Internet

Stunning Map of the Internet Allows You To Re-Trace Your Pioneering Online Days

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What if the world of the world wide web were charted by explorers, mapping out all of the scattered, far flung countries and continents of these craggy, depraved darkened corners of this place we’ve come to call “The Internet”? Well, it’d probably look a little something, like this.

Originally posted on Your Daily Media

​I’m not much of a world traveler. In the last several decades I’ve rarely ventured further than a couple hundred miles from home, going as far north as Black Rock City, Nevada and as far south as Tijuana, Mexico. Both for the reasons you might think. But as far as the world of the great digital frontier goes, it appears there isn’t a horizon I haven’t seen, nor a continent that hasn’t felt the weight of my boot.

Amateur graphic artist, Martin Vargic posted his “Map of the Internet 1.0” some time ago to his deviantart page without much notice, until recently when this beautiful, highly detailed representation of the internet as world map, started gaining attention.

“Hoist the 1400 baud and tighten the land line, we set sail for Internet Explorer Island!”

“It was my hobby,” the Slovakian student told reporters. “And it still is my hobby, though I am planning to start selling prints of my maps on Amazon quite soon.”

And I’d certainly buy one. I’ve been pouring over it, tracing back my internet roots. Following my journey from the little town of Livejournal in the Land of Forgotten Websites, through Steve Jobs Land and across the Digital Ocean. I still think fondly of the days spent on the CD Rom Peninsula and could run you through the great valleys and chasms of the continent just off the Despicable Sea like it was the back of my hand. Or I suppose, more accurately in this case, the palm of my hand.

I’m still trying to uncover my original digital roots, all the way back to the lost city of Pipeline/Mindspring, and even, if records even still exist, the dark caves of Local BBSes.

via: Your Daily Media

Sorry Folks, Internet's Closed. Moose Out Front Shoulda Told Ya

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It’s unfortunate, we had an incredible article planned for you today. It had dinosaurs, and robots and a bald eagle punching Hitler in the taint with a star spangled boxing glove.

We put together a video which showed the two of us hang gliding off of Mount Rushmore, shooting machine guns into the air and humming “America the Beautiful”. It was glorious.

And we would have loved to share it with you today, but NO. The internet’s on strike… or something. I don’t understand it all and I haven’t made an attempt to educate myself about the subject. All I know is that the internet is taking the day off in protest again soap. I have no idea why the internet is so adamantly against cleanliness, or what the people at Ivory may have done to wrong the World Wide Web, but it seems highly irrational and misplaced. And what ANY of it has to do with Kate Middleton’s sister, I can’t even begin to figure.

“What’s the big deal?” you might be asking us rhetorically. “So the internets are closed today, just post all of this majesty tomorrow and we can still have our faces be-rocked by your glory and patriotism then, when the protest is over.”

Well, I’m sorry dear reader, but it simply doesn’t work that way. You see, once we have produced a piece of content, if it is not used immediately, we must dispose of it humanely and scatter its ashes over our ornate altar to Dave Barry. We don’t make these rules. If we did, obviously we would want to share these things with you, but as they were finished and intended to be posted today, and will not be because of the internet’s love of filthy hands and hatred of the British crown, we will have to put today’s post down and never speak of it again.

Hopefully tomorrow the computing community will have made what ever point it is they are trying to make and we can get back to business as usual: pointing out how things and people are dumb and or have vaginas, and you can get back to enjoying it. But as for the spectacularity that we had planned for today, sorry, our hands are tied, blame SOPA and PIPA for forcing us to sacrifice it to the gods of displaced humor content. It’s entirely the fault of those two hand fulls of capital letters.

So, just what exactly am I supposed to do with all these American Flag flavored condoms now?

A Big Week For Facebook, If Anyone Survives to See It

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We like My[_____]. We like it because it’s simple and quiet and uncluttered by unnecessary things like apps or content or other people, as well as all of the reasons we’ve previously stated. I like to go to My[_____] when ever I need to be alone to think about how wrong it all went.
Righteous!
Righteous!

