End of the World

Apple unveils "iLand": You're All Going to Die Here

Posted on

Steve Jobs is building a 150 acre compound in Cupertino California to house his 12,000 iTroops for the coming Applegeddon, and there’s precisely not a single damned thing that you or any god being to which you have pledged your eternal soul can do about it.

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing people that getting a discount by signing a two year contract agreement was ever a discount at all…

"I'm a new soul, I came to this strange world, Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take."
“I’m a new soul, I came to this strange world, Hoping I could learn a bit ’bout how to give and take.”

“iLand” as it will have come to be known to the scattered future rebels fighters of “iYear 41”, has been presented to the Cupertino City Council as a new state of the art, environmentally friendly, self sufficient headquarters for Apple Inc. and in a city like Cupertino, where the only form of entertainment is sitting around and watching each other slowly die, this is surely spectacular news.

The plan is being welcomed with open arms by the Mayor, Gilbert Wong, who after being unplugged and booted up said in a statement that Cupertino is excited that Apple is moving forward with a new campus. “We know that we will be looking at a state-of-the-art facility and all the challenges and opportunities that go along with that,” the Wong mark IV transmitted to media outlets via his built in wireless Airport card before once again powering down and being plugged back into the wall. 

The Tron data disk shaped building sitting on 150 acres of land (that Emperor Jobs absorbed into his own essence after beheading Bill Hewlett and David Packard in a mountain top sword fight filled with lightning and magic) will be four stories tall, with an additional four floors of subterranean “parking” and will be able to generate it’s own power. “I think what we’re going to end up doing is making the energy center our primary source of power, because we can generate power with natural gas and other ways that can be cleaner and cheaper, and use the grid as our backup,” Jobs said.

When asked why the Emperor chose to use air quotes when referring to the lower levels as “parking” he told the petulant upstart council member that he would “see for himself” before firing his Matter Disassembler eye beam iBeams, seemingly vaporizing the man in question and filling the otherwise silent council chambers with his thunderous, mirthless laughter.

“It’s a little like a spaceship landed.” Jobs joked about the proposed design to the council, eliciting a mandatory response of howling laughter from the remaining un-banished council members at the prodding of the Emperor’s elite guard. Like a “spaceship” has “landed”, why, such a notion couldn’t be further from the truth! Spaceships are the thing of fantasy and children’s stories. Sure, it has the look of a space craft from science fiction, but that’s simply because the Emperor, in his limitless wisdom and flair for dramatic, poignant imagery has simply chosen a figure which represents the endless, seamless shape of the infinite, while at the same time, in employing a design with no corners he is emphasizing to his enemies that there are no corners where you can hide, no shadows to protect you from his all seeing gaze. Spaceship? That makes him laugh every time.

In fact, what the Jobs has here is not a vehicle in which to travel through space at all but instead a transdimentional focal singularity generator to bring space to him. It is a bridge, as it were, to all known realities, from which Emperor Jobs can launch his troops on endless conquests of the infinity of potential dimensional planes. And it certainly hasn’t “landed”, that’s just preposterous. No, it’s actually been there for decades. Only now as its construction has been completed in the “Void-Space” between dimensions will the new headquarters begin phasing into this plane of existence. See, nothing so fantastical as “a spaceship landed”.

Plans are expected to be submitted to and approved by the Apple implanted iPoliticians on the Cupertino City Council by 2012 and iLand is expected to fully materialize on this plane of existence and be ready for stage seven of Apple’s trans-galactic conquest operation by sometime in 2015.

Of course the new iLand 2, which will be 13% larger, only two stories thick and fully equipped with an extra 3.8 million cameras is expected to be completed six months later.

Apple unveils “iLand”: You’re All Going to Die Here

Posted on

Steve Jobs is building a 150 acre compound in Cupertino California to house his 12,000 iTroops for the coming Applegeddon, and there’s precisely not a single damned thing that you or any god being to which you have pledged your eternal soul can do about it.

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing people that getting a discount by signing a two year contract agreement was ever a discount at all…

"I'm a new soul, I came to this strange world, Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take."
“I’m a new soul, I came to this strange world, Hoping I could learn a bit ’bout how to give and take.”

“iLand” as it will have come to be known to the scattered future rebels fighters of “iYear 41”, has been presented to the Cupertino City Council as a new state of the art, environmentally friendly, self sufficient headquarters for Apple Inc. and in a city like Cupertino, where the only form of entertainment is sitting around and watching each other slowly die, this is surely spectacular news.

The plan is being welcomed with open arms by the Mayor, Gilbert Wong, who after being unplugged and booted up said in a statement that Cupertino is excited that Apple is moving forward with a new campus. “We know that we will be looking at a state-of-the-art facility and all the challenges and opportunities that go along with that,” the Wong mark IV transmitted to media outlets via his built in wireless Airport card before once again powering down and being plugged back into the wall. 

