Government

Beer Drones Grounded By FAA, Dreams Of Airborne Brews On Hold

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It’s a pure science fact that we here at Van Full of Candy do love our alcohol yum-yums. The idea of having them air lifted to our waiting drinking arms seemed like an idea that we should have had. But apparently, the FAA doesn’t approve of our completely under control lifestyle!

Originally posted on Your Daily Media

America is always on the forefront of snack and alcohol technologies. Whether it be new ways to inject cheese into things, finding things which can be–nay, MUST be battered in beer, or the majesty of a food stuff called “Combos,” which actually manages to somehow combine two non-food stuffs into one “edible” cylinder. Americans have always lead the way in food and beverage-based technological advancements and by the Type-2 Diabetes God, we always will!

So it came as no surprise to hear that a small enterprising micro brew beer company out of Wisconsin had made their beer fly.

The noble, brilliant, merry makers at Lakemaid Beer had a simple vision. That vision was to make it possible for the hearty ice fishing men and other men, out in the frozen wilderness to satisfy their manly thirst without having to leave their chilly ice holes, and without risking delivery personnel’s footing on the treacherous frozen lakes. And personal drones were the answer to this question that we didn’t know we had until they existed.

Unfortunately, the killjoys at the FAA have grounded Lager Air, (if only temporarily) as they review their policies regarding the use of drones for commercial practices.

“They think it’s a great idea, though they’re telling me to stop.” said Lakemaid Beer company president, Jack Supple. And really, it is. I have no doubt that we’ll be seeing Pizza Hut and Budweiser drones buzzing through the skies Super Bowl Sunday, 2015. But until then, I’ll keep tinkering away at my Gran Legacy Vodka Dirigible and Long Island Ice Tea Missile. The booze arms race is on.

via: Your Daily Media

Better Get Your ‘Gaydar’ Fixed !!

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A heterosexual black male, a gay white male, and a filthy hillbilly male walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve your type here”. The three men look at each other in confusion, turn to the bartender and say, “Which one of us are you talking to”? And that there my friends lies the question of the day … Who was the bartender talking to?

The answer to this question will have many different answers depending on your own upbringing, beliefs, judgements, and what-not’s. The sad thing about this is that there ARE answers to this question. For some of you the answer is: The Filthy Hillbilly. Look at him, he’s disgusting, he reeks of Hamm’s beer, he’s gonna try and get in a fight with someone in this bar tonight, get him the hell out of here. For others it will be: The Heterosexual Black Male. Look at him, coming in here trying to take our white women away from us, and we all know he’s bound to steal something while he’s here. And then for others it’s: The Gay White Male. Oh lord, look at him with his great fashion sense, his manicured nails, white teeth, tan, and that gawd-awful lisp. Get that flamer out of here, he’s gonna try to hit on me, I just know it.

Good afternoon ... I'd like to donate some blood.

Now this brings up another question: How do you know that he’s gay? I know many men who match the description above, hell, I might even fall into that category. So … am I now … gay? Well according to some people’s ‘Gaydar’, I just might be, which I don’t think is such a bad thing considering, once again, the description above. But what happens when somebody’s ‘Gaydar’ is malfunctioning? What if it’s not as finely tuned as other people’s ‘Gaydars’ and they tell someone that there services aren’t wanted because they … well … they just … “look too gay”?

This happened to Aaron Pace, a 22 year old, heterosexual, black male. He wanted to donate some blood at the Bio-Blood Components donation centre in Chicago where he was turned away for “appearing to be a homosexual” and “looking too gay”. Blood donation centres, including those run by the American Red Cross, do not allow gay men to donate blood because of a 30-year-old federal policy. So, who is a chosen one to determine who is gay and who isn’t? Who’s ‘Gaydar’ can we trust? Has there been new developments in ‘Gaydar’ technology? Well, I think that my ‘Gaydar’ is actually quite good, so I decided I needed to test it out for myself. I looked for a picture of Mr. Aaron Pace on the googleweb and found his picture, and, well Aaron … you do look kinda gay.

