Addiction

Say Hello to Vancouver’s Crack Pipe Vending Machines

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Alright Canada, we get it, you’ve got your fancy ass free health care for every animal that crawls, hops and slithers, meanwhile we have to fight for five years to make ours only slightly less terrible. But now your crack addicts get better access to their “medicine” than your average American wage slave thanks to free crack pipe dispensing vending machines? What’s that aboot?

Originally posted on Your Daily Media

How many times has this happened to you? You’re walking around Vancouver’s lovely/dangerous Downtown Eastside district when you realize you’ve lost your favorite crack pipe. You know, the chipped up one that you use to transmit HIV and Hepatitis C with? How ever will you get your daily Boost?! Well fret no longer, rock-smoking Canadians, your prayers have been answered in the form of the Portland Hotel Society’s, Drug Users Resource Centre and their brand spankin’ new crack pipe vending machines!

Mmm, it all looks so good, where do I start ruining my life?

Now, for just 25 cents you can purchase a brand new durable pyrex peezo from these machines so that you can partake in your scrabble safely!

It’s a move that Kailin See, director of the DURC, told reporters is “…about increasing access to safer inhalation supplies in the Downtown Eastside,” apparently renown as Canada’s poorest postal code. See, the big health issue (you know, aside from smoking crack) is that users who keep blasting some shoddy old space ship, risk the too-real-hazard of potentially chipping their horn, thus making them prone to cutting the drug users’ mouth, and thus more thus, making them more prone to the spread of communicable diseases.

And while making crack smoking safer for those who are cripplingly addicted might seem like a decent and humane thing to do, there are those who see it differently. Like, for example, the Minister of Public Safety Steven Blaney who said he supports treatment that ends drug use, including “limiting access to drug paraphernalia” by youth. Because, as we all know, the only thing keeping Canadia’s youth from all becoming raging gravel heads, is easy access to safe pipes with which to smoke their crumbs.

Look kids, a treasure map! And “X” marks the doub!

He went on to remind everyone who’d forgotten, that “Drug use damages the health of individuals and the safety of our communities,” So the best way to combat that of course, it to make sure that it continues to be as unhealthy and unsafe as possible.

via: Your Daily Media

Celebrating National Prevention Week the VFoC Way

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It’s safe to say that the medical community and I often don’t see eye to eye. What they call a cancerous tumor ravaging an otherwise perfectly healthy body, I like to think of as a super excited lump of meat, just trying to make friends with the rest of your organs as quickly as possible. That’s probably why it’s highly illegal for me to offer unsolicited medical advice to anyone but the irretractably dead anymore.

I’m also often at odds with the “blame everybody but myself”ers who have transformed the over indulgence of every delicious vice and deviance from a lapse in personal responsibility and self control, to a disease, so much bigger than themselves that they can’t possibly be held responsible for their entirely personal actions. When our parents and grand parents were growing up, you didn’t suffer from the disease of alcoholism, you were just fun at parties. You weren’t a sex addict, you just knew how to talk to ladies about how cold your penis was and how selfish it was of them to not share all their warm places. Today anything that you can get yourself in trouble for doing too much of is a debilitating disorder, so completely and utterly out of the sufferer’s control that awareness needs be brought to it by way of a special week dedicated to making others more aware that you’re a victim of biology and toxins and not just an irresponsible ass.

Which brings me to Van Full of Candy’s celebration of “National Prevention Week”! Often with these awareness weeks I don’t hear about them until about halfway through the week and it then seems silly to try to join the festivities when the party’s almost over. So I’m happy as a junkie at a needle exchange that I found National Prevention Week right at the kick off! And as such, all this week I am going to be doing what I can to bring awareness to the peril of having too much fun and then blaming everyone else, up to and including the vengeful demons in your blood that angry up your humors, for your problems with being able to control yourself in the face of fun.

With that in mind, we kick off National Prevention Week festivities today with: Prevention of Underage Drinking! Wooo!

Cheers, to awareness!
Cheers, to awareness!

