Happy Memorial Day Sale – Extra 15% Off + Free Shipping !!

Happy Summer Start Sale You Brave Shopping Soldiers

In honor of all those who have shopped all over this great land of freedom called America (The Mall Of), and for those who have died on the battlefields of miserably long retail lines, we salute you with an extra 10% off your entire purchase if you sign up for one of our credit cards today.

In honor of those who thought American Express cards were accepted at certain stores

Today we honor your frugality and smart fashion sense by raising the American flag briskly to the top of the staff, as fast as the elevator can get you from Juniors on the 1st floor to Women’s Shoes on the third floor. We will then solemnly lower the flag back down to the half-staff position at the “remembrance” speed of an escalator going to Home Furnishings where it will remain until noon, at which point we will raise it back up to full-staff, which was honorably named after having all employees manning their stations right after the lunch rush at Hot Dog on a Stick in the Food Court, where it will remain waving proudly as a symbolic beacon much like the Blue-Light Special at K-Mart.

Memorial Day Sale is a day when family and good friends can get together, BBQ the meats of poorly treated animals, sip on some lemonade and reminisce about our triumph at Macy’s Hill, the tragedy of Pottery Barn Harbor, and all the other war stories of sales gone by and loved ones who didn’t make it out those sales alive. We can watch pretty colored cars spin around a track for 500 miles and consume red, white and blue

I got this hat as a free gift with purchase of $50 of Lancome

lager until we turn crab red whilst lounging by our concrete swim areas in our newly purchased bikinis and board shorts, which did I mention was an extra 25% off since I got there before 6am? And hopefully miss the DUI checkpoint on the way home. Ahh yes!! What a lovely holiday.

Happy Memorial Day Sale to everyone!

Happy Secretary’s Day : Who Says Sexism Is Dead?

“Thank you for calling ACME typewriter company, this is Betty, how can I direct your call?” … How about you be a good girl and fetch me a nice hot cup of jo sweetie, and this time do it the way I like it … two sugars!! Thanks doll. Oh, and if Mr. Smith calls tell him I’m in a meeting! Can you handle all that?

Ahhh yes, the good ‘ol days when you could swat your secretary on her firm, plump, luscious ass and everybody would think you were a powerful man with great baby-making power and tabs at all the finest restaurants in town. A time when men were men and women knew their damn place, in the kitchen or answering the goddamn phone whilst transcribing my dictation to typewritten

I hope someday I'M pretty enough to have a private meeting in Mr. Brown's office

glorious’ness on my extremely expensive company letterhead. The days when coming home meant a warm meal cooking in the oven, a wife to take off your coat and hat, hand you your pipe and scotch (neat), and assist you with your slippers as the tension of a hard day at man’s-work eased off your shoulders as you sat in your handsome leather reading chair and packed in your favorite tobacco. Where have those days gone? Nowadays if a hard-working man even so much as keeps his hands in his pockets too long next thing you know he’s slapped with a sexual harassment suit for fondling himself in front of a subordinate and is taken for everything he and the team of men before him worked so hard to build. Well this women’s lib nonsense has just got to come to a halt, and we mean now! How can we make it look like we actually respect what they do in the workplace? Make them feel that their strides for

They sure don't make 'em like THAT anymore

equality have actually worked? I’VE GOT IT!! We’ll give them a new “respectful” holiday by’golly! We’ll let them feel like they’ve smashed the chains of inequality and have finally made it in our world, the man’s world. And we’ll call it … “Administrative Professional’s Day”! Yes! That’s it, and we will buy them flowers, perhaps a cake and take them out for a nice lunch and make them feel all pretty like. That’ll do it, that’ll make it all nice, see? Us men will still look like heroes, they’ll get the credit that they so deeply seek from us, and it’ll all be wrapped in a nice sexist package that nobody will even see coming.

What? You only used one sugar again? Well … don’t you worry your pretty little head about it, come on over here and sit on my lap and I’ll tell you just how I like it you pretty little gal.

Merry Fifth of Shots

Hey everybody! Looking forward to celebrating the proud Mexican people’s day of Independence!? Well that shit ain’t ’till the middle of September so you’re gonna be dry a long time if that’s what you’re REALLY looking to celebrate. But let’s be honest, that’s not why you’re excited about Cinco de Mayo. We know it’s not why we are. It’s because the fifth of May isn’t about Mexican independence, hell, it’s barely about Mexicans, it’s just another American invented excuse to get shit faced and blame it on the calendar!

