Celebrity News: So Crazy, it’s True

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Celebrities, they’re who we pretend we’re having sex with when we’re just giving it to the ol’ lady because it feels like it’s probably about time that we should. Celebrities live lives that are too ridiculous to be believed most of the time, flying around the world and being interviewed about the latest thing they were filmed pretending to be, like a soldier, or a talking car, or a talking car soldier. They’re just more interesting than regular people, automatically. But some times real life celebrity stories are almost too stupid to be believed. So we at Van Full of Candy present you with this quick little exercise “Celebrity News: Yuh-huh or Nu-uh”. Can you guess which stories are too good to be true and which are just dumb enough to be real? Come along with us and put your celebrity nonsensiscope to the test!
DON'T HURT MY JUSTY-JUST, MR. PEANUT!
DON'T HURT MY JUSTY-JUST, MR. PEANUT!

Justin Bieber Rushed to Hospital for Violent Peanut Alergy

Teen, tween and twinfant heart throb Justin Bieber was whisked away to Atlanta Methodist Hospital late last night when he inadvertantly ingested a candy coated cashew that had been mistakenly sprinkled on the frozen yogurt treat that he customarily shares with an adoring fan during his tender ballad “Baby”.
NU-UH: As far as I know Justin Bieber is impervious to pain. There’s no evidence that I know of that he is not in fact an immortal who’s actually been here since the dawn of history, only now finally making himself known to the world. I can’t say any of those things are true or false, but I do know he wasn’t rushed to the hospital because of legume aversion… And he probably doesn’t call a squealing fan up on stage to share a delicious cup of Fro-yo mid concert… But he should…
Imagine my elbow in your stupid nostril!
Imagine my elbow in your stupid nostril!

James Franco Makes Invisible Art/Sells it for Real Money

When he’s not pursuing a multitude of college degrees, acting in soap operas and major stoner themed motion pictures, guest professoring, being a rock star or modeling on the side, you know, to make ends meet, James Franco is hard at work selling sculptures that he hasn’t sculpted and movies that he hasn’t movied.

YUH-HUH: Absolutely fucking true. Not only that, but apparently Johnny Renaissance has helped this pretentious institution well beyond merely contributing the “film” “Red Leaves” (valued at $25) but also a costume from the film, that I should remind you, doesn’t exist (valued at $50) and a sculpture (which exists just as not as the rest of the previously numerated items but is still somehow valued at a non-imaginary $100), but also helping open MONA, the “Museum of Non-Visible Art”. If he wasn’t violently punchable before, now the fact that he’s selling people imagination just makes we want to pummel his squinty face until his head becomes a found object to be used in another imaginary piece of art.

Oh, it's real alright

Kim Kardashian Gets Her Butt X-Ray’d

Khloe Kardashian posts on her blog, “Hey dolls. The PROOF is in the X-ray. Kim’s ass is 100% real!!!”. Kim Kardashian, trying to disprove the theories that her larger than life ass is real, got it X-ray’d to prove that it has no implants in it whatsoever.
YUH-HUH: This story has got to be one of the biggest wastes of medical resources available. If you have to “prove” that your ass is real, then there’s something wrong with white people everywhere, because I can tell you that there is not a single African American male in this world that would ever ask that question to her. And who cares if it’s fake, look at that damn thing, I just wanna snuggle up in it like a bean bag and watch The Neverending Story with a bowl of popcorn.
We f'ing just pulled off the best stunt ever

Jackass Tricks You Again – Ryan Dunn Is Alive

In one of the biggest publicity stunts ever, Ryan Dunn, Bam Magera and Johnny Knoxville of JackAss come clean that the death of Ryan Dunn was the biggest and best prank that they have ever pulled off. Dunn said about the stunt, “the hardest part of this whole thing wasn’t making people believe I was dead, but it was actually crashing my badass Porsche, oh well, it was worth it cause we got ya’ll good this time”. Reports that the local police and fire-department were also in on the prank made it that much more credible.
NU-UH: Sorry kids, this story is not real, well at least it isn’t real yet. See the problem is, we really don’t know if he’s dead or alive, just like we don’t know most of the shit that is spewed to us through the media box that tells us how to live. We don’t know if these guys pulled a sweet-ass prank on the world, or if he really died since they are the boys-who-cry-wolf of a spectacular fashion. If it is true and Ryan Dunn has passed away, then that sucks, but if he’s alive, then that sucks too because: 1. They got us, and: 2. We didn’ t learn that drinking and driving expensive cars at excessive speeds is dangerous, but that it’s a cool way to stunt for publicity.
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2 thoughts on “Celebrity News: So Crazy, it’s True

    […] for just a moment Justin, if I may. Mariah, Justin is a very special boy to us. We’ve been chronicling Justin Bieber’s crazy year since there’s been a Van Full of Candy. Please, don’t […]

    […] for just a moment Justin, if I may. Mariah, Justin is a very special boy to us. We’ve been chronicling Justin Bieber’s crazy year since there’s been a Van Full of Candy. Please, don’t […]

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