US Army Vet Un-invites Cameron Diaz to “Fondue Fun Night”, Invites Zach Galifianakis

The Marines are bringin' sexy back

Holy crap !! When I read today that Justin Timberlake had attended the Marine Corps Ball over the weekend, I thought “Oh my GAWD, did I accidentally stand up Cameron Diaz?”. For whatever crazy reason, I forgot to put the Fondue Fun Night at The Melting Pot in my calendar, but in a fortunate scheduling miracle, I had made the occasion on the same night as the OTHER Marine Corps Ball, the one where Mila Kunis will be attending on November 18th. Phhhhhhhhhhhhew !! I read that JT had an incredible time with his YouTube date even going so far as saying, “Last night changed my life, and I will never forget it!”, just as Fondue Fun Night will change your life Cameron, I swear it !!

Now, granted, I acknowledge the fact that Cam-Cam hasn’t “replied” to my video invite “officially” yet via YouTube or/and an email, a phone call, a comment in these posts, a middle finger, ANYTHING, etc., but I know how busy these celebrity types are with their movies, and their interviews, and their money, all that fucking money. I’m sure it was just an accidental oversight on her part, or her assistant’s part, or her publicist’s part, or maybe her camera phone hasn’t been working lately. It’s ok … I don’t mind waiting around for a reply, I’ll just sit here and … hmmmmmm … you know what? Forget her !! Now that I look back to see when the initial invite went out, it’s been over four months now !! That’s just DAMN RUDE CAMERON DIAZ !! So as of right this minute on today’s date, I am retracting my invitation to you Cameron, sorry, but I’m also a entertainment professional, and I just cant be strung on like this, so, it’s off. I’m very sorry.

So, I’m going to change my invite to somebody who won’t act so unprofessional by toying with one’s emotions. Here’s my NEW video invite …

Not Even Melon Sex is Safe Anymore

Fresh from your grocer's aisle !!

Gone are the days of a good ‘ol fashion melon pounding thanks to this latest punishment to the people, bestowed upon us by a spiteful and vengeful god. You know, I really don’t understand how a melon STD outbreak is even possible, let alone fair. I mean, what the hell is ‘listeria’ anyway? It’s not like I’m out coveting my neighbor’s wife, or out killing people for no apparent reason. All I’m doing is taking a succulent, juicy, perfectly round, sexy melon and making sweet sweet love to it, and for that I’m gonna be treated like a scene out of Magnolia? Well isn’t THAT some bullshit ??

Lets start this from the beginning shall we? Many years ago as I found myself with several hours of nothing to do alone in my house, I stumbled upon a website that gave many “fresh ideas” on how to pleasure one’s self. There were many, many, MANY ideas to try, so being the dedicated researcher that I am, I had to at least test a FEW of them out, you know … for science.

I ventured out on an exciting and naughty “melon-quest” and after several hours of pickyness, I purchased a fine melon from my local grocer. Sex-melons need to be the correct size to one’s anatomy, as to not bottom out on the old gal and cheating yourself out of the full experience. So for those of you taking notes, the bigger the better (you could go as big as a watermelon but those things get a little out of control once you start making out). I then took my new “girlfriend” home and placed her out in the sun for a couple hours to let her get nice and hot on the inside (it’s not a necessary step, but it’s so worth it, trust me). You then carefully take your paring knife and carve a hole right on the … Oh wait? What??!!

Well this is awkward, I was just told that people are getting sick and dying from EATING melons that are infected with ‘listeria’, so yeah, go ahead and forget all that other stuff that I was talking about, that was all just a little fun-time joke for the blog.

HOLY BASTARD! It’s American Cheese Month!

I love two things in this sad mockery of an existence that I do charitably call a life. One is the sound a human soul makes when a person finally realizes that none of their life’s ambiti0ns will ever be met and that their entire being has been one long string of lies to themselves promising a better day in some mythical “tomorrow” that will not only never come, but had never even been in the first place. And the other is cheese.

