Space Wants You Dead

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This can't be real... THIS CAN'T BE REAL!
This can't be real... THIS CAN'T BE REAL!

We are all going to be murdered by a giant green blob, the size of our entire galaxy, THAT SHITS STARS!

Why am I the only one screaming!?

So what if it’s 650 million light years away? How do you know that some living space cloud, the size of what we can’t even begin to imagine with our tiny little ape brains and who’s waste product is a giant ball of nuclear fission doesn’t have some way of traversing that distance in a week and a half? You don’t know! How do you know!? YOU DON’T KNOW!

Okay, alright, let me start over…

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t worry about something in space killing us without even noticing it. You really have no idea how tiny and fragile and defenseless we are. We’re only all still alive because some wandering brown dwarf hasn’t tumbled by, ripping our entire atmosphere off and going on about it’s merry way without batting a stupid, dwarven little eye… Yet. So when I hear about us actually discovering something so mind rapingly insane just trudging through the universe, I have two reactions. One; sweet tangy Christ, that thing wants to murder me, and two; if we’ve actually managed to discover this thing, what other nightmares are out there waiting for me that I haven’t even imagined to be frightened of yet?

Mrow, fuck you!
Mrow, fuck you!

This humongous sun crapper was first discovered by a dutch elementary school teacher thumbing through NASA’s packed away photo albums in 2007. NASA has a program called the Galaxy Zoo Project where they apparently take old shoe boxes full of dusty snap shots of the fucking unknown wonders of deep space, that they just hand out to anyone and say, “Hey, could you rifle through these eight by ten color glossies of infinity and see if there’s anything out there in the great vastyness of all of creation, billions of years of existence spanning farther than we’ve ever made words to describe that might want to obliterate everything we’ve ever known through power unimaginable? Thanks, you’re a Reuben. We’ll just be over here testing how hilarious it is when cats try to pee in zero gravity.”

A giant green blob in space is exactly the kind of thing that Star Trek has been trying to prepare us for all these years, and now, when we finally find it, it’s treated like we didn’t just discover our own tombstones floating in the sky.

I realize budgets are tight, but I think there should be more than just a volunteer brigade of wooden shoe wearing elementary school teachers in charge of making sure we know about the scariest shit imaginable floating around in the void. We have a giant telescope in the sky, taking pictures of everything, shouldn’t there be someone who’s job it is to look at those pictures, you know, when our other chocolate chomping experts are busy grading spelling tests?

After NASA released this new photo, the teacher that first discovered it said it looked like a dancing frog in the sky because it’s green, and she could even see what passes for arms and eyes. Fantastic. And while NASA and Dutch teacher NASA giggled and toasted over a shoe full of cocoa, my brain couldn’t stop shitting itself, like a giant inter-stellar gas frog the size of a galaxy shits stars.

So it’s pretty clear that I’m the only one taking this appropriately seriously, and that this dirty little ball of idiots is doomed, which means that I’m going to have to build my own escape craft in a futile attempt to escape a universe that wants nothing more than to murder me dead. And between all of the screaming and crying, when exactly am I going to find the time?

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7 thoughts on “Space Wants You Dead

    Danger Bunnie said:
    January 13, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    LMAO

    Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!

      Van Full of Candy responded:
      January 14, 2011 at 10:34 am

      And robots, don’t get me started on how we’re all going to be murdered by robots…

    […] most of the time it’s telling you how cute the thing threatening to eat the galaxy is, how it could travel through time if it could just discover the thing that would be able to travel […]

    […] fun thing in this world that is out to kill you!! We’ve written about many many things that want to kill you, murder you and make you very very dead, but this one is just the dumbest. What you do is lie on […]

    The Things We Do For Love | Van Full of Candy said:
    January 9, 2012 at 10:34 am

    […] and it’s difficult to choose what to write about. I personally can only scream about my distrust of space and my legally frowned upon love of Justin Bieber so many times before I start attracting unwanted […]

    The Things We Do For Love | Van Full of Candy said:
    July 3, 2014 at 2:59 pm

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    […] fun thing in this world that is out to kill you!! We’ve written about many many things that want to kill you, murder you and make you very very dead, but this one is just the dumbest. What you do is lie on […]

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