Family

Hold On To Your Gag Reflex: 44-year-old Fetus Found in 84-year-old Woman

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The human body is a wondrous, amazing and altogether confusing mechanism. We walk, we talk, we breathe and spit and shit and shout. And then sometimes, every now and then, the human body will surprise us, and what you thought was a prolonged tummy ache was a calcified “stone baby” living in your guts for nearly half a century. The human body is weird like that.

Originally posted on Your Daily Media

I’ve had to empty the catch bucket next to my desk nine times over the past six hours trying to write this story. and I’m almost certain that I am going to wake up screaming “STONE BABY!” at 4am every morning for the rest of my life. So, you know, fair warning for those who choose to read further: An 84-year-old Brazilian woman has had a dead, calcified fetus living inside her for the last 44 years. Huurgh… No, I’m good. It’s fine… Let’s do this.

Oh god!

The unnamed woman visited a healer almost 4 ½ decades ago suffering pain during her pregnancy. After her apparently successful visit, “her stomach didn’t grow anymore” and “the baby stopped moving”. So, with that being seemingly enough of a resolution to her tummy ache, she then went on to live the rest of her life somehow never noticing or caring that no baby (or remnants thereof) ever appeared to exit her body. I can only guess that her assumption was that it had somehow been dissolved and re-absorbed into her body and was not worth further investigation. Well as it turns out ALMOST THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF THAT HAPPENED!

What DID happen is something called “lithopedion”. It’s a rare phenomenon in which a fetus will grow for a period outside of the uterus before eventually dying. The body then, unable to expel this lump of used-ta-baby, will instead calcify it as a means of protection to the rest of the body, resulting in what is known in horror movie pitch meetings as a “stone baby”.

Make it stop!

This rock-solid pre-infant was discovered in this Brazilian woman when, upon a more recent visit to the hospital to investigate “intense stomach pains”, subsequent exploratory X-rays revealed “the face, the bones of the arms, of the legs, the ribs, and the spine” of an elderly, freeloading fetus which had died somewhere between 20 to 28 weeks into gestation, more than 40 years ago.

And now, introduced to something that I never even knew existed and now can’t unknow, we’re left with perhaps the most stomach churning detail of the whole ordeal. The woman is opting not to have her granite un-child removed. Instead choosing to leave her haunted abdomen, chock full of baby corpse…

Oh god, gotta empty my bucket!

via: Your Daily Media

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British "Man" Gives Birth: Lose Your Fucking Mind and Hate Him!

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We live in an amazing, Technicolor, sci-fi world. A world where you can almost literally be anything you want. I mean, you can’t actually be, say, a cat or a polar bear. But you can dress up like them and fuck other people dressed up like zebras and mice, which is basically all you would want out of that kind of life anyway. So, no, you can’t actually be anything you want, modern science hasn’t quite gotten us THAT far, but say you’re a woman and you don’t like that, you can be a man. Then say, you’re a man now, but you want to be a mommy. “Tough shit” you say? “You made your penis and now you have to lie on it!” Well that’s where you’re wrong gender Nazi! Now you can have your masculinity and your mother’s day too!

Wait, follow me here: A man in England, who was a woman in England is now a mom… dad… in England.

Why is this news I hear you asking? People push smaller people out of the appropriate organs every day, what makes this special? Well I’ll tell you. It’s a freak! Look and point at the freak thing doing a freak thing that makes us uncomfortable! Any time anyone different does something normal, people shit their pants.

What grabs the attention initially is “Man has baby” which is not true. A man did not have a baby. Let’s get that straight. A woman, now identifying them self as a man after surgeries and hormone treatments, who looks very much like a human man as long as he’s wearing pants but who still possesses working lady innards, had a baby. Now I’m not saying that he isn’t a man now or maybe wasn’t all his life and now just externally matches the person he was all along internally. What I’m saying is that this is not a person born a man, with male baby making mechanics, giving birth to a child. This is a biological woman with all of the inner workings as such, doing what those things do. So cut it out with “Man Has Baby! Holy Fuck!”… You’re not helping.

