Hey everybody! Looking forward to celebrating the proud Mexican people’s day of Independence!? Well that shit ain’t ’till the middle of September so you’re gonna be dry a long time if that’s what you’re REALLY looking to celebrate. But let’s be honest, that’s not why you’re excited about Cinco de Mayo. We know it’s not why we are. It’s because the fifth of May isn’t about Mexican independence, hell, it’s barely about Mexicans, it’s just another American invented excuse to get shit faced and blame it on the calendar!
Cinco de Mayo is no more about Mexican culture than St. Patrick’s Day is about Irish culture. The both of them are simply about Drinking culture. Which naturally got us to thinking, we’re drunks, we need more excuses for that to be publicly acceptable. And with that in mind Van Full of Candy is proud to present, more vaguely ethnic holiday type events where it’s okay to make a gigantic ass out of yourself in the name of wearing a brightly colored t-shirt proudly exclaiming how you are an ethnicity that you clearly aren’t. For on these days, we are all brothers, we are all drunken Americans!
April 30th – Casimir the Pole Drunky Day
Poland was established around 700BC, but it wasn’t until the “Piast Dynasty” in 1365 that the first “Polish Joke” was accidentally uttered by Casimir III the Great when he asked “How many damn Poles does it take to polish my scepter?” He got huge laughter from everyone in his royal gold room. So much so that he immediately decreed that to be “the first official Polish joke”. He spake this joke on April 30th, which happened to also be on his birthday, so the celebration is of the birth of the joke and also of the king. The celebration in America consists of wearing one’s favorite red & white apparel in honor of the Polish flag. The drinking aspect of the celebration is all about taking shot upon shot of Goldwasser and coming up with the crudest joke possible until somebody is so offended that a bar fight breaks out. After the brawl everybody hugs and makes up and then throws up.
September 8th – Sir Wallace’s Day
To coincide with Braveheart’s original UK theatrical release date, we celebrate the life and liver of Sir William Wallace. What surprises me is with as much as the Scots love to drink, how there isn’t already an excuse holiday in their honor. I mean, there’s a drink named after these punch happy, incomprehensible people! That kind of dedication hasn’t been seen on this planet since the nomadic Schnapps tribes of the third century, finally having run out of drink and having to stop to rest their splitting headaches settled upon a plot of land to call their own and changed their name to “Aztec”. So why don’t we have a drinking holiday celebrating their crazy, drunken culture? Is it because most Americans can’t tell the difference between a Scot and a dirty low down swarthy Irishman? Probably, but we’ll teach them how! Paint your face, slur something about how they can take your empty, but they can never take away your freedom to buy another round, fall down and be peed on. We’re all Scottish today laddie!
December 7th – Super Imbibe Number One Sing Night Go!
Before most people only thought of the Japanese people as dangerously irradiated and damp, they were largely recognized as a quiet, polite, buttoned down people. Of course, they also enjoy the most ridiculous and insane game shows ever devised by asylum inmates, and like their pornography filled with tentacles. The Japanese people are fucking confusing. But one thing is certain, they love Sake. After a hard day at work the Japanese business men will take the train out to the bars, sing karaoke and get absolutely pissed with their bosses. Slobbering drunk and belligerent and then the next day go back into work and resume their quiet work a day roles. The date of Super Imbibe Number One Sing Night Go is an attempt to take back a day that frankly hasn’t lived in infamy for quite some time since most of the Greatest Generation is almost gone by now, and really, it’s for the best, they’ve been making all of the rest of us look kind of shitty for a long time. We’ll feel much better about ourselves and our singing voices as we turn our ties into head bands, belt out some Bon Jovi and celebrate Super Imbibe Number One Sing Night Go! A day that will live in drinkfamy!
December 21 – Railroad of Death Day
In the year 1941, Japan really really wanted to get to the Malayan frontier probably to call it their own or shoot some shit up. Regardless of their motive, Thailand happened to be in the way.
The Japanese army did not want to go ALLLLL the way around Thailand to get there so they said “let us cross your land”. They didn’t say please or anything, so the Thai’s took exception to that and said “ummm yeah no”, to which Japan said “WAR!!”. After the entire 8 hours of the war, Thailand said “You know what? we’re done, go ahead and cross. But with one exception. You help us build a railroad across our country.” Japan agreed and sent over 200,000 Asian “helpers” and 60,000 POWs, all of which died in the severe working conditions and the beatings that were given by the Japanese. So to celebrate this, America dresses up in railroad prisoner garb and let themselves get “beat” by the proprieters of each bar they attend on their “Bar Railroad Crawl”. It’s one of the least popular celebrations due to the pain, but is heralded as the best Thai celebration ever. The popular drink for this day is actually comprised of Thai beer and a shot of sake to signify the two countries coming together for their time of mass slave killing, it’s fittingly called “The Railroad Beating”.