Books

It's Charles "Mutha Fuckin'" Dickens's Birthday Yo!

Posted on

Happy goddamn 200th birthday Charles D., you ornery quill pen scribblin’ literary pimp. You’re lookin’ pretty good for being a couple Benjamins old, what’s your secret? Bikram yoga? Damn, that’s pretty badass Chuck. You don’t mind if I call you Chuck do ya? I tried that hot yoga shit once and damn near pulled my hammy while runnin’ everyone out of the room with my night before drinking and Del Taco gas, shit, I was blowin’ the tile off the walls that day. Luckily it was a free class, but hells no, I ain’t goin’ back to that sweaty ass shit ever again, so props to you grampa, keep it up.

Don't call it a comeback ... he's been here for years
Hey check this shit out, I think you need to put out a sequel to Tale of Two Cities, but this time you have it set in New York and L.A., you still deal with the major themes of duality and revolution but you concentrate on the East Coast vs. West Coast hip hop scene in the 90’s. Now to tie that shit together with the first book, you can still start it off with “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times”, because that shit is still relevant to this story, know what I’m sayin’? Yeah! And when you put the screenplay together let me play the part of 2Pac, but a white version of him, you know, just to mix that shit all up so it’s all wackity wack, and don’t even get me started on what I’ve been thinkin’ about for the new A Christmas Carol, if we do it right, it’ll be all Avatar up in that beotch. So hit me up later on that.

Ok LISTEN UP EVERYONE!! It’s C-Dick’s birthday bitches, so raise yo 40 in the air and let’s toast to the great great great grandfather of the written word, before typewriters and before computers, and in his own words … “There is nothing so strong or safe in an emergency of life as the simple truth”, well, don’t tell that shit to my Uncle JoJo in cell block 6, and don’t forget to pour some out for your homeys. Happy Birthday C !!

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Monday Rewind (Van Full of Candy's Scratch 'n Sniff eBook)

Posted on

Sometimes when one is very sick, or just doesn’t feel like doing shit, well then, that’s when we recycle … Enjoy this recycled story from many months ago. Recycling … it’s good for the environment, and our readers.
The release of our first online eBook has actually happened and we’re pleased to share it with the world today. Van Full of Candy has partnered with technological powerhouse 3M to create the first ever virtual scratch -n- sniff eBook. After years of scientific study we have been able to harness the only ‘LCD touch and smell technology’ that works on all LCD monitors including laptops. What you are about to experience is a scientific breakthrough that we proudly share with the world.
___________________________________
DIRECTIONS:
Center the image on your screen
With the tip of your finger (not your fingernail) gently rub the image for approximately 3 seconds
Put your face as close to the image as possible and take a good sniff*
___________________________________
*If at first you don’t smell anything, repeat the process. (Being that this is the first time you have done this, there is an LCD “break-in period”. Once you get your first image to produce a scent, all other images will work without issue)
Please give us any feedback in the comments section if your smells did not match the images in the eBook. Thank you all for your loyal dedication to our site and for your help in making the scratch -n- sniff eBook the best it can be.
Enjoy!

***************

CAKES

***************

Strawberry cake is oh so yummy, put a whole bunch in  your tummy

Newborn baby is so cute sleepin’, try not to wake him when you eat him

***************

ROSES

***************

Lovely red roses smell devine, on Valentine’s Day they mean “will you be mine?”

Sometimes roses smell like a dirty old man, don’t get too close or you’ll end up in his van

***************

GINGERBREAD

***************

Warm and sweet straight from the oven, gingerbread gingerbread, we’re all lovin’

We really liked this funny ginger … WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO HIM?!?

***************

FRENCH PERFUME

***************

Mommy likes to wear beautiful perfume, we love how the frangrance fills the room

French whores don’t smell quite as pretty, but for $20 extra you can fondle her titties

***************

LEMONADE

***************

Sweet and sour and icy cold, our favorite summer drink will never get old

Warm and yellow it’s nasty old piss, sometimes it smells like asparagus

***************

CUCUMBER

***************

Garden fresh and crisp and clean, we love them when there very green

Mommy likes cucumbers too, she also has one that’s red and one that’s blue

Monday Rewind (Van Full of Candy’s Scratch ‘n Sniff eBook)