The perfectly arched brows and the "lying on the ground" pose gives it away.

Better Get Your 'Gaydar' Fixed !!

Posted on

A heterosexual black male, a gay white male, and a filthy hillbilly male walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve your type here”. The three men look at each other in confusion, turn to the bartender and say, “Which one of us are you talking to”? And that there my friends lies the question of the day … Who was the bartender talking to?

The answer to this question will have many different answers depending on your own upbringing, beliefs, judgements, and what-not’s. The sad thing about this is that there ARE answers to this question. For some of you the answer is: The Filthy Hillbilly. Look at him, he’s disgusting, he reeks of Hamm’s beer, he’s gonna try and get in a fight with someone in this bar tonight, get him the hell out of here. For others it will be: The Heterosexual Black Male. Look at him, coming in here trying to take our white women away from us, and we all know he’s bound to steal something while he’s here. And then for others it’s: The Gay White Male. Oh lord, look at him with his great fashion sense, his manicured nails, white teeth, tan, and that gawd-awful lisp. Get that flamer out of here, he’s gonna try to hit on me, I just know it.

Good afternoon ... I'd like to donate some blood.

Now this brings up another question: How do you know that he’s gay? I know many men who match the description above, hell, I might even fall into that category. So … am I now … gay? Well according to some people’s ‘Gaydar’, I just might be, which I don’t think is such a bad thing considering, once again, the description above. But what happens when somebody’s ‘Gaydar’ is malfunctioning? What if it’s not as finely tuned as other people’s ‘Gaydars’ and they tell someone that there services aren’t wanted because they … well … they just … “look too gay”?

This happened to Aaron Pace, a 22 year old, heterosexual, black male. He wanted to donate some blood at the Bio-Blood Components donation centre in Chicago where he was turned away for “appearing to be a homosexual” and “looking too gay”. Blood donation centres, including those run by the American Red Cross, do not allow gay men to donate blood because of a 30-year-old federal policy. So, who is a chosen one to determine who is gay and who isn’t? Who’s ‘Gaydar’ can we trust? Has there been new developments in ‘Gaydar’ technology? Well, I think that my ‘Gaydar’ is actually quite good, so I decided I needed to test it out for myself. I looked for a picture of Mr. Aaron Pace on the googleweb and found his picture, and, well Aaron … you do look kinda gay.

The perfectly arched brows and the "lying on the ground" pose gives it away.

Your Fake Boobs Are Two Incredibly Beautiful Terrorists

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What the hell is going on with TSA these days? A couple of months ago they were searching for bombs in baby’s diapers, then they moved on recently to searching for bombs in a 90 year old’s Depends Undergarment. But now … NOW … they’re going to need to start fondling all the ladies with implants. Very smart TSA, VERY … SMART IN-DEED! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a job application to run down to the airport. Be right back.

RED ALERT : SEVERE RISK OF TERRORIST ATTACKS

Actually, no, it’s not TSA’s fault this time, it’s the plane terrorists making my wait at the airport another hour longer than normal. Dicks! What a bittersweet thing these terrorists are doing. Strapping those bulky, unbreathable bombs to themselves is so 2001, and the modern terror-fashionista-ist would never be caught dead with the cliché “underwear bomb” from 2009. Those acts of terrorism were so bunchy, and the pantie-lines were simply atrocious. So what is a terrorist to do?

ORANGE ALERT : HIGH RISK OF TERRORIST ATTACK

Well one smarty terrorist has finally devised a way to not only look fabulous, but to blow a fucking plane to smithereens while doing so. Say hello to “The Implant Bomb”. That round, succulent, perky bosom of mass destruction teasing us with its low cut flirtyness, giving us just enough of a show to distract us from the mayhem that it will be causing very soon. Bittersweet in the fact that big fake boobs are great to look at, they might be a bit on the hard side when fondling, but for the most part, great, I’m not complaining believe me. But now with the implant scare, I’m sure there will soon be some sort of new US Regulation keeping women with low self-esteem from easily acquiring implants without some sort of huge screening process, which will then spiral out of control to a ban on implants altogether. Damn you Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab !!! First you take our freedom from safe flying, and now you take our eye candy too, you’re such a prick! However, I am interested to see the pictures they use on the new terror alert system.

