Hot Chicks

Am I Pretty or Ugly?

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It’s a sad day when teenage girls feel the need to post videos asking others if they think the girl is pretty or ugly. Girls, you are not judged by what you look like! You are not a “Pretty” or “Ugly” status, just ask Angelina Jolie, she’ll tell you. So in an effort to understand what these girls are going through, Van Full of Candy decided to jump into the abyss of body image and self esteem by doing our very own research on the subject. Please watch our video and piss all over any self worth we may have had by giving us your brutally honest opinion. Are we Pretty or Ugly ??

1 Vagina, 2 Vagina, 3 Vagina, 4

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As a guy, when I first heard about this story, my first impression is “fuck yeah, let’s do this!”, but when I didn’t get a return call, I had a lot of time to reflect on the situation. Let’s rewind shall we?

As I stumbled around my living area this morning, I, what my grandparents would say, “turned on the news”. Turning on the news back in day meant walking up to a huge wooden box and pulling a button and waiting 30 seconds for the tube to warm up and an image to appear on the screen. But when I say it, turning on the news means swiping the “slide to unlock” on my little black half pack of cards made of glass and plastic. And that’s a lot of words to have to go through to get to the girl with the double-vagina part of the story. A young Australian woman, Hazel Jones, revealed that she has an extremely rare medical condition, two vaginas.

Now, back to the beginning, as a guy when you hear a story about a woman with a double-va-J-J, you get really close to your computer monitor and hope to see how you can buy tickets to the ride, and you hope that there’s a freaky clip on YouTube somewhere, not because I’m a perv, but because I enjoyed science class as a kid. But then I got to thinking of the logistics of having a 3-sum with one other person, it’s perplexing and stressful all at the same time.

Wait !! Two of them ???
1. Finding the Grafenberg Spot is practically impossible for a mere mortal, but when you’ve got two spots to find on a non-existent map, fogettahboutit, get me a beer and something that makes me feel good about myself.

2. Hand cramps and lockjaw. Look, I’ve got some serious skills but trying to sing all the parts of a barber shop quartet by yourself is like trying to fill the van’s gas tank by farting in it, it’s possible, but it’s gonna take a LONG time. If you wanna make this woman happy, you’ve got to be a concerto pianist and a champion yodeler. Yodelers use their tongue to yodel right?

3. And the final word on the stress of all this, what seems to be awesome situation, pregnancy.

Articles Schmarticles … Show Us The Boobs !!!

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When I think of great reading material the only true publication that jumps out at me without even giving it a second thought is Playboy. Month after month, year after year they churn out some of the  most interesting and in depth articles covering the gamut from polictics to Super Bowl MVPs, from how to get your woman off in 30 seconds to tips for deep frying a turkey on Thanksgiving. And in some circles “deep frying a turkey” just happens to be a term for getting your woman off involving Crisco in a bathtub with a turkey baster, so you see, they’re pretty damn smart without even knowing it. So you could probably understand my utter glee when I discovered that the double edition, holiday anniversary issue of Playboy for Jan/Feb 2012 was going to feature Elmore Leonard and George Pelecanos … HOLY SHIT !!! Not to mention the 20 greatest cocktails and cars of the year … CARS OF THE FUCKING YEAR PEOPLE !!!

With that gleam in Jill's eyes, Mark knew it was Deep Fry Time !!

The truth of the matter is, without Playboy, I wouldn’t even know what “cocktail” actually meant unless it had the words Pabst Blue Ribbon painted on the glass with an all American red, white and blue label to let me know that it was worthy of pouring down my gullet. Cock … tail … to the untrained ear that could really be misconstrued as some sort of weird rooster appendage, or even worse, a tail that looked like a … you get the idea. So thank you Playboy, thank you for making a silly layman like me into a cultured sophisticate looking refined when I order a Vieux Carre at the Keefer when I’m jet-setting in BC, or when I make simple conversation about how one should never even THINK of mentioning the Bentley GT V8 in the same breath as the Carrera 4 GTS, two completely different animals, and if you don’t understand the subtleties then please excuse yourself from this conversation sir. Oh, and apparently some drunk chick who’s spent the last 2 years failing to make it to court hearings got paid a cool million for showing us her tits. Yay America!

