Apple

I’m Blogging Live In Line Waiting To Buy an iPhone 4S

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Hey everyone, Jason here from VFoC blogging live from a line in front of the mall waiting to get in so I can make the mad dash to the Apple store and buy my unexpensive iPhone 4S. The strange thing about this is that I have an iPhone 4, which is less than a year old, but since I updated my iOS to 5 yesterday, my iPhone 4 just vibrates and sticks on the letter “W” when I’m typing in an address in the Maps App. Fuck you Steve Jobs.

Oh wait !! Wow, this is even more uncomfortable than having sex with a melon, I just found out that Steve Jobs died. WTHFSITAA ??? If you want to know what that acronym is, then email me directly at vanfullofcandy@gmail.com or leave a fucking goddamn comment on this post you good for nothing fans who only come here to get your fix and then leave without ANYTHING in return. Or just go to Twitter and send @vanfullofcandy a message telling me what you think it means and the person who gets it right gets a brand new, well, slightly new iPhone 4*.

Sorry bro, didn't know (wink, wink)

So yeah … wow, I totally want to apologize now for swearing the F bomb profanity at a dead man, that was way rude, but I’m just so out of touch with what’s going on out there in the real world. What a dick I am … I hope nobody holds this against me, I mean SHIT, I didn’t know he was dead. I figured with the new phone coming out and the new iTunes and the update to my phone which pretty much turned it into a cassette-tape size paperweight that he was still around. And we all know he is … come on, he just had a fucking space station designed here in our great state of Cali. Don’t tell me he’s not hiding in there with 2-Pac and Biggy Smalls.

Anyway, I need to stand up stretch because I’ve got at least another 10 hours before they open this bitch up so I can get my hands on a new iPhone.

*Totally lying so don’t EVEN !!

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I'm Blogging Live In Line Waiting To Buy an iPhone 4S

Posted on

Hey everyone, Jason here from VFoC blogging live from a line in front of the mall waiting to get in so I can make the mad dash to the Apple store and buy my unexpensive iPhone 4S. The strange thing about this is that I have an iPhone 4, which is less than a year old, but since I updated my iOS to 5 yesterday, my iPhone 4 just vibrates and sticks on the letter “W” when I’m typing in an address in the Maps App. Fuck you Steve Jobs.

Oh wait !! Wow, this is even more uncomfortable than having sex with a melon, I just found out that Steve Jobs died. WTHFSITAA ??? If you want to know what that acronym is, then email me directly at vanfullofcandy@gmail.com or leave a fucking goddamn comment on this post you good for nothing fans who only come here to get your fix and then leave without ANYTHING in return. Or just go to Twitter and send @vanfullofcandy a message telling me what you think it means and the person who gets it right gets a brand new, well, slightly new iPhone 4*.

Sorry bro, didn’t know (wink, wink)

So yeah … wow, I totally want to apologize now for swearing the F bomb profanity at a dead man, that was way rude, but I’m just so out of touch with what’s going on out there in the real world. What a dick I am … I hope nobody holds this against me, I mean SHIT, I didn’t know he was dead. I figured with the new phone coming out and the new iTunes and the update to my phone which pretty much turned it into a cassette-tape size paperweight that he was still around. And we all know he is … come on, he just had a fucking space station designed here in our great state of Cali. Don’t tell me he’s not hiding in there with 2-Pac and Biggy Smalls.

Anyway, I need to stand up stretch because I’ve got at least another 10 hours before they open this bitch up so I can get my hands on a new iPhone.

*Totally lying so don’t EVEN !!

A Priest, A Rabbi and an iPhone 5 Walk Into a Bar …

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Ahhh, just have one more ... what's it gonna hurt ??

… the bartender says, “What’ll it be fellas?”. The iPhone says, “I don’t know about these two stiffs, but I wanna tie one on and go home with a stranger.”.

Ok, so WTF Apple employees? This is beginning to be some sort of alcohol induced habit. You get your prototype, you go out drinking, and you leave that shit on the bar? Come on !!

