Finally Science Gets it Right, Introducing: Handjob Bot

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There are many ways to tell when you’ve finally become an unquestioned, dominant global super power. Maybe you’ve dropped a couple nuclear warheads on an enemy, kicked some dirt in their face and asked their quivering corpses, “Now what?!” Perhaps you export all of your worst social trappings to the four corners of the world and poison cultures with dreams of throwing away everything that’s made them special as a people in search of a dream of blue jeans and Coke-a-cola in a bottle. Either one of these are sure fire signs that you’re King Shit and the world needs to get used to the cold hard fact that they’re just going to have to take it for a while. 

Most of the time when a power reaches this level, it takes a while to fully realize just when and where they staked their claim to heavy weight super power status. It’s the kind of thing usually best left to historians to pinpoint years, even decades later. And while I’m no history scientist, I think I can nail down for you right here and now exactly when China announced to the world that they were taking their place as masters of the planet. And it is here:

China is making robots to stick it’s dick in, and there is fuck all we can do about it.

A couple weeks ago at what the Chinese cleverly called a “medical supply expo”, but which I know full well is China’s 4th Annual Invitational Handjob Robot Design Competition, they revealed this year’s winning entry, the “Automated Semen Collector”. Said to be designed for “patients who have trouble getting erect, or feel uneasy with the traditional erotic magazine and plastic cup method of semen collection” and that “this new medical breakthrough may provide some welcome relief.”

I don’t pretend to understand Asian culture and anyone who does is just seeing how long you’ll believe all of the crazy things they’re making up on the spot. In my extensive research on the subject of Japanese sexuality I have discovered that they have a thing for plaid skirts, that no intercourse is consensual or free of tentacles and that their reproductive organs are a cruel jumble of blurry squares. I know very little about Chinese fornication specifically, but based on their development of penis fondling robots, I think it’s safe to say that they are of a similar mind.

"Prime Directive: Yanky Cranky. Secondary Directive: YANKY CRANKY!"
"Prime Directive: Yanky Cranky. Secondary Directive: YANKY CRANKY!"

I get that the Asian culture is very repressed which causes such violently crazy sexual deviance to emerge when you peel back the surface, but I don’t understand how a jerk off machine in a doctor’s office could possibly be a more welcome, less uneasy experience than ogling pixellated school girls and depositing your communist goo in a cup the way America’s god intended it! But I also know that this is just sour grapes from a man who doesn’t have a robot to stroke me off while trying, and failing, to figure out what exactly to do with my hands the entire time. And it’s just made to sound all the hotter when I read the sensual copy that accompanies this Pleasure Nurse:

The patient stands before the machine and puts his penis, flaccid or erect, into the tube-shaped protrusion, whereupon it moves forward and back automatically like a piston. The inside of the tube is lined with a soft silicon material that provides gentle stimulation until ejaculation is reached.

And I know that I personally would be very disappointed if the machine itself did not recite this bit of text over and over until it’s mission had finally been accomplished or the subject tore itself from its grasp, unable to ever stop screaming again. Which ever punned first.

But bigger than national pride or the future of our nation’s economic independence, news of this kind is, I think, the most important reason we need to pay back our debt to China as soon as possible. Just imagine for a second that you had the technology to make robots to jerk you off and someone else had the money you could be spending to make them. Me, in that situation; I’d be super pissed.

So the sooner we get China their money back, the sooner we can get to work on trying to close the gap in this substitute arms race. We’re America damn it, we can do anything we put our minds to and I say to you here and now that by 2021, we can, we will, we MUST put an American made suck bot on every red white and blue penis in this great land of ours! Our time has not yet passed, you hear us China?! Our robots have not yet BEGUN to suck! USA! USA! USA!

Would You Like Fries With Your Self Richeousness?

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If what I’ve over heard while not really listening can be trusted as complete and total fact, 97.3% of Americans are out of work. I, personally, work out of the Van making literally tens of people every day sort of almost chuckle, so as far as I’m concerned the unemployed can suck it. And apparently “insiders” agree with me. But all anyone seems to want to talk about is how bad the economy is and how no one is doing anything about it. And after seeing one company try to come out and at least look like it’s trying to do something, I can understand why nobody else gives a shit.

"Here's a McSecret: The real 'Happy Meal'? It's in my pants!"
"Heres a McSecret: The real Happy Meal? Its in my pants!"