It was while tending to our number one favorite social networking portal that I stumbled upon something called a faces book. This “facebook” (something which seemingly combines two of my least favorite things) is a madhouse of frenetic energy, filled with lunatics and anxiety, which the still calmness of my [_____] has protected me against.

And while the serine, unspoiled plains of My[_____] are where we prefer to spend our online time, other folks seem to prefer facebook. People like angry Canadian flight attendants, kids day dreaming of high school chainsaw bombing massacres and people planning to shoot themselves in the face at a gun range. This is what digital farming simulations are driving people to.

Thousands of flight attendants for Air Canada, unhappy with both management AND union leaders decided the best way to get what they wanted was to cry about it on facebook like a bunch of flight attendants on facebook… The simile is narrow, but appropriate.

Meanwhile in a Pittsburgh suburb a school murder spree being organize on facebook by a handful of angsty loners, like a bunch of canadian flight attendants, was foiled long before the teens involved could have forgotten that they tried to act bad ass on a glorified message board because they had to change for gym in front of that stuck up bitch Lorie who totally thinks she’s so fucking cool. In language that Ellwood City Mayor Anthony Court said, “Was a very vivid description.” the students hatched their master stroke:

“OK ILL SOME EXPLOSIVES.”

Literal quote taken from the article. It went on to say that local Police “interpreted the message as Martinkovich saying he would get explosives.” Description can not, by definition, be vivid if interpretation is required to understand it.

Meanalsowhile in Ohio, a facebook using individual decided to post his suicide vlog to his profile before renting a gun at a shooting range and murdering himself in the head with it. The list of wrongs in this story is too long to really get into, so I’ll just say again, that I am still firmly anti big deadly weapon rental. This is apparently the third time in three years that someone has assassinated themselves with a loaner at this range, which (to me) begs the questions: Was it the same gun every time? What’re the odds of that? Or if when a gun is used in a rental suicide does it then have to be put down like a mountain lion that wandered into what used to be it’s neighborhood but is now a poorly placed culdesac and now has to be destroyed for being a mountain lion and doing exactly what mountain lions are designed to do rather than punishing the family that’s squatting on that mountain lion’s lawn? I’ve already firmly established that it is illegal in Texas to shoot a gun with another gun, but where do the pansies in Ohio stand in the gun on gun violence debate.

Power Gesture #7: The "Cock Length"
Power Gesture #7: The "Cock Length"

The point that I’m vaguely waving at here is that this is just the beginning of facebook based hysteria. Thursday facebook is going to be rolling out another slew of services including multimedia sharing services and  “read, watched and listened” buttons which everyone is going to reflexively hate and bitch about. Facebook has become something so indispensable to people that they’ve attached a sort of personal ownership to the thing, and any time “those assholes” that created, maintain and improve what has now become this integral piece of their existence, do even the slightest little thing to improve the site, everyone bitches about it for a week. If the folks at facebook move a link button from one column to the next on your profile thousands of users wet their pants and scream at the internet like their only friend just read their unfinished X-Men slash novella before he’d gotten to the good part where Rogue grows three penises and rapes the multiple personalities of Jean Grey! … Or a Canadian flight attendant on facebook…

So, you folks have your facebooks, and your tweeting machines and your cordless cellular telephones. I’m perfectly happy with the unflinching quiet stillness of My[_____]. Nothing happens here and we like it that way and the only bad news I ever get is another morning when I don’t find a personally typed tear drenched response to my nightly e-mail whisper to new My[_____] owner Justin Timberlake where I tell him how my day went and how I know someday we’ll be together just like Tom would want. But I know he’s a busy, beautiful man, so I simultaneously don’t hold it against him, and continue sending them, knowing that if I stopped now, I would probably worry him, and I would hate to bring a second of pain into my little Jayjay’s adorable life…

So if you need us, we’ll be on My[_____], dreaming…

Get Your Digital Diddle On: It’s Only Natural

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Birds do it, bees do it, even perverts in the trees do it. Let’s do it, let’s fuck online.

Chances are, if you’re on the internet (which as of this printing is still the only way that I know you could be reading this, though if you know of any others, please let us know), then you’re probably reading this with one hand in your pants, leisurely pleasuring yourself. That’s just a science fact. Because as you know, every new invention since the dawn of man has come about due to a need to advance the field of physical gratification.