Cut it our y'all, I'm all powerful. Fer serious!
Cut it our y'all, I'm all powerful. Fer serious!

But even then, that’s STILL not the real reason anyone is taking notice of this. It grabs the attention sure, but once someone reads “man with left over lady parts” they understand that a miracle has not occurred. And maybe that’s part of the problem. Maybe it would be better if it WERE miraculous. ‘Cause there’s no other reason that the news that somebody with the appropriate parts (the very same that God done gived ’em to make it possible) having a baby should be a big thing to anyone, except of course, you know; God.

It seems, for an all knowing, all powerful, omnipotent creator of everything everywhere ever, this “God” fellah sure seems to get his mighty will gone against an awful lot. Fortunately there are plenty of defenders of this flimsy excuse for a deity ready to call these disgusting perverts who have had babies the way they were designed to, monsters who have destroyed any chance of happiness for the people they just made.

“We have to sit up and consider these things,” Busy body, Josephine Quintavalle, of ‘Comment on Reproductive Ethics’ said when no one asked. “I don’t think it is in the interests of the child to distort nature this way. We are prepared to do anything possible to fulfill the rights of the adult. But I think it is at the expense and rights and welfare of the child.”

She went on to say that “there needs to be a proper inquiry in to the issues surrounding these births.”

To which I can’t help but wonder: why?

A person with ovaries walks into a doctor’s office and asks for help in creating another human being who may or may not also own a set of ovaries, depending on the whimsical fancy of an invisible sky grandpa. The doctor gives the womb owner magic lady juices to make their parts more baby ready. Some time later, usually a couple score months and then some, VIOLA! Baby!

What makes one baby maker less ethically acceptable than another? A beard? Because a good amount of lady ladies have facial hair problems, this one just seems to be more comfortable with it. What makes the soft, smooth mother with fertility assistance more fit to mother than the gruff, less traditional mother? If this man woman had perhaps had a dozen children and a reality show, would the ethics then be less of a sticky wicket?

Trevor Stammers, director of medical ethics at St Mary’s University College, London, said: “You are hardly going to end up with a baby that’s going to have a happy, productive and optimal childhood.”

Now you’re just being a dick Trevor Stammers, director of medical ethics at St. Mary’s University College, London. And I fucking assume it’s a college if it has “University” in the name you redundant cunt.

Is that a beer gut or do you just have a secret womb destroying God and family?
Is that a beer gut or do you just have a secret womb destroying God and family?

What “Mr.” Stammers is saying, is that this horrible, selfish person, who bore this child solely to mock creation and “Mr.” Stammers’ basic belief system, has damned this child to an unhappy, unproductive, unoptimal childhood. Because this person decided that they more associated with manliness than ladyliness, but still wanted to have a child with the equipment that they were given, they are somehow unfit to raise a child in anything but a hellish state of Godless confusion.

OR, Mr. Stammers is a fucking hateful douche who’s own carefully shaped world view, molded by a pretty mommy with boobies and makeup, is a living example that how frilly your mom is don’t really dictate your potential future seething unhappiness.

Love is love people. And doesn’t it stand to reason that someone who loves them self more due to choices they’ve made to re-shape their lives, will likely be able to bestow upon their child a pretty solid level of unreserved love. It seems a family with this sort of base will likely be hindered less by judgement and shame, except of course for all of the judgement and shame heaped upon them by the outside world who’s been taught by good, wholesome families to judge and shame.

Read your own books folks. This flawless lord of yours told you to love. That message seems to be pushed aside by your searching out reasons where you think your book tells you to hate and justifications for why you do. But I’ll take a thousand dickless dads over a single nuclear family that says man mom is wrong to bring a child into the world because his life choice makes them feel icky.

From Rage Oranges To Shame Milk — Family: Who Needs It?