So why the shit am I just now finding out that October, THIS October, the one that we’re in right the fuck now, has been declared by no lesser body than the American Cheese Society to be the first annual “American Cheese Month”!? Huh? HUH?! Oh yes it is. You look that shit up!

Where? Where might you look up information on American Cheese Month you ask? Where might news and information about this most wondrous of celebrations be hidden on the internets? So difficult, nigh impossible to find, buried in all of the complexities of cryptic URLs? Well, only at AMERICANCHEESEMONTHDOTMUTHAFUCKIN’ORG! It’s been right there the whole damned time and nobody even bothered to tell me!? Fuckers!

You know who loves cheese more than me? Do you have a guess? Go on, guess. No, go on, I’ll give you one guess. You know what, I’ll give you a million guesses. I’ll give you 7 billion guesses. You could name every other human being on this planet, living or undead and each and every guess would be the fuck wrong! Because NOBODY is the answer! Nobody loves cheese more than I do. No ten men combined love cheese even a hundredth as much as I do! If you took the next hundred men who love cheese less than me, and stacked them all, one after another on top of each others shoulders, I would punch them in the fucking nuts and yell “I LOVE CHEESE!” in their stupid non-cheese loving faces!

You know how much you love breathing? That’s ALMOST as much as I love cheese!

I love cheese like diabetics hate feet!

This is the most adorably small of my cheese pantries...

So here I am, over a third of the way through this glorious month of cheese celebration, I have all of this lost cheese time to make up and by god, I’m going to attack cheese with a fury unmatched by any of my previous innumerous cheese gorging sessions on record. I already eat an unreasonable amount of cheese. Give me a REASON to do so without limit and I will do dangerous things to my colon. Tell me that I’ve MISSED almost two weeks of cheesy self abuse and there is no hope for me and in lieu of flowers you should send gifts of cheese to my grave because I will still be cramming cheese down my eat hole a full 96 hours after I’ve been declared clinically, legally and in all other ways deceased.

And like I, this grotesque cheese monster that I am, need any sort of guidance on how I should abuse my innards with cheese, the article that informed me of the existence of this month long Cheesebration offers some suggestions of how to worship this most holy of milk based food stuffs.

1. Visit a local cheese maker and watch how cheese is made.

Doom says “Pah!” I don’t need to sit outside a plexiglass room in a paper surgical mask while some high falutin’ Cheeseologist punches a cow in the teets until a springer spaniel dressed like a garden gnome scares itself with its own fart — I KNOW how cheese is made!

2. Find out if you’re local grocery store carries any local cheeses. If they do, buy one instead of your normal block of cheddar from the dairy aisle.

You son of a bitch. Are you trying to tell me how to buy cheese? Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to? I’ve had cheeses that could kill a man like you, don’t you presume, City Jim, that a sniveling hamster turd like you could ever lecture me on cheese selection! Don’t you DARE!

3. Follow the cheese trail. Like a wine trail, a cheese trail takes you from one cheese producer to the next — all located close to each other.

Clearly this list is being put together for babies, because if you think I haven’t stalked every cheese maker within’ driving distance to the point of physical expulsion and permanent banishment from their premises already, then you just don’t understand a passion for cheese which has resulted in multiple bullet riddled misunderstandings.

4. Make your own cheese. Mozzarella cheese is considered one of the easiest cheeses for beginners to make.

You want me to make a what? Mozzarella? You’re telling me to make a mozzarella?! Fuck a mozzarella! I made my first mozzarella in my first trimester! You know what I want to make? I wanna make a Fahlshmacher! Without question THE single most difficult cheese to master. And do you know what makes a Fahlshmacher so difficult to make? The fact that it doesn’t even exist since I just made it the fuck up! Mozzarella?! I’ll barbeque my entire taint before I waste your time and MINE on a god damned mozzarella!

