History

It's Charles "Mutha Fuckin'" Dickens's Birthday Yo!

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Happy goddamn 200th birthday Charles D., you ornery quill pen scribblin’ literary pimp. You’re lookin’ pretty good for being a couple Benjamins old, what’s your secret? Bikram yoga? Damn, that’s pretty badass Chuck. You don’t mind if I call you Chuck do ya? I tried that hot yoga shit once and damn near pulled my hammy while runnin’ everyone out of the room with my night before drinking and Del Taco gas, shit, I was blowin’ the tile off the walls that day. Luckily it was a free class, but hells no, I ain’t goin’ back to that sweaty ass shit ever again, so props to you grampa, keep it up.

Don't call it a comeback ... he's been here for years
Hey check this shit out, I think you need to put out a sequel to Tale of Two Cities, but this time you have it set in New York and L.A., you still deal with the major themes of duality and revolution but you concentrate on the East Coast vs. West Coast hip hop scene in the 90’s. Now to tie that shit together with the first book, you can still start it off with “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times”, because that shit is still relevant to this story, know what I’m sayin’? Yeah! And when you put the screenplay together let me play the part of 2Pac, but a white version of him, you know, just to mix that shit all up so it’s all wackity wack, and don’t even get me started on what I’ve been thinkin’ about for the new A Christmas Carol, if we do it right, it’ll be all Avatar up in that beotch. So hit me up later on that.

Ok LISTEN UP EVERYONE!! It’s C-Dick’s birthday bitches, so raise yo 40 in the air and let’s toast to the great great great grandfather of the written word, before typewriters and before computers, and in his own words … “There is nothing so strong or safe in an emergency of life as the simple truth”, well, don’t tell that shit to my Uncle JoJo in cell block 6, and don’t forget to pour some out for your homeys. Happy Birthday C !!

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This Didn’t Happen Today in History — December 16th

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December 16th 1362 —

King Gretch the Least Boil Covered, ruler of Low Slopshire, was propped up in the window of Pox Castle to gurgle incoherently at his dead and dying subjects for what turned out to be his final address. His feverish ramblings meandered from the subject of the appropriate waiting period after the death of a spouse to engage in bestial congress, to a detailed list of the exact color and location of all of the open wounds festering on his body, and the names that he called them when he was alone late at night and the sounds of his subjects’ death rattles cascading across the plains paused briefly enough for him to contemplate their miserable existence.

Midway through his description of the demon floating before him, just outside his window, King Gretch seized up solid, biting clean through his tongue, tumbled through the window after it to the runny, puss laced muck at the foot of the castle below.

His subjects ate well that morning as the flesh that was left on the King’s gangly frame pulled easily from the bone and tasted much less of grime and sadness than their usual meals of fetid soil.

This Didn't Happen Today in History — December 16th

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December 16th 1362 —

King Gretch the Least Boil Covered, ruler of Low Slopshire, was propped up in the window of Pox Castle to gurgle incoherently at his dead and dying subjects for what turned out to be his final address. His feverish ramblings meandered from the subject of the appropriate waiting period after the death of a spouse to engage in bestial congress, to a detailed list of the exact color and location of all of the open wounds festering on his body, and the names that he called them when he was alone late at night and the sounds of his subjects’ death rattles cascading across the plains paused briefly enough for him to contemplate their miserable existence.

Midway through his description of the demon floating before him, just outside his window, King Gretch seized up solid, biting clean through his tongue, tumbled through the window after it to the runny, puss laced muck at the foot of the castle below.

His subjects ate well that morning as the flesh that was left on the King’s gangly frame pulled easily from the bone and tasted much less of grime and sadness than their usual meals of fetid soil.

Tomorrow’s Bullies: Start Your Engines — 2011’s Most Popular Baby Names

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Babies, you have to call them something, and “Dream Murdering Booze Accident” gets confusing as their numbers multiply. So we give them more vague names based almost entirely on our own whims. We made the thing, we should get to scar it for life with the poorly thought out label we’ll be writing into the back of its underwear for decades.

Apparently, this morning the list of the Top 100 Baby Names of 2011 was released, and it was ridiculous. I have never met anyone with half of these names, but I guess that’s only because I’m not a baby, because according to this highly scientific list of the most popularly be-named tots for this, the year of our lost two-thousand and ten and one, in six years, elementary school teachers are going to have to tell Aiden L. to stop measuring his participation ribbon against Aiden W. and Aiden F.’s ribbons to see who’s is bigger because they all participated equally in their non competitive bases running exercise sport. Now take a nap on your hand dulled safety pillow and dream peaceful dreams of never excelling in anything, ever.

