VFoC’s Valentine’s Day Fun Facts!

Posted on

As I’m sure your Girlfriend has reminded you by now, Monday is Valentine’s Day, the annual celebration of all things heart-shaped and diamond encrusted. And like most ancient American greeting card manufactured celebrations, many of the origins of the holiday have been lost to the annals of history. Thankfully, we at Van Full of Candy are experts at pretending we know things and have unearthed in our vault a series of long buried, little known facts about this most manipulative of holidays. So snuggle up with the person you’re still with because it would be just too damned much trouble to move on like you both know you should have a long time ago… ENJOY!
Love is a good right cross.
Love is a good right cross.

Valentine’s Day is celebrated around the world, though with sometimes subtle differences from region to region. In Germany, lovers exchange small, red velvet boxes filled with a their own feces, in Australia couples take turns drunkenly punching each other in the throat until a perfectly heart-shaped bruise appears and in Africa, where female circumcision is often practiced, the holiday is oddly not celebrated so much.

No Goldenseal?

St. Valentine was chosen to represent the holiday of love only be default since St. Guilttrippingo failed his mandatory piss test for HGH. St. Guilttrippingo was very vehement that he was innocent, but the Roman Empire Athletic Commission had very stringent rules and decided to give the title to St. Valentine who happened to be standing in line waiting to give a sample for his application for the Post Office.

Jesus vs. Jesus...
Jesus vs. Jesus...

Over the years in the search for its own Santa or Easter Bunny or drunken stereotype many mascots had been tried for Valentine’s Day including “Heartsy, the Human Heart”, unfortunately living outside the body and without a constant flow of blood Heartsy’s life span didn’t make for a sustainable mascot. Other contenders over the years included “Sqwirsh, the Chocolate Stuffed Teddy Bear”, “Blingy, the Sapphire Monster” and “Gimmie-Gimmie, the gift eating Vagina”. Ultimately though, the Valentine’s organizers settled on a naked flying baby archer.

Should have worn my bright orange diaper

In 1992, the Department of Justice – Bureau of Firearms stated in a press release that the arrow toting hunter known as Cupid applied for an assault weapon license. They went on to state that the application stated that “my bow and arrow are too antiquated and I need to shoot my love from longer distances”. The Bureau decided to deny the “God of Desire” a license for such a weapon, but however did state that they would allow him to carry a crossbow instead. Two years later, Cupid was involved in a freak hunting accident where he was mistaken for a wild boar and killed by a hunter with, ironically, an arrow. His replacement is named Jeff and lives in Wisconsin.

See you in August.
See you in August.

Many people often mistakenly believe February 14th to have a measurably higher rate of suicides than any other day of the year. The commonly held belief is that this holiday, meant specifically to be shared with someone you love, following so closely to Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Eve, all major holidays celebrating family, togetherness and camaraderie more often lead to the lonely and disenfranchised to finally succumb to the growing darkness in their soul, finally turning to the sweet embrace of death to release them from the pain of the waking world.

When in actuality the day with the single highest rate of suicides by a margin of 36 to 1 is, not surprisingly, August 3rd, Suicide Day, which commemorates the life and death of “St. Noosius Ligature, the Patron Saint of Oh What’s the Point”

The last little known fact that VFoC was able to uncover in our labs of tedious and exhausting research about the day when we are all forced to show our significant other that we absolutely love them, is one that might really throw the whole holiday for a loop, and one that we really struggled with even letting out of the bag, but thought that if we didn’t we would be doing all of our readers a complete injustice. What we found was nothing

Make it and they shall eat

you could find in any history book or even urbandictionary.com. It was found in a wheat field in southeast England in the early 18th century as a different variety of a crop circle. It was an actual See’s Candy Nuts & Chews crop “formation”. It was in the shape of a heart and distinct detail of the chocolates were very pronounced. In the middle of the “Nuts & Chews” crop formation was a scroll, and on the scroll read “A Diamond is Forever, but chocolate will fatten all of you humans up nicely for our return in 2012 for our 2nd-coming-feeding”. It also had the answer to See’s Candy most expensive chocolate truffle that they make, but that has been lost and the actual secret is still intact. So not to scare any of you with apocalyptic findings, just go ahead and ignore this last finding, venture out and buy some pretty roses, a sappy card, and a big fat box of chocolates and enjoy the holiday.

Happy 2nd-coming … errr, Valentine’s Day to EVERYONE!!

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “VFoC’s Valentine’s Day Fun Facts!

    The Law said:
    February 12, 2011 at 9:28 pm

    I stopped reading this pretty quickly.
    Mostly because you’re an ignorant fuck-wad that I assume hasn’t had a relationship during the day of valentines day in their life. Have I? Heh, now that I think about it no oddly enough. But I’m not pissy enough about it to whine on the internet and bullshit an article.

    Germany does not send feces etc so forth. They celebrate it the equivalent the way we do it; By spending a bit more money on chocolate to help our population get fatter.

    Really. Stop proving you’re an ignorant american wanker by tossing around bullshit rumors.

      Van Full of Candy responded:
      February 12, 2011 at 11:21 pm

      Excuse ME, sir? Ignorant, SIR?! Why, I don’t even know the meaning of the word!

      And how DARE you besmirch the proud name of this informative publication. These are not VFoC’s Valentine’s Day Fun Rumors, these are VFoC’s Valentine’s Day Fun FACTS. Every piece of information in this article is painstakingly researched and cross referenced for the most accurate and up to date information available on the topic of Mythical Cherub Assassinations and Deutschland Fecal Gifting!

      But I know what this is REALLY about. I understand that Valentine’s Day can be tough on the lonely and pathetic. I understand that you probably needed somewhere to direct your impotent rage, some outlet on which to unleash all of the pent up frustration and angst between sobbing fits, begging a seemingly absent God why Suzy in third period Algebra won’t even look at you despite the monumental shrine you’ve built to her in your bedroom closet and the countless animal sacrifices you’ve performed in her name.

      Love can be tough.

      But don’t worry, from one fuck-wad to another, there’s someone out there for you. Someone who’s given up on ever finding any sort of happiness in their life or anyone that they could actually love, and who, in a desperate bid to find someone, anyone, to ensure that they won’t die alone, will cling to even someone as putrid and loathsome as you. Don’t worry, you’ll date rape this lucky lady some day and the two of you can live resentfully together for the rest of your miserable lives.

      And hey, thanks for coming by and bullshitting a comment on our blog and etc so forth. Hope to see you back around here again soon, Mr. #1 Fan! Here’s wishing you a heaping box of excrement for every holiday on the calendar!

      xoxo

      Van Full of Candy

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s