Cinco de Mayo is no more about Mexican culture than St. Patrick’s Day is about Irish culture. The both of them are simply about Drinking culture. Which naturally got us to thinking, we’re drunks, we need more excuses for that to be publicly acceptable. And with that in mind Van Full of Candy is proud to present, more vaguely ethnic holiday type events where it’s okay to make a gigantic ass out of yourself in the name of wearing a brightly colored t-shirt proudly exclaiming how you are an ethnicity that you clearly aren’t. For on these days, we are all brothers, we are all drunken Americans!

Gold goin' in and gold goin' out.

April 30th – Casimir the Pole Drunky Day

Poland was established around 700BC, but it wasn’t until the “Piast Dynasty” in 1365 that the first “Polish Joke” was accidentally uttered by Casimir III the Great when he asked “How many damn Poles does it take to polish my scepter?” He got huge laughter from everyone in his royal gold room. So much so that he immediately decreed that to be “the first official Polish joke”. He spake this joke on April 30th, which happened to also be on his birthday, so the celebration is of the birth of the joke and also of the king. The celebration in America consists of wearing one’s favorite red & white apparel in honor of the Polish flag. The drinking aspect of the celebration is all about taking shot upon shot of Goldwasser and coming up with the crudest joke possible until somebody is so offended that a bar fight breaks out. After the brawl everybody hugs and makes up and then throws up.

Smooth, like a Scot's... nothing.

September 8th – Sir Wallace’s Day

To coincide with Braveheart’s original UK theatrical release date, we celebrate the life and liver of Sir William Wallace. What surprises me is with as much as the Scots love to drink, how there isn’t already an excuse holiday in their honor. I mean, there’s a drink named after these punch happy, incomprehensible people! That kind of dedication hasn’t been seen on this planet since the nomadic Schnapps tribes of the third century, finally having run out of drink and having to stop to rest their splitting headaches settled upon a plot of land to call their own and changed their name to “Aztec”. So why don’t we have a drinking holiday celebrating their crazy, drunken culture? Is it because most Americans can’t tell the difference between a Scot and a dirty low down swarthy Irishman? Probably, but we’ll teach them how! Paint your face, slur something about how they can take your empty, but they can never take away your freedom to buy another round, fall down and be peed on. We’re all Scottish today laddie!

"Wanted (WANTED!), dead or alive!"

December 7th – Super Imbibe Number One Sing Night Go!

Before most people only thought of the Japanese people as dangerously irradiated and damp, they were largely recognized as a quiet, polite, buttoned down people. Of course, they also enjoy the most ridiculous and insane game shows ever devised by asylum inmates, and like their pornography filled with tentacles. The Japanese people are fucking confusing. But one thing is certain, they love Sake. After a hard day at work the Japanese business men will take the train out to the bars, sing karaoke and get absolutely pissed with their bosses. Slobbering drunk and belligerent and then the next day go back into work and resume their quiet work a day roles. The date of Super Imbibe Number One Sing Night Go is an attempt to take back a day that frankly hasn’t lived in infamy for quite some time since most of the Greatest Generation is almost gone by now, and really, it’s for the best, they’ve been making all of the rest of us look kind of shitty for a long time. We’ll feel much better about ourselves and our singing voices as we turn our ties into head bands, belt out some Bon Jovi and celebrate Super Imbibe Number One Sing Night Go! A day that will live in drinkfamy! 

Thai "Cheers Beer" Girls - Best Holiday EVER!!

December 21 – Railroad of Death Day

In the year 1941, Japan really really wanted to get to the Malayan frontier probably to call it their own or shoot some shit up. Regardless of their motive, Thailand happened to be in the way.

The Japanese army did not want to go ALLLLL the way around Thailand to get there so they said “let us cross your land”. They didn’t say please or anything, so the Thai’s took exception to that and said “ummm yeah no”, to which Japan said “WAR!!”. After the entire 8 hours of the war, Thailand said “You know what? we’re done, go ahead and cross. But with one exception. You help us build a railroad across our country.” Japan agreed and sent over 200,000 Asian “helpers” and 60,000 POWs, all of which died in the severe working conditions and the beatings that were given by the Japanese. So to celebrate this, America dresses up in railroad prisoner garb and let themselves get “beat” by the proprieters of each bar they attend on their “Bar Railroad Crawl”. It’s one of the least popular celebrations due to the pain, but is heralded as the best Thai celebration ever. The popular drink for this day is actually comprised of Thai beer and a shot of sake to signify the two countries coming together for their time of mass slave killing, it’s fittingly called “The Railroad Beating”.