Now, there doesn’t really seem to be much, that I can think of, that I can do to celebrate or bring awareness to this issue. I’m not underage. I mean, I’m under some ages, just not the specific ones I’m fairly certain they’re referencing. I myself didn’t participate in any sort of underage drinking, which is probably why my under ages were boring as hell. So, short of getting a baby drunk and then telling it it’s a bad person, which I’m almost certain is somehow illegal, all I can say on the subject is: the underaged are going to drink. Not all of them mind you, but some of them, and while teens being stupid isn’t necessarily the best thing, we have to accept that it’s going to happen and try to educate on safety and responsibility. I know personal responsibility is a dirty word and it’s much easier to blame the world’s problems on not being able to do anything personally about them, but let’s not be stupid, stupid. Abstinence only education, be it sex based, drug based or alcohol based is not the best way to go about things. Tell a teen not to do something without trusting them as human beings and borderline adult enough to talk seriously about repercussions, but instead just leave them with “Because I the fuck said so” and you’re basically telling them, “There’s this awesome thing that you’re going to get to choose whether or not to do some day on your own, but for no damned good reason I’m forbidding you from doing it now.” And you tell that to anyone, no matter their age, and the natural and correct reaction will be “Fuck you, that sounds like I want it in me!” and how can you blame ’em. So isn’t it better to teach people how to do things responsibly, from someone who has experience with the issue, rather than leaving the teaching up to their peers who don’t know fuck all about what they’re doing and are only compounding the potential dangers with their ignorance?

You were young and stupid once, don’t you wish someone had talked to you like a human being about things before you got out there and did everything wrong? But it’s all uncomfortable and embarrassing and stuff, I know. You’re right, it’s just a whole lot easier for everyone involved to just not talk to your children and blame society later.

So there’s my contribution to National Prevention Week’s Monday festivities. Let’s see what else this week long celebration of awareness holds, shall we?:

Tuesday, May 22nd is “Prevention of Prescription Drug Abuse and Illicit Drug Use”

While Wednesday, May 23rd, my actual real life birthday, just happens to fall, unironically, on “Prevention of Alcohol Abuse”

This is going to be the best birthday week EVER!

Who wants to buy me a round of awareness?!

Coffee Can Suck It … I'm Huffing My Caffeine !!

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Let’s be honest with ourselves, coffee tastes like shit! But that black liquid crack ass drink can be doctored up enough with 4 or 5 Splenda, 1/4 cup of half & half, a little cinnamon on top and BAMMM!! Something tolerable. But then you really need to take into consideration all the time and preparation it takes to get your fix to that point of consumption.

First, if you don’t have a coffee maker in your nasty little apartment, you’ll need to venture out into the world. Yes that’s right, that horrible place where people are, and they judge, you KNOW they judge, especially those snobs at Peet’s and Starbucks. Who the F do they think they are, record store workers? And don’t even get me started on those bitches!! Next you’ll need to walk, bike or drive to said coffee place, and that’s never fun because to get to that point you have to get dressed enough to not be arrested for public indecency. Then the wait! Oh that goddamned wait in line can take up to 3 or 4 minutes sometimes, and we all know we don’t have the time, patience or energy for that shit. I suppose you COULD do a drive-thru, but are there really any Starbuck’s drive-thru’s when you need one? No. The only ones you ever see are about 7 minutes after you’ve had your coffee, or a McDonald’s trying to trick you into drinking their coffee made out of corn. EFF!! And lets not mention the $3.47 price tag for said drink of choice.

Those days are finally over people. Let us rejoice in the newly found brilliance brought to us by the fine people at Aeroshot Energy. These brilliant people have put together some coffee sorcery and created a shotgun shell full of instant pizzazz. You take this bullet of happiness, put it in your mouth, and inhale. Instant cup of coffee in your lungs. YES! Breathe it all on in kiddy’s. And the icing on the cake? No calories. Yeah, nada, zip, zilch. So you can now live like a complete guilt free wired beyond comprehension recluse.

She is SO excited for happiness in her mouth!

Weight Loss & Muscle Gain … The Van Full of Candy Way

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We all overate this past week, and we’re all still eating the leftovers pretending those calories don’t count, well, because they’re leftovers and only the original three meals make us fat. Well if you want to melt those holiday pounds right off your skeleton, then look no further. We here at Van Full of Candy always have our finger on the pulse of healthy living and lean muscle mass … gaining. Trust me, it sounds bad, but it’s actually good.