I Wanna Be a Porn Star Baaaaaybeeeee … Well, Except For The HIV

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Who knew?

Alright you stars of porn, lets go ahead and take 5 and gather around. Stop your threesums, put your cable repairman outfit back on Ron, and for god’s sake you people over there leave that horse alone and get over here, this is serious business. Now listen! It has come to our attention that one of you had a stinky HIV test. Yeah! We’re not pointing any fingers but lets just say if any of you have rode bareback within the last 30 days you might wanna go wash up. So for the next few weeks we’re gonna deal with this problem, do some paperwork and see how to move forward, so for the time being everybody is on a mandatory 30 day leave of absence, so get on out there and enjoy the sun, oh, and use a condom huh?

The porn industry came to a screeching halt last night after one of their very own tested positive for HIV, just a few weeks after the overseers of PornLand decreed that “all inhabitants of the land of porn shall be tested on every eve of thy lord’s full moon or every 30 sunrises, whichever occurs first or is easier to remember to make sure that thine loins are’st clean and no filth shall thee pass to another” by making them register on the Sexual Health Database for porn types, where, we at Van Full of Candy decided to register as porn stars (see image below). But unfortunately for them, filth has beeen passed, and I’m guessing that some sort of blood letting of a goat is going to happen sometime soon to get the billion dollar golden goose to start flappin’ its wings again. They also did not release the name, age or sex of said infectee. What a fun waiting game for those who may have starred with him and or her or him/her.

So what does this mean? Thousands of out-of-work bumpers-of-ugly will be hitting the unemployment lines looking for work, REGULAR work !! Don’t you see people? This is great news !! In some city, at some company a full fledged porn star man or woman will be looking for work, and in one of those companies, one of them will be hired, and in the place where they get hired there’s an empty cube where this porn star will sit, and if you or I are lucky, it will be next to us. Looks like Monday mornings at the coffee machine just got a WHOLE lot bettah !! Well … except for the HIV.

Hot Chicks & Hearses … Let’s Be Friends !! (Pics Galore)

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They say a picture is worth a thousand words. But the right picture is worth about 5 mins alone in the bathroom without saying ANY comprehensible words. If you don’t know what I mean by this, then before you continue you will need to read yesterday’s article first. If you DO know what I mean, then I guess I know what you’ll be using this blog entry for later today. Dirty!

We here at Van Full of Candy strive on a somewhat daily basis to bring you, the reader, words. Words that provoke your core thoughts, beliefs and sometimes shake your faith. Now, as good as these words can be, and that’s not saying much, sometimes we need to give our sentences some vim and vigor, and to do that we choose … pictures. Images that will move you, inspire you, titillate you in your tingly places. And those pictures are usually picked out of a Google search to portray and/or compliment the things we’re saying. Now I’m sure that most of you think that we here at VFoC spend hours upon hours of editing and labouring over our copy and then spend more hours Photoshop’ing our images to get the color balances and shadowing just right. Well … we’re sorry to give you the bad news kids, but we are WAY too lazy to do any of that, and rightfully so, it shows in our work. Laziness personified.

So you’ll have to imagine our surprise when we got the following comment on our blog titled Burn Baby, Burn! (Hitler Inferno)

Well Zachary, you are absolutely right, all pictures should be credited when used, and if anybody crops out a watermark from a pic, then that’s just a straight up dick-move. But please rest assured that we, Van Full of Candy, would never have the time nor the patience nor the skill to ever do something that technologically savvy. And to prove it, here’s the evidence. Hopefully there’s no hard feelings Zach?