GREEN ALERT : No terror here, let her on the plane

Mars’ Bio Station Alpha: Confirmation by Denial

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There is a secret government space station, manned by a co-operative team of humans, aliens and human alien hybrids working together for no doubt nefarious purposes as we speak… on the surface of Mars! How do I know with absolute, unwavering, blind certainty that the crazy thing that I just said is the only pure, true fact in the entire world? Because someone else said it isn’t.

I don’t internet much. Most of the time you can find me by my butter churn or smelting furnace, whittling a squirrel out of a slightly larger squirrel. But apparently a member of my quilting squad tells me that there’s something called a YourTube which has a video going around right now in which “armchair astronaut” and hero of the human race, David Martines, exposes to the world a shocking discovery he made on one of his internet machines. And I tell you what, it was enough to make me drop my home spun wisdom spinner into my aw shucks bag like a ribble at a rabble rally. 

… yee haw…

Either that's a Mars base, or I got really excited by the idea that might be a Mars base.
Either that's a Mars base, or I got really excited by the idea that might be a Mars base.

So if you felt the very fabric of space and time shudder and whip around like a crank addled lemur a couple days ago, that was apparently when David warned infinity about his brain raping find: “Bio Station Alpha”. Clocking in at a wildly guessed at 700 feet long and 150 feet wide, this Martian base was discovered after a painstaking, exhausted “quite by accident” by Mr. Martines as he was diligently perusing Google Mars when he likely should have been doing something more important. Naturally after finding this tiny white pixellated smudge, David came to the only logical conclusion, that this was an artificial structure that that either currently or recently housed inhabitants of a secret nature.

But the powers that be are already working on damage control, sending out their first wave of “experts”, in the personage of Alfred McEwen, a “planetary geologist at the Lunar and Planetary Lab at the University of Arizona and the director of the Planetary Imaging Research Laboratory” and “principal investigator of the High Resolution Imaging Science Experiment (HiRISE)”, a “powerful telescope” supposedly “currently “orbiting “Mars”””.

Like any of those things are real things. The only people with titles that long are made up vaguely sciency flim flammerists that the United States government dresses up in CVS photo mat lab coats to try to throw true, trail blazing space cops off the trail of something so big, so important, that it could kill your face off to know the true truth of it all.

But this “expert” CLAIMS that Bio Station Alpha, the very real and factual Martian habitat recorded on space film for the world to see by the Googles, is actually just a glitch in the image cause by “cosmic energy”. What the bullshit is that fucksense?! They’re not even trying with this! If you’re going to call me and Martines, two true believers in Bio Stations Alpha through Epsilon, crazy, then you need to counter with an explanation at least somewhat less crazy than our own!

“It looks like a linear streak artifact produced by a cosmic ray,” said Alfred McEwen, fake science credential collector.

Pictured, from left to right: Bio Station Alpha
Pictured, from left to right: Bio Station Alpha

To which I can only respond, “No, it doesn’t look like a cosmic ray, comic book scientist. It looks like a god damned secret government space station on the surface of the cold red planet Mars and you’re making yourself and your made up profession sound ridiculous!” If what this space camera caught on its space film was “cosmic rays” then how come it didn’t turn into a stretchy, invisible, on fire rock camera?

It didn’t did it? Did it? Because that would be an awesome space camera. I’m going to assume it didn’t because that best helps my argument. Cosmic rays? Doom says pah!

