December 16th 1362 –
King Gretch the Least Boil Covered, ruler of Low Slopshire, was propped up in the window of Pox Castle to gurgle incoherently at his dead and dying subjects for what turned out to be his final address. His feverish ramblings meandered from the subject of the appropriate waiting period after the death of a spouse to engage in bestial congress, to a detailed list of the exact color and location of all of the open wounds festering on his body, and the names that he called them when he was alone late at night and the sounds of his subjects’ death rattles cascading across the plains paused briefly enough for him to contemplate their miserable existence.
Midway through his description of the demon floating before him, just outside his window, King Gretch seized up solid, biting clean through his tongue, tumbled through the window after it to the runny, puss laced muck at the foot of the castle below.
His subjects ate well that morning as the flesh that was left on the King’s gangly frame pulled easily from the bone and tasted much less of grime and sadness than their usual meals of fetid soil.
"Happy St. Wednesday, I'm buying shots!"
We at Van Full of Candy enjoy drinking. And no, we do not have a problem. That’s for amateurs. We are professional grade imbibers. But we generally save our heavy drinking for special occasions, namely, holidays which celebrate Saints. St. Valentine, St. Patrick, St. Nicholas, St. President’s Day, St. Wednesday.
And while drinking until you involuntarily head butt the floor is fun enough on it’s own, we also like to add a competitive social element to the festivities when ever possible. To wit, the drinking game. In doing a little research we found that some people like to over complicate the process of getting drunk, using cards or dice or any assortment of non-alcohol based extraniousness. We have always found that the best drinking games are the simplest. Played by a group of people who can still vaguely make out shapes and sounds around them and are mostly capable of shouting a mouth full of sounds that could vaguely resemble the word “Drink!”
So we at Van Full of Candy want to make sure you get the very most out of your government sanctioned national day of over indulgence with our very own VFoC Drinking Game rules*. Grab a pencil and a napkin and take these down if you want to have a night you will truly never forget! (Because you can’t forget it, if you can’t remember it.)
* Van Full of Candy can not be held responsible for any jail time that may and probably will result in the following of these rules. Van Full of Candy also does not sanction, condone or approve of drinking to the point of alcohol poisoning. Know your own personal limits light weight and of course, always drink Responsibly**.
** “Responsibly” is the only officially endorsed Absinthe brand of Van Full of Candy. ALWAYS, drink Responsibly.
- If you see someone wearing green, drink. If you see someone wearing orange, drink. If you can still see someone, drink.
- If you eat any green food, drink. If it wasn’t intentionally green, take a shot.
- When ever someone bumps into you, drink. If you spill any of your drink, pound that drink and then drink.
- Every time a girl says “No thank you” drink the drink you bought for her and tell her it wasn’t for her anyway, and that she’s a stupid ugly cunt. Return to your group, high-five everyone and drink.
- If you hear someone fake an Irish accent, drink. If you hear someone mistakenly use a Scottish accent, take a shot. If you hear a British accent, quietly sneak out of the bar and rig a home-made explosive to the bastard’s ignition!
- The first person to go to the bathroom has to finish everybody else in the groups drinks
- If you’re the first to pass out, drink.
- If you shit yourself before you vomit on yourself, drink.
- If you hear a U2 song, shout “I’m Bono!”, give your friend a dollar and drink.
- If you’re in a bar starting with “O’” or “Mc”, drink. If your bar starts with “El” or “Los” take a shot of tequilla.
- If at any point you start singing, you can be punched once for each verse you begin.
- If you run out of money, drink.
- If you hear the song “Danny Boy”, cry about how much you miss your dad, drink, punch your friend, hug, cry and drunk.
- If you urinate in the street, drink. If you urinate on a police horse, take a shot.
- If you wake up with a new tattoo, drink. If it’s misspelled, take a shot.
- If at any point anyone is impregnated, you are immediately disqualified.
- If you hear anyone yell “dude” or “bro” drink, throw your empty bottle at them: if you miss drink, if you hit them, drink.
- If a girl screams out of drunken excitement, drink. If she screams due to sexual assault, you should probably tell somebody, to take a shot.
- If at any point you see a Leprechaun, your friends are dicks and you’re gonna have to ride this one out. And drink.
- If you see a Boston Celtics jersey, you have to drink according to the number on the jersey.
- If you see a Los Angeles Lakers jersey, quietly sneak out of the bar and rig a home-made explosive to the bastard’s ignition!
- If at any point you lose a shoe, your remaining shoe becomes your travel mug.
- If you don’t have a drink in each hand, drink. If you only have one hand, you drink free all night with a good “how I lost my fucking hand” story.
- If anybody claims that they’re actually irish, you must punch them, then kiss them, then punch them, then drink.
- If you drunk dial an ex, drink. If you cry and tell her how sorry you are, take a shot. If you accidentally dial your current while trying to dial your ex and cry about how sorry you are, you buy the next round.
- Anytime somebody with a blinky light on their shirt walks by, throw up in your mouth, then drink.
- Whenever a girl slurs “Oh my god I love you!” to anyone, drink.
And of course…
- The last person to vomit gets to do so on the first person who vomited.
Happy St. Wheneversday! Chug, chug, chug! Blackout. Fall.
February 6th 1921 –
The Rochester Football Men defeated the North Dakota Grinnin’ Injuns 68-11 in Super Game VI. Most Valuable Player, Football Men Quarterman Shifty Irish O’Doul passed for 0.42 hectares and 8 touch goals, all while having been partially blinded in the team’s pre-game wood grain alcohol balloon fight. Grinnin’ Injuns Runningman, Able Plotsky was on his way to a record making day on the playing field, running for 0.13 hectares in the first four innings of play before being murdered dead in the middle of the stadium by a single gunshot wound to the throat, courtesy of Football Men Defensiveman, Deke Lillard; a play that cost Lillard’s Football Men a five yard infraction of legal play punishment and a loss of one third of their team’s remaining water rations.