be determined but please know it will be a WHOLE NEW ONE !!

We have the perfect props and the perfect premise. We have the piece de resistance first of all … a goddamn van full of candy, and then the story line just writes itself, not that there’ll be much story if you know what I’m sayin’. So … if you’d like to be one of the lucky chosen ones to star in our celebrity sex tape, then you’ll need to leave us a comment on this blog letting us know how to get in touch with you so we can meet in person and … well … rehearse a little. That’s just part of the process, the dirty, metal smelling, why is this gas can next to me tedious process. Now don’t get discouraged if you don’t make it … we will have literally thousands of applicants and it takes a long long LONG time to “interview” each and every one of you, but please know … we won’t NOT interview a single one of you soon to be starlets. And remember, first come … first served.