The Tron data disk shaped building sitting on 150 acres of land (that Emperor Jobs absorbed into his own essence after beheading Bill Hewlett and David Packard in a mountain top sword fight filled with lightning and magic) will be four stories tall, with an additional four floors of subterranean “parking” and will be able to generate it’s own power. “I think what we’re going to end up doing is making the energy center our primary source of power, because we can generate power with natural gas and other ways that can be cleaner and cheaper, and use the grid as our backup,” Jobs said.

When asked why the Emperor chose to use air quotes when referring to the lower levels as “parking” he told the petulant upstart council member that he would “see for himself” before firing his Matter Disassembler eye beam iBeams, seemingly vaporizing the man in question and filling the otherwise silent council chambers with his thunderous, mirthless laughter.

“It’s a little like a spaceship landed.” Jobs joked about the proposed design to the council, eliciting a mandatory response of howling laughter from the remaining un-banished council members at the prodding of the Emperor’s elite guard. Like a “spaceship” has “landed”, why, such a notion couldn’t be further from the truth! Spaceships are the thing of fantasy and children’s stories. Sure, it has the look of a space craft from science fiction, but that’s simply because the Emperor, in his limitless wisdom and flair for dramatic, poignant imagery has simply chosen a figure which represents the endless, seamless shape of the infinite, while at the same time, in employing a design with no corners he is emphasizing to his enemies that there are no corners where you can hide, no shadows to protect you from his all seeing gaze. Spaceship? That makes him laugh every time.

In fact, what the Jobs has here is not a vehicle in which to travel through space at all but instead a transdimentional focal singularity generator to bring space to him. It is a bridge, as it were, to all known realities, from which Emperor Jobs can launch his troops on endless conquests of the infinity of potential dimensional planes. And it certainly hasn’t “landed”, that’s just preposterous. No, it’s actually been there for decades. Only now as its construction has been completed in the “Void-Space” between dimensions will the new headquarters begin phasing into this plane of existence. See, nothing so fantastical as “a spaceship landed”.

Plans are expected to be submitted to and approved by the Apple implanted iPoliticians on the Cupertino City Council by 2012 and iLand is expected to fully materialize on this plane of existence and be ready for stage seven of Apple’s trans-galactic conquest operation by sometime in 2015.

Of course the new iLand 2, which will be 13% larger, only two stories thick and fully equipped with an extra 3.8 million cameras is expected to be completed six months later.

May 21st, 2011 … It’s Rapture Time Sinners [VIDEO]

Posted on Updated on

Ya'll Gonna Burn In Hell ... Me? Well I'm Goin' To Heaven Because I Am Nostradamus Jr.

Well as most of the world knows, tomorrow is the second coming of Christ, The Rapture, Judgement Day. Well … according to Harold Camping. Ya’ll ready? Better get repenting real quick like because only about 7% of us (dead or alive) are going to get floated up to Heaven tomorrow. The other 93% of us are gonna live in “hell on earth” for another six months or so. Sounds fun. If I were a bettin’ man, and I am, I’d bet that the Van Full Of Candy flies through the air tomorrow with flying colors.

VFoC Video — "May 21st, 2011 … It's Rapture Time Sinners"

Posted on

Ya'll Gonna Burn In Hell ... Me? Well I'm Goin' To Heaven Because I Am Nostradamus Jr.

Well as most of the world knows, tomorrow is the second coming of Christ, The Rapture, Judgement Day. Well … according to Harold Camping. Ya’ll ready? Better get repenting real quick like because only about 7% of us (dead or alive) are going to get floated up to Heaven tomorrow. The other 93% of us are gonna live in “hell on earth” for another six months or so. Sounds fun. If I were a bettin’ man, and I am, I’d bet that the Van Full Of Candy flies through the air tomorrow with flying colors.

Media, It’s What’s For Dinner

Posted on Updated on

Whenever I want to feel good about life, I change the channel; when I want to feel bad, same thing. Zone out, be entertained, updated, shocked, every emotion that I don’t want to look up right now: change the channel. Now the one thing I didn’t say was,

Thank God THAT mess is all over with

FIRST I turn on the TV. I didn’t have to. That damn thing is always on, and I’m sure it’s the same for the rest of America as well, right? You don’t have to lie, we’re all friends here. It’s on and it’s telling us what we need to know, what we’re supposed to know, and if it’s not on TV, it doesn’t exist.

So to the media, I’d like to send out a heartfelt “thank you”. Thank you for only scaring me for as long as you think I can handle it, and then with the precise timing of a Swiss watch, you yank all the bad stuff away so I know that everything is alright in the world again. Thanks for making all the horrific things of this world easier to digest by throwing a few of Hollywood’s finest at it with some sort of musical benefit and with their sincere words of empathy, so I can watch, smile and know that since Angelina is on the scene, everything will be just fine.

Keep moving, nothing to see here, just a few birds who got scared

So with that, I’d like to say, don’t worry natural disasters, we haven’t forgot about you, we just got a little bored with you, but  only because you’re not getting coverage, because I do care, and I WOULD send some money via a text if I had some extra.  Seriously! But don’t worry, we’ll hear about you again when somebody needs to revive their singing/acting career and you’ll be popular again. Hang in there!