Van Full of Easter Candy

Easter is traditionally celebrated for two things:

a) the brutal shit kicking of Jesus Horatio Christ, culminating in his being affixed to a tree and propped up in Rome’s front yard like a pink flamingo that’s been kicked in the face for an hour. You know, for you and your stupid sins.

And

2) delicious seasonal candies.

We here at Van Full of Candy, naturally, spend a good portion of our day talking about the former. But we’re not monsters, after all, “Candy” is either 1/3 or 1/4 of our name, depending upon whether or not you personally count the ”of”. So it would stand to reason that we at VFoC love candy at least as much as commemorating your personal lord and savior’s unholy beat down.

So with that in mind, Van Full of Candy will be transformed for this weekend into the Van Full of Easter Candy, and present to you a showdown of delicious and not so delicious treats that mangy Spring Rabbit might crap into your pastel hued Jesus basket!

The orange colored dye is good for your sight

Whitman’s Marshmallow Carrot

Easter just keeps falling deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole. As time continues on and the real reason for Easter keeps getting pushed further and further away, we’ll have more time to ignore the brutal crucifixion of Jesus, and focus on the happy happy fun time Easter bunny and all that comes along with him. Like eggs, and little pink & yellow birdies, and jellybeans, and now … carrots? Are we just completely running out of rabbit associated candied paraphernalia to avert our eyes from the grandeur of Christ’s suffering? Oh wait, they’re made out of marshmallow? Ok then never mind, these are cool.

- versus -

Chock full of essential vita-yums!

Reese’s Pieces Carrot

It’s Reese’s Pieces, already, a win. Only the orange ones of course, because if they had the yellow and brown ones it would look like Maze, and this isn’t Thanksgiving, so get back to being a conveniently forgotten national shame, “Native Americans”. And all of these orange tasties are all wrapped up in a pointy baggy with green edges. It’s a peanut butter carrot. If “real” carrots tasted like this, I would shit rabbits. But they don’t, so I’m legally blind. Fortunately I just have to follow the orange, peanut butter scented blur to my daily allotment of beta caroyum!

Don't eat too many, we're going to McDonald's for dinner

Weight Watchers Chocolate Mousse Eggs

Nothing says “sorry kids, we’re horrible parents and fed you to obesity” more than getting one of these super yummy Weight Watchers mousse eggs in your basket, and it’s ONLY 1 POINT per egg!! So eat up kids!! I’m sure it tastes just like real chocolate like all the other kids in the neighborhood got, and I’m sure there won’t be any teasing when everybody is comparing what they got in their baskets. Thanks mom!

- versus -

They also sell individual eggs in a uranium shipping container.

Marshmallow Eggs by the Carton

Okay, I get what you’re doing here. A carton of eggs. Cute. By all rights, this should be a solid treat, the idea of chocolate covered marshmallow is a sound one. It’s chocolate, it’s marshmallow, there’s nothing not delicious there. But somehow they seem to find the worst of both elements, make them unreasonably small and store them in the worst possible way, selling these miniscule chalky marshmallowesque lumps slathered in a dry, crumbly chocolateish shell in a full sized styrofoam egg carton that could easily accommodate three times as much “candy” as it’s asked to foster. And I’ll give you six to one, in a decomposition race the marshmallow egg dances on the styrofoam’s grave.

God, Chocolate, Government ... The Easter Trifecta

Bunny Money

If you can find an Easter candy that embodies religion, government, chocolate and poor taste as much as this sweet little gem from the horrible people at Whitman’s does, then I’ll actually eat a piece of any Russell Stover “chocolate” of your choosing. My mouth just did that pre-throw up watering thing. “In God We Trust” takes a whole new meaning for the kids when they find this edible currency in their Easter basket. Not only do they get to associate the importance of the almighty dollar with a tummy ache, they also get taught that Jesus’ death symbol (the rabbit) is as important as a US President and tastes like sweet chocolate death.

- versus -

Please hear my prayers, for nummy treats.

Palmer Hear My Prayer Double Crisp

Palmer is science’s answer to candy. While mostly relegated to dollar stores (I can only assume to protect the general populace from excessive delicious), a lot of Palmer candies do still make it out into the “retail” world. Their fudge cups are one of my personal year round favorites, and I love any sort of holiday shaped confections they churn out throughout the year. But you see, the thing I love most about Palmer candies is that they don’t bullshit you. They come right out and tell you that hey, we’re chocolate FLAVORED. They make no claims of being actual chocolate and I respect that. I don’t know what exactly it is that I’m eating, but it tastes like yum to me. And with these sinfully delicious crispy chocolate prayer hands the good people at Palmer sure know how to put the Christ back in Christ-Easter-mas. I’ll tell you what I’m praying for… MORE!