But so confused was I by this list of fictional names taken from imagi-babies, I felt I needed to do some research into what it was that people USED to call future adults. So, using this same trusted site, I went back 50 and 100 years to see what the most popular names were for 1911 and 1961. What I found, was startlingly unstartling!

1911

Rank Male Female
1 John Mary
2 William Helen
3 James Margaret
4 George Dorothy
5 Robert Ruth
6 Joseph Anna
7 Charles Elizabeth
8 Frank Mildred
9 Edward Marie
10 Thomas Frances

1961

Rank Male Female
1 Michael Mary
2 David Lisa
3 John Susan
4 James Linda
5 Robert Karen
6 Mark Patricia
7 William Donna
8 Richard Cynthia
9 Thomas Sandra
10 Steven Deborah

Strong godly names that we all recognize as words that people call one another! Just as my baby killing god intended it!

Then, something happened fifty years later, we were apparently re-colonized…

2011

Rank Male Female
1 Aiden Sophia
2 Jackson Emma
3 Mason Isabella
4 Liam Olivia
5 Jacob Ava
6 Jayden Lily
7 Ethan Chloe
8 Noah Madison
9 Lucas Emily
10 Logan Abigail

Dirty, filthy, swarthy United Kingdom mouth filth! At least as far as the male names go, but you look on the female side and it’s the dirty Spaniards! What happened to good old American names like George and William and Elizabeth!? No, you shut up! I’m not being unreasonable, Marvin, YOU’RE being unreasonable! MARVIN!

So with this evidence of how the lazy baby having public of today clearly are not taking their responsibility for identifying tomorrow’s reality television personalities seriously I am left wondering just how much farther will our naming standards slide? Well, I’ll tell you how far!

Oh, you might say that it is unknowable. How could a simple internet humorsmith possibly have any idea how world naming will deteriorate as words continue to lose all sensical meaning?! Well it’s simple really, it involves carefully atuning my timeascope which I won in a fist fight with Robot Abe Lincoln at the base of an erupting volcano immediately after the comet strike that extinctified the thunder lizards!

I present to you then, the most popular baby names of the years 2061 and 3011!

2061

Rank Male Female
1 Humperdink Cha Cha
2 Gustov Clarita
3 Able Valerie
4 Murphy Bethany
5 Spivey Tuchi
6 Duncan Pauletta
7 Chetsworth Gaga
8 Kilroy Vaginny
9 Iceman Lucinda
10 Duke Fancy Berta

3011

Rank Male Female
1 Slam Dunk K8y
2 Robot Lincoln Worthless Fame Whore
3 Jar of Bacon Spermina
4 Coleslaw Nancina
5 Pfizer Implant 6-b41 Volvo
6 Mungo Land Mass Pink Female Unit
7 Ugh Choice
8 Laser Beam Denveronica
9 Ahhh!!! Cat Video
10 Second Amendment Conchitarribarriba

And there you have it. And when I am there for the swearing in ceremony of President Slam Dunk Baconnaise and Vice President Ahhh!!! Johnson in what we would have known as the year 3068 I will know that at least it’ll sound better than when the most popular baby names of 3061 take office and I have to pay for a bag of reconstituted oxygen in what I will call the year 4206 but which no one will understand, with a nine-trillion mega buck coin emblazoned with the face of Generalissimo Supreme Fire Hot Cooper…

Tomorrow's Bullies: Start Your Engines — 2011's Most Popular Baby Names

Posted on

Babies, you have to call them something, and “Dream Murdering Booze Accident” gets confusing as their numbers multiply. So we give them more vague names based almost entirely on our own whims. We made the thing, we should get to scar it for life with the poorly thought out label we’ll be writing into the back of its underwear for decades.

Apparently, this morning the list of the Top 100 Baby Names of 2011 was released, and it was ridiculous. I have never met anyone with half of these names, but I guess that’s only because I’m not a baby, because according to this highly scientific list of the most popularly be-named tots for this, the year of our lost two-thousand and ten and one, in six years, elementary school teachers are going to have to tell Aiden L. to stop measuring his participation ribbon against Aiden W. and Aiden F.’s ribbons to see who’s is bigger because they all participated equally in their non competitive bases running exercise sport. Now take a nap on your hand dulled safety pillow and dream peaceful dreams of never excelling in anything, ever.

But so confused was I by this list of fictional names taken from imagi-babies, I felt I needed to do some research into what it was that people USED to call future adults. So, using this same trusted site, I went back 50 and 100 years to see what the most popular names were for 1911 and 1961. What I found, was startlingly unstartling!

