US Army Vet Un-invites Cameron Diaz to “Fondue Fun Night”, Invites Zach Galifianakis

The Marines are bringin' sexy back

Holy crap !! When I read today that Justin Timberlake had attended the Marine Corps Ball over the weekend, I thought “Oh my GAWD, did I accidentally stand up Cameron Diaz?”. For whatever crazy reason, I forgot to put the Fondue Fun Night at The Melting Pot in my calendar, but in a fortunate scheduling miracle, I had made the occasion on the same night as the OTHER Marine Corps Ball, the one where Mila Kunis will be attending on November 18th. Phhhhhhhhhhhhew !! I read that JT had an incredible time with his YouTube date even going so far as saying, “Last night changed my life, and I will never forget it!”, just as Fondue Fun Night will change your life Cameron, I swear it !!

Now, granted, I acknowledge the fact that Cam-Cam hasn’t “replied” to my video invite “officially” yet via YouTube or/and an email, a phone call, a comment in these posts, a middle finger, ANYTHING, etc., but I know how busy these celebrity types are with their movies, and their interviews, and their money, all that fucking money. I’m sure it was just an accidental oversight on her part, or her assistant’s part, or her publicist’s part, or maybe her camera phone hasn’t been working lately. It’s ok … I don’t mind waiting around for a reply, I’ll just sit here and … hmmmmmm … you know what? Forget her !! Now that I look back to see when the initial invite went out, it’s been over four months now !! That’s just DAMN RUDE CAMERON DIAZ !! So as of right this minute on today’s date, I am retracting my invitation to you Cameron, sorry, but I’m also a entertainment professional, and I just cant be strung on like this, so, it’s off. I’m very sorry.

So, I’m going to change my invite to somebody who won’t act so unprofessional by toying with one’s emotions. Here’s my NEW video invite …

Let Daddy Make It All Better [VIDEO]

Cancer? Cured! Recession? Cured! Common Cold? EVERYTHING Cured!!

Something miraculous came to me this weekend. It came to me in the way of divine intervention sent straight from the Creator himself as my mind was magically opened to see something that has been inconspicuously floating around our planet for about 40 years. Something that is so awe inspiring that only a worthy clairvoyant hand picked by the hand of the Almighty himself, like myself, could ever completely fathom its true consequence. The veil was lifted for me to see the gift that was given to us +/- 14,600 days ago in the way of an instrumental melody, presented through the medium of a motion picture. And it was bright! So very bright!

The medium in which this life changing information was transported to mine eyes was through a Tarantino flick, Resevoir Dogs. A poignant movie giving many life lessons throughout with several emotions being touched, like a virgin, shall we say? But it’s the very last song in this film that tells us, well me, the simple remedy to all of life’s tribulations, and as the credits rolled, BAMMM!! it was revealed. It’s the song “Coconut” written by Harry Nilsson. The answer has been here all along, well for 40 years anyway, and the answer is “You put the lime in the coconut”. That’s it … simple, natural, organic, and both trees were in the Garden of Eden since the dawn of creation.

Now Drink Them Both Up ?

So why did it take 1,971 years after the birth of Christ to figure it out? Well it happened by accident like all things created in this world. For instance, bacon. How did someone figure out the beautiful thing known as bacon? Well, somebody had a pig, and that pig was caught in a barn fire, and as that little piggy burned, a smell emerged from that barn that was so sensual to the nose that only one thing could be done. Go get that pig and eat it … bacon.

Accidents, the ugly sister of Mother Necessity, Mother Accident lead to the elixer of the world. You see, Harry Nilsson was having a Hawaiin themed party one night in the early 70′s, he had tikis, coconuts, leis (pronounced Lay’s, like the chip), flower shirts and limes. He cut open a coconut to extract the milk and use the shell as a cup, however as he was getting ready to pour out the milk, one of his drunk friends was throwing limes and it landed in this cocunut shell. The potion began to bubble and fizz and a heavenly voice sounded through the room, “all who drink of the lime and the coconut will be cured”. And they drank. And it cured their belly aches.