For those of you who haven’t heard yet, an iPhone 5 prototype was left in a Tequila bar in the Mission District of San Francisco, Cava 22. After researching this bar, only for the purposes of this story obviously, I’ve uncovered that the place is alive with Mariachi bands and margaritas, so I guess I could see how one would “lose” their top secret, priceless, iPhone 5 prototype in the midst of happy hour (from 4-7pm), tequila shots, music, laughing and the occasional fiesta induced shoulder shimmy with the cute stranger next to you. The phone was then sold on Craigslist for a measly $200 to an unknown party. The phone was electronically tracked down to a residence in San Francisco, but the person living there denies knowing anything about the phone. Yeah right!

And our next song is called "El Stupido Engineero"

Now lets shift our focus on the abundant conspiracies that emerge from this “mistake”.

1. “The Obvious” – In an attempt to create another iPhone release frenzy (since this happened with the iPhone 4 last year), Steve Jobs (or maybe even me now), gives one of his engineers a prototype iPhone, a crisp $100 bill, and then tells this patsy to go out on the town, have a little fun and, whoopsie, accidentally leave it on the bar before he takes his drunk ass home in a cab.

2. “The Over Your Limit” – In an attempt to get some free advertising for their restaurant, an opportunistic Cava 22 manager overhears the engineer bragging about how he has the new iPhone 5 prototype on his person. Said manager then secretly tells the bartender to make this Apple geek’s drinks a little bit stronger than usual, and offering him the occasional celebratory shot of tequila until he can’t stand on his own. The manager calls a cab for the drunkard engineer and pick-pockets him as he helps him towards the cab outside.

3. “The Whore Theory” – The iPhone 5, always playing second fiddle to it’s hot sister the iPhone 4, decides in a fit of rage, and body image issues, to turn to a life of harlotry. She jumps from the pocket of the drunk engineer, lands on the bar, and sells herself for $200 on Craigslist for a USB insertion fix of being charged to 100%. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, that’ll take the edge off.

Free iPhone 4 … All You Have To Do Is Wash Your Hands !!

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If only ...

I know that we have an affinity for our technical devices these days. Not just an affinity, but for most of us, they are an attachment of our arms just past our hands and sometimes to our ears. And for those of us who need this certain device within at least 10 feet of our person to feel any sort of calm, then if you’ve ever been 11 feet or more away from  your little black graham cracker for any more than 5 minutes then you’ll understand the violent withdrawal I had this last  weekend when I actually “lost” my phone for about 40 minutes. Let’s get into the story of this horrible hour.

I was at a pool party this past Saturday at the complex in which I live which was wonderfully catered by El Pollo Loco with sodas and bottled water galore. There was a salsa “bar”, an iPod playing music and … a god damn snow-cone machine with count them … 3 different flavors. This was a downright shindig, not to mention the parade of bikinis and high heels. I partook of the food, the drink, the blue ice, and even took a little dip in the pool to cool my overheating body. As I got out of the pool I decided it was time to take a visit to the clubhouse restroom to relieve the litres of H2O flowing through my bladder. I went to the area where my towel was lying on the grass with my keys, wallet and pacemaker iPhone. I threw on my shirt, slipped into my flip-flops and grabbed my gorgeous, sexy, black little shiny friend and headed to the John.

As I entered the muggy men’s room, I realized I was alone and needed somewhere to place my phone since my swim trunks were soaking wet and would never set it on a urinal. The sink area was wet and the only place that was dry was the soap dispenser mounted on the mirror. I placed my precious on top of the soap dispenser and took care of business. As I started washing my hands, the door opened and a couple of guys entered, we exchanged “how’s it going’s” and went about our summer pool party ways.