1911

Rank Male Female
1 John Mary
2 William Helen
3 James Margaret
4 George Dorothy
5 Robert Ruth
6 Joseph Anna
7 Charles Elizabeth
8 Frank Mildred
9 Edward Marie
10 Thomas Frances

1961

Rank Male Female
1 Michael Mary
2 David Lisa
3 John Susan
4 James Linda
5 Robert Karen
6 Mark Patricia
7 William Donna
8 Richard Cynthia
9 Thomas Sandra
10 Steven Deborah

Strong godly names that we all recognize as words that people call one another! Just as my baby killing god intended it!

Then, something happened fifty years later, we were apparently re-colonized…

2011

Rank Male Female
1 Aiden Sophia
2 Jackson Emma
3 Mason Isabella
4 Liam Olivia
5 Jacob Ava
6 Jayden Lily
7 Ethan Chloe
8 Noah Madison
9 Lucas Emily
10 Logan Abigail

Dirty, filthy, swarthy United Kingdom mouth filth! At least as far as the male names go, but you look on the female side and it’s the dirty Spaniards! What happened to good old American names like George and William and Elizabeth!? No, you shut up! I’m not being unreasonable, Marvin, YOU’RE being unreasonable! MARVIN!

So with this evidence of how the lazy baby having public of today clearly are not taking their responsibility for identifying tomorrow’s reality television personalities seriously I am left wondering just how much farther will our naming standards slide? Well, I’ll tell you how far!

Oh, you might say that it is unknowable. How could a simple internet humorsmith possibly have any idea how world naming will deteriorate as words continue to lose all sensical meaning?! Well it’s simple really, it involves carefully atuning my timeascope which I won in a fist fight with Robot Abe Lincoln at the base of an erupting volcano immediately after the comet strike that extinctified the thunder lizards!

I present to you then, the most popular baby names of the years 2061 and 3011!

2061

Rank Male Female
1 Humperdink Cha Cha
2 Gustov Clarita
3 Able Valerie
4 Murphy Bethany
5 Spivey Tuchi
6 Duncan Pauletta
7 Chetsworth Gaga
8 Kilroy Vaginny
9 Iceman Lucinda
10 Duke Fancy Berta

3011

Rank Male Female
1 Slam Dunk K8y
2 Robot Lincoln Worthless Fame Whore
3 Jar of Bacon Spermina
4 Coleslaw Nancina
5 Pfizer Implant 6-b41 Volvo
6 Mungo Land Mass Pink Female Unit
7 Ugh Choice
8 Laser Beam Denveronica
9 Ahhh!!! Cat Video
10 Second Amendment Conchitarribarriba

And there you have it. And when I am there for the swearing in ceremony of President Slam Dunk Baconnaise and Vice President Ahhh!!! Johnson in what we would have known as the year 3068 I will know that at least it’ll sound better than when the most popular baby names of 3061 take office and I have to pay for a bag of reconstituted oxygen in what I will call the year 4206 but which no one will understand, with a nine-trillion mega buck coin emblazoned with the face of Generalissimo Supreme Fire Hot Cooper…

This Didn’t Happen Today in History — November 30th

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November 30th 2012 —

After the inadvertent release of indisputable scientific and theological confirmation of the Mayan calendar’s grim prediction of the end of the world and with a now hard, verified three weeks remaining in the very existence of the planet Earth and all of mankind, the peoples of the world, finally seeing above the infinitesimal irrelevant tribal struggles over resources and deific squabbles that have made neighbors foes for millenia embark on what future ancient Earth civilizations will refer to as “Suck’n’Fucknorak”.

The fossilized remains of a trans-continental daisy chain spanning the breadth of what they will never know as the former United States of America will be misinterpreted as the skeleton of the great “Beast of a Hundred Million Backs” which legend will have it, cracked the very planet in half with the force of it’s Earth shattering orgasmic roar.

This Didn't Happen Today in History — November 30th

Posted on

November 30th 2012 —

After the inadvertent release of indisputable scientific and theological confirmation of the Mayan calendar’s grim prediction of the end of the world and with a now hard, verified three weeks remaining in the very existence of the planet Earth and all of mankind, the peoples of the world, finally seeing above the infinitesimal irrelevant tribal struggles over resources and deific squabbles that have made neighbors foes for millenia embark on what future ancient Earth civilizations will refer to as “Suck’n’Fucknorak”.

The fossilized remains of a trans-continental daisy chain spanning the breadth of what they will never know as the former United States of America will be misinterpreted as the skeleton of the great “Beast of a Hundred Million Backs” which legend will have it, cracked the very planet in half with the force of it’s Earth shattering orgasmic roar.