JHS Mathlete Veteran Asks Danica McKellar to Laser Tagstravaganza

I wanna shoot lasers on the chest and back of my first boyhood crush, and for once I don’t mean that metaphorically… Danica McKellar, let’s Tag one another with, oh, what’s say: Laser!

The newly revived craze seems to be begging beautiful celebrities through the YouTubes to hang out with you and their having to pretend that it’s an adorable gesture rather than treating it like the creepy, psychotic love letters of the desperate and delusional that they truly are. But who am I to buck the popular trend?

C’mon Danica: my treat!

Trans Am [VIDEO]

Idiot #1: How do you like my new hair cut Moron #2?

Moron #2: That is quite a finely cut set of hairs Idiot #1. I would go so far as to call that haircut “awesome”.

Us: Hey idiot. Lookie here moron. You’re wrong; shut the fuck up.

Has this kind of thing happened to you? Are you tired of stupid people who don’t understand what words are ruining perfectly descriptive language with banality and wrong headed fucktarditude?

Well fret no longer friend, because Van Full of Candy has the answer. Introducing: “Trans-Am”. The ultimate human expression of appreciation and excitement. Wanna learn how? Well please enjoy our finely crafted presentation below.

If you have any further questions on how you should more properly express yourself in conversation, just ask and we’ll be more than happy to tell you exactly how you’re doing it wrong, and set you back on the right path: the “Trans-Am” path!

Wink, thumbs up, freeze frame!

An Open Letter To Katy Perry & Kenny G : Last Friday Night

Don't worry, I'll get those uncomfortable bottoms off of you soon enough!

Dear Super-Hott Katy Perry & That Spiral Permed Douchebag Kenny G.:

I was so fuckin’ pissed quite disappointed today when I finally got to see your new, super perky, bubble-gum 80′s themed music video “Last Friday Night”. Now don’t get me wrong, there was absolutely NOTHING you did personally wrong Katy, I mean, you were so pettable in your little day-glo outfit which made you look like a smokin’-hot bottle of Maybelline Great Lash Mascara, and that headgear, good god yummy potaotes girl! And please understand that I wasn’t disappointed with your ever pleasing tonal qualities with just a little hint of sex-growl at the end of each stanza that makes me feel you’re singing sweet-nothing’s in my ear, and my ear alone. No, none of that. Here’s how you completely crushed my utter soul you bitch hurt my extra brittle feelings today Katy. You chose Kenneth Bruce Gorelick, or better known as his stage name: Kenny G., over me! That dude is done! Time to cut your hair loverboy, sometimes you just have to know when to snip the ponytail and donate it to Locks of Love you selfish sax blower. EFFFFFFF !!!

Did you not see my audition video? I brought the new noise, I brought the cutting-edge-sexy-sounding-sax-sauce, and I slopped it all over your BBQ! Maybe your agent didn’t get it in time? That must be what it is, I just know it, because how could you ever pick a mopped-top-skeleton to blow the brass love instrument, when he isn’t even as close to being as talented as I? Sure, that must be it … there’s no other explanation. God, I just want to smack those braces straight out your head I feel so crushed, but now that I’ve talked it out loud to myself, I’m feeling much better. I mean sure, he’s been around a long time, and yeah he might be somewhat of an icon, and maybe he can blow a note for 45 minutes straight which got him in the Guinness Book of World Records, but he’s definitely no Clarence Clemons who just recently passed, God Rest His Soul … or me for that matter. Didn’t you notice during the filming of the video how “Uncle Kenny” annoyingly blows out the right side of his mouth? Yuck! It’s so nasty! It’s like he’s playing it the way Sherlock Holmes would smoke his pipe, almost like he does it so he can sip his prune juice on the other side, or maybe eat a sandwich without ever having to stop, or like he’s suffered a stroke but just won’t quit … YOU FUCKING WEIRDO KENNY G!!

