Much of the state of California lays in ruins at this hour after Jason Whitesel and Jesse Jones, Van Full of Candy co-founders escaped police custody in Sacramento and Los Angeles respectively.
In what was thought to be an impossibly short span of time for such a feat, Jason managed to dig a hole through his cell wall with a rock hammer before crawling 500 yards to freedom through the prison’s sewage line. Unfortunately only moments after emerging from the outlet and celebrating with a triumphant arm raised howl of freedom in the metaphorical sin cleansing downpour Jason was brutally mauled to death by a pack of day werewolves in a clear case of mistaken identity.
Meanwhile Jesse was sprung from his cell in spectacular fashion when he summoned his Green Mastodon Megazord with his communicator watch that officials mistakenly failed to confiscate. Armed with his three story tall “Emerald Tusk” Zord, Jesse laid waste to the downtown Los Angeles area before trampling the world famous Hollywood sign and Griffith Observatory. Ultimately members of the Justice Avengers had to be called in to stop him before more innocent landmarks were lost. After the climactic battle on the Santa Monica Pier Jesse’s Zord was fished out of the Pacific Ocean but no body has been recovered as of this report.
… So… April Fools…
Thanks for hanging in there. Hope it was worth it.
Now tell your friends about it and hey, how about watching our video one more time, in memory of those brave souls who were fictionally lost this day?
Hey, so this is the Van Full of Candy intern Jerry. By now you’ve probably heard that Jesse and Jason were arrested just a couple minutes ago for refusing to remove their viral hit “Greatest Stories Ever Written: Friday by Rebecca Black”
(They told me to put the video up again in this update)
Hollywood and Sacramento Police were quick to respond probably because of how the guys chose to respond to the cease and desist they received; both deciding to send a return fax from their individual locations, of their respective scrotums. We’ve been able to attain some pictures of the arrests going down thanks to the newspaper affiliates in each city. We’ve been on the phone with each of them and they seem to be in good spirits and said to keep posting the updates for our ever loyal fans.
Free the Van 2!
Always with our finger just outside the pulse of the American consciousness Van Full of Candy gives to you our celebration of this generation’s newest great story-teller. Rebecca Black’s inspiring song, a celebration of the julian calendar has taken hold of the internet viewing populace not because of its “absurdity” or “amateurish quality both in production and composition” but because it taps into a deeper place in our hearts, a place where we are all just trying to make it to the next of life’s Fridays. Partyin’ partyin.
With that said, Van Full of Candy is proud to present this master work in its original intended form, the spoken word.
Rejoice in its majesty, share it with your friends, share it with your enemies. Each and every soul that this video contacts will thank you, and you’ll thank yourself. Hero.