A great advancement in porn science.
A great advancement in porn science.

Fire? Invented so cave perverts could violently flog their pre-historic, barbed procreation utensils to crude vagina wall paintings at night.

The wheel? Walking from one clubbed female’s dwelling to the next had worn out its novelty. The pre-men of yesterage also needed some way to easily signal potential mates of their remaining virility at the ripe old middle age of 14.

Sliced bread? The Manwich.

So it should come as a surprise to exactly no one that the internets too were created solely for the transmittal and reception of pornographic images, thoughts and ideas. As with bread, people have simply adapted sex technologies to be used in other walks of life. Now, a study done by a New Brunswick researcher is attempting to shed some light on the internet’s original purpose for existence: cybersex.

Krystelle Shaughnessy, (clearly a made up name, even by Canadian standards of ridiculous namery) a psychology student at the University of New Brunswick decided to research the role of cybersex in the current internet landscape while, not surprisingly, cybering her sex. Engaged in a long-distance relationship, and being a modern woman of the 21st century Krystelle did what anyone would in her position, try to justify her deviant nature with a college research paper.

Her hypothesis was that, “where her grandmother would have put pen to paper to maintain such an affair, and her mother would have picked up the phone, her natural medium was online.”

"Dearest Eustace, my loins quiver for your absent dong."
"Dearest Eustace, my loins quiver for your absent dong."

And she’s right. As I’ve explained, pen, paper and the telephone were all invented for sexual purposes. Just try not to imagine after this painstakingly detailed recounting, your beloved Nana’s penmanship gradually deteriorate as she furiously scribbled her dirtiest thoughts into a steamy letter of passion and naughtyness, then handing it to the postman with a blush, knowing just what it was that he was holding in his hands to be delivered to Peepaw so that he might feverishly pleasure himself to the naughty words of his beloved, before wondering what this harlot who could spew such filth might be doing with the rest of her time not filled with scribbling her most deviant thoughts. Basically, what I’m saying is that your grandparents were distrustful sickos who traded sex drenched letters while they were apart, and carry with them, even today, secrets that they will be buried with…

Now where was I?

Oh, that’s right, the office chair hand dance.

“A key piece in the research that I’m conducting right now is, who do you have cybersex with? One thing that is across the board — whether I’m talking to researchers, students, anybody — is this notion that cybersex is two strangers hiding from their offline partners engaging in sex online, and I don’t think that’s reality,” she said.

Here, the fine researcher and I differ in opinion. But I suppose our only difference is what percentage of which is what…

Let me clarify.

Cybersex, as it has existed since the invention of the internet, has been largely two men pretending to be lesbians having sexy chat times, sans pants. That has remained the one constant in the ever evolving intertubes. The definition of “stranger” then becomes a sticking point. Obviously there is some getting to know this person pretending to be someone else. So when do we go from fake lesbian intercourse with a stranger to fake lesbian intercourse with an acquaintance or even fake lesbian intercourse with a friend? Fewer instances of cybersex are initiated between people who have known each other before chatting online than vicey versey is what I’m saying. More people have come together with the intention to come together than because distance necessitates it.

“I think my key thing going into this was to try to normalize a behaviour I think is fairly normal,” she said.

And while noble, and understandable, there is no normal on the internet. In a place where the words “two girls” and “one cup” now mean something that we could never have previously imagined, the wild west of human sexual deviances doesn’t want to be normalized and doesn’t need to be justified. We are a creature who evolved thumbs solely so that we could encircle our tingly bits with them. It’s our teachings over the years that that impulse is bad that makes it necessary to write a paper proving what you’re instinctively drawn to do is okay.

So what I’m saying is: human beings, get over yourselves.

Birds do it, bees do it, all the sickos and the sleaze do it. Let’s do it, let’s turn on our webcams and take off our pants!

Get Your Digital Diddle On: It's Only Natural

Posted on

Birds do it, bees do it, even perverts in the trees do it. Let’s do it, let’s fuck online.