Our friends at Optimum Nutrition really love us, so they’re always keeping us up to date on the latest health supplements and products that make you feel wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired, in a healthy way, not like that other drink that Jesse likes so much. This shit is legit. So thank you to our dear friends, and hopefully future SPONSORS, hint hint, Optimum Nutrition for hookin’ us up with the real good junk.

Address blurred for YOUR protection, trust me

Upon opening the envelope of nutritional bounty, many yummy products spilled out like little packs of crack. Once you get a small taste of the pure uncut stuff you’ll be back for more.

Look at the pretty colors ... I want to put it in my body

I didn’t have time to read the actual “directions” that Optimum Nutrition carefully places on every packet, but once I got past having to get a glass of water and a spoon to stir, I lost interest and did it the Van Full of Candy way.

I want to lose weight NOWWWWWWWW !!

Now for you video entertainment enjoyment, please enjoy my award winning video that won me 100 lbs. of Optimum Nutrition Whey Protein. You’d think I’d be in better shape with all this healthy stuff, but apparently you’re supposed to workout, psh, who has time for that?

RealDoll : Necrophilia Edition

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In the modern world of online dating, and the availability of “adult services” all over the internet, one would think that hookin’ up with someone shouldn’t be too difficult. There are so many ways to go out and find yourself a live warm one to take home with you, and whether that leads to 1st Base action and a kiss on the cheek goodnight, or slammin’ a homerun with two hookers dressed like characters from Hogan’s Heroes feeding you sushi rolls with their baby-oiled feet, there are unlimited numbers of ways to make it happen. Craigslist. Match.com. Swingersspace.com. Christianmingle.com. Hookerswithbabyoiledfeet.com.

Wearing the Hitler stache is gonna cost you extra

You want it, there’s a website for your favorite flavor, and for the right price, it’s yours. Hell, you could even take yourself a shower, put on some big boy/girl clothes and go to a bar, get yourself and a willing participant liquored up and hey, the world is your oyster (on the half shell) ((Aphrodisiac reference, kinda fits)).

So when I read a story about a Russian guy in Russia (is it even Russia anymore?) who was caught with 29 female corpses in his house that he dug up from various cemeteries over the last year, and then dressed them up like dolls, the only question that immediately jumped into my mind was … “Where in the hell did they all sit?”. I mean I’ve got room for about 5 or 6 people on the couch and various chairs, MAYBE 8 or 9 if I use the dining room chairs, and the 4 or 5 people who sit on the floor, I’m good for a strong 13 people max. But 29? That’s a freakin’ wedding reception, I’d have to rent a hall, white plastic chairs, tables, linen and obviously a DJ to entertain those freeloaders.

I don't need no stinkin' drinks ... let's get NASTY !!

Then the second question races in … “Did you get anyone to help?”. Seriously, that’s a lot of labor. Scoping out the cemetery, learning the timing of security, groundskeepers, foot traffic, road traffic, lighting, digging, lifting, cleaning up afterwards, driving them home, hauling them inside without anybody seeing, dressing them like a Madame Alexander, propping them up, making sure they’re comfy. AND THAT’S JUST ONE !!! Now go and repeat that craziness another 28 times? No thank you. I remember how hard it was just to go into my own backyard and pick up dog shit with a hand trowel and a plastic grocery bag.

So hats off to you Anatoly Moskvin, that is some serious dedication and devotion to never being lonely. And it just goes to show that not everybody needs a computer, a website and a credit card to find Mr. or Mrs. Right, just a sturdy shovel and a little bit of elbow grease … just like how our great-grandparents used to do it.

Smoking DOESN’T Cause Cancer Anymore … So Smoke ‘Em If You Got ‘Em

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That is so OBVIOUSLY Photoshop'd

Well thank god THAT’S over … for now anyway. Some federal judge has ruled that the “graphic” images of what smoking will do to you are unconstitutional and go against Big Tobacco’s right to free speech, saying that the pictures are “staged”. So what I’m getting out of this is that since the pictures are in fact not real, then smoking cigarettes doesn’t give you cancer and make you dead. This is great news to all of us religious smokers who just love the way it makes us smell and helps keep our taste buds in check, not to mention all the small children who see the ads for cigarettes at eye

Come to Daddy !!

level in convenience stores.