And the rest of the list just goes on like that with suggestions like ordering cheese for desert, trying goat cheese, “Attend or host a wine and cheese tasting” AND “Attend or host a beer and cheese tasting” as two separate suggestions because this fraud couldn’t even come up with ten cheese related things to do without just changing one word and calling it journalism! He even suggests following a cheese blog. Sir, I AM a cheese blog.

But it was his final suggestion that nearly led to the deaths of all of those around me by the sheer power of my radiated anger.

10. Build a better grilled cheese sandwich.

Uuuh-UH--GGUHHH! ... Okay, gonna need fresh pants...

You sir, come to my home, slap around my wife, urinate on my children and violate my furniture in ways that it was not expressly built to be inserted, and you have the gall to not only tell me to build a better grilled chee, but to then include ANOTHER link to a list of ten grilled cheese sammiches. The spontaneous explosion of a Queensland Primary school class egret named “Falkland” went largely unreported this afternoon, but I know it happened, since I spent the next sixty-eight minutes after reading this suggestion concentrating all of my rage and anger unto that poor animal. And in it’s final moments, it knew, it understood and it high fived me through the astral plane knowing that it’s explosion would not be in vain.

Don’t you talk to me about grilled chee creation. I AM grilled chee creation! I invent more grilled chee variations before my morning grunt and splash than all of the rest of the greatest minds in the grilled chee sciences have since the invention of fired sandwiches!

I’m sorry. This was not how I wanted to begin my celebration of cheese in all of its splendiferous forms. I simply wanted to inform you that you should be taking this opportunity to embrace this wonder food in its specially designated block of time. Expand your cheesy horizons. Savor its goodness. I did not intend to launch my observance of the thirty one days of cheese by psychically detonating a beloved school room mascot. But I am that fucking serious about this.

I love cheese…

A Priest, A Rabbi and an iPhone 5 Walk Into a Bar …

Ahhh, just have one more ... what's it gonna hurt ??

… the bartender says, “What’ll it be fellas?”. The iPhone says, “I don’t know about these two stiffs, but I wanna tie one on and go home with a stranger.”.

Ok, so WTF Apple employees? This is beginning to be some sort of alcohol induced habit. You get your prototype, you go out drinking, and you leave that shit on the bar? Come on !!

For those of you who haven’t heard yet, an iPhone 5 prototype was left in a Tequila bar in the Mission District of San Francisco, Cava 22. After researching this bar, only for the purposes of this story obviously, I’ve uncovered that the place is alive with Mariachi bands and margaritas, so I guess I could see how one would “lose” their top secret, priceless, iPhone 5 prototype in the midst of happy hour (from 4-7pm), tequila shots, music, laughing and the occasional fiesta induced shoulder shimmy with the cute stranger next to you. The phone was then sold on Craigslist for a measly $200 to an unknown party. The phone was electronically tracked down to a residence in San Francisco, but the person living there denies knowing anything about the phone. Yeah right!

And our next song is called "El Stupido Engineero"

Now lets shift our focus on the abundant conspiracies that emerge from this “mistake”.

1. “The Obvious” – In an attempt to create another iPhone release frenzy (since this happened with the iPhone 4 last year), Steve Jobs (or maybe even me now), gives one of his engineers a prototype iPhone, a crisp $100 bill, and then tells this patsy to go out on the town, have a little fun and, whoopsie, accidentally leave it on the bar before he takes his drunk ass home in a cab.

2. “The Over Your Limit” – In an attempt to get some free advertising for their restaurant, an opportunistic Cava 22 manager overhears the engineer bragging about how he has the new iPhone 5 prototype on his person. Said manager then secretly tells the bartender to make this Apple geek’s drinks a little bit stronger than usual, and offering him the occasional celebratory shot of tequila until he can’t stand on his own. The manager calls a cab for the drunkard engineer and pick-pockets him as he helps him towards the cab outside.

