Answering CNN's Questions

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It almost looks like a question mark if you squint and cock your head and don't know what a question mark looks like...
It almost looks like a question mark if you kinda squint and cock your head and don’t know what a question mark looks like…

Ya know, that CNN seems like a nice kid. They try to play it down the middle as much as they can, which unfortunately makes them less popular than their more opinionated, shouty news brothers. You don’t want to hang out with the guy who can listen, hear and understand both sides of the argument and attempt to offer you more information so that you can then make up your own mind based on the facts given to you. You want someone to yell in your face how the other guys want to murder your grandparents, using your children as weapons or how those guys over there are fucking idiots and want to give all of your money to big corporations so that they can buy the children of the poor with which to beat your grandparents to death.

CNN just wants you to know what’s going on.

But sometimes CNN doesn’t have all the answers. And it’s kind of a dick move for you to always expect them to. Any time you check in on the CNN website you’ll no doubt find the columns littered with headlines ending in a squiggly little “huh” period. So I thought I would help a brutha out. It was kind of a crazy news weekend, so I thought I would give something back and answer some of the questions they have on their home page.

Now, I’m a pretty busy guy myself. I’ve got… You know… That one thing that I said I should be doing. I probably won’t do it, but I might. I mean I could. So while I’m going to answer the questions on CNN’s home page, I’m not actually going to read any more of the article. Clearly CNN is just asking me these questions, expecting I should have some sort of fore knowledge, and I don’t want to look like a fucking idiot in front of CNN. So as I am asked, I will simply answer to the best of my ability and hope it’s what CNN was looking for. If not why ask me in the first fucking place?

So let’s sit right down CNN, have a little chitty chat, talk talk, ask me anything, don’t be shy. Tell me what’s on your mind.

Will bin Laden photos be released?

Well, there’ve been a lot of bin Laden photos released over the years. In fact your face is covered in ’em right now. But I assume that’s not what you meant. You’re trying to seem somewhat respectable when you ask me if the administration is going to show you Osama B’s ventilated cranium. I really couldn’t say if there’ll be any assassination porn handed our to any journo who can type with one hand, but probably. Hell, it didn’t take a day for people to already start calling bullshit on the whole thing and kicking up the conspiracy theories, asking where the body is like it’s up to Obama to hit a forty-eight state tent tour offering anyone who’s got the constitution and the steely resolve a chance to see the body of the terror man for one, measly, solitary quarter. That’s right folks, one quarter of a dollar gets you a peek at the tower toppler himself, laid out for all your approvalry! Toss in another two bits and Barry’ll prop ‘im up and take your picture with him lookin’ like he’s suckin’ you off in his stars and stripes head wrap! Step right up!

Bin Laden celebrations ‘overboard’?

Well, we are partyin’ for those who can not be here with us to party down. So how much is overboard? But speaking of “overboard”, I thought that sounded like a “Weekend at Bernie’s” sequel title, upon a google search it seems that I’m mistaken, but clearly, a missed opportunity, both for the movie making industry, and the Navy SEALs. Though, who knows how many camera phones are going to be locked away in time capsules by a group of brave soldiers who actually know how to keep their mouths shut? I’m sorry, that was a question, go on CNN, you were asking…

Will the Taliban make peace now?

Oh CNN, sweet, stupid CNN. Yes, the Taliban will most certainly make peace, so long as “peace” is the name of the next crudely assembled suppository bomb the next crazy air traveling attempted martyr will inexplicably ask their row mate to light for them as they scoot their dirty sweat pants down in their aisle seat.

Debt ceiling: Are you freaking out yet?

Am I- what? Should I be? What am I not freaking out about that I should be!? What’s going on!? I just had my debt floor refinished, now you’re telling me I need to shit my pants about my dept ceiling already!? What about my debt roof? Is my debt roof leaking too? Well at least I find out in spring when it’ll be cheaper. Try getting your debt roof fixed in a fucking rain storm and then see how much your debt furniture suffers.

Can the U.S. trust Pakistan?

What? Come on, the most wanted man in the entire known universe was just hiding out 40 miles from their nation’s capital and only 1000 yards from their military’s most venerable training institution. Clearly… what was your question again?

Should moms post kids’ pix online?

You know what CNN? This shit sounds like entrapment and I really don’t fucking appreciate it! Asking a guy in a Van Full of Candy if mothers should post “pix” (a clear code word if I’ve ever heard one) of not just their kids, but kids in general online. Shame on you CNN, shame on you for knowing me so well.

Is this the host of ‘X Factor’?

Who? Me? Oh, come now, now you’re just being silly CNN. I mean, I’m honored, really I am, but I couldn’t. Between, you know, that thing, the one that I should be doing instead of answering your inane questions, and… that other… something. Where would I find the time? I appreciate the thought though CNN, it’s good to know I still haven’t lost it.

Child asks: Are the wars over?

Aww, look at you. You adorable little thing. Of course the wars are over. All the wars in the world, everywhere. And you know what’s also over? Sunshine and breathing. That’s right. We killed the one person in the world who’s ever wanted to war with anyone over anything. It’s all patty cake and ice cream from here on out! Unless of course someone decides that they and only they were promised the ice cream and that anyone else’s presence in this bowl is a direct attack on their ability to ever enjoy that ice cream ever again or any of the other ice cream promised to them after the end of this bowl. In which case, it’s fuckin’ awn!

What’s next for the Royal Couple?

I imagine the new Duke and Duchess are probably taking turns fucking each other with enormous piles of money… Get back to them in June, things should calm down by then.

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