See, yesterday McDonalds, “the Hamburger People”™ held what it called a “National Hiring Day” where they supposedly planned to hire 50,000 new workers, effectively adding to it’s burger loving work force by 7 percent. Thousands of people showed up at McDonalds “Family Fun Food Centers and Play-stravaganza Activity Parks” © hoping to join Mayor McCheese’s proud McFamily. Those struggling folks, among the 13 million other Americans desperate for work were naturally called by industry insiders, “suckers”.

You see, this isn’t about hiring people. If that’s what you thought, some vaguely defined “economy industry insiders” would like to tell you about this job that they have for you called punch you in the face dummy. You see, this isn’t about trying to put people to work, this is about McDonalds wanting to look like it… puts people to work…

But let’s look at the facts, stupid poor moron! Here’s what the article itself says:

Though the 50,000 jobs are new, McDonald’s usually staffs up for summer anyway, and it’s constantly gaining and losing employees. It added 50,000 new workers in April last year, so Tuesday’s blitz amounts to typical hiring, albeit compressed into a day.

So… yeah. This actual AP Business Writer is showing you morons what’s really going on here. Sure these are “new” jobs, but, they would have hired them anyway. So why do you think you’re so special McDonalds. Hiring people that you would have hired anyway and wanting people to know that you’re hiring people. So what? You want a medal? Is that what you want Ronald? You want a big pretty medal proclaiming how awesome you are for putting 50,000 people to work that you would have put to work anyway? Well okay, you probably, might, could maybe deserve a medal. But… shut up!

The article continued:

With 14,000 U.S. restaurants, Tuesday’s planned additions amount to about three or four new employees per restaurant — the amount that each store is probably usually looking for anyway, said Sara Senatore, an analyst at Sanford C. Bernstein.

Again McDonalds, why the fuck do you think you should get any attention for hiring people that you are probably usually looking for anyway? I mean, just because you probably need them, doesn’t mean that you should do a huge nation wide one day hiring bonanza to actually let it be known that you probably need someone to fill these extra jobs. What are you trying to prove? That telling people you have jobs available might help to get those jobs filled? What a filthy, underhanded, self serving piece of shit ass cunt whore twat bitch mother licking chode kind of move that is McDonalds… You should be ashamed of all of those things I just called you. Shame!

"Remember, you're just a tool in our propaganda... apparently..."
"Remember, youre just a tool in our propaganda... apparently..."

The article also goes on to talk about the stigma attached to McDonalds workspersonship. Because you should be reminded that working at McDonalds is demeaning. It’s below you. Do you really want to have to slink back to McDonalds in your desperate hour of need and work with all of those high school kids, reminding you of the failure that you are while trying to survive this hopefully temporary transition or hardship you find yourself in? Never mind the fact that the average age of a fast food worker has risen from 22 in the year 2000 to almost 30 years old today.

You know who wouldn’t take a job at McDonalds? An asshole. So yeah, fuck McDonalds. Fuck McDonalds for hiring people, fuck McDonalds for telling people it’s hiring people, and fuck McDonalds for screwing over all of it’s grateful, appreciative to be given any opportunity to try to put food on the table, workers. The federal minimum wage right now is $7.25, McDonalds’ Human Resources Vice President says that most of their franchises pay more than that and a full time manager can make anywhere from 32,000 to 50,000 a year. They also say that 30 percent of their executives and 70 percent of their managers started as little more than fry cooks and mop nudgers. But so what? Right economy snobs? You’re still an executive at McDonalds. Right? You’re still a manager at McDonalds. And those assholes make it a big deal that they’re trying to hire tens of thousands of people to work for them for more than minimum wage with a seemingly reasonable amount of upward mobility like they’re some kind of job creating burger barons! The fucking sack on this clown!

Thirteen million people are out of work. Mostly because of shit done to them by other companies, a batrillion times less honest in their motivations than this deliciously unhealthy food shilling man from McDonaldland. You’ve got a company that is trying to put people to work, people who need it, and yeah, they’re doing it in a bit of a flashy way to maybe get a little attention for it and to try to mend a reputation that has been perpetuated by assholes lucky enough to not have to work there, and still you’re going to bitch about it?

Shut up and eat your 6 piece McNuggets fried up for you by the 40 year old guy, happy as fuck to be given the opportunity to do ANYTHING to make some money and just hope like hell that you never find yourself in a position in life where you too might have to rely on the self serving gesture of a company that you despise for no good damned reason.