Exhibit A - Super Hott Jillian
Exhibit B - Still Way Super Hott Jillian

Hopefully everyone can see that the kind of time and effort it would have taken just to make all the leaves on the ground look just right while covering up the HEARSECLUB.COM logo would have probably taken us weeks if not months to accomplish. And believe you me, we here at VFoC would never EVER want to fall into bad graces with a website that has hot, goth chics barely dressed lying on and/or in hearses. BELIEVE ME !! And I guess what I’m also trying to say is we are extremely glad that you found this picture on our site and brought it to our attention because I now have a new favorite bookmark in my browser, and now we get to share this with the rest of the world, or at least the 8 people who read our blog. So I’m thinking that Van Full of Candy and Hearseclub.com should get together for a Hearse Full of Candy photo shoot featuring the two hairy men who write this blog, you know, for our fans. Oh, and all of your models are invited too, you know, so they can tell us how to pose.

So for those of you who have an interest in hearses or if you just have an interest in sexy goth girls half naked lying inside and on top of hearses then HEARSECLUB.COM is the ONLY site for you, trust me, I’ve done my research. And for those of you who are too lazy to actually go to the website because maybe you have one available hand at the moment, here’s a few of our fave’s. This was very tedious research.

It's time to bring hood ornaments back !!
The best way to keep a hearse from tipping over !!
I hear Death a'knockin' and I'm rushing to the door !!
My, what a big engine you have !!
Nice trunks !!

Hot Chicks & Hearses … Let's Be Friends !! (Pics Galore)

Posted on

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. But the right picture is worth about 5 mins alone in the bathroom without saying ANY comprehensible words. If you don’t know what I mean by this, then before you continue you will need to read yesterday’s article first. If you DO know what I mean, then I guess I know what you’ll be using this blog entry for later today. Dirty!

We here at Van Full of Candy strive on a somewhat daily basis to bring you, the reader, words. Words that provoke your core thoughts, beliefs and sometimes shake your faith. Now, as good as these words can be, and that’s not saying much, sometimes we need to give our sentences some vim and vigor, and to do that we choose … pictures. Images that will move you, inspire you, titillate you in your tingly places. And those pictures are usually picked out of a Google search to portray and/or compliment the things we’re saying. Now I’m sure that most of you think that we here at VFoC spend hours upon hours of editing and labouring over our copy and then spend more hours Photoshop’ing our images to get the color balances and shadowing just right. Well … we’re sorry to give you the bad news kids, but we are WAY too lazy to do any of that, and rightfully so, it shows in our work. Laziness personified.

So you’ll have to imagine our surprise when we got the following comment on our blog titled Burn Baby, Burn! (Hitler Inferno)

Well Zachary, you are absolutely right, all pictures should be credited when used, and if anybody crops out a watermark from a pic, then that’s just a straight up dick-move. But please rest assured that we, Van Full of Candy, would never have the time nor the patience nor the skill to ever do something that technologically savvy. And to prove it, here’s the evidence. Hopefully there’s no hard feelings Zach?

Exhibit A - Super Hott Jillian
Exhibit B - Still Way Super Hott Jillian

Hopefully everyone can see that the kind of time and effort it would have taken just to make all the leaves on the ground look just right while covering up the HEARSECLUB.COM logo would have probably taken us weeks if not months to accomplish. And believe you me, we here at VFoC would never EVER want to fall into bad graces with a website that has hot, goth chics barely dressed lying on and/or in hearses. BELIEVE ME !! And I guess what I’m also trying to say is we are extremely glad that you found this picture on our site and brought it to our attention because I now have a new favorite bookmark in my browser, and now we get to share this with the rest of the world, or at least the 8 people who read our blog. So I’m thinking that Van Full of Candy and Hearseclub.com should get together for a Hearse Full of Candy photo shoot featuring the two hairy men who write this blog, you know, for our fans. Oh, and all of your models are invited too, you know, so they can tell us how to pose.

So for those of you who have an interest in hearses or if you just have an interest in sexy goth girls half naked lying inside and on top of hearses then HEARSECLUB.COM is the ONLY site for you, trust me, I’ve done my research. And for those of you who are too lazy to actually go to the website because maybe you have one available hand at the moment, here’s a few of our fave’s. This was very tedious research.

It's time to bring hood ornaments back !!
The best way to keep a hearse from tipping over !!
I hear Death a'knockin' and I'm rushing to the door !!
My, what a big engine you have !!
Nice trunks !!