My free gift to you if you aren't a filthy man

After the chicken disappeared and the snow cones were nothing more than a pool of bluish fruit punch puddle on the ground, it was time to exit gracefully sans sunburn. I made it back to my humble abode, showered and got ready for the rest of my crazy Saturday. I sat on the couch, turned on the box looking for some sort of sporting event so I could reflect on my own laziness. The dozens of minutes passed when my muscle memory reached for my phone and it wasn’t where it usually lies waiting for my touch. Hmmmm, it must be on the charger in the kitchen. But it wasn’t. Well that’s strange. It must be in the bedroom since I had to change out of my wet bathing suit earlier. But it wasn’t. What the FUCK?? Where could it be? I need my GODDAMN phone and I need it now !!! For what? I don’t know, it’s like my blankie. It wasn’t anywhere, something was wrong, I must have left it at the pool party. FUCK !!! It’s lost, it’s gone forever !! Back to the crime scene.

I ran back to the pool area and asked all the caterers if they had found an iPhone or if some honest person turned it in after finding it. But no, there was no phone turned in. F !! It’s gone forever !! But wait … it hit me … the bathroom … I left it on the soap dispenser in the bathroom. There’s no way it’s still there. A free iPhone just left out for anyone to slip in their pocket and disappear forever, I knew it was gone. I trotted to the bathroom as quickly yet not desperately as I possibly could. I entered the clubhouse, walked swiftly with a forced smile on my face as I passed other people enjoying the cookies and conversastion.

The door swung open as my eyes went straight to the sink area, particularly the soap dispenser. HOLY JESUS CHRIST IT WAS STILL THERE !! How could that be? It was like a pot of honey laid before a bear and the bear decided … “no, I’m gonna pass”. But what I realized, is that the safest place to place anything of value is in a men’s restroom on top of the soap dispenser, because, well, men just don’t wash their hands after they touch themselves during the peepee session. So men, here’s an honest thank you from the bottom of my smartphone addictive heart. Thank you for not washing your hands !!

Happy Birthday iPhone, You Skinny Bitch

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Wow, I can’t believe that it’s been four whole years since we started dating. It only seems like yesterday when your camera only had 2 megapixels and you still had your cute baby fat which I was really attracted to. You were such a simpler girlfriend back then, so much nicer, you used to be so attentive to my needs, God I miss those days. Over the years you’ve changed. You started working out, tanning, getting your hair colored and even started yoga even though you said you hated it. You’ve started dressing different now that you’re so svelte and it seems you hardly even notice me anymore since you’ve become so “Hollywood”. I’ve just become “that guy who carries me around”, and that really hurts because I have a name damnit.

I remember when you used to weigh 135 grams. Yes I said it, I know you don’t want anyone to know how big you used to be, but since our relationship is going downhill, I’m going to air out all of our dirty laundry right here, right now! I used to lovingly lug you around in my pocket, and trust me it wasn’t easy back then, but sacrifice is how relationships work. I loved you, and you loved me and nothing else mattered. But now you have competition with that new sexy Android slut, and even though I would never look at her in a lustful way, your jealousy is getting the best of you. I understand if you’re looking for a way out of what we have, but let me tell you, you’re making a huge mistake. She’s sexy yes, but you are my true love! True, I may have held her a couple of times and commented on her gigantic screen, but none of that matters. You’re way hotter than her. I don’t care if you enlarged your screens, got lasik surgery for better sight, increased your knowledge with those fancy French and pottery classes you’ve been taking. I don’t care that you’ve lost 3.5 mm from your waist, I used to adore those cute love handles. Remember how I would grab on to those babies? Smacking that ass, your loud ringtones going off, and how hot your battery charger used to get  when I was all up in … sorry … I’m losing focus, but you know what I mean.

I hope this letter reaches you well, and I really do hope that you’ve found your true happiness out there wherever it may be. But just know that there’s a guy out there that still really cares about you regardless of what you look like, because he knows the real you and I don’t even care that you’ve gained 2 grams over the years. A guy who will always be there for you if you ever choose to return, and still smiles when he thinks about the fun times we used to have in the car with Shazam.

Happy Birthday

The Official VFoC Music Video (Sorta) In The Works!

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Oh god, we’re ruined!

Let me explain…

Tally Hall's new album "Good & Evil", avaliable now!
Tally Hall's new album "Good & Evil", avaliable now!