Happy Spring Rabbit Festival everybody, have a big ‘ol tummy ache for us.

St. Patrick’s Day Butt Dial [AUDIO]

Click Here To Listen

Incoming message: 3/17/2011 – 10:43 pm

March 17, 2011

Jesse - (10:43 pm)
hey

Jesse – (10:48 pm)
hey

Jesse – (11:09 pm)
hey

Allison – (11:14 pm)
What?

Jesse – (11:14 pm)
hey

oh, hi. whats up??

Allison – (11:16 pm)
You texted me, Jesse.

Jesse – (11:17 pm)
no you did

Allison - (11:21 pm)
Are you drunk?

Jesse – (11:22 pm)
r u stll pretty? *<;’P

hello?

Allison – (11:35 pm)
Did you just send me a winky clown with his tongue stuck out emoticon?

Jesse - (11:37 pm)
(download: image (145k))
member this???

Allison – (11:38 pm)
What’s that in the background? Is that a pool table?

Jesse – (11:40 pm)
hahahahahahh lol!!!!! thats my penis!!!!!!!

Allison – (11:41 pm)
I know that’s your penis, why are you taking pictures of your penis in a crowded bar and sending them to me? How drunk are you?

Jesse - (11:43 pm)
i miss u

Allison – (11:47 pm)
Don’t do this.

Jesse – (11:48 pm)
(download: image (152k))

Allison – (11:51 pm)
Why is your penis wet?

Jesse – (11:52 pm)
IM CRYING! ON MY PENIS! I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Allison – (11:54 pm)
Please put your penis away.

Jesse – (11:55 pm)
(download: image (139k))
iT LOOSK LIKE ITS DRINKING MY BEEr1!!@ aHAHhaha!!

hello?

March 18th, 2011

Allison – (12:02 am)
Please stop texting me.

Jesse – (12:03 am)
what happened to us? huh? what happened to us i dont remember what happened?

Allison – (12:05 am)
You were an unemployed slob.

Jesse – (12:08 am)
no, but what else?

Allison – (12:09 am)
You slept with my sister.

Jesse – (12:21 am)
what?

Allison – (12:23 am)
Do you have a ride home?

Jesse – (12:24 am)
its early. im irish! drink im gonna, tired

Allison – (12:25 am)
Is Jason there?

Jesse - (12:27 am)
r u fuckin jason now!??? what the fuck? shit where is that fuck!

WERE IS HE!>!?!?!<?!?

Allison – (12:36 am)
Do you have a ride home?

Jesse - (12:38 am)
do yu no were my keys are? did i give you my keys?

Allison - (12:39 am)
Where are you? I’ll come and pick you up.

Jesse - (12:41 am)
im on the flor

Allison – (12:42 am)
Why do you have to do this every holiday?

Jesse – (12:45 am)
u never undrstood me see. i dont do this every holiday i do this when ever and sometimes its a holiday then!

Allison - (12:47 am)
Do you have unlimited texts?

Jesse – (12:48 am)
ah can’ text all nite bebe! LOL!

Allison – (12:50 am)
I’m going to go, if you need a ride home let me know.

Jesse – (12:51 am)
dont go, its coo. i miss you

Allison - (12:53 am)
I miss you too sometimes.

Jesse – (12:59 am)
(download: image (216k))
WHOA!!lol

Allison - (1:04 am)
Good night Jesse.

Jesse – (1:05 am)
im not tired. dont go. not tired at all

(1:12 am)
in not tired im not tired m not tired

im singing the im not tired song. everybody in the bar loves iot

(1:19 am)
some guy told me tu stop singing with his fist

fuchker

Jesse – (2:41 am)
Excuse me. I’m sorry it’s late. Do you know the person at this number?

I’m sorry if you’re asleep but I need to find someone who knows this guy.

Allison - (2:53 am)
Who is this?

Jesse – (2:57 am)
My name’s Darrin, I’m the bouncer at Patrick O’Shots. Do you know this guy?

(download: image (221k))

Allison – (2:59 am)
He had pants earlier.

Jesse – (3:10 am)
He doesn’t now.

Allison – (3:12 am)
I’ll be right there.