This is a great day for our constitutional rights !! I mean, what’s next? Forcing breweries to place graphic images on 12 packs of beer of what happens when you drink too much?  A picture of a dude with a huge beer belly? A picture of that man/woman that you went home with and what they ACTUALLY looked like the next day? Graphic pictures of drunk driving crashes? That’s just ridiculous … we all know that cigarettes and beer don’t kill people … guns do.

And then what’s next? The desensitizing of these “shocking” pictures? Once we see them hundreds of times a month, they’ll just become normal to us, they won’t “shock” us into not buying these wicked vices that we choose to put in our bodies with our own hard earned money that we make on a bi-monthly basis, these vices that help us deal with the jobs that we have that make us completely stressed out day after day after miserable day working for the man that helps us earn this money that helps us buy these things that assuage our completely broken down spirits so we can cope with waking up the next day and schlepping into the office of your current employment just to do the whole thing over again tonight. We’ll just look at them and say, “hey, that’s uncle Rick”. LET US HAVE OUR CANCER STICKS !! LET US HAVE OUR 12 PACKS OF MEDICINE !! QUIT RUINING EVERY GAWDDAMN THING FOR US FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S F’ING HOLY !!!

The new look of the Happy Meal

So for now, go out and enjoy your cigarettes, drink yourself silly because there’s nothing wrong with it right now until the ruling gets appealed and goes to the Supreme Court. And hopefully nothing comes of it because I’m sure they’ve got an entire ad campaign that they’d love to put on the bags of every McDonald’s and Burger King order.

Here’s a cute little video the FDA made … enjoy !!

Smoking DOESN'T Cause Cancer Anymore … So Smoke 'Em If You Got 'Em

Posted on

That is so OBVIOUSLY Photoshop'd

Well thank god THAT’S over … for now anyway. Some federal judge has ruled that the “graphic” images of what smoking will do to you are unconstitutional and go against Big Tobacco’s right to free speech, saying that the pictures are “staged”. So what I’m getting out of this is that since the pictures are in fact not real, then smoking cigarettes doesn’t give you cancer and make you dead. This is great news to all of us religious smokers who just love the way it makes us smell and helps keep our taste buds in check, not to mention all the small children who see the ads for cigarettes at eye

Come to Daddy !!

level in convenience stores.

This is a great day for our constitutional rights !! I mean, what’s next? Forcing breweries to place graphic images on 12 packs of beer of what happens when you drink too much?  A picture of a dude with a huge beer belly? A picture of that man/woman that you went home with and what they ACTUALLY looked like the next day? Graphic pictures of drunk driving crashes? That’s just ridiculous … we all know that cigarettes and beer don’t kill people … guns do.

And then what’s next? The desensitizing of these “shocking” pictures? Once we see them hundreds of times a month, they’ll just become normal to us, they won’t “shock” us into not buying these wicked vices that we choose to put in our bodies with our own hard earned money that we make on a bi-monthly basis, these vices that help us deal with the jobs that we have that make us completely stressed out day after day after miserable day working for the man that helps us earn this money that helps us buy these things that assuage our completely broken down spirits so we can cope with waking up the next day and schlepping into the office of your current employment just to do the whole thing over again tonight. We’ll just look at them and say, “hey, that’s uncle Rick”. LET US HAVE OUR CANCER STICKS !! LET US HAVE OUR 12 PACKS OF MEDICINE !! QUIT RUINING EVERY GAWDDAMN THING FOR US FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S F’ING HOLY !!!

The new look of the Happy Meal

So for now, go out and enjoy your cigarettes, drink yourself silly because there’s nothing wrong with it right now until the ruling gets appealed and goes to the Supreme Court. And hopefully nothing comes of it because I’m sure they’ve got an entire ad campaign that they’d love to put on the bags of every McDonald’s and Burger King order.

Here’s a cute little video the FDA made … enjoy !!