Overprivileged

Not Surprisingly, "Ivy League Feminist Porn" is Pretty Much Exactly What You’d Expect

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What would immediately come to your mind if I were to say the words “Columbia University Porno”? Something even resembling sexy, interesting or comprehensible? Sure. Now what if I add “feminist” to that thought equation? Well, prepare your boners for some angry confusion.

​Originally posted on Your Daily Media

“Feminist Porn”. Initially that sounds like a contradiction in terms, and it turns out, it is.

Here, the patriarchal prison of “books” are openly mocked by their raw, muted sexuality.

But if you enjoy the pretentious, self-important writhing of be-monied topless ladies with nothing better to do than smear eggs on the ground and drizzle chocolate sauce on each other to the chanting tune of, I’ll assume some sort of anthem of feminist oppression that even my SoundHound app told me to fuck off and not waste it’s time with; then brother, warn your pants, ‘cause a Boner-cano is on its way!

In this scene, the riding of a classmate symbolizes… female struggles and… ride sharing?

The original article I found this in termed this a “porno” which is a gross misuse of the word. At worst this is a student film, made with mommy and daddy’s money in an effort to tell them how much they hate them and their money.

These strong female fighters for equality chose to film their anti-porn in the Columbia University library as it represented “sexism at the school” because “only male authors’ names are on the building” and that the “film” was a “statement” exploring “the rituals of American Ivy League secret societies, to the point of hysteria.” Which I believe roughly translates to “We weren’t allowed in any of the school’s secret societies.”

And this scene clearly represents, oh who cares.

You can check out this celebration of fisheye lenses and white panties in ”Initiatiøn”, but keep in mind that it is TECHNICALLY not safe for work. I use “technically” because, aside from a few naked breasts, it’s mostly NSFW because your co-workers might question what you understand as pornography.

​via: Your Daily Media

Catching Up With Unfinished Van Tangents: Parte the First

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It’s been a crazy couple months for Van Full of Candy as you may or may not have noticed. Both members are now freshly moved from their previous addresses, having relocated a total of nearly 400 miles. We’re both on the tale end of transitioning from a bullshit existence, to a slightly different bullshit existence. But the point of this is change, moving forward, letting go of the past and scarring the future with our poison infused projectile bile and razor sharp laser tipped talons… Metaphorically.

Since starting this business almost a year and a half ago we’ve posted nearly 300 articles. Over that time often I’ve started an article, found a story that I wanted to explore, but for one reason or another abandoned, fully meaning to go back to it and revisit it, but never getting around to it. So in the spirit of burying the past in a shallow, road side grave and moving onto the quivering future, frightened of the legend of our power which precedes us, I have decided to dig up all of my half finished thoughts and unrealized articles, spill them all out here and start fresh moving forward. So, let’s do that then, I suppose, since I just said I would…

I even still have a mock up of the letter head... Lazy ass...
I even still have a mock up of the letter head… Lazy ass…

My first abandoned post from 4/12/11 is simply titled “UFOs”. Most of my draft articles are untitled, sort of making this one special. What also makes this one special is that aside from the title, there is nothing else in the post. There’s usually a link reminding me what I wanted to talk about for when I DO get back to it. In this case, I apparently thought I would have no problem remembering what random UFO topic I was so excited about two Aprils ago. But as often as I write about space and the people that live there wanting to kill us, that seems irresponsible of me. I believe it had something to do with the anniversary of Roswell, and I was going to do a mock up of the newly released documents celebrating said anniversary… I think. Needless to say, it would have been hilarious… Delete.

Next, last edited August 4th 2011: “A Generation Waiting For Dad to Come Home”. I remember this one. I was very angry with you for some reason. Probably not YOU specifically, but the royal “you”. Including me apparently. This rant went a little something like this:

“I don’t mean any of this personally, I’m not here to point out anything that I don’t also know applies as much, if not more so, to myself. I’m part of the generation waiting for dad to come home. I’m the poster boy for a decade or two of men and women who are now in their quarter to mid life and are still drifting, waiting, praying, screaming for someone to tell them what to do, where to go, how to be, when to act and when to just shut the fuck up and go away. We are not the most irresponsible generation. We are the product of the most irresponsible generation. And we’re making the next one. And if that doesn’t scare the shit out of you, I’m not surprised.”

Now, I’m not sure what you did to upset me so much, but I was clearly unhappy about something. The next piece gives me a little more insight on the source of my rage though:

“Maybe it’s where I grew up, maybe it’s where I am now. Maybe I’m just seeing a concentrated sample of something that isn’t nearly as prevalent as I fear it is. I doubt it. I know this doesn’t apply to everyone in this demographic, but it applies to the great many of us that I’ve observed. I look around me and I see a sea of dudes and bros, chicks and babes and people who have never really known want or hardship, yet know a boundless sense of self importance and entitlement. A great many of you are reading this right now on a box of magic that fits comfortably in the palm of your hand. Technology that our very recent ancestors could never have dreamed of. But it’s not enough for us. For some reason, we’ve been handed everything that the greatest thinkers of all of human creation could ever be laughed at for imagining, and it’s not good enough, we somehow feel entitled to more, without having earned even a fraction of what we have already.”