Jesse – (3:13 am)
Yeah, I’ll prop him up outside by the door.

Allison – (3:14 am)
Do you guys have any towels you can spare?

Jesse – (3:16 am)
It was St. Patrick’s Day, we’ve got plenty of extras.

Allison – (3:17 am)
Great, can you just put one under him when you set him out?

Jesse – (3:21 am)
Under him? You don’t want to me to cover him up with it?

Allison – (3:22 am)
Trust me, it’s better to set the towel under him. I’ll be right there.

VFoC’s Official Drinking Game Rules

"Happy St. Wednesday, I'm buying shots!"

We at Van Full of Candy enjoy drinking. And no, we do not have a problem. That’s for amateurs. We are professional grade imbibers. But we generally save our heavy drinking for special occasions, namely, holidays which celebrate Saints. St. Valentine, St. Patrick, St. Nicholas, St. President’s Day, St. Wednesday.

And while drinking until you involuntarily head butt the floor is fun enough on it’s own, we also like to add a competitive social element to the festivities when ever possible. To wit, the drinking game. In doing a little research we found that some people like to over complicate the process of getting drunk, using cards or dice or any assortment of non-alcohol based extraniousness. We have always found that the best drinking games are the simplest. Played by a group of people who can still vaguely make out shapes and sounds around them and are mostly capable of shouting a mouth full of sounds that could vaguely resemble the word “Drink!”

So we at Van Full of Candy want to make sure you get the very most out of your government sanctioned national day of over indulgence with our very own VFoC Drinking Game rules*. Grab a pencil and a napkin and take these down if you want to have a night you will truly never forget! (Because you can’t forget it, if you can’t remember it.)

* Van Full of Candy can not be held responsible for any jail time that may and probably will result in the following of these rules. Van Full of Candy also does not sanction, condone or approve of drinking to the point of alcohol poisoning. Know your own personal limits light weight and of course, always drink Responsibly**.

** “Responsibly” is the only officially endorsed Absinthe brand of Van Full of Candy. ALWAYS, drink Responsibly.

The rules:

• If you see someone wearing green, drink. If you see someone wearing orange, drink. If you can still see someone, drink.
• If you eat any green food, drink. If it wasn’t intentionally green, take a shot.
• When ever someone bumps into you, drink. If you spill any of your drink, pound that drink and then drink.
• Every time a girl says “No thank you” drink the drink you bought for her and tell her it wasn’t for her anyway, and that she’s a stupid ugly cunt. Return to your group, high-five everyone and drink.
• If you hear someone fake an Irish accent, drink. If you hear someone mistakenly use a Scottish accent, take a shot. If you hear a British accent, quietly sneak out of the bar and rig a home-made explosive to the bastard’s ignition!
• The first person to go to the bathroom has to finish everybody else in the groups drinks
• If you’re the first to pass out, drink.
• If you shit yourself before you vomit on yourself, drink.
• If you hear a U2 song, shout “I’m Bono!”, give your friend a dollar and drink.
• If you’re in a bar starting with “O’” or “Mc”, drink. If your bar starts with “El” or “Los” take a shot of tequilla.
• If at any point you start singing, you can be punched once for each verse you begin.
• If you run out of money, drink.
• If you hear the song “Danny Boy”, cry about how much you miss your dad, drink, punch your friend, hug, cry and drunk.
• If you urinate in the street, drink. If you urinate on a police horse, take a shot.
• If you wake up with a new tattoo, drink. If it’s misspelled, take a shot.
• If at any point anyone is impregnated, you are immediately disqualified.
• If you hear anyone yell “dude” or “bro” drink, throw your empty bottle at them: if you miss drink, if you hit them, drink.
• If a girl screams out of drunken excitement, drink. If she screams due to sexual assault, you should probably tell somebody, to take a shot.
• If at any point you see a Leprechaun, your friends are dicks and you’re gonna have to ride this one out. And drink.
• If you see a Boston Celtics jersey, you have to drink according to the number on the jersey.
• If you see a Los Angeles Lakers jersey, quietly sneak out of the bar and rig a home-made explosive to the bastard’s ignition!
• If at any point you lose a shoe, your remaining shoe becomes your travel mug.
• If you don’t have a drink in each hand, drink. If you only have one hand, you drink free all night with a good “how I lost my fucking hand” story.
• If anybody claims that they’re actually irish, you must punch them, then kiss them, then punch them, then drink.
• If you drunk dial an ex, drink. If you cry and tell her how sorry you are, take a shot. If you accidentally dial your current while trying to dial your ex and cry about how sorry you are, you buy the next round.
• Anytime somebody with a blinky light on their shirt walks by, throw up in your mouth, then drink.
• Whenever a girl slurs “Oh my god I love you!” to anyone, drink.