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“If I wanted to see mammals feeding their young with their own self producing lactic fluids I’d go to a god damned zoo and “Awww” at its adorable quaintness on the other side of plexiglass where it belongs! Now feed my wife this god damned hand pealed citrus or I’ll murder every last one of us!”

Has this ever happened to you? If you have a family this kind of scene plays out to your horror each and every day until you’re finally murdered for feeding someone the wrong produce. I’ve never trusted family. I have always seen them as challengers to my resources and an attachment to any one of them as a liability waiting to be exploited. But that’s just how I was raised.

Breasts are a thing to be ashamed of. We all know this. This is accepted as science fact Alpha 0. The feeding of a child in public, especially those that are not your own, is also recognized accepted as a wholly embarrassing and reprehensible act. When you combine the two you are left with the single biggest assault on the senses of those that have every opportunity to not witness it by the simple turn of their head.

You should be ASHAMED of yourself!
You should be ASHAMED of yourself!

For some reason breasts and the feeding from thereof has a very polarizing effect on otherwise crazily irrational people or “people” as they’re more commonly known. And once again “Sesame Street” is in the middle of another divider of the masses. Just like Muppets to stick their bulbous, brightly colored felt noses on another hot button and stir the shit. Except for the fact that they’re actually not, but that’s beside the point.

Like a couple months ago when busy bodies started circulating a petition trying to encourage the Sesames to out Bert and Ernie, the public broadcasting children’s show is being dragged into another issue by people who should really have better things to do with their time. This time it’s a petition asking “Sesame Street” to promote breast feeding, as they apparently had in the 70s and 80s with two separate segments involving teat suckling and the supposed “normalcy” and “naturality” of the clearly despicable act.

The squeamish, who recognize boobies and their practical use as the abomination that they are, are uncomfortable with children being exposed to such depravity. They understand the slippery slope that nourishing titty sucking is. First you ingest sustenance from your mother as your kind have since you’ve had a kind, then before you know it you’ve moved on to sucking off terrorist in welfare parking lots for crack drugs! Or something.

I personally don’t care for either side of the issue. If you want your children to be taught that nip sips are okay, then, you know, why not tell them yourself. You’re already asking the TV box to teach them to read and count and bright flashy colors loud noise buy this toy! Why not take a role in letting them know that you’re not a sex offender for feeding their baby brother.

And to those that are so mesmerized by the disgusting act of a mother keeping their child alive with the very liquid provided by their biology to do just that thing, that they can’t stop staring at it in disgust whenever it’s never happening all the time right not in front of their faces; I simply want to say: calm down. It’s not “gross”, it isn’t effecting your existence in any way what so ever, and even if the images of an oblong blanket being held to a woman’s chest were broadcast through space and into your living room, you are still entitled to decide for your own self whether or not to watch it intently, seething at its appearance on your baby sitter, or to change the channel and seethe at the fact that it could be appearancing on someone else’s picture tube somewhere else in the world. Or maybe you could settle the fuck down for half a god damned second and realize that you’re wasting your entire life hating things that are none of your fucking business.

Meanwhile: Orange you glad I shot your sisters?!

Police in Ohio believe that a family murder-suicide was the result of a dispute over an orange, peeled specifically to be fed to a dying wife and sister, that went un-served.

Now who will eat my delicious fruit!?
Now who will eat my delicious fruit!?

I’m willing to bet that there was probably more leading up to this that more directly related to the killing spree than the waste of a juicy mandarin, but in this story it seems to be the only factor involved, so I’m just going to assume that this Paul David Gilkey, a man who served a ten year prison sentence for “beating a man to death with a fence post in 1974” and in 1986 “allegedly stabbed his own father” was an otherwise well-adjusted individual who simply could not abide the disuse of a perfectly edible piece of fruit which he himself delicately peeled in anticipation of its imminent ingestion.

“They had given Darlene a meal, toast and I believe a banana, toast and tea prior and when [Paul] already had an orange peeled for her and that seemed to be the issue that spurred [Paul] to his rampage,” said Hocking County Sheriff Lanny North.