Posted on

Sometimes when one is very sick, or just doesn’t feel like doing shit, well then, that’s when we recycle … Enjoy this recycled story from many months ago. Recycling … it’s good for the environment, and our readers.
The release of our first online eBook has actually happened and we’re pleased to share it with the world today. Van Full of Candy has partnered with technological powerhouse 3M to create the first ever virtual scratch -n- sniff eBook. After years of scientific study we have been able to harness the only ‘LCD touch and smell technology’ that works on all LCD monitors including laptops. What you are about to experience is a scientific breakthrough that we proudly share with the world.
___________________________________
DIRECTIONS:
Center the image on your screen
With the tip of your finger (not your fingernail) gently rub the image for approximately 3 seconds
Put your face as close to the image as possible and take a good sniff*
___________________________________
*If at first you don’t smell anything, repeat the process. (Being that this is the first time you have done this, there is an LCD “break-in period”. Once you get your first image to produce a scent, all other images will work without issue)
Please give us any feedback in the comments section if your smells did not match the images in the eBook. Thank you all for your loyal dedication to our site and for your help in making the scratch -n- sniff eBook the best it can be.
Enjoy!

***************

CAKES

***************

Strawberry cake is oh so yummy, put a whole bunch in  your tummy

Newborn baby is so cute sleepin’, try not to wake him when you eat him

***************

ROSES

***************

Lovely red roses smell devine, on Valentine’s Day they mean “will you be mine?”

Sometimes roses smell like a dirty old man, don’t get too close or you’ll end up in his van

***************

GINGERBREAD

***************

Warm and sweet straight from the oven, gingerbread gingerbread, we’re all lovin’

We really liked this funny ginger … WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO HIM?!?

***************

FRENCH PERFUME

***************

Mommy likes to wear beautiful perfume, we love how the frangrance fills the room

French whores don’t smell quite as pretty, but for $20 extra you can fondle her titties

***************

LEMONADE

***************

Sweet and sour and icy cold, our favorite summer drink will never get old

Warm and yellow it’s nasty old piss, sometimes it smells like asparagus

***************

CUCUMBER

***************

Garden fresh and crisp and clean, we love them when there very green

Mommy likes cucumbers too, she also has one that’s red and one that’s blue

It's Never Too Early to Learn That You're Not Good Enough

Posted on

Hey you, portly meat child, put down that bacon glazed ham turkey and mash your thick, meaty fingers into the keyboard over here, I’ve got something to tell you: You’re not okay!

Did you know that people hate fats. They do. Especially fat children. Nobody hates anything in this world more than they hate rotund rotoddlers. It’s uncomfortable for everyone involved when you have to tell a friend who is the parent of an oval kid how “handsome” of “beautiful” or “not sweating profusely from merely existing” their baby is. Your non-tinyness isn’t just hurting your young circulatory system, but our ability to see your parents as anything but grossly neglectful.

"No, silly Maggie, that dress isn't cake. No! Maggie! SOMEBODY HOLD HER DOWN!"
“No, silly Maggie, that dress isn’t cake. No! Maggie! SOMEBODY HOLD HER DOWN!”

Fortunately, one intrepid author is using the fat kid’s second biggest weakness (behind marshmallow covered chocolate stuffed with marshmallows), to trick them into pulling their shit together: books. Books are to fat kids what friends are to regular, popular, healthy and well adjusted “normal” kids. Fat kids trust books because they take them to places that they might otherwise have to use their over burdened legs to discover. And since most overweight youth can’t get to the outside world to be told how they can never be loved as they are, the wonderful world of self loathing and poor body image are brought home to their cake plates, in the form of “Maggie Goes on a Diet” by Paul Kramer.

See Maggie is a fat little red headed 14 year old girl who:

“has so much potential that has been hiding under her extra weight.”

Because as everyone knows, you can never reach your full potential if your gut keeps getting in the way. It’s so far, and your arms are so heavy with internally stored ice cream! You see, your personal and professional successes are directly associated to your Body Mass Index. Think of it as your ranking as a human being. The lower, the less disgusting.

“This inspiring story is about a 14-year old who goes on a diet and is transformed from being overweight and insecure to a normal sized teen…”

Now, to be fair, Maggie almost IS a normal sized teen, and more than likely in the next hand full of years, WILL be. One in three American kids is overweight or obese, so the Largeican Americans are going to stop being the minority soon and then the thins are going to have to watch their tender, bony asses.

“Through time, exercise and hard work, Maggie becomes more and more confident and develops a positive self-image”

Everyone knows that fatties hate themselves, so they eat. Then they hate themselves for eating, and they eat some more, which makes them fatter and more eatie. Books like these, telling fat people that they’re fat and will never be happy until they stop being fat are exactly what is going to save our children. No amount of responsible parenting or thoughtful food choices for your children can do as much to benefit your child as a picture book with “normal” sized kids calling a little cartoon girl “fatty” and “chubby”.