What passes for esteem in the "Generation Waiting For Dad to Come Home"
What passes for esteem in the “Generation Waiting For Dad to Come Home”

This seems to be pretty clearly influenced by my level of hatred for, but not limited to, the hollow, empty, entitled, worthless denizens of Hollywood California USA. One of the reasons I’ve found myself back in Sacramento now is my fear that if I were to remain in Hollywood for much longer I would simply implode in a brilliant flash of purple light, opening a tear in space time which would almost instantaneously swallow the whole of the universe. And while I wouldn’t normally have a problem with that, saying it out loud just makes it sound selfish.

“We are a developmentally stunted narcissistic gaggle of preening assholes.”

I do believe this about the generations adjacent me. I say adjacent, as in my research, I’ve found that I somehow fall in a gap between Gen X and Gen Y, an empty sliver of time that classification seems to have forgot. I guess that’s what makes it easy for me to lob hate grenades as willy nilly as I do, looking in from the outside at all the stupidity while probably deep down inside just wishing I could belong to anything, no matter how stupid…

“And the problem with a vacuum of power and leadership, is how easily those without direction are steered and controlled.”

And here it looks like I was about to get into the political implications of a Generation Waiting For Dad to Come Home. The need for a father figure leading us to blind, lazy destruction at the hands of anyone who will scare us enough to get us to follow them. Oh, what a glorious, indignant, pointless rant on the lazy ineptitude of me and my peers it would have been… I’m glad I didn’t do more, I’m depressed just reading what I have here… Deleted.

And finally, for part 1:

“It takes a special man to wear a mustache, a brave man.”

This piece from September 22, 2011, was apparently going to be some sort of backhanded tribute to the American Mustache Institute’s “Robert Goulet Award”, which celebrates great achievements in mustachery and mustachioed Americans. My guess is that seemed to be too much of a one note joke for me to do an article on, which is probably why just 5 weeks later we embarked on Movember: an entire month dedicated to the celebration of the face shrub… Makes sense.

So, as this has gone longer than I expected, I will have to pick this up again later, continuing to do some spring cleaning here at VFoC as we return to the grind that IS online humorism. Hope you all find your way back here, we’ve got some fun things on the horizon.

4 Foot Vajayjay On Marilyn Monroe Sculpture (Porno Edition)

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All I need is a ladder and I can get my carkeys.

So this weekend was big for the former actress known as Marilyn Monroe. Not only did the classy city of Chicago erect a 27 foot “upskirt” statue of Marilyn in her “Seven Year Itch” pose, a six minute pornographic film shot in 1946 or 1947 has surfaced with Marilyn Monroe in it. Now this is quite a bit of smut to take in so fast, all at once, but let’s just take a deep breath and gaze it over shall we?

Lets start with the statue. A voyeur’s wet dream come true, out in the wide open public with panties on full display. Where one could just lie down underneath Marilyn’s cooch and go at it until it fell off. I would think that any teenage boy going through puberty couldn’t get within two blocks of it without their divining rod going apeshit. I’d be curious to know the percentage increase in public indecency tickets and/or how many children are conceived during July 2011 in Chicago.

Are you hungry for a bedtime snack?

Now let’s focus on the good stuff, porn. As if a 3 story RealDoll wasn’t enough for one blog post. So apparently when Marilyn Monroe wasn’t Marilyn Monroe, and she was still Norma Jean Mortenson, she made a little 6 minute naughty-naughty movie. The lucky dude who has the original 8mm tape is getting ready to sell it at auction, and the estimate will be over $1 million. Man, for just 6 minutes of silent black and white film? A million bucks?!? Do you not realize how much poon you can get for that, not to mention lap dances and HD full color erotica? But I suppose if you have a mill to drop on 6 mins of unconfirmed Monroe porn, then you probably have a budget setup for the other stuff too.

So thank you Marilyn, or Norma Jean or whatever your porn name was back in the 40’s, thank you for continued legacy of men getting off on your image. And now to quote the great Elton John song about you …

Goodbye Norma Jean
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to hold yourself
While those around you crawled
They crawled out of the woodwork
And they whispered into your brain
They set you on the treadmill
And they made you change your name

Sounds like a porno to me … good luck bidders !!

I’m A Rocket Man !!