An Orange dispute is clearly the only explanation. And the only answer to this injustice is the assassination of his terminal wife’s two sisters, their son and himself. I mean, that goes without saying I would think.

Gilkey’s cousin told reporters that Paul had been “showing signs of instability” but NATURALLY thought that that would only manifest “after his wife had passes” and would NATURALLY only be “self-inflicted”. Because an instable individual with a history of fence post murdering and the stabbing of family members, MUCH more immediate than in-laws, will NATURALLY not be a danger to anyone but themselves if a vexing fruit dispute were to arise.

Family: you can’t squeeze milk from their torso sacks without enraging someone with full control of their necks and you can’t shoot them all because they selfishly didn’t cram the food you prepared for one of them into the intended face.

Santa Christ Is Coming To Town

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What better way to bring in the Yuletide season with the wonderful smell of Gingerbread Lattes and White Christmas playing in the background. Storming the malls on black Friday and hopefully not trampling anyone in the process, let alone being the trample-ee. Getting all the things our family wants and eating all the things that make us feel good about the season. Santa and Rudolph, snowflakes and chestnuts, presents and misletoe and … oh wait … what about Jesus? No, not your gardener, the little baby from the book who’s mama never did the nasty … no, not that movie about the barren mother who went on an adoption spree … the freakin’ son of God people, come on !! So let’s go back to the beginning of this nonsense run-on sentence and start over … what better way to bring in the Yuletide season then by combining the things we love, the things we have faith in, the things we know are both real … right? Enter Loudoun County Courthouse in historic Leesburg, Virginia … virgin, Virginia … I smell co-ink-ee-dink. The good people of the courthouse decided to let the first 10 applicants put up an art display, on the courthouse lawn for the holidays, and here’s what they got for their trust in mankind … I like to call it … Santa “Bones” Christ …

Apparently some of the residents in the area did not like this art installation and neither did the councilpeople who decided that this would be an ok idea. “I just think that these folks are trying to ruin the holiday spirit in the name of the first amendment,” Leesburg councilmember Ken Reid said. “They are just very disrespectful of the community.” But the odd thing was that they didn’t seem to mind a very similar wood carving in church the following Sunday … strange.

Thanks baby J for Xmas and Easter !!

Van Full of Candy's Top 8 List "Looking Back on My Childhood, I Should Have Called CPS"

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#8 … Being forced to mow the lawn in lederhosen, ’cause it’s cute

#7 … Go make grandma a lowball glass of special medicine, shaken please

#6 … The overnight mayonnaise hair conditioning in a hair-cap treatment

#5 … Take this note and this $5 bill to the gas station and go buy auntie some cigarrettes

#4 … You know why your dog just died? Because you stayed out too late, that’s why !!

#3 … Making friends at school is always harder when you’re packed a sardine sandwich for lunch

#2 … That butterfly leotard costume fits you just FINE for the school play

#1 … If you’re not nice to your grandparents their arms will come out of the graves and find you wherever you are

Van Full of Candy’s Top 8 List “Looking Back on My Childhood, I Should Have Called CPS”

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#8 … Being forced to mow the lawn in lederhosen, ’cause it’s cute

#7 … Go make grandma a lowball glass of special medicine, shaken please

#6 … The overnight mayonnaise hair conditioning in a hair-cap treatment

#5 … Take this note and this $5 bill to the gas station and go buy auntie some cigarrettes

#4 … You know why your dog just died? Because you stayed out too late, that’s why !!

#3 … Making friends at school is always harder when you’re packed a sardine sandwich for lunch

#2 … That butterfly leotard costume fits you just FINE for the school play

#1 … If you’re not nice to your grandparents their arms will come out of the graves and find you wherever you are

Van Full of Candy's Last Minute Zombified Costume Ideas

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Halloween has become big business in recent years as adults have stolen away a holiday intended for children to play dress up by scaring parents with tales of abduction and tainted treats to the point where most juvenile trick treating takes place in well lit suburban malls at two in the afternoon on February 9th. In its place a parade of whores in inches of fabric vaguely associated with some sort of  honorable profession, crime fighting, fire fighting, hamburglaring, and guys wearing just enough of a costume to legally grind against those scantilly clad heroes for as long as legally allowed.