3. “The Whore Theory” – The iPhone 5, always playing second fiddle to it’s hot sister the iPhone 4, decides in a fit of rage, and body image issues, to turn to a life of harlotry. She jumps from the pocket of the drunk engineer, lands on the bar, and sells herself for $200 on Craigslist for a USB insertion fix of being charged to 100%. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, that’ll take the edge off.

Cancer? Cured! Recession? Cured! Common Cold? EVERYTHING Cured!!

Something miraculous came to me this weekend. It came to me in the way of divine intervention sent straight from the Creator himself as my mind was magically opened to see something that has been inconspicuously floating around our planet for about 40 years. Something that is so awe inspiring that only a worthy clairvoyant hand picked by the hand of the Almighty himself, like myself, could ever completely fathom its true consequence. The veil was lifted for me to see the gift that was given to us +/- 14,600 days ago in the way of an instrumental melody, presented through the medium of a motion picture. And it was bright! So very bright!

The medium in which this life changing information was transported to mine eyes was through a Tarantino flick, Resevoir Dogs. A poignant movie giving many life lessons throughout with several emotions being touched, like a virgin, shall we say? But it’s the very last song in this film that tells us, well me, the simple remedy to all of life’s tribulations, and as the credits rolled, BAMMM!! it was revealed. It’s the song “Coconut” written by Harry Nilsson. The answer has been here all along, well for 40 years anyway, and the answer is “You put the lime in the coconut”. That’s it … simple, natural, organic, and both trees were in the Garden of Eden since the dawn of creation.

Now Drink Them Both Up ?

So why did it take 1,971 years after the birth of Christ to figure it out? Well it happened by accident like all things created in this world. For instance, bacon. How did someone figure out the beautiful thing known as bacon? Well, somebody had a pig, and that pig was caught in a barn fire, and as that little piggy burned, a smell emerged from that barn that was so sensual to the nose that only one thing could be done. Go get that pig and eat it … bacon.

Accidents, the ugly sister of Mother Necessity, Mother Accident lead to the elixer of the world. You see, Harry Nilsson was having a Hawaiin themed party one night in the early 70′s, he had tikis, coconuts, leis (pronounced Lay’s, like the chip), flower shirts and limes. He cut open a coconut to extract the milk and use the shell as a cup, however as he was getting ready to pour out the milk, one of his drunk friends was throwing limes and it landed in this cocunut shell. The potion began to bubble and fizz and a heavenly voice sounded through the room, “all who drink of the lime and the coconut will be cured”. And they drank. And it cured their belly aches.

VFoC 2011 Van Haiku Prizeocalypse!

Hey! Remember the Haiku contest? Oh, those were the days, we were all so young.

Well, for those that don’t and don’t care enough to look through the archives to find it. We had a contest in which participants submitted their best Van themed Haiku. And after weeks of heated competition and literally ten of entries, on April 11th, we crowned Debapom Saha’s stirring #FriendsForever, the winner of the Van Full of Candy 2011 Van Haiku Contest!

And there was much celebration. Promises were made. We inserted Debapom’s winning Haiku into all of our web presences, our home page, our twitterer our book of faces, et al, etc, chicka boom. Of course we also promised a candy prize to both him and either of the runners ups who felt comfortable giving us their addresses.

Well, finally after months of deliberation and careful, painstaking sifting through the back of our van in search of candies not already open and half eaten we found the least sticky and mysterious of our stock, boxed it up and sent it through the United States Postal Service to Debapom Saha and runner up Scott Petty.

Yesterday, they arrived.

Crammed tightly inside a medium sized Priority Mail flat rate box and addressed to Debapom was THIS diabetes grenade:

The grand prize winner's haul!

 So delicious, it pained me to send it all away, but a promise is a promise… And two days later…

A gracious winner after our own heart...