Another of Mr. Kramer's books, apparently featuring sinister drops of piss...
Another of Mr. Kramer’s books, apparently featuring sinister drops of piss…

So while this book isn’t due out until October it’s already gotten people (fat people) up in arms (fat arms). People who say that targeting the insecurities of young girls and enforcing negative body image stigmas is somehow “wrong” and “evil” and “yum, butter!” But those people are clearly just trying to invent a problem where there is none. Of course, author Paul Kramer knows that a 14 year old shouldn’t be dieting, in fact, he told Fox News that very thing.

“I’m not advocating, never did, that any child should go on a diet.” said Mr. Kramer while apparently not promoting his book about a dieting teen.

So there, you’re all getting it wrong fatty lovers. When Mr. Kramer said “Maggie Goes on a Diet”, what he CLEARLY meant was “Maggie Makes Sound Personal Dietary Choices, Resulting in a Better Over All Lifestyle, Which Coupled With Exercise Can and Often Will Result in a Healthier Maggie For Years to Come, Rather Than the Potential Weight Loss Roller Coaster of Dieting”… But everyone knows that the most expensive part of self publishing a book is paying for extra cover words. Which is why my autobiography is going to be titled “Book”. And don’t worry fatty, it’ll be your best friend and take you on the magical journey of the most awesome humorist to ever ride the internets.

It’s Never Too Early to Learn That You’re Not Good Enough

Posted on Updated on

Hey you, portly meat child, put down that bacon glazed ham turkey and mash your thick, meaty fingers into the keyboard over here, I’ve got something to tell you: You’re not okay!

Did you know that people hate fats. They do. Especially fat children. Nobody hates anything in this world more than they hate rotund rotoddlers. It’s uncomfortable for everyone involved when you have to tell a friend who is the parent of an oval kid how “handsome” of “beautiful” or “not sweating profusely from merely existing” their baby is. Your non-tinyness isn’t just hurting your young circulatory system, but our ability to see your parents as anything but grossly neglectful.

"No, silly Maggie, that dress isn't cake. No! Maggie! SOMEBODY HOLD HER DOWN!"
"No, silly Maggie, that dress isn't cake. No! Maggie! SOMEBODY HOLD HER DOWN!"

Fortunately, one intrepid author is using the fat kid’s second biggest weakness (behind marshmallow covered chocolate stuffed with marshmallows), to trick them into pulling their shit together: books. Books are to fat kids what friends are to regular, popular, healthy and well adjusted “normal” kids. Fat kids trust books because they take them to places that they might otherwise have to use their over burdened legs to discover. And since most overweight youth can’t get to the outside world to be told how they can never be loved as they are, the wonderful world of self loathing and poor body image are brought home to their cake plates, in the form of “Maggie Goes on a Diet” by Paul Kramer.

See Maggie is a fat little red headed 14 year old girl who:

“has so much potential that has been hiding under her extra weight.”

Because as everyone knows, you can never reach your full potential if your gut keeps getting in the way. It’s so far, and your arms are so heavy with internally stored ice cream! You see, your personal and professional successes are directly associated to your Body Mass Index. Think of it as your ranking as a human being. The lower, the less disgusting.

“This inspiring story is about a 14-year old who goes on a diet and is transformed from being overweight and insecure to a normal sized teen…”

Now, to be fair, Maggie almost IS a normal sized teen, and more than likely in the next hand full of years, WILL be. One in three American kids is overweight or obese, so the Largeican Americans are going to stop being the minority soon and then the thins are going to have to watch their tender, bony asses.

“Through time, exercise and hard work, Maggie becomes more and more confident and develops a positive self-image”

Everyone knows that fatties hate themselves, so they eat. Then they hate themselves for eating, and they eat some more, which makes them fatter and more eatie. Books like these, telling fat people that they’re fat and will never be happy until they stop being fat are exactly what is going to save our children. No amount of responsible parenting or thoughtful food choices for your children can do as much to benefit your child as a picture book with “normal” sized kids calling a little cartoon girl “fatty” and “chubby”.

Another of Mr. Kramer's books, apparently featuring sinister drops of piss...
Another of Mr. Kramer's books, apparently featuring sinister drops of piss...

So while this book isn’t due out until October it’s already gotten people (fat people) up in arms (fat arms). People who say that targeting the insecurities of young girls and enforcing negative body image stigmas is somehow “wrong” and “evil” and “yum, butter!” But those people are clearly just trying to invent a problem where there is none. Of course, author Paul Kramer knows that a 14 year old shouldn’t be dieting, in fact, he told Fox News that very thing.

“I’m not advocating, never did, that any child should go on a diet.” said Mr. Kramer while apparently not promoting his book about a dieting teen.