And of course…

• The last person to vomit gets to do so on the first person who vomited.

Happy St. Wheneversday! Chug, chug, chug! Blackout. Fall.

The 2011 Pre-St. Paddy’s Day Pub Crawl-Pub Crawl

Wednesday March 16^th

10:30am – Apartment

Hey, what’s up everyone, just wanted to get the live blog updatestarted with the 2011 Pre St. Patty’s Day Pubcrawl here on campus where they get things started early. So early in fact, that I’m actually already a couple of hours behind everyone else since I woke up so late after some fierce beer-pong last night. But LET’S PAAAAARTAAAAAAAY. I mean shit, tomorrow is the big Green day, so lets get our pubcrawl on!!

11:00am – O’Shannahan’s Grill

Ok, sweet, we just arrived at the kick-off bar. It’s packed in here, damn! So tradition is that you have to drink two green beers and eat two of their green hard boiled Luck O’ The Sam I Am eggs before you can leave. And if you don’t, they put green underwear over your neck that you have to wear the rest of the day as a badge of shame. And that AIN’T happening to me THIS year.

11:30am

Just finished the eggs, they were a bit dry and hard to swallow, but the beer washed it down pretty well, and I’m feeling just a little bloated. Earned my stripes and I’m off. Let’s take a look at the map here.

11:50am – Lucy’s Taqueria

I know this isn’t a traditional Irish bar, but it’s on the “crawl list” and it’s stop #2. Ok, so inside Lucy’s you’re supposed to have the “Irish Mexican”. It’s similar to an Irish Car Bomb but it has different ingredients, lets see here. It’s a pint of Dos Equis, a shot glass of Jose Cuervo, two tablespoons of green chile salsa for color and topped with Bailey’s Irish Cream and it’s served with a green quesadilla.

11:55am

Oh man, that wasn’t as good as I thought it would be. That really filled me up. Ok, but I’m good, so lets keep on doing this THANG! Whoa, just burped and it tasted like egg and sweet creamy salsa, nasty. Getting a good buzz going here though. Let’s move on. We’re goin’ til midnight, no time to puss out now.

12:00pm – McLoughlin’s Clover Pub

Alright sweet. We’re at one of the town’s oldest bars now. Just took a quick leak in the john and ready for some more shinanigans. Ok, so here at McLoughlin’s, you need to do an Irish jig with Seamus and Quinn without spilling your Black & Tan, so here goes.

12:10pm

Jesus, that was a workout and then drinking the Black and Tan, whew, I’m getting BLOOOOAted. But god damnit, lets do this the right way, buck up son, lets move on. Oh wait, I really need to belch, hang on. Go ahead, I’ll be right out.

12:40pm – Outside

Oh jeez, sorry that took so long, all that dancing really got things all stirred up in my belly. Wow, that wasn’t pretty. I’m just realizing that I’m really trashed actually, it’s like everything I smell is Irish, but everything I taste is Mexico. Ok, I’m doing better now, lets go.

12:45pm – Bengal Tiger Curry Kitchen

I’m really not too sure about this one. Hang on, it smells really strong in here I need a second.

12:50pm

I’m better now, let’s rock this shit. Alright, so I just need to pound a Green Curry Guinness Mosambi. Not so bad, it has an orange flavor to … HOLY SHIT THIS IS HOT!! God it’s boiling my intestines, is this some sort of sick joke? Oh crap I just puked on the floor, oh look it’s the eggs, cool. What do you mean get out? I just bought your sick curry bullshit and … ARRRGGGHHH ITS STILL BURNING!! Fine! I’ll leave, but I hate you!! I’m not slurring, you are.

1:00pm – Outside Sitting on Sidewalk

I don’t need your stupid help! I’M FINE!! We still have 11 hours, so come on! Move! Uggh, I fell. Where’s next? Hmmm? I’m not going to that stupid apartment, thasss for quitters! You wann me to quit? EFF YOU! See? I didn’t even cuss cuz I’m fine! Hang on gotta … oh there’s the Mexican food. Smells like curry, what the EFF? Where are we?

4:13pm – Apartment Bathroom

How’d I get to here in this, what’s the toilet? Oh hi I’m drunk! I don’t really know who got me here. Alright! Why is there underwear around my neck? Ok, well I’m much better now, so I’m gonna go back out and tell … but it’s so comfy right here. Bathroom rug, you’re so soft, I love you, you’re blue.