So the only logical, rational, reasonable explanation for this clump of pixels is that the government is now trying to cover up their secret extra terrestrial agenda. Of course experts are denying the existence of Bio Station Alpha. You know what else they deny exists? Area 51. According to our own peaceful, trustful government, Area 51 doesn’t exist. Just like Bio Station Alpha. So, therefor and to wit: if we are told that Area 51 doesn’t exist, but it does, then Bio Station Alpha must also exist since we’re told it doesn’t! Don’t you get it! You can’t even begin to understand just how deep the rabbit hole goes! It goes all the way down to the rabbit home, filled with all of the modern luxuries of an anthropomorphic wise cracking rabbit, which experts will also tell you don’t exist, but I have film evidence dating back to the 40s that calls them a god damned liar!

In the end what it comes down to is this: there is a space station on Mars. You can say there isn’t, but I can say there is, and since I said there is first, it’s up to you to prove definitively, beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is not now, nor has there ever been a life sustaining research facility on the surface of Mars. Just the same way that it is now up to the governments of the world to prove that there isn’t a space camera orbiting the Earth with the combined powers of the Fantastic Four.  Until then, the plain and simple fact of the matter is that thing that I just made up exists now too and no matter how much you try to tell me logically how it doesn’t, you can’t prove that there’s not a lab somewhere in Eastern Montana growing more of these super cameras to enslave the human race as we speak.

Ball’s in your court science.

Mars' Bio Station Alpha: Confirmation by Denial

Posted on

There is a secret government space station, manned by a co-operative team of humans, aliens and human alien hybrids working together for no doubt nefarious purposes as we speak… on the surface of Mars! How do I know with absolute, unwavering, blind certainty that the crazy thing that I just said is the only pure, true fact in the entire world? Because someone else said it isn’t.

I don’t internet much. Most of the time you can find me by my butter churn or smelting furnace, whittling a squirrel out of a slightly larger squirrel. But apparently a member of my quilting squad tells me that there’s something called a YourTube which has a video going around right now in which “armchair astronaut” and hero of the human race, David Martines, exposes to the world a shocking discovery he made on one of his internet machines. And I tell you what, it was enough to make me drop my home spun wisdom spinner into my aw shucks bag like a ribble at a rabble rally. 

… yee haw…

Either that's a Mars base, or I got really excited by the idea that might be a Mars base.
Either that's a Mars base, or I got really excited by the idea that might be a Mars base.

So if you felt the very fabric of space and time shudder and whip around like a crank addled lemur a couple days ago, that was apparently when David warned infinity about his brain raping find: “Bio Station Alpha”. Clocking in at a wildly guessed at 700 feet long and 150 feet wide, this Martian base was discovered after a painstaking, exhausted “quite by accident” by Mr. Martines as he was diligently perusing Google Mars when he likely should have been doing something more important. Naturally after finding this tiny white pixellated smudge, David came to the only logical conclusion, that this was an artificial structure that that either currently or recently housed inhabitants of a secret nature.

But the powers that be are already working on damage control, sending out their first wave of “experts”, in the personage of Alfred McEwen, a “planetary geologist at the Lunar and Planetary Lab at the University of Arizona and the director of the Planetary Imaging Research Laboratory” and “principal investigator of the High Resolution Imaging Science Experiment (HiRISE)”, a “powerful telescope” supposedly “currently “orbiting “Mars”””.

Like any of those things are real things. The only people with titles that long are made up vaguely sciency flim flammerists that the United States government dresses up in CVS photo mat lab coats to try to throw true, trail blazing space cops off the trail of something so big, so important, that it could kill your face off to know the true truth of it all.

But this “expert” CLAIMS that Bio Station Alpha, the very real and factual Martian habitat recorded on space film for the world to see by the Googles, is actually just a glitch in the image cause by “cosmic energy”. What the bullshit is that fucksense?! They’re not even trying with this! If you’re going to call me and Martines, two true believers in Bio Stations Alpha through Epsilon, crazy, then you need to counter with an explanation at least somewhat less crazy than our own!

“It looks like a linear streak artifact produced by a cosmic ray,” said Alfred McEwen, fake science credential collector.