Recognising exactly what he had on his hands; a candy van started kit, it seemed Debapom had fully embraced his new life’s path…

Uh-huh... Thou doth protest too much...

A wink is as good as a nod to a blind man Debapom…

Meanwhile, almost simultaneously, runner up Scott Petty received his prize…

That's right ladies, come 'n get me!

 … and immediately put one half of the team what rewarded him, in mortal danger of having all of his beautiful lady fans send him sexy packages full of sexyness and yum. Then upon tearing open his consolation prize what to his wondering eyes did appear?

Yea verily! Have at thee dental work!

But the God of Thunder with an extendable throat full of Odin’s Treats and a seemingly endless supply of Asgardian Power Rectangle refills!

And our promise was fulfilled. Sure, it took a little while, but we made it happen, because we at Van Full of Candy are as good as our word!

We’re looking forward to putting together another ridiculous contest in the possibly near future. What it’ll be, we have no idea, but we’ll take any excuse to interact with you, our loyal fans. If you have any suggestions, please feel free to drop us a line, either here, or facebook or twitter, where ever you find us.

Anyway, thanks again for your participation and your patience Debapom and Scott and thanks to everybody for reading and watching, we really do appreciate it. Things are just going to continue to get bigger and better, so stick around and tell everyone you meet!

The Van’s a comin’! And we’re bringin’ Candy with us! Ya hear me!? We’re bringin’ Candy with us!

Yeah! Rub Your Pie All Up In My Face, Mmmmm !!

During a session of love-seat-lounging yesterday, something dawned on me as I watched the “news” on my thin-black-box-of-tummy-plumping’ness. I realized that a good ol’ “pie in the face” has never lost its charm, AND, the most important realization, was that getting “pied” is the ultimate form of putdownery that you really can inflict on thine enemies.

How dare you sir, trying to taste my pie, well I never !!

Lets take a quick look at the history of the “Pie In The Face”. It all started in 1909 in a silent movie called “Mr. Flip”. It is the first known instance of “pieing” as it is sometimes referred to, and is considered “slap stick” comedy. The pie is pushed into the main character’s face after he tries to take liberties with a woman, an voila, “Pie In The Face” is born. There are two known “pieing” techniques, the old fashion push the pie in the face, and the “throw the pie” in the face, both of which are quite acceptable. There has also been a new breed of pie that has been born as well from professional baseball players, and it’s the “shaving cream pie”, which in my mind is just bastardizing the event, but, if you don’t have time to bake, then I guess it will do since it does somewhat resemble a lemon-meringue pie.

Now lets fast forward 102 years to Rupert Murdoch’s court hearing for his phone-hacking scandal. Just yesterday on this two-thousandst-and-evelenth-year of our lawrd CNN, the “Pie In The Face” got national attention when a guy who says he’s a comedian/activist who goes by the Twitter handle @JonnieMarbles decided to “pie” Mr. Murdoch in the face at said hearing. However, his plan did not go as, ummm, planned. As he stepped toward the intended victim, his “pieing” was intercepted by this old man’s younger, hot, Asian wife and the majority of pie was smeared on the “pie’er” as she slapped him silly. In the slap-stick comedy world, we like to call this “awww shit, you just got reverse pied”. Now earlier I mentioned that a “pieing” is the ultimate form of getting “cut down”, but I have to change my view and say that if you get “reverse-pied-in-the-face”, then THAT would be the worst, and you’re just a punk ass bitch now.

So in honor of the age old “Pie In The Face”, I push one in yours and smear it around on top of your head, and yes, that IS custard you’re tasting. And here’s a couple of famous people getting “Pie’d In The Face” … enjoy !!

