Welcome To (Alleged) Fatherhood Justin

MAZELTOV!

AND Sandy with Keanu?! Well now I've heard everything!

Oh Justin, we’re so very, very (allegedly) happy for you! I’m sorry this is a couple months late, but to be fair, you’re just finding out about it yourself now aren’t you? Wow, who’d a thunk it? Our little Justin Bieber already a daddy. Seems like just yesterday you were also still a child one day younger than you are today… Circles and something about Spring and… sun rise, or something, I think…

Anyway, lazy metaphorical imagery aside, I can’t believe our little Biebs has already grown up. Well, when you think about it, I guess it’s not too surprising to hear that you’re already (allegedly) littering your southern neighbor, these fantasmical United States of the Americas, with Bieber Brood in every town you pass through. I mean, honestly, every night thousands of recently egg producing fans scream at the top of their lungs for your not yet legal loins; does the world honestly expect you not to have a field day with that endless salad and bread sticks of vadge? You are an international pop star, it is fully understood by everyone who purchases a ticket and every parent who sends their lady child to a mega star’s concert venue that by doing so they forfeit their right to not be penetrated by said super star. Why do you think I keep an extra pair of undies tucked into my sock every time I go anywhere that live music could potentially be over heard? Well that’s one of the reasons!

I guess really the only surprise is that we haven’t heard of all of the rest of them yet. But give it ten years or so when American public schools (if such things exists in a decade) are flooded with foreheadless cherubic adolescent song birds, being scooped up in the night by stealth Disney Channel extraction teams. There won’t be enough back streets or numbers of degrees with which to catalog the limitless Boy Banditry!

I do have some sympathy for how your wonderful, life changing, special news has been delivered though Justin. I mean, no body wants the beloved (alleged) mother of their child to tell the entire damned world in a court filing, under the penalty of perjury, that the conception of your child with your fellow procreationist, which also just so happened to be your (alleged) virginal deflorination, had all the romance of a halftime leak and the longevity of the Final Jeopardy theme music. No man wants seven billion human souls to know that the (alleged) half minute grunt and squirt that culminated in your be-fathering was very likely punctuated by the flushing of a nearby urinal by a confused, groggy concert goer.

Now, if I may, I would like to speak directly to the (alleged) mother of your child, Mariah Yeater, for just a moment Justin, if I may. Mariah, Justin is a very special boy to us. We’ve been chronicling Justin Bieber’s crazy year since there’s been a Van Full of Candy. Please, don’t make us have to get our heaviest hair brush and learn you some shit! Don’t you DARE break our Justy Just’s heart! What you got after that show in Los Angeles isn’t just a souvenir! It’s (allegedly) Justin’s first born! The first in line to the Bieber throne! Naturally you will have all of the protection of the “Secret Beliebers” at your back. You will never know we are there, but we will keep you and the child god safe until it is time for its ascension.

Remember, no shaking. Just keep repeating it to yourself, it helps.

Oh the joys you have ahead of you Justin. Parenthood, as I understand it, is a wonderful thing, filled with years of not resenting the unwanted child for its role in robbing you of your youth and your dreams, constant open communication filled with loving respectful conversations about love and respect with never a single moment of feeling taken for granted. There’s also never any nagging thoughts of disappointment in your off spring for the horrible choices they’ve made or fear that your poor parenting might have destroyed the inherent potential of this new life, hamstringing it from birth with your own poorly sculpted psyche, (molded by your own parents’ clumsy, inept guidance) closing doors for it before they ever knew they were ever open at all…

Just remember Justin, every child’s a miracle. And just because this one was (allegedly) conceived in a 30 second tryst in a Staples Center bathroom after a show, doesn’t make it any less so.

Celebrity News: So Crazy, it’s True

Celebrities, they’re who we pretend we’re having sex with when we’re just giving it to the ol’ lady because it feels like it’s probably about time that we should. Celebrities live lives that are too ridiculous to be believed most of the time, flying around the world and being interviewed about the latest thing they were filmed pretending to be, like a soldier, or a talking car, or a talking car soldier. They’re just more interesting than regular people, automatically. But some times real life celebrity stories are almost too stupid to be believed. So we at Van Full of Candy present you with this quick little exercise “Celebrity News: Yuh-huh or Nu-uh”. Can you guess which stories are too good to be true and which are just dumb enough to be real? Come along with us and put your celebrity nonsensiscope to the test!

DON'T HURT MY JUSTY-JUST, MR. PEANUT!

Justin Bieber Rushed to Hospital for Violent Peanut Alergy

Teen, tween and twinfant heart throb Justin Bieber was whisked away to Atlanta Methodist Hospital late last night when he inadvertantly ingested a candy coated cashew that had been mistakenly sprinkled on the frozen yogurt treat that he customarily shares with an adoring fan during his tender ballad “Baby”.