Anyway Katy, that’s about all I  have to say about this, so when you’re ready to get some serious sax action all up in your business in your next music video, give me a call, check out my audition again because I’m sure there’s plenty of impressive material in there that will make you all soppin’ wet want to cast me. Hope to hear from you soon, and just in case you lost the link to my audition video, here it is … LINK-TO-BAD-ASS-SAX-BOY

I will forever love you, Hope to hear from you soon,

Jason

Introducing … The Audition Guy !! [VIDEO]

When you work hard and put in your time, good things usually happen to you. Here at Van Full of Candy we have a really dedicated young man who really, really wants to make it big time in the entertaiment world in any way shape or form that they’ll take him. You may remember him from certain auditions like the Charlie Sheen Intern audition or maybe his attempt to become the AFLAC Duck voice. Well his super intense persistence to his craft has landed him his very own “show” here in our van. So without further ado … well … here ya go …

UPDATE: VFoC co-founders Slain in Daring Simultaneous Escape Attempts

Much of the state of California lays in ruins at this hour after Jason Whitesel and Jesse Jones, Van Full of Candy co-founders escaped police custody in Sacramento and Los Angeles respectively.

In what was thought to be an impossibly short span of time for such a feat, Jason managed to dig a hole through his cell wall with a rock hammer before crawling 500 yards to freedom through the prison’s sewage line. Unfortunately only moments after emerging from the outlet and celebrating with a triumphant arm raised howl of freedom in the metaphorical sin cleansing downpour Jason was brutally mauled to death by a pack of day werewolves in a clear case of mistaken identity.

Meanwhile Jesse was sprung from his cell in spectacular fashion when he summoned his Green Mastodon Megazord with his communicator watch that officials mistakenly failed to confiscate. Armed with his three story tall “Emerald Tusk” Zord, Jesse laid waste to the downtown Los Angeles area before trampling the world famous Hollywood sign and Griffith Observatory. Ultimately members of the Justice Avengers had to be called in to stop him before more innocent landmarks were lost. After the climactic battle on the Santa Monica Pier Jesse’s Zord was fished out of the Pacific Ocean but no body has been recovered as of this report.

… So… April Fools…

Thanks for hanging in there. Hope it was worth it.

Now tell your friends about it and hey, how about watching our video one more time, in memory of those brave souls who were fictionally lost this day?

UPDATE: VFoC co-founders Arrested in Copyright Dispute

Hey, so this is the Van Full of Candy intern Jerry. By now you’ve probably heard that Jesse and Jason were arrested just a couple minutes ago for refusing to remove their viral hit “Greatest Stories Ever Written: Friday by Rebecca Black”

(They told me to put the video up again in this update)

Hollywood and Sacramento Police were quick to respond probably because of how the guys chose to respond to the cease and desist they received; both deciding to send a return fax from their individual locations, of their respective scrotums. We’ve been able to attain some pictures of the arrests going down thanks to the newspaper affiliates in each city. We’ve been on the phone with each of them and they seem to be in good spirits and said to keep posting the updates for our ever loyal fans.

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Free the Van 2!

UPDATE: VFoC Ordered to Cease and Desist

Fan-fucking-tastic. While our new Rebecca Black Spoken Word video –

is busy taking this world and all known adjacent planets by fucking storm, opening doors up for us that we never even expected to see, it apparently has also gotten us attention we didn’t want.

Hot off the Fax full of Bullshit.

This just showed up for us. A cease and desist from Rebecca Black’s “People”? I’m not sure if this is supposed to scare us or something, but I find it really hard to believe that this internet celebutwat has any sort of muscle to make us take down our meal ticket. So please, continue to enjoy our new video, tell your friends, share it with as many random strangers as you can, what’s the worst that she can possibly fucking bring?

Viva Van Full of Candy!