VFoC’s Presidents Day Fun Facts

The public school system is failing. Ask any public school kid now a days to give you the names of every US President and they’d probably have a hard time coming up with even half of the 59 men who have served in this country’s highest office.

That is why we at Van Full of Candy take our role as keepers of the flame of history and smolderer of the embers of knowin’ stuff very seriously. And while you may know that Abraham Lincoln chopped down a rope bridge to escape cannibalistic tribesmen only to lose the artifacts he fought so hard to procure, or that George Washington would routinely refer to himself in the third person and was generally kind of a dick, there are so many interesting facts about those other ones too. 

So it is with great pride and honor that we present to you on this day, Van Full of Candy’s President’s Day Fun Facts:

Smelled of Strong Man body oil.

John Tyler, Jr. (March 29, 1790 – January 18, 1862) was the tenth President of the United States (1841–1845)

Before being elected the 10th President of the United States, John Tyler had many odd jobs, including, but not limited to, bee salesman, wooden indian, snake confuser, gypsy strangler, boat anchor, cart wheeler and wild dog tracker. Well into his second year in office President Tyler would, for a nickle, allow visiting dignitaries the opportunity to guess how many jellied sweets resided in the over sized jar that he kept on his desk.

Lost his neck to a shifty Frenchman.

James Knox Polk (1795-1849) was the 11th President of the United States (1845-1849)

President Polk isn’t one of the more famous Presidents, his face isn’t engraved on stone monuments, nor does it reside on any currency. He was, however, one of the hardest working Presidents in history, if not the hardest working, so much so, that he died three months after his Presidency ended. He was the “dark horse” candidate that surprised everyone by actually winning over Henry Clay of the rival Whig Party, which is surprising coincidence since Polk never wore a wig. No! He had gorgeous locks of long flowing hair, and he is actually the first President who declared an actual hairstyle, “The Mullet”. He was a barber’s nightmare, and a redneck’s hero. He loved his hair and was quite a vain individual. He was the first President to have an actual picture taken of himself. He took a self portrait of himself in a bathroom mirror. It was the beginning of the Facebook profile pic.

Once ate 3 1/2 bears.

Rutherford Birchard Hayes (October 4, 1822 – January 17, 1893) was the 19th President of the United States

Ruthoford B. Hayes once famously wrestled the time traveling future ghost of Warren G. Harding in the Oval Office for thirth seven confusing minutes. Historians report that throughout the altercation the spector of Harding kept angrilly referring to President Hayes as “Taft” despite the President’s repeated assurances to the time displaced phantom that he neither was this Taft gentleman nor did he know of whom he was speaking.

Always called tails.

Chester Allen Arthur (1829-1886) was the 21st President of the United States (1881-1885)

Known as Elegant Arthur for his expensive taste in clothes and home furnishings, Chester would like to prance around the streets of Vermont with a small dog in a fancy “shopping” bag. It is said that he once spent $17 for a pocket kerchief that was made entirely of the tears of Sitting Bull (in modern day currency values, the kerchief was worth $3,200). He was very smitten with the piano and writing poems. One of his poems was actually used verbatim for “The Whisper Song” by Ying Yang Twins. Not only was he a contributor to the music industry, but he was also the model for Quaker Oats oatmeal, and was the great great grandfather of Captain Kangaroo.

Isn't your grandpa.

Benjamin Harrison (1833-1901) was the 23rd President of the United States (1889-1893)

Lovingly referred to as “Old Man Ben”, or “Who’s that?”, Benjamin Harrison was in all actuality the 23rd President. It was during a time when the United States decided not to have a President anymore, and good ol’ Ben was accidentally elected when his bar tab was mistakenly dropped into an old ballot box that was supposed to be thrown away at Obadiah’s Tavern. He had a very low key term since nothing happened in America those four years, but one odd bit of history was that he got his face on a stamp in 1902.

Kicked a man to death in West Virginia on a dare.

Gerald Rudolph Ford, Jr. (born Leslie Lynch King, Jr.; July 14, 1913 – December 26, 2006) was the 38th President of the United States

The Emancipation Proclimation was an executive order enacted by President Abraham Lincoln on January 1, 1863, which in effect signaled the immediate end of slavery in the United Stated. Despite this though, it is a little known fact that Gerald Ford was the first US President to hold the office while not currently owning slaves. Ford sold his last fourteen slave only three months before Richard Nixon’s resignation. That streak of non-slave owning Presidents was of course broken in 2008 with the election of Barack Obama.

