We’re Having a Bake Sale for Our Very Own XXX Website

We'd really like to know if you have some pie !!

It’s happened !! It’s FINALLY happened !!! The powers that be who hold dominion over the interwebby names have allowed websites, such as ourselves, to become .XXX websites. How indecently awesome is that ?? Think about it, we wouldn’t be just a run of the mill boring old .COM website anymore, we could be really hot, 9″, go all night, bonafide porn guys in a van … WWW.VANFULLOFCANDY.XXX … Yeah, that has a great ring to it, doesn’t it ??

Make us into PORN !!

Now, when I say “bakesale”, I actually mean, we’re begging for donations to get our porn domain up. Heh, I said “up”. See, to register for a XXX domain, you have to come up with $80 to do so, and well, with all the candy we just bought and gas prices being what they are to fill the van up, we’re just a little short on the scratch to go full blown viagra on ya’lls ass. But quite honestly, begging is something we here at Van Full of Candy don’t really like doing … so … to sweetin’ the donation deal, here’s what we’ll do. For everybody who makes a donation to our pornsite domain bakesale, we’ll make a quick video for you … we’ll include your name and you can give us the idea of what you want to see, and we’ll do it. All it takes is $1.00 !! So if 80 of our loyal fans each donate $1.00, looks like we’ll be busy making 85 gawddamn videos. So how about make our lives easier and donate $20. Thanks !!

World’s Slowest Yet Most Expensive Female Pleaser

One for every outfit and occasion

Women like it slow, but if this is the kind of slow that they mean, then I’m gonna go grab a sandwich and I’ll be back when you’re good and worked up, in say, oh … two hours. The porn industry is a multi-ka-trillbion dollar industry. It’s everywhere you look and everywhere you don’t want it to be when you’re looking at it at work and cant get the fuckin’ window to close fast enough when someone walks up behind you at your desk … CLICK CLICK CLICK FUCKING CLOSE GODDAMMIT … hey, oh that, that was just … cute kittehs, so what can I help you with?

At Van Full of Candy Research Labs, we spend a LOT of our R&D funds on finding the next best plastic love toy that makes you feel not alone while being, well, totally alone … night after night after lubed up melon-sex night. And melons aren’t cheap these days, you know with global warming and crops dying and all that, so … anyway, I lost track of … oh yeah … sad masturbation gimmicks. We spend 70% of our budget on these devices so we can personally test them, make sure they’re up to snuff and then let you, our loyal fans, which items should be on your naughty Xmas list.

Not too long ago, Jesse did a great article on, which I’d like to call “My Favorite Friend Thusfar”, a wonderful little toy called handjob bot that took China by storm, not to mention my millions of children. But we have now uncovered a new playmate for women who like to be teased and foreplay’d for a while, and for people who have a pension for Gumby. We have a couple of volunteers right now testing the device as we speak, but since it’s still 6″ away from touching them, well, we’ll probably need to report our findings next month.

Without further ado, Van Full of Candy presents … X Marks the Spot

Van Full of Candy’s Celebrity Sex Tape Auditions

Pamela likes our van candy ... so should you !!

First it was Pamela & Tommy, then Paris, and then that one Kardashian chick. Rock stars, television stars, and others who ride the coattails of their father and become reality TV stars. Two glaring things stick out like a sore thumb … that I’m assuming have been smashed by a hammer, because how else would a thumb be sore? Well, there’s always the explanation that you were sitting around with your thumb up your ass and you were startled when somebody actually asked you to do something, and you moved too fast and broke your thumb causing it to stick out like a sore thumb. So there’s two idioms for you to enjoy for the price of one. You’re welcome. Now, speaking of things in one’s ass, lets get back to the main gist of this talk, Sex Tapes, and the two things that stick out like … god I hate repeating myself !!

#1. Not one of the stars of any of the celebrity sex tapes are comedic blog writers/sketch comedy performers … and …

#2. All of the aforementioned “accidental” porn stars have only BENEFITED their careers from having their sex taped “accidentally” leaked … so …

In an effort to level the playing field and get this celebrity porn industry into other aspects of the entertainment world, Van Full of Candy does hereby declare that we will be holding auditions for hot starlet types who are looking to take their career to a whole new level, which level that might be is still yet to be determined but please know it will be a WHOLE NEW ONE !!

We have the perfect props and the perfect premise. We have the piece de resistance first of all … a goddamn van full of candy, and then the story line just writes itself, not that there’ll be much story if you know what I’m sayin’. So … if you’d like to be one of the lucky chosen ones to star in our celebrity sex tape, then you’ll need to leave us a comment on this blog letting us know how to get in touch with you so we can meet in person and … well … rehearse a little. That’s just part of the process, the dirty, metal smelling, why is this gas can next to me tedious process. Now don’t get discouraged if you don’t make it … we will have literally thousands of applicants and it takes a long long LONG time to “interview” each and every one of you, but please know … we won’t NOT interview a single one of you soon to be starlets. And remember, first come … first served.

When Horror Movies Go Porn (Netflix Style)

Hey kids, sorry about not posting anything for your junkie fix on Friday … here’s a little orgasmic Van Full of Candy teaser for ya !!

I Wanna Be a Porn Star Baaaaaybeeeee … Well, Except For The HIV

Who knew?

Alright you stars of porn, lets go ahead and take 5 and gather around. Stop your threesums, put your cable repairman outfit back on Ron, and for god’s sake you people over there leave that horse alone and get over here, this is serious business. Now listen! It has come to our attention that one of you had a stinky HIV test. Yeah! We’re not pointing any fingers but lets just say if any of you have rode bareback within the last 30 days you might wanna go wash up. So for the next few weeks we’re gonna deal with this problem, do some paperwork and see how to move forward, so for the time being everybody is on a mandatory 30 day leave of absence, so get on out there and enjoy the sun, oh, and use a condom huh?

The porn industry came to a screeching halt last night after one of their very own tested positive for HIV, just a few weeks after the overseers of PornLand decreed that “all inhabitants of the land of porn shall be tested on every eve of thy lord’s full moon or every 30 sunrises, whichever occurs first or is easier to remember to make sure that thine loins are’st clean and no filth shall thee pass to another” by making them register on the Sexual Health Database for porn types, where, we at Van Full of Candy decided to register as porn stars (see image below). But unfortunately for them, filth has beeen passed, and I’m guessing that some sort of blood letting of a goat is going to happen sometime soon to get the billion dollar golden goose to start flappin’ its wings again. They also did not release the name, age or sex of said infectee. What a fun waiting game for those who may have starred with him and or her or him/her.

So what does this mean? Thousands of out-of-work bumpers-of-ugly will be hitting the unemployment lines looking for work, REGULAR work !! Don’t you see people? This is great news !! In some city, at some company a full fledged porn star man or woman will be looking for work, and in one of those companies, one of them will be hired, and in the place where they get hired there’s an empty cube where this porn star will sit, and if you or I are lucky, it will be next to us. Looks like Monday mornings at the coffee machine just got a WHOLE lot bettah !! Well … except for the HIV.