Sometimes you’re either physically incapable, or mentally unable to muster enough strength of will to walk into your local taco-esque food dispensary to retrieve your Mexic-ish snack stuffs. Well fret no longer because the Taco Bell ordering app is coming to your rescue!
Plagued by “menu board anxiety” (their term, not mine) in the drive thru? In a hurry to get your Crunch Wrap fix? Want to use technology to help get Mexicish type food substitutes into your tragically abused digestive system as quickly, accurately and efficiently as possible? Well don’t get your cinnamons in a twist, Taco Bell is about ready to introduce a new system for making your terrible food choices via your smartphone!
“Mobile is the biggest shift in QSR since the drive thru,” Taco Bell’s “mobile lead” Jeff Jenkins told reporters of the “Nation’s Restaurant News”… I kid you not, that’s an actual thing.
And speaking of actual things, you might have wondered (as I did), what the hell QSR was. Well, it apparently stands for “Quick Service Restaurant”. Again, their term. Which roughly translates to “fast food place”. It seems “Speedy Anti-Food Slopitoriums” are spending more time making up new ways to make their illegitimate food product manufacturing sound more important than, you know, making the “food” not taste like a cruel mockery of the ACTUAL food item it’s named after.
As far as the app goes, the system will be so simple that someone who would willingly choose to go to Taco Bell could figure it out. The “taco” enthusiast will paw at their screen until the app is launched, after which “guests are greeted with a message that is tailored to the time of day” which I can only assume means that it will know whether you are waking and baking, or if you’re satisfying your late night munchies. Technology! Based on your GPS location the app then helps users find the “seasoned meat re-heatery” nearest them and shows the prices, hours and directions for said “meal preparatory kitchenesque”. Hey, I think I’m getting the hang of this fast food re-name-inating!
“If you can get 10 million people to download your app,” Mr. Jenkins continued. “You’re putting a portal to Taco Bell in 10 million pockets.”
Which is not wholly dissimilar to the old fashion analogue Taco Bell experience many of us are all too familiar with, in which, if you were unable to get to the facilities fast enough after your meal went screaming through your system, you might wind up opening a Taco Bell portal in another part of your pants.
Oh sweet, sweet 7-11; so much more than day old spinning burgundy hot dogs and your delicious signature Slurpee. Now you have joined forces with other food insanity pioneer Doritos to unleash a new level of intestinal hell. Coming to a regretful stomach near you, behold: Doritos Loaded.
If you’re anything like me, you sit alone in your underwear, covered in processed cheese dust, calling out to a God who has long forgotten his mistake of creating you, “Is there anything you can’t swaddle in Dorito to more deliciously clog the hole in my soul?” And while God invariably ignores these pleas, junk food technologists are hard at work, making sure that, with each passing that day, the answer to that most-dire-of-questions is increasingly: “Eh. Maybe this?”
It is with that in mind that I introduce you to your newest drunken late night decision: the Doritos Loaded.
No, what you’re looking at isn’t the fever dream of your booze-soaked liver, magically willed into existence. What you have here is a wad of nacho cheese, lovingly caressed by a Doritos crumble blanket, sprinkled with the kisses of cheese fairies and placed gently into the warming trays of three select Washington D.C. 7-Elevens. The result is very much like a mozzarella stick, only bat shit crazy.
Doritos Loaded is reportedly “a product that is in test,” according to an unnamed 7-Eleven representative. Then heard in the background of the phone call was the unmistakable clanking of gears, no doubt raising a platform high above a laboratory toward a stormy sky. The distinct noise of the dragging club-foot of the 7-Eleven representative’s trusty lab assistant across a cold slab floor could be heard as it made its way to a switch mounted on the wall. It was “too soon to really talk about it,” the representative continued as the platform locked into position with a loud metallic clunk, followed not long after by a crash of thunder and the mad cackling of the anonymous 7-Eleven representative.
As the phone clattered to the ground, the muffled shouts, proclaiming his creation to be “ALIVE” could be made out over the buzzing of electrical current and the low, wheezing chuckles of the hunch backed assistant. They had no further comments.
Best. Episode. Yet! And no, I’m not just saying that because a sexy Van Fan professed her attraction for Candy Man, Jesse Jones in the second half of the episode, but that sure as hell doesn’t hurt its quality!
In tonight’s episode of “The Van Full of Candy Show” we discussed our respective Valentines Dayses. Jesse’s was filled with drunken debauchery, Jason’s was filled with Walmarts. Who won? You decide. Jesse drank his “Conversation Juice” straight from his newly invented empty “Kleenex Box Booze Koozie”, uploading it via technology to twitter, LIVE during the show to the entertainment of no one… Jason brought up a story of a hoarding woman buried under her own crap and went on about how he watches Hoarders to shame himself into cleaning his apartment and the existence of a confusingly named 1800Hoarders.com while Jesse invented a new hoarder clean up business “Clutter Busters” without knowing that it already existed…
After a quick word from our sponsors we returned with a semi-announcement of our intentions of hitting the road in the Van Full of Candy 20(grumblemumble) US Tour! Live shows, roaming the country, coming to your town, we’re gonna party down, we’re an American Van! We offered the Tesla Motor Company and the BAND Tesla the chance to jump in on the sponsorship ground level! Then segued beautifully into a story about a pussy who suffered an ironic heart attack at Man vs. Food cliché, “The Heart Attack Grill”, who we would also love as a sponsor of our United States tour.