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Early Jetpack Prototype : "Assburner 3000" - Could launch you 11 ft. in the air for approximately 6 seconds

Holy freakin’ Buck Rogers In The 25th Century, our Jetpacks have finally been made and are available for order right now!! Do you know how long I’ve been waiting to fly like Superman? Well, not EXACTLY like Superman because he didn’t have to strap on a 535 lb. Honda Civic engine the size of a refrigerator to his back that only goes 63mph, but still, it’s pretty much exactly the same! A human flying through the air for 30 minutes, 5,000 feet in the air?!? I totally just piddled myself like an overly excited dog. Besides the ability to be invisible, this has got to be the best thing ever, only because this is actually happening and, well, invisibility has yet to happen, except, if someone has the ability to turn invisible we’d never know because we couldn’t see them, and seriously, if you COULD become invisibile would you EVER tell anyone? Hells no!! Exactly! So … this is the best thing for right now.

As if white people we didn’t need another way to tragically kill ourselves, such as jumping out of planes, jumping off bridges with a springy cord tied around our waists, climbing tall, jagged rocks with a little purse of white chalk, riding boards with sharks, and even driving to work, we had to invent a way to play chicken with airplanes. Now don’t get me wrong, I know I was hella excited about a paragraph ago to soar with the birds, but when it comes down to it, I’d be scared shitless. Sure, there’s a parachute that will “save your life” by slowing you down to 15 mph when you smash the ground, but just think of all the other bullshit flying around up there with you. Helicoptors just waiting to chop your head off, killer swarms of geese waiting to pounce, another rookie Jetpacker, JetBlue flight #225, that random skydiver … oh yeah, and let’s not even mention if that flying backpack of death gets squirrley, you lose complete control and start a new career in skywriting curse words, or worse … that damn thing runs out of gas at 5,000 ft. Oh yeah … did I mention it only costs $100,000?

No thank you science! You can just take your steampunk hubu-jubu flying contraption and stick it straight up your stank-box ingenious aeronautical asses and see how far in the air THAT gets ya.

Free autographed Rocket Man record with every purchase of a Martin Jetpack

I'm A Rocket Man !!

Posted on

Early Jetpack Prototype : "Assburner 3000" - Could launch you 11 ft. in the air for approximately 6 seconds

Holy freakin’ Buck Rogers In The 25th Century, our Jetpacks have finally been made and are available for order right now!! Do you know how long I’ve been waiting to fly like Superman? Well, not EXACTLY like Superman because he didn’t have to strap on a 535 lb. Honda Civic engine the size of a refrigerator to his back that only goes 63mph, but still, it’s pretty much exactly the same! A human flying through the air for 30 minutes, 5,000 feet in the air?!? I totally just piddled myself like an overly excited dog. Besides the ability to be invisible, this has got to be the best thing ever, only because this is actually happening and, well, invisibility has yet to happen, except, if someone has the ability to turn invisible we’d never know because we couldn’t see them, and seriously, if you COULD become invisibile would you EVER tell anyone? Hells no!! Exactly! So … this is the best thing for right now.

As if white people we didn’t need another way to tragically kill ourselves, such as jumping out of planes, jumping off bridges with a springy cord tied around our waists, climbing tall, jagged rocks with a little purse of white chalk, riding boards with sharks, and even driving to work, we had to invent a way to play chicken with airplanes. Now don’t get me wrong, I know I was hella excited about a paragraph ago to soar with the birds, but when it comes down to it, I’d be scared shitless. Sure, there’s a parachute that will “save your life” by slowing you down to 15 mph when you smash the ground, but just think of all the other bullshit flying around up there with you. Helicoptors just waiting to chop your head off, killer swarms of geese waiting to pounce, another rookie Jetpacker, JetBlue flight #225, that random skydiver … oh yeah, and let’s not even mention if that flying backpack of death gets squirrley, you lose complete control and start a new career in skywriting curse words, or worse … that damn thing runs out of gas at 5,000 ft. Oh yeah … did I mention it only costs $100,000?

No thank you science! You can just take your steampunk hubu-jubu flying contraption and stick it straight up your stank-box ingenious aeronautical asses and see how far in the air THAT gets ya.

Free autographed Rocket Man record with every purchase of a Martin Jetpack

Look Who's Siiiiiiiiiiiingle !! The Shrivernegger

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I think I'll use this one for Match.com

Ok guys calm down, CALM DOWN!! Please get in a single file line and quit shoving each other. I understand now that Maria Shriver is single that we all can’t wait to get our shot at that Kennedy lineage poontang, but please, have some maturity here, Jesus!!

