It was while tending to our number one favorite social networking portal that I stumbled upon something called a faces book. This “facebook” (something which seemingly combines two of my least favorite things) is a madhouse of frenetic energy, filled with lunatics and anxiety, which the still calmness of my [_____] has protected me against.
And while the serine, unspoiled plains of My[_____] are where we prefer to spend our online time, other folks seem to prefer facebook. People like angry Canadian flight attendants, kids day dreaming of high school chainsaw bombing massacres and people planning to shoot themselves in the face at a gun range. This is what digital farming simulations are driving people to.
Thousands of flight attendants for Air Canada, unhappy with both management AND union leaders decided the best way to get what they wanted was to cry about it on facebook like a bunch of flight attendants on facebook… The simile is narrow, but appropriate.
Meanwhile in a Pittsburgh suburb a school murder spree being organize on facebook by a handful of angsty loners, like a bunch of canadian flight attendants, was foiled long before the teens involved could have forgotten that they tried to act bad ass on a glorified message board because they had to change for gym in front of that stuck up bitch Lorie who totally thinks she’s so fucking cool. In language that Ellwood City Mayor Anthony Court said, “Was a very vivid description.” the students hatched their master stroke:
“OK ILL SOME EXPLOSIVES.”
Literal quote taken from the article. It went on to say that local Police “interpreted the message as Martinkovich saying he would get explosives.” Description can not, by definition, be vivid if interpretation is required to understand it.
Meanalsowhile in Ohio, a facebook using individual decided to post his suicide vlog to his profile before renting a gun at a shooting range and murdering himself in the head with it. The list of wrongs in this story is too long to really get into, so I’ll just say again, that I am still firmly anti big deadly weapon rental. This is apparently the third time in three years that someone has assassinated themselves with a loaner at this range, which (to me) begs the questions: Was it the same gun every time? What’re the odds of that? Or if when a gun is used in a rental suicide does it then have to be put down like a mountain lion that wandered into what used to be it’s neighborhood but is now a poorly placed culdesac and now has to be destroyed for being a mountain lion and doing exactly what mountain lions are designed to do rather than punishing the family that’s squatting on that mountain lion’s lawn? I’ve already firmly established that it is illegal in Texas to shoot a gun with another gun, but where do the pansies in Ohio stand in the gun on gun violence debate.
The point that I’m vaguely waving at here is that this is just the beginning of facebook based hysteria. Thursday facebook is going to be rolling out another slew of services including multimedia sharing services and “read, watched and listened” buttons which everyone is going to reflexively hate and bitch about. Facebook has become something so indispensable to people that they’ve attached a sort of personal ownership to the thing, and any time “those assholes” that created, maintain and improve what has now become this integral piece of their existence, do even the slightest little thing to improve the site, everyone bitches about it for a week. If the folks at facebook move a link button from one column to the next on your profile thousands of users wet their pants and scream at the internet like their only friend just read their unfinished X-Men slash novella before he’d gotten to the good part where Rogue grows three penises and rapes the multiple personalities of Jean Grey! … Or a Canadian flight attendant on facebook…
So, you folks have your facebooks, and your tweeting machines and your cordless cellular telephones. I’m perfectly happy with the unflinching quiet stillness of My[_____]. Nothing happens here and we like it that way and the only bad news I ever get is another morning when I don’t find a personally typed tear drenched response to my nightly e-mail whisper to new My[_____] owner Justin Timberlake where I tell him how my day went and how I know someday we’ll be together just like Tom would want. But I know he’s a busy, beautiful man, so I simultaneously don’t hold it against him, and continue sending them, knowing that if I stopped now, I would probably worry him, and I would hate to bring a second of pain into my little Jayjay’s adorable life…
So if you need us, we’ll be on My[_____], dreaming…
This entry was posted in Facebook, Headlines, Internet, Justin Timberlake, MySpace, Social Media and tagged Air Canada, Anthony Court, explosives, Facebook, Jean Grey, Justin Timberlake, Mark Zuckerberg, Martinkovich, MySpace, Rogue, Slash, Tom, X-Man.