VFoC’s Valentine’s Day Fun Facts!

As I’m sure your Girlfriend has reminded you by now, Monday is Valentine’s Day, the annual celebration of all things heart-shaped and diamond encrusted. And like most ancient American greeting card manufactured celebrations, many of the origins of the holiday have been lost to the annals of history. Thankfully, we at Van Full of Candy are experts at pretending we know things and have unearthed in our vault a series of long buried, little known facts about this most manipulative of holidays. So snuggle up with the person you’re still with because it would be just too damned much trouble to move on like you both know you should have a long time ago… ENJOY!

Love is a good right cross.

Valentine’s Day is celebrated around the world, though with sometimes subtle differences from region to region. In Germany, lovers exchange small, red velvet boxes filled with a their own feces, in Australia couples take turns drunkenly punching each other in the throat until a perfectly heart-shaped bruise appears and in Africa, where female circumcision is often practiced, the holiday is oddly not celebrated so much.

No Goldenseal?

St. Valentine was chosen to represent the holiday of love only be default since St. Guilttrippingo failed his mandatory piss test for HGH. St. Guilttrippingo was very vehement that he was innocent, but the Roman Empire Athletic Commission had very stringent rules and decided to give the title to St. Valentine who happened to be standing in line waiting to give a sample for his application for the Post Office.

Jesus vs. Jesus...

Over the years in the search for its own Santa or Easter Bunny or drunken stereotype many mascots had been tried for Valentine’s Day including “Heartsy, the Human Heart”, unfortunately living outside the body and without a constant flow of blood Heartsy’s life span didn’t make for a sustainable mascot. Other contenders over the years included “Sqwirsh, the Chocolate Stuffed Teddy Bear”, “Blingy, the Sapphire Monster” and “Gimmie-Gimmie, the gift eating Vagina”. Ultimately though, the Valentine’s organizers settled on a naked flying baby archer.

Should have worn my bright orange diaper

In 1992, the Department of Justice – Bureau of Firearms stated in a press release that the arrow toting hunter known as Cupid applied for an assault weapon license. They went on to state that the application stated that “my bow and arrow are too antiquated and I need to shoot my love from longer distances”. The Bureau decided to deny the “God of Desire” a license for such a weapon, but however did state that they would allow him to carry a crossbow instead. Two years later, Cupid was involved in a freak hunting accident where he was mistaken for a wild boar and killed by a hunter with, ironically, an arrow. His replacement is named Jeff and lives in Wisconsin.

See you in August.

Many people often mistakenly believe February 14th to have a measurably higher rate of suicides than any other day of the year. The commonly held belief is that this holiday, meant specifically to be shared with someone you love, following so closely to Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Eve, all major holidays celebrating family, togetherness and camaraderie more often lead to the lonely and disenfranchised to finally succumb to the growing darkness in their soul, finally turning to the sweet embrace of death to release them from the pain of the waking world.

When in actuality the day with the single highest rate of suicides by a margin of 36 to 1 is, not surprisingly, August 3rd, Suicide Day, which commemorates the life and death of “St. Noosius Ligature, the Patron Saint of Oh What’s the Point”

The last little known fact that VFoC was able to uncover in our labs of tedious and exhausting research about the day when we are all forced to show our significant other that we absolutely love them, is one that might really throw the whole holiday for a loop, and one that we really struggled with even letting out of the bag, but thought that if we didn’t we would be doing all of our readers a complete injustice. What we found was nothing

Make it and they shall eat

you could find in any history book or even urbandictionary.com. It was found in a wheat field in southeast England in the early 18th century as a different variety of a crop circle. It was an actual See’s Candy Nuts & Chews crop “formation”. It was in the shape of a heart and distinct detail of the chocolates were very pronounced. In the middle of the “Nuts & Chews” crop formation was a scroll, and on the scroll read “A Diamond is Forever, but chocolate will fatten all of you humans up nicely for our return in 2012 for our 2nd-coming-feeding”. It also had the answer to See’s Candy most expensive chocolate truffle that they make, but that has been lost and the actual secret is still intact. So not to scare any of you with apocalyptic findings, just go ahead and ignore this last finding, venture out and buy some pretty roses, a sappy card, and a big fat box of chocolates and enjoy the holiday.

Happy 2nd-coming … errr, Valentine’s Day to EVERYONE!!