Oh, hi there dear reader. I’m just trying to organize this line of single men wrapped around the Sacramento Capitol who are just chompin’ at the bit to get their chance to date, and in some cases, to marry thee Ex-Mrs.-Terminator, and by the size of this line I’d say she’ll have her pick of the cream of the crop. And who can blame these guys, hell I’m even throwing my name in the hat for this hottie. What the hell was Arnold thinking? Cheating on his trophy wife. But the strange part is that he did it ten years ago … when she was actually easy to look at. Oh well … his loss and OUR gain. Those teeth, her manly jaw line, her Skeletor hands, those gaunt eyes … seriously, what’s not to drool over? But to her defense I saw the Governator’s mistress/housekeeper and holy crap Arnold, you just like ’em homely don’t you?

What? Was that too mean? Too bad! This just goes to show that all the power and the money and the success and fame and the Hummers and the movies and the family pedigree and all that shit doesn’t get rid of our basic primal urges of wanting to go around and stick our Conan the Barbarian into some Twins, or to have our Red Heat pounded by a Kindergarten Cop. That’s just the way we’re wired, get over it society! But holy cripe how fortunate for the media and late night talk show hosts and ridiculous bloggers to have something this juicy to just fall in our … I mean … THEIR laps. It’s like that dream you have when there’s just money everywhere and you can’t pick it up fast enough, but the more you pick up the more you realize how worthless it is, but then when you wake up you’re all pissed because you thought it was real and how the good dream turns to shit so maybe it’s actually a nightmare like when your teeth are slowly crumbling out of your mouth when you’re talking to someone and you’re trying to push them back in while trying to not swallow the ones that fall into your mouth, but when you wake up you’re so fucking relieved that it wasn’t real and that maybe THAT one should actually be classified as a dream vs. a nightmare. Either way … where was I going with that? Oh yeah! I’m poor and unhappy so I’m just glad that when normal shit happens to the privileged, we get to jump all over it and talk about how lame they are and blow it so completely out of proportion as to take the focus off of us and project all of our shortcomings onto them which kinda sucks in its own right because now these people are just going to become more popular and make more money off of all this with the books and the shows and the Lifetime channel movies. Ugggggh!! What can’t I get paid for all the fucked up shit in my life?

Oh yeah, back to Maria. Nice teeth.

I vant yo baby !!

Look Who’s Siiiiiiiiiiiingle !! The Shrivernegger

Posted on Updated on

I think I'll use this one for Match.com

Ok guys calm down, CALM DOWN!! Please get in a single file line and quit shoving each other. I understand now that Maria Shriver is single that we all can’t wait to get our shot at that Kennedy lineage poontang, but please, have some maturity here, Jesus!!

Oh, hi there dear reader. I’m just trying to organize this line of single men wrapped around the Sacramento Capitol who are just chompin’ at the bit to get their chance to date, and in some cases, to marry thee Ex-Mrs.-Terminator, and by the size of this line I’d say she’ll have her pick of the cream of the crop. And who can blame these guys, hell I’m even throwing my name in the hat for this hottie. What the hell was Arnold thinking? Cheating on his trophy wife. But the strange part is that he did it ten years ago … when she was actually easy to look at. Oh well … his loss and OUR gain. Those teeth, her manly jaw line, her Skeletor hands, those gaunt eyes … seriously, what’s not to drool over? But to her defense I saw the Governator’s mistress/housekeeper and holy crap Arnold, you just like ’em homely don’t you?

What? Was that too mean? Too bad! This just goes to show that all the power and the money and the success and fame and the Hummers and the movies and the family pedigree and all that shit doesn’t get rid of our basic primal urges of wanting to go around and stick our Conan the Barbarian into some Twins, or to have our Red Heat pounded by a Kindergarten Cop. That’s just the way we’re wired, get over it society! But holy cripe how fortunate for the media and late night talk show hosts and ridiculous bloggers to have something this juicy to just fall in our … I mean … THEIR laps. It’s like that dream you have when there’s just money everywhere and you can’t pick it up fast enough, but the more you pick up the more you realize how worthless it is, but then when you wake up you’re all pissed because you thought it was real and how the good dream turns to shit so maybe it’s actually a nightmare like when your teeth are slowly crumbling out of your mouth when you’re talking to someone and you’re trying to push them back in while trying to not swallow the ones that fall into your mouth, but when you wake up you’re so fucking relieved that it wasn’t real and that maybe THAT one should actually be classified as a dream vs. a nightmare. Either way … where was I going with that? Oh yeah! I’m poor and unhappy so I’m just glad that when normal shit happens to the privileged, we get to jump all over it and talk about how lame they are and blow it so completely out of proportion as to take the focus off of us and project all of our shortcomings onto them which kinda sucks in its own right because now these people are just going to become more popular and make more money off of all this with the books and the shows and the Lifetime channel movies. Ugggggh!! What can’t I get paid for all the fucked up shit in my life?

Oh yeah, back to Maria. Nice teeth.

I vant yo baby !!