It’s Raining Babies In Physics Class

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Helen "Baby Catcher" Beard Gets 1st Place in the Baby Catching Contest

Helen Beard, a tourist from England, who was vacationing in the posh environment of an Econo Lodge in Orlando, Florida, is being regarded as “an angel sent from Heaven” for catching a toddler who fell from the fourth floor balcony. The two year old, Jah-Nea Myles, didn’t have a single scratch or bruise even after hitting the third floor balcony on the way down. Ok, hang on, let’s just stop this right there. This is all starting to seem a little odd to me. So, this woman, Helen, is hanging out at the hotel pool at 9pm with her two kids and husband, happens to glance over to the hotel and sees a toddler, who apparently has no one watching her inside the hotel room, hanging on the side of a balcony four stories up, gets up, waltzes over to the area where the baby will fall, gets in perfect position, with perfect timing just as the baby falls and catches the baby with nary a bruise on the toddler and not dropping it? Come on! This sounds staged. Let’s Mythbust this shit right now.

The average weight for a 2 year old female: 28.4 lbs.

Average height of the 4th floor of the “hotel” (4th floor to ground): 60 feet

This Also Calculates Time In Jail For Baby Neglect

Ok, so now we’ve plugged our numbers into the “Impact Force from Falling Object” calculator, that we just happen to carry in the van, to figure out how freakin’ hard and fast this kid fell and what kind of an impact would it have on this lady from England when it hit her arms. So after looking at the calculations, I have no freakin’ clue what any of that means, except the kid fell for about 2 seconds getting up to a speed of 21 mph. So that’s like three 10lb bags of potatoes duct-taped together and being hurled at you going 21mph and hitting with Newtons and Joules and other scientific’y stuff and yet there is not one scratch? Not one little tiny bruise? Hopefully somebody reading this is smart and can geek out on it and give us a scientific answer, because mine is … really fast and really hard and really f’ing scary. And if it’s true, I want her on my egg-toss team.

Michael saw Helen in the crowd and knew it was safe to dangle baby
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One thought on “It’s Raining Babies In Physics Class

    […] Plank” picture, and maybe rearranged him a bit if he landed on his back. And where was that goddamn baby-catching lady when you needed her? Hmmm? If the goal is to out-do each other with these planks, that would have […]

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