THEN the show really got started when looking up from that nonsense story, we discovered a caller waiting for us. An unnamed woman with wonderful taste in men who professed her “attraction” for the Van’s resident stud muffin Jesse Jones. An attraction that astonishingly began with our first video, “Disgusting Beard”. While nervously dancing around responses to the wonderful lady’s questions, Jesse managed to plug Chinatown Newspaper and their desire to stop in the Bay Area, where the caller resides, on their non-existent US Tour. He then danced around his availability and his confusing relationship status. Unfortunately in his flustered, mildly drunken state he didn’t even manage to get the lady’s name though she did promise to call back next week, which Jesse hopes very much will be the case.
So tune in next week to follow the further developments of this crazy love rhombus on “The Van Full of Candy Show “Episode 4: Conversation Hearts”!
How come I have to read about this fucking story a few hours after eating a Quarter Pounder with Cheese for lunch? Why? Because it’s God’s way of pecking me to death. Thanks God.
Enter … Pink Slime.
Just when you thought it was safe to go back to McDonald’s drive-thru, Mickey D’s has done it again. Like JAWS lurking below in the dark depths of the ocean, we all swim on the surface ignorant in our trans fat day comas, the happy red and yellow clown keeps putting shit in his food that kills us alive. Thanks Ronald.
This time, the yumminess that’s been inserted into my #5 value meal looks like Bazooka Bubble Gum but not as sweet, or maybe it is, but I haven’t had a spoonful of it in it’s natural habitat. It’s all the parts of a cow that are deemed unworthy of human consumption. It’s the parts that they use to make dog food out of. It’s the parts that make my McD.L.T. taste so damn … tasty. All the scraps and hooves and bones and fat and sinew are cut from meat that gets sold for steaks and that shiny wet cat food. Those scraps are then taken to a meat dry-cleaner where they separate the “meat” from the fat, give it a bath in ammonia and call it safe. Yay!
Oh wait, this just in. McDonald’s has just put out a statement claiming “This product has been out of our supply chain since August of last year”. Instead, they’re using Slimey Pink.
We all understand that fast food isn’t good for us, we get that, it isn’t a secret, but sometimes you just have to make a run to McDonald’s, or Jack, or Carl’s, or Wendy’s, or the BK. Too tired to cook, and too lazy to go hunting, you get off the couch, drive your car over to the drive-thru, order through a box, and take home your bag of cholesterol. Fast food chains have definitely helped us to become lazy in our cars, and for that, we thank you oh creator of drive-thru’s.
We can do our banking in a drive-thru, pick up our dry-cleaning in a drive-thru, wash our car in a drive-thru, get a venti white chocolate mocha frappuccino with carmel and whip cream in a drive-thru. We don’t ever have to get out of our cars anymore if we don’t want. We could live in our cars and most of our basic necessities would be met.
But now !! Just when you thought it wasn’t safe to get out of the car. Now, my beloved King of Burgers is going the extra mile by cutting out the middleman of actually having to stand up, put on shoes, grab keys, and drive 1/6th of a mile. They’re making our already lazy lives LAZIER !! “How?” you ask? Pick up your phone, dial your closest Burger King and tell them your order. THEN! Somebody will arrive at your door with your hot disk of meat parts and a gallon of Coke. Your phone is the new drive-thru !! BRILLIANT !!! Now if only Starbuck’s would deliver.
The title of this blog comes from a very popular “Tweet” and mixes it with us, Van Full of Candy, and a cheeseburger slinging clown. It’s sort of a creepy-trifecta right off the bat. The “Tweetsy” I’m referring to is one that starts off … #ThatAwkwardMomentWhen … and people put all kinds of awkward moments behind it. One of the more popular “moments” is, well, here it is below that I came across just today …
First of all, thank you Mr. Boner5 for expressing your disappointment in not receiving any candy, and second of all, please know that if you get in our van, there’s more candy than you can handle. And hey dear reader, why not click on “Follow” for Mr. Boner, I’m sure he’d like some company. Now where was I? Ahh yes, explaining shit.
So the title comes from a conglomeration of a few things, beginning with an article I read on Time Magazine’s website today. It was about the 10 creepiest product mascots that they have so deemed worthy of this title. After going through their list I’d have to agree with most of them, but I would have added Fred Rated to the mix. Anyway, the two that stood out to me were the original Hamburglar and the original Ronald McDonald. So being the diligent purveyor of information that I am, I went on a research binge and came across something that even I hadn’t seen before. It’s about how Ronald McDonald skates through your neighborhood, offers your kids burgers and holds their hand as they skip off to McDonald’s for gawd knows what even though mommy said not to.
So dear readers, what have we learned from this PSA video? We’ve learned that when a strange man driving a van offers you candy, take a moment and think of what dear old mom said, then look at the van, and smell the candy, and listen to the driver’s voice. If it looks unlegit, and smells unlegit, and sounds unlegit, then get your ass in that van and eat as much candy as possible, because heck, a van full of candy is your favorite place in town, just like the commercial says. Beep beep !!