Obama's Birth Certificate Found In a Van Full of Candy

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Here it is, now go back to being unemployed

Hey everyone, wow, we’re really sorry that this whole Obama/birth certificate thing got so way out of freakin’ control. We forgot that it was in the back of our van the whole time. Whoopsie right?? Silly us, we totally forgot that on one of our last roadtrips, Obama had it in his wallet and let us frame it. So we hung it inside the van so it would be “Officially Presidential”, like Air Force One, meaning we wouldn’t have to pay when crossing toll-bridges or when using parking garages. IT WAS AWESOME! And don’t forget that all the drive-thru food we could eat WAS FREE!! FREE G’DAMNIT!! So maybe when I say … forgot … maybe I meant … didn’t want to tell anyone. Well crap, would you? You know how much money I’ve saved over the last few months since this whole “prove you’re American” thing came out? Well I’d have to say it’s been WAY over $250. That’s a lot of Big Macs.

Here’s what I can’t quite wrap my little nugget around: When I had to renew my drivers license down at the good ol’ friendly DMV, I had to prove up and down with all kinds of documents and fingerprints and photos and fluids from places and a letter of recommendation from my 1st grade teacher and then had to recite the Cub Scout Promise while standing on a chair. Holy frakin’ shit! All of this just to renew a drivers license that I already had because I had previously aleady proved my citizenial worthiness? I can’t even IMAGINE how difficult it would be to become the Holy Ambassador to these United Lines on a Map. I mean seriously! I’m sure he had to show a birth certificate to get student loans at Harvard Law right? To get married, when his book was published, to be elected into the Senate, to say “hey I’m running for President”, and then finally to win the whole goddamn enchilada?!? So this whole time he was faking it? Well if that’s the case then holy llama shit! Slap my ass, paint me pink and call me Gertrude. Oh wait, that gives me an idea!

Van Full of Candy is officially announcing our candidacy for President of the United States in the 2012 U.S. presidential
election. And to keep things simple, we’re providing our birth certificate right now, right here for the nation to see, just so there isn’t any … confusion.

So stick THAT in your apple and smoke it
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