In an epic “Fight Club” style of badass-anarchy-not-gonna-take-it-anymore blatant threat kind of a way, a kickass movement called Anomymous has publicly pretty much said “We’re gonna murder Facebook in the face and there’s nothing anybody can do about it!” That’s a pretty ballsy claim which made us here at Van Full of Candy stand at attention to it’s Trans-Am’ery.
In a super simple, computer hackery, War-Games’ish kinda video, the challenge is clear, and it’s something that you would only expect to see in a James Bond movie when the villain hacks the airways and jams the good guys transmission with their message of impending doomy doom. I think it’s pretty bold of Anonymous to actually GIVE Facebook almost 3 months to get ready for their impending assassination, like they’re letting Facebook know that there’s nothing they can do except crap their shorts for the next 87 days. But why would you do that? Why wouldn’t you just kill them and take the credit later on? Or even not take the credit and just know that you did what you set out to do?
It’s like any good shoot ’em up movie. The bad guy is trying throughout the entire movie to kill the good guy, and when the chance FINALLY happens, the bad guy savors the moment and doesn’t kill the good guy right away, he drags him to a warehouse where he can gloat in his bad guyness victory. But then the good guy somehow wriggles free like Houdini bound with chains, does a leg-sweep, a quick headbutt and magically wrassles the bad guys weapon from him turning the tables as only Guy Ritchie could direct it. LISTEN!! If you’re the bad guy, and you have the good guy and you can kill him, then kill him !! Period !! No chances, no warnings, no delay !!
So now the only question left is … is this real or a hoax? Is it the work of the most Trans-Am group of badass hackers toying with their victims until bludgeoning time, or is this the tomfoolery of a comedic group of writers who might even have a comedic blog that like to make videos that make people think? Hey, that sounds kinda like ours, but not ours, definitely not ours !! You decide. As for me, I’m gonna get some serious popcorn and Milk Duds ready for the release of this action flick and see what the fuck goes down that day. Guess I better start transferring all our shit over to MySpace.
This entry was posted in Death, Facebook, Headlines, MySpace, Technology, YouTube and tagged Anonymous, Facebook, FacebookOps, Fight Club, Guy Ritchie, James Bond, Milk Duds, Movie, MySpace, Popcorn, War Games.
I just read some bullshit about a soccer player who created a Facebook page and got 7 Million likes in 7 hours. Holy goddamn Pelé that’s a crock of shit. A soccer player? It’s taken us 3 months to get 80 likes on Facebook. EIGHT … ZERO!!! THREE … MONTHS!!! So apparently pouring your heart out onto this digital plain that looks like a piece paper day after day after fuckin’ miserable day doesn’t count for shit!! Apparently all you need to do is run around on some grass and kick a ball around with your friends to be popular, or apparently you have to be some sorta hot stud from Argentina, sponsored by ADIDAS, who just happens to be the best soccer player in the world right now and probably makes an assload of pesos! Ok, that’s cool with me, now where’d I put those damn shinguards?
Dude’s name is Leo Messi and as far as we’re concerned, he can go kick himself in the mouth with his gifted feet. But we here at Van Full of Candy aren’t bitter, NOPE! We love this kind of thing, and we’re gonna take it to the next level Leo! We challenge you to a race, actually two races.
Race #1 … you, me, soccer field, race from one end to the other. Winner gets the other’s followers. BAM SUCKA!
Race #2 … First person to 8 million likes on their Facebook page gets the other one’s bank account … AND just to make it competitive, we’ll give you a 7 million follower headstart. DOUBLE BAM SUCKA!!
So let’s do this. We’ll wait for your response. You name the soccer field, we’ll be there. Show up alone.
Ok, so now that we’ve totally put our multi-million dollar bank accounts on the line for this, we are going to need all of your help. Please!! Go to our Facebook page and “Like” our page, tell your friends and tell them to tell their friends, and tell them to tell those people to tell their parole officers, or whomever, let’s kick this soccer guys ass and get to 8 million followers TODAY!! WHO’S WITH ME?!?!
UPDATE: [1:45PM] We just received Leo’s YouTube video reply, and he’s ALL IN!! LET’S DO THE DAMN THING!!