Pictured, from left to right: Bio Station Alpha
Pictured, from left to right: Bio Station Alpha

To which I can only respond, “No, it doesn’t look like a cosmic ray, comic book scientist. It looks like a god damned secret government space station on the surface of the cold red planet Mars and you’re making yourself and your made up profession sound ridiculous!” If what this space camera caught on its space film was “cosmic rays” then how come it didn’t turn into a stretchy, invisible, on fire rock camera?

It didn’t did it? Did it? Because that would be an awesome space camera. I’m going to assume it didn’t because that best helps my argument. Cosmic rays? Doom says pah!

So the only logical, rational, reasonable explanation for this clump of pixels is that the government is now trying to cover up their secret extra terrestrial agenda. Of course experts are denying the existence of Bio Station Alpha. You know what else they deny exists? Area 51. According to our own peaceful, trustful government, Area 51 doesn’t exist. Just like Bio Station Alpha. So, therefor and to wit: if we are told that Area 51 doesn’t exist, but it does, then Bio Station Alpha must also exist since we’re told it doesn’t! Don’t you get it! You can’t even begin to understand just how deep the rabbit hole goes! It goes all the way down to the rabbit home, filled with all of the modern luxuries of an anthropomorphic wise cracking rabbit, which experts will also tell you don’t exist, but I have film evidence dating back to the 40s that calls them a god damned liar!

In the end what it comes down to is this: there is a space station on Mars. You can say there isn’t, but I can say there is, and since I said there is first, it’s up to you to prove definitively, beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is not now, nor has there ever been a life sustaining research facility on the surface of Mars. Just the same way that it is now up to the governments of the world to prove that there isn’t a space camera orbiting the Earth with the combined powers of the Fantastic Four.  Until then, the plain and simple fact of the matter is that thing that I just made up exists now too and no matter how much you try to tell me logically how it doesn’t, you can’t prove that there’s not a lab somewhere in Eastern Montana growing more of these super cameras to enslave the human race as we speak.

Ball’s in your court science.

Wow! What A Wiener, Weiner!

Posted on Updated on

I think the family photos in the background are a nice touch

New York Congressman, Anthony Weiner, decided he was going to show his pee-pee to some ladies on the interwebs. Apparently he thought women could keep their mouths shut, and I mean that in the most loving way possible, seriously. Let’s just take a quick look at this shit, shall we Weiner?

#1. You are a U.S. Representative, New York Congressman, and your wife is an aide to Hilary Clinton. Did you think you weren’t just a smidge high profile?

#2. You sent pics of your beautifully shorn chest and your boxer-brief’s bulge via Twitter and Facebook to about 6 different women? Why in the hell would you use your real Twitter account name you FOOL?!? It’s @RepWeiner for those of you who’d like to try and hook up with him. Everybody knows that you have a REAL account and a “I wanna show my schlong” account. Stupid, stupid man!

That pickle doesn't look too kosher.

#3. As soon as you pressed “Send” you must have known that some shit was gonna go down, right? There must have been a slight moment of hesitation where you said “I know I shouldn’t do this, but this girl isn’t gonna throw me under the bus, we’re tight.” I mean seriously. Did you not think that in this day and age with how fast information flies across the world, that any one of these girls wouldn’t try to make some serious money off your stupidity? Did you not think that any one of them would possibly want to get on a Good Morning news program, want to write a book, get on Oprah’s new network and talk, talk, talk about your groin?

I hope my allergies pass as being really upset.

Look bro, I’m not mad at ya, I just feel sorry for you since you got caught. But when you don’t think things through, that’s what happens, and now you’re gonna get a slap on the hand, you’ll need to make a Tiger Woods apology-interview,  and then just stay under the radar for a few days because the bigger, better, shavier chested news story is quickly coming around the corner, and your “5 minutes of fame” is going to fade away into the media abyss, and we’ll all go back to commuting to work, eating our turkey sandwiches and having no clue who you are.