NU-UH: As far as I know Justin Bieber is impervious to pain. There’s no evidence that I know of that he is not in fact an immortal who’s actually been here since the dawn of history, only now finally making himself known to the world. I can’t say any of those things are true or false, but I do know he wasn’t rushed to the hospital because of legume aversion… And he probably doesn’t call a squealing fan up on stage to share a delicious cup of Fro-yo mid concert… But he should…

Imagine my elbow in your stupid nostril!

James Franco Makes Invisible Art/Sells it for Real Money

When he’s not pursuing a multitude of college degrees, acting in soap operas and major stoner themed motion pictures, guest professoring, being a rock star or modeling on the side, you know, to make ends meet, James Franco is hard at work selling sculptures that he hasn’t sculpted and movies that he hasn’t movied.

YUH-HUH: Absolutely fucking true. Not only that, but apparently Johnny Renaissance has helped this pretentious institution well beyond merely contributing the “film” “Red Leaves” (valued at $25) but also a costume from the film, that I should remind you, doesn’t exist (valued at $50) and a sculpture (which exists just as not as the rest of the previously numerated items but is still somehow valued at a non-imaginary $100), but also helping open MONA, the “Museum of Non-Visible Art”. If he wasn’t violently punchable before, now the fact that he’s selling people imagination just makes we want to pummel his squinty face until his head becomes a found object to be used in another imaginary piece of art.

Oh, it's real alright

Kim Kardashian Gets Her Butt X-Ray’d

Khloe Kardashian posts on her blog, “Hey dolls. The PROOF is in the X-ray. Kim’s ass is 100% real!!!”. Kim Kardashian, trying to disprove the theories that her larger than life ass is real, got it X-ray’d to prove that it has no implants in it whatsoever.

YUH-HUH: This story has got to be one of the biggest wastes of medical resources available. If you have to “prove” that your ass is real, then there’s something wrong with white people everywhere, because I can tell you that there is not a single African American male in this world that would ever ask that question to her. And who cares if it’s fake, look at that damn thing, I just wanna snuggle up in it like a bean bag and watch The Neverending Story with a bowl of popcorn.

We f'ing just pulled off the best stunt ever

Jackass Tricks You Again – Ryan Dunn Is Alive

In one of the biggest publicity stunts ever, Ryan Dunn, Bam Magera and Johnny Knoxville of JackAss come clean that the death of Ryan Dunn was the biggest and best prank that they have ever pulled off. Dunn said about the stunt, “the hardest part of this whole thing wasn’t making people believe I was dead, but it was actually crashing my badass Porsche, oh well, it was worth it cause we got ya’ll good this time”. Reports that the local police and fire-department were also in on the prank made it that much more credible.

NU-UH: Sorry kids, this story is not real, well at least it isn’t real yet. See the problem is, we really don’t know if he’s dead or alive, just like we don’t know most of the shit that is spewed to us through the media box that tells us how to live. We don’t know if these guys pulled a sweet-ass prank on the world, or if he really died since they are the boys-who-cry-wolf of a spectacular fashion. If it is true and Ryan Dunn has passed away, then that sucks, but if he’s alive, then that sucks too because: 1. They got us, and: 2. We didn’ t learn that drinking and driving expensive cars at excessive speeds is dangerous, but that it’s a cool way to stunt for publicity.

Crisis in the Holy Land: Biebs vs. Heebs

As regular readers know, we at Van Full of Candy have a love, hate, stab, caress relationship with a certain young pop super star whose name shall be mentioned many dozen times throughout this article. Whether it’s his disappointment in and hatred of rape victims, or his world shaking follicle styling decisions, we have been there every step of the way over the last three plus months of our official existence. Bieber gives us life, his floppy headed stupidity nourishes us, it feeds our machine so that we might feast upon him again.

And so, hearing the news that the Bieb was taking his healing message to the planet’s most picked at open sore, I couldn’t help but be intrigued at the potentially horrible possibilities. And as usual, when it comes to matters of tact and sense, JBiZzle doesn’t disappoint.

"Stop taking pictures of me! I just want my privacy, gosh!"

Justin apparently touched down in the promised land on Monday as part of his “My World” tour. The arrogance and ignorance makes me stronger! I can’t help but giggle at the gall of this little oblivious twat prancing through Perpetualwarslavia with his smoldering hot Canadianess and his utter lack of personal awareness as he takes a walk about across the face of His World. It truly makes me want to punch him in the face with the fist of a million holocaust ghosts. If only Justin had been around a little sooner, perhaps with the power of his disarming wink he could have shown that mean ol’ Adolph that his pursuits were pointless, this is Bieber’s world, and his alone.

A day doesn’t go by that we’re not reminded that America is a Christian Nation and as such, Jesus grew up in Bethlehem, Colorado, so I’m not sure where this beaver pelt wearing, igloo humping Canadian gets off trying to get all uppity that he’s being pestered by paparazzi while trying to visit our God’s explodey birthplace.