I’m (Jesse) a huge fan of Tally Hall (going to see them at the Troubadour, August 2nd, let me know if you’ll be there, we can hang, maybe become besties and braid each other’s hair…) a difficult to categorize and describe indy band out of Ann Arbor, Michigan. I found them a couple years ago quite by accident, as almost all good musical finds happen. A couple weeks ago I pre-ordered their new album “Good & Evil” (released yesterday and available on iTunes and at Quack Media. After getting a link in my e-mail to check out the free streaming preview of the new album, I discovered another link, promoting Tally Hall writing and recording your own personal theme song. I was ecstatic, and as such, did not read very clearly the entire sentence. I assumed that all pre-order customers had been selected to receive a customized theme song from my new favorite band.

Well, that was all I needed to hear. I ran out and bought (not rented, BOUGHT) hundreds of thousands of dozens of dollars worth of equipment, the type of equipment somehow didn’t seem to matter. I bought lights, cameras, rototillers, gas ranges, more lights, a retired soviet communications satellite, all to make what in my mind was going to be the single greatest music video in the history of musicalized videography! I realize now that this was probably incredibly dumb and made very little sense, but at the time it somehow sounded like the most rational thing in the world…

After re-reading the web page at the insistence of Jason, I discovered that I had in fact entirely misread almost all of what I thought as the only true fact in the world. In fact we were merely entering into a CONTEST to potentially, maybe possibly win a theme song… Perhaps… In theory…

Now, we can clearly see that this is more of a raffle than much of a contest. It seems we post the information on our twitter and or Facebook feeds, and that is likely meant to be that. But frankly, I’ve sunken several life’s savings into all of this hardware and am somehow three weeks into filming of our multi-dollar music video, despite having just learned of the possibility roughly 18 hours ago… So we figured, we might as well make our love of and adoration for Tally Hall known, hoping to somehow sway the hat that the collective entrant’s names will almost certainly be drawn from. Assuming that a hat can be cajoled, and given my proclivity for believing in things entirely impossible, I don’t see how this could possibly fail.

So check out  “Good & Evil” the new album from Tally Hall and tell ’em Van Full of Candy sent ya! Best case scenario, we end up with the most awesomest theme song that ever awesomed a theme. Worst case, we’ve potentially introduced the incredible sounds of Tally Hall to thousands of new, unsuspecting ears. Either way, worth our time.

iVan Full Of Candy : The Cloud Edition

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We're in the cloud bitches ... where YOU at?

With all this fancy talk about clouds and keeping your music in a cloud and files in a cloud and pudding in a cloud, we here at Van Full of Candy have decided to officially change our name to iVan Full of Candy. Yes, you heard me correctly, we are now in the goddamn holy freakin’ cloud and we love it up here. You can totally see everything from our new heavenly seat, and when we spit, it takes FOREVER to hit the ground.

So here’s what iVan Full of Candy is introducing to our dearest van riders, and then to the world … we call it … iCandy. Instead of carrying your bag fulls of candy around with you everywhere, for $10.99/year you can keep all of your candy in our van-cloud. That’s right, no more worrying about losing candy, or transferring candy from bag to a larger bag, or even the worry of keeping your candy updated and fresh. Your candy at home will be the same as your candy at work which will be the same as your candy in the car, all done wirelessly. With our very affordable yearly subscription to iCandy, all you do is upload all you candy to our cloud, and if it’s stolen candy or not, we will give you totally awesome, fresh, candy no questions asked! How awesome is that? Even if your candy is melted or even half eaten, once it’s in our cloud, it’s like brand new for your enjoyment as long as you continue to pay the subscription. iCandy does it all for you and … it just works!! We’re also giving you 2LB of storage for free. However, once you decide to end your subscription, all the awesome candy goes away, and your stuck with your dirty ass candy from Mexico.

Am I at work or at home? It's awesome candy EVERYWHERE !!!

So get your asses on the cloud with us, and let’s get this vancandypartycloudravediscothing going!! We accept PayPal.