We got your back Haiti ... in this well built, air conditioned photo studio

Media, It's What's For Dinner

Posted on

FIRST I turn on the TV. I didn’t have to. That damn thing is always on, and I’m sure it’s the same for the rest of America as well, right? You don’t have to lie, we’re all friends here. It’s on and it’s telling us what we need to know, what we’re supposed to know, and if it’s not on TV, it doesn’t exist.

So to the media, I’d like to send out a heartfelt “thank you”. Thank you for only scaring me for as long as you think I can handle it, and then with the precise timing of a Swiss watch, you yank all the bad stuff away so I know that everything is alright in the world again. Thanks for making all the horrific things of this world easier to digest by throwing a few of Hollywood’s finest at it with some sort of musical benefit and with their sincere words of empathy, so I can watch, smile and know that since Angelina is on the scene, everything will be just fine.

Keep moving, nothing to see here, just a few birds who got scared

So with that, I’d like to say, don’t worry natural disasters, we haven’t forgot about you, we just got a little bored with you, but  only because you’re not getting coverage, because I do care, and I WOULD send some money via a text if I had some extra.  Seriously! But don’t worry, we’ll hear about you again when somebody needs to revive their singing/acting career and you’ll be popular again. Hang in there!

We got your back Haiti … in this well built, air conditioned photo studio

VFoC's Valentine's Day Fun Facts!

Posted on

Love is a good right cross.

Valentine’s Day is celebrated around the world, though with sometimes subtle differences from region to region. In Germany, lovers exchange small, red velvet boxes filled with a their own feces, in Australia couples take turns drunkenly punching each other in the throat until a perfectly heart-shaped bruise appears and in Africa, where female circumcision is often practiced, the holiday is oddly not celebrated so much.

No Goldenseal?

St. Valentine was chosen to represent the holiday of love only be default since St. Guilttrippingo failed his mandatory piss test for HGH. St. Guilttrippingo was very vehement that he was innocent, but the Roman Empire Athletic Commission had very stringent rules and decided to give the title to St. Valentine who happened to be standing in line waiting to give a sample for his application for the Post Office.

Jesus vs. Jesus...
Jesus vs. Jesus…

Over the years in the search for its own Santa or Easter Bunny or drunken stereotype many mascots had been tried for Valentine’s Day including “Heartsy, the Human Heart”, unfortunately living outside the body and without a constant flow of blood Heartsy’s life span didn’t make for a sustainable mascot. Other contenders over the years included “Sqwirsh, the Chocolate Stuffed Teddy Bear”, “Blingy, the Sapphire Monster” and “Gimmie-Gimmie, the gift eating Vagina”. Ultimately though, the Valentine’s organizers settled on a naked flying baby archer.

Should have worn my bright orange diaper

In 1992, the Department of Justice – Bureau of Firearms stated in a press release that the arrow toting hunter known as Cupid applied for an assault weapon license. They went on to state that the application stated that “my bow and arrow are too antiquated and I need to shoot my love from longer distances”. The Bureau decided to deny the “God of Desire” a license for such a weapon, but however did state that they would allow him to carry a crossbow instead. Two years later, Cupid was involved in a freak hunting accident where he was mistaken for a wild boar and killed by a hunter with, ironically, an arrow. His replacement is named Jeff and lives in Wisconsin.

See you in August.
See you in August.

Many people often mistakenly believe February 14th to have a measurably higher rate of suicides than any other day of the year. The commonly held belief is that this holiday, meant specifically to be shared with someone you love, following so closely to Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Eve, all major holidays celebrating family, togetherness and camaraderie more often lead to the lonely and disenfranchised to finally succumb to the growing darkness in their soul, finally turning to the sweet embrace of death to release them from the pain of the waking world.

When in actuality the day with the single highest rate of suicides by a margin of 36 to 1 is, not surprisingly, August 3rd, Suicide Day, which commemorates the life and death of “St. Noosius Ligature, the Patron Saint of Oh What’s the Point”

The last little known fact that VFoC was able to uncover in our labs of tedious and exhausting research about the day when we are all forced to show our significant other that we absolutely love them, is one that might really throw the whole holiday for a loop, and one that we really struggled with even letting out of the bag, but thought that if we didn’t we would be doing all of our readers a complete injustice. What we found was nothing

Make it and they shall eat

you could find in any history book or even urbandictionary.com. It was found in a wheat field in southeast England in the early 18th century as a different variety of a crop circle. It was an actual See’s Candy Nuts & Chews crop “formation”. It was in the shape of a heart and distinct detail of the chocolates were very pronounced. In the middle of the “Nuts & Chews” crop formation was a scroll, and on the scroll read “A Diamond is Forever, but chocolate will fatten all of you humans up nicely for our return in 2012 for our 2nd-coming-feeding”. It also had the answer to See’s Candy most expensive chocolate truffle that they make, but that has been lost and the actual secret is still intact. So not to scare any of you with apocalyptic findings, just go ahead and ignore this last finding, venture out and buy some pretty roses, a sappy card, and a big fat box of chocolates and enjoy the holiday.

Happy 2nd-coming … errr, Valentine’s Day to EVERYONE!!