We of course know about every tiny perceived hardships that the Bieb is experiencing because of his personal telepathic link to the internets, Twitter. Through his twitter account he has shared his twelve trials, whining about the paparazzi that ”They should be ashamed of themselves. Take pictures of me eating but not in a place of prayer, ridiculous ” and “You would think paparazzi would have some respect in holy places. All I wanted was the chance to walk where Jesus did here in Israel,” And Justin is absolutely right! Finally something I can agree with him completely on. Why can’t the paparazzi show the same level of respect for these holy places that Justin is tweeting that he has… from these holy places. Just because he’s walking in the footsteps of the Christ, doesn’t mean he has to put down his smart phone long enough to actually look around and be respectful of what and where it is that he is bitching about not being respected at. And of course there is no more divine expression of one’s respect and reverence than in the form of a 140 character kvetch. Twitter is the ultimate tool in circumventing damnation from the sin of Hubris, because while you are vainly boasting about your importance and value, you’re only doing it in bite sized portions, so clearly it doesn’t count.

Then you toss on top of all of this there’s the political theatre of snubbing and finger pointing. Justin, rightfully expected an audience with Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu, because he clearly has nothing better to do than to shake hands with a seventeen year old pop star with a delusional sense of self worth. Netanyahu wanted to bring in some kids that earlier in the week had been shot at by rockets and as we all know Justin is allergic to human tragedy and it all became a big kerfuffle and now everyone’s blaming everyone else for a pointless meeting between two people who have no business ever meeting in the first place never happening at all. And we’re all the lesser for it. Somehow.

Now, I know that Justin isn’t doing anything out of malice or with any sort of forethought. He’s a self absorbed child with more money than any of us will ever see if we lived to be three million, and no one telling him no. He’s being no more disrespectful and oblivious than any North American child his age would be. The only difference is that his inane bullshit is being heard by millions of followers. But naturally, we can’t stay mad at you Justin, you’re just too adorable and precocious. So here is a little something we whipped together in your honour (the extra ”u” is for extra Canadian), celebrating our undying love of all things Bieber, combined with my unbridled insanity.

So I invite you all to enjoy the first installment of a potentially limitless part series. Van Full of Candy proudly presents: Bieber Shots!

Bieber Shots #1: Click to enjoy.

Justin Bieber Cuts His Hair

Pouty McPouterson gets a big boy haircut

Scientists at the Clones ‘R’ Us Laboratories in Santa Monica, California have been on high alert for a new endeavor that is about to come down their cell replicating pipeline. The infamous hairdo of Justin Bieber has been shorn like a little sheep, the exact species that Clones ‘R’ Us have perfected in their duplication processes. “We can’t wait to get our hands on that little F’ers hair. We’re going to make the biggest Bieber Army this world has ever seen”, said one of their lead scientists. “… Hundreds of thousands of little Biebers so every teenage girl can have their very own Justin. Not only are we going to clone Justin Bieber, but we’re going to try experimental tests that we’ve never even thought of doing before. We will be planting some of his hair like the

Chia Bieber says: "Good morning, you're so beautiful"

magic beans from ‘Jack and the Beanstalk’ that will grow the most amazing Chia Pet that you’ve ever seen. Bieber’s head comes to life and tells you positive things about yourself every morning as he swings his hair and smiles at you. We also plan on making a daily vitamin supplemented with the oil of his hair so that you will always have the stamina of a 16 year old boy coupled with a singing voice like an angel.” There are so many things that the laboratory plans on doing with this magical coif that they promise we may never suffer through disease or famine ever again.

Not only are scientists jumping on the

An old man and a 12 year old girl

Garden of Eden theory that Justin’s hair will bring the world, but an old hairstyling product has emerged with a breath of new life that will sustain it FOREVER. The only way to cut Justin Bieber’s hair without losing a single strand was to use the 80’s styling tool “The Flowbee”. The carpenter who invented the Flowbee in the late 80’s is beside himself that Bieber has signed on to create a new customized version called “The FlowBieber”. “Holy shit I’m gonna be RICH!!!”, you could hear him screaming from two states away.

Bieber’s publicist said “We knew we couldn’t trust Justin’s hair with any styling tool, we had to capture every hair possible, because any piece that touched the ground had to be burned in honor of the unicorn that died because of it.”

Don't EVER count FLOWBEE out!!

This “haircut heard around the world” is also going to bring in a whole new stream of Bieber fans too. Since the haircut, Justin resembles an awkward 12 year old girl, so a whole new male demographic of tween boys and over 40 men will soon be jumping on that bandwagon as well. So all we have to say is … thank you Justin … your hair and your voice from Heaven made this world a better place, and now, it will make it a perfect place.