Now, we’re not here to pass judgement on this changing of the holiday, because really, no matter what we say is wrong. We’re either endorsing whore fest costumed VD transmittal gatherings or children being used as candy retrieval devices for lazy parents. So whether or not it’s right is irrelivent, what’s important now is that Zombies are in and we want a piece of that multi-trillion dollar costuming pie! Every body wants to be a zombie, but you also want to stand out in the endless horde of flesh eating monsters. And with that in mind Van Full of Candy would like to present our last minute costume ideas, infected with just enough Zombie to make you the life of any undead party!

iPhone Zombie: You want people to touch all your buttons? Well there’s an app for that. Push it here, slide it here, yeah now THAT’s a costume! Oh but wait … your trap worked. You got people close enough to you, the trusted iPhone and as soon as they start manipulating your front side, it’s too late for them. Not only are you an iPhone, you’re a goddamned zombie grabbing your victim and pulling them in towards your life size retina display whilst eating them alive spilling blood all over yourself, in turn voiding your warranty.

Baby Kitteh Zombie: Everybody who has a baby during Halloween needs to dress them up in a cutesy little Elmo outfit, or perhaps a baby sunflower so all their friends and family can koooo and awwwww and MAKE ME SICK !! This year, for those parents who need something a little more … exciting … should choose the Baby Kitteh Zombie costume. Secure that neck biting baby zombie in an adorable little kitteh suit and when friends and family get close to get a closer look … unleash the flesh eating fury of Baby Kitteh Zombie.

Can of Zombie Spam: As much as people pretend that they don’t like SPAM, we all know deep down that the congealed pink meat will always be one of our favorites. It looks like cat food, smells like food and well … It doesn’t matter because we still love it, so much so that we dress up like it for All Hallows Eve. The great thing about this costume is that the love for the pink meat juice is so strong, it’s a natural attractant for a zombie massacre. Not only can you eat the laymen who get too close to your Fancy Feast aura, you can also eat yourself if you are still hungry afterwards.

Zombie Flower: Some ladies just want to look pretty and dainty and delicate and not like a slutty version of something that is usually associated with not slutty traits. But naturally, they still want to be zombies. Our solution: the “Zombie Flower”. The cold hard truth of the matter is that when you pick a flower, you have just commited murder. So that pretty, delicate, dainty thing now wants it’s sweet smelling revenge! I think the costume would come with a bee with it’s skull ripped open, dripping delicious honey comb shaped BEERAINS!

Zombie Ghost: To be honest, I’m not entirely sure how the back story logistics work on this one. What I do know is that the ghost, while formerly a staple of the halloween costume hirearchy, has sort of fallen out of favor in recent years due to the wearer often being beaten savagely in a case of confused racist. So clearly the ghost could use a little costume rehabilitation. And the ghost lends itself to Zombification in a couple ways. First, you only get a ghost if somebody dies. That’s ingredients one through seven of Zombie! So it could either be that the zombie bite not only transforms the flesh, but also infects the SPIRIT and then you’ve got a whole afterlife of souls for the Zombie ghost to hunt and devour! OR perhaps the ghost zombie is the result of an exorcism where a ghost is sort of, kind of killed. So the GHOST comes back to life. OR OR, the result of an exorcism performed by a ZOMBIE PRIEST! Wow, the ghost is kind of kick ass now. You’re welcome ghosts. Now stop haunting everything we own!

Zombie Battery: … ‘Cause batteries die. And, zombies… And… batteries.

“BrAAAins!”

Come on! It’s hilarious if you don’t think about it!

Happy Trick or Treat! Reach way down in that candy bucket to get the best candy! Trust us, you’ll thank us later.