So there, you’re all getting it wrong fatty lovers. When Mr. Kramer said “Maggie Goes on a Diet”, what he CLEARLY meant was “Maggie Makes Sound Personal Dietary Choices, Resulting in a Better Over All Lifestyle, Which Coupled With Exercise Can and Often Will Result in a Healthier Maggie For Years to Come, Rather Than the Potential Weight Loss Roller Coaster of Dieting”… But everyone knows that the most expensive part of self publishing a book is paying for extra cover words. Which is why my autobiography is going to be titled “Book”. And don’t worry fatty, it’ll be your best friend and take you on the magical journey of the most awesome humorist to ever ride the internets.

VFoC’s Scratch -n- Sniff eBook

Posted on Updated on

The release of our first online eBook has actually happened and we’re pleased to share it with the world today. Van Full of Candy has partnered with technological powerhouse 3M to create the first ever virtual scratch -n- sniff eBook. After years of scientific study we have been able to harness the only ‘LCD touch and smell technology’ that works on all LCD monitors including laptops. What you are about to experience is a scientific breakthrough that we proudly share with the world.
___________________________________
DIRECTIONS:
Center the image on your screen
With the tip of your finger (not your fingernail) gently rub the image for approximately 3 seconds
Put your face as close to the image as possible and take a good sniff*
___________________________________
*If at first you don’t smell anything, repeat the process. (Being that this is the first time you have done this, there is an LCD “break-in period”. Once you get your first image to produce a scent, all other images will work without issue)
Please give us any feedback in the comments section if your smells did not match the images in the eBook. Thank you all for your loyal dedication to our site and for your help in making the scratch -n- sniff eBook the best it can be.
Enjoy!

***************

CAKES

***************

Strawberry cake is oh so yummy, put a whole bunch in  your tummy

Newborn baby is so cute sleepin’, try not to wake him when you eat him

***************

ROSES

***************

Lovely red roses smell devine, on Valentine’s Day they mean “will you be mine?”

Sometimes roses smell like a dirty old man, don’t get too close or you’ll end up in his van

***************

GINGERBREAD

***************

Warm and sweet straight from the oven, gingerbread gingerbread, we’re all lovin’

We really liked this funny ginger … WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO HIM?!?

***************

FRENCH PERFUME

***************

Mommy likes to wear beautiful perfume, we love how the frangrance fills the room

French whores don’t smell quite as pretty, but for $20 extra you can fondle her titties

***************

LEMONADE

***************

Sweet and sour and icy cold, our favorite summer drink will never get old

Warm and yellow it’s nasty old piss, sometimes it smells like asparagus

***************

CUCUMBER

***************

Garden fresh and crisp and clean, we love them when there very green

Mommy likes cucumbers too, she also has one that’s red and one that’s blue

VFoC's Scratch -n- Sniff eBook

Posted on

The release of our first online eBook has actually happened and we’re pleased to share it with the world today. Van Full of Candy has partnered with technological powerhouse 3M to create the first ever virtual scratch -n- sniff eBook. After years of scientific study we have been able to harness the only ‘LCD touch and smell technology’ that works on all LCD monitors including laptops. What you are about to experience is a scientific breakthrough that we proudly share with the world.
___________________________________
DIRECTIONS:
Center the image on your screen
With the tip of your finger (not your fingernail) gently rub the image for approximately 3 seconds
Put your face as close to the image as possible and take a good sniff*
___________________________________
*If at first you don’t smell anything, repeat the process. (Being that this is the first time you have done this, there is an LCD “break-in period”. Once you get your first image to produce a scent, all other images will work without issue)
Please give us any feedback in the comments section if your smells did not match the images in the eBook. Thank you all for your loyal dedication to our site and for your help in making the scratch -n- sniff eBook the best it can be.
Enjoy!

***************

CAKES

***************

Strawberry cake is oh so yummy, put a whole bunch in  your tummy

Newborn baby is so cute sleepin’, try not to wake him when you eat him

***************

ROSES

***************

Lovely red roses smell devine, on Valentine’s Day they mean “will you be mine?”

Sometimes roses smell like a dirty old man, don’t get too close or you’ll end up in his van

***************

GINGERBREAD

***************

Warm and sweet straight from the oven, gingerbread gingerbread, we’re all lovin’

We really liked this funny ginger … WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO HIM?!?

***************

FRENCH PERFUME

***************

Mommy likes to wear beautiful perfume, we love how the frangrance fills the room

French whores don’t smell quite as pretty, but for $20 extra you can fondle her titties

***************

LEMONADE

***************

Sweet and sour and icy cold, our favorite summer drink will never get old

Warm and yellow it’s nasty old piss, sometimes it smells like asparagus

***************

CUCUMBER

***************

Garden fresh and crisp and clean, we love them when there very green

Mommy likes cucumbers too, she also has one that’s red and one that’s blue