Chances are, if you’re on the internet (which as of this printing is still the only way that I know you could be reading this, though if you know of any others, please let us know), then you’re probably reading this with one hand in your pants, leisurely pleasuring yourself. That’s just a science fact. Because as you know, every new invention since the dawn of man has come about due to a need to advance the field of physical gratification.

A great advancement in porn science.
A great advancement in porn science.

Fire? Invented so cave perverts could violently flog their pre-historic, barbed procreation utensils to crude vagina wall paintings at night.

The wheel? Walking from one clubbed female’s dwelling to the next had worn out its novelty. The pre-men of yesterage also needed some way to easily signal potential mates of their remaining virility at the ripe old middle age of 14.

Sliced bread? The Manwich.

So it should come as a surprise to exactly no one that the internets too were created solely for the transmittal and reception of pornographic images, thoughts and ideas. As with bread, people have simply adapted sex technologies to be used in other walks of life. Now, a study done by a New Brunswick researcher is attempting to shed some light on the internet’s original purpose for existence: cybersex.

Krystelle Shaughnessy, (clearly a made up name, even by Canadian standards of ridiculous namery) a psychology student at the University of New Brunswick decided to research the role of cybersex in the current internet landscape while, not surprisingly, cybering her sex. Engaged in a long-distance relationship, and being a modern woman of the 21st century Krystelle did what anyone would in her position, try to justify her deviant nature with a college research paper.

Her hypothesis was that, “where her grandmother would have put pen to paper to maintain such an affair, and her mother would have picked up the phone, her natural medium was online.”

"Dearest Eustace, my loins quiver for your absent dong."
“Dearest Eustace, my loins quiver for your absent dong.”

And she’s right. As I’ve explained, pen, paper and the telephone were all invented for sexual purposes. Just try not to imagine after this painstakingly detailed recounting, your beloved Nana’s penmanship gradually deteriorate as she furiously scribbled her dirtiest thoughts into a steamy letter of passion and naughtyness, then handing it to the postman with a blush, knowing just what it was that he was holding in his hands to be delivered to Peepaw so that he might feverishly pleasure himself to the naughty words of his beloved, before wondering what this harlot who could spew such filth might be doing with the rest of her time not filled with scribbling her most deviant thoughts. Basically, what I’m saying is that your grandparents were distrustful sickos who traded sex drenched letters while they were apart, and carry with them, even today, secrets that they will be buried with…

Now where was I?

Oh, that’s right, the office chair hand dance.

“A key piece in the research that I’m conducting right now is, who do you have cybersex with? One thing that is across the board — whether I’m talking to researchers, students, anybody — is this notion that cybersex is two strangers hiding from their offline partners engaging in sex online, and I don’t think that’s reality,” she said.

Here, the fine researcher and I differ in opinion. But I suppose our only difference is what percentage of which is what…

Let me clarify.

Cybersex, as it has existed since the invention of the internet, has been largely two men pretending to be lesbians having sexy chat times, sans pants. That has remained the one constant in the ever evolving intertubes. The definition of “stranger” then becomes a sticking point. Obviously there is some getting to know this person pretending to be someone else. So when do we go from fake lesbian intercourse with a stranger to fake lesbian intercourse with an acquaintance or even fake lesbian intercourse with a friend? Fewer instances of cybersex are initiated between people who have known each other before chatting online than vicey versey is what I’m saying. More people have come together with the intention to come together than because distance necessitates it.

“I think my key thing going into this was to try to normalize a behaviour I think is fairly normal,” she said.

And while noble, and understandable, there is no normal on the internet. In a place where the words “two girls” and “one cup” now mean something that we could never have previously imagined, the wild west of human sexual deviances doesn’t want to be normalized and doesn’t need to be justified. We are a creature who evolved thumbs solely so that we could encircle our tingly bits with them. It’s our teachings over the years that that impulse is bad that makes it necessary to write a paper proving what you’re instinctively drawn to do is okay.

So what I’m saying is: human beings, get over yourselves.

Birds do it, bees do it, all the sickos and the sleaze do it. Let’s do it, let’s turn on our webcams and take off our pants!