My Name Sucks Ass … And So Does Yours

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All of our names suck, yours, mine, his, hers, your grandmothers for sure. These ridiculous names passed down from generations, these middle names from an uncle who drinks too much, or grandpa who strangely smelled like Werther’s originals but had no teeth. Agatha, Bertrand, Prudence, Oliver, Sherman … Who in the world would ever keep these for sentimental reasons? You do you say? Well what the hell is wrong with you? You can change your name and you can do it NOW!!

Not only am I a number ... I'm Spanish !!

I wanted to actually write this story about the two professional athletes who have recently changed their names, Ochocinco and Metta World Peace. Even though Ron Artest just recently decided that Ron wasn’t cutting it anymore and went with Metta World Peace, yep, Metta. But these pros get too much attention and money anyway. So, during my extensive research, I stumbled across the most Trans-Am name change you’ll ever find, and he isn’t a superstar, well he is now … in my eyes.

This is what happens when you name your son Ron ... happy mom?

Enter … “Captain Awesome” !! That’s right John, Mary, Jim, Lisa and all the rest of you boringly named unloved people, Captain Awesome is here and he’s kicking ass. Douglas Allen Smith, Jr. from Oregon decided enough was enough, and rightfully so, with one of the most boring names ever, and then insulted with the Jr. at the end, he went out and slapped family history straight in the face, dawned his cape and apparently learned to fly. Did I mention his new signature is “two arrows pointing to a smiley face in the middle”? Dude is awesome and I’m a mere mortal with a name that means nothing. My hat is off to you Doug, err, I mean … Captain … Captain Awesome.

Best signature EVER !!
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4 thoughts on “My Name Sucks Ass … And So Does Yours

    d.a. said:
    September 17, 2011 at 5:51 am

    Think you might mean “donned” his cape, not “dawned”… (oh good gawd, I’ve become one of THOSE internet people!)

      Van Full of Candy responded:
      September 17, 2011 at 2:27 pm

      I actually meant Don’d, but if you notice how late it was when I was writing that crap you wouldn’t be judging me and making me cry on my keyboard. I hate you so much, go away !!

    Monica Hamburg said:
    September 17, 2011 at 7:01 am

    Captain Awesome is a wonderful name! I am considering Captain Obvious now.

      Van Full of Candy responded:
      September 17, 2011 at 2:31 pm

      That would be an obvious choice. Obviously. After mean Deb’s comment below I’m gonna change mine to Sgt. Cantspell.

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