And Ode To The Slurpee

My dearest Slurpee, you’ve been my friend for many, many years

And on this day, when Slurpees are free, I am always brought to tears

-

I drive around to dozens of 7-11’s today all within my town

Getting my fix of sugar and artificial color which makes my face look like a clown

-

When I was a child, the choices were easy when you only came in the flavors of red and blue

But now I see that you’re Fanta, Pepsi, Twizzler, and even Mountain Dew

-

So much variety, so much fun, I think that I’m going insane

I’m twitching and shaking from all this icy goodness that’s slowly freezing my brain

-

I normally only choose one flavor when I decide to take the Slurpee ride

But today is different, I’m going nuts and making a “suicide”

-

So thank you 7-11 for your convenience and this cup full of legal crack

And Happy Birthday to the store that always keeps us coming back

-

iVan Full Of Candy : The Cloud Edition

We're in the cloud bitches ... where YOU at?

With all this fancy talk about clouds and keeping your music in a cloud and files in a cloud and pudding in a cloud, we here at Van Full of Candy have decided to officially change our name to iVan Full of Candy. Yes, you heard me correctly, we are now in the goddamn holy freakin’ cloud and we love it up here. You can totally see everything from our new heavenly seat, and when we spit, it takes FOREVER to hit the ground.

So here’s what iVan Full of Candy is introducing to our dearest van riders, and then to the world … we call it … iCandy. Instead of carrying your bag fulls of candy around with you everywhere, for $10.99/year you can keep all of your candy in our van-cloud. That’s right, no more worrying about losing candy, or transferring candy from bag to a larger bag, or even the worry of keeping your candy updated and fresh. Your candy at home will be the same as your candy at work which will be the same as your candy in the car, all done wirelessly. With our very affordable yearly subscription to iCandy, all you do is upload all you candy to our cloud, and if it’s stolen candy or not, we will give you totally awesome, fresh, candy no questions asked! How awesome is that? Even if your candy is melted or even half eaten, once it’s in our cloud, it’s like brand new for your enjoyment as long as you continue to pay the subscription. iCandy does it all for you and … it just works!! We’re also giving you 2LB of storage for free. However, once you decide to end your subscription, all the awesome candy goes away, and your stuck with your dirty ass candy from Mexico.

Am I at work or at home? It's awesome candy EVERYWHERE !!!

So get your asses on the cloud with us, and let’s get this vancandypartycloudravediscothing going!! We accept PayPal.

Recipes for Life

We found an ADORABLE article today from Glamour Magazine (it’s what we wrap the racin’ forms in so the broad ain’t wise!) about a magical, legally binding chicken dish. You see, 26 years ago, the fashion editor at Glamour passed on this recipe to her assistant, which she herself was given by a whimsical tree spirit who only appears once every fourth blue moon to dispense enchanted home cookin’ blue prints. So the assistant made this cursed chicken for her boyfriend and as a DIRECT RESULT of having prepared the be-fouled be-feast upon her easily swayed “man”, and because of no other possible explanation, only one short month later she was all proposed up. Naturally, as a stipulation of being given this recipe, the bearer must relinquish it to their next most desperate, un-wed sister so that it might sap the will from another unsuspecting male, ensnaring him in the unbreakable bonds of matrimony with the wicked spinster who dares unleash it’s power. And over the 26 years since it’s discovery, this “Engagement Chicken” as it’s cursed name has come to be uttered by the damned men, has been solely responsible for the marriages of 72, chicken duped men.

Numbers like that don’t lie. 72 marriages in 26 years to people who heard about a recipe. That’s clearly “Engagement Strength Chicken”. And while more marriages in this country can probably be linked to first meetings at a biker bar orgy, we would not dare to suggest that this dish is anything but a spinster wish granting miracle. But there are so many other foods that can easily be linked to other interpersonal interactions. So after hunting down the curse gnome, whom as everyone knows, is hidden in the third easternly facing knot of every tree there is, we shook him ’till his truths tumbled out and discovered these equally useful and delicious recipes. Enjoy.

Let’s Just Be Friends Biscuits:

Ingredients

Youre just TOO nice.

2 cups flour
4 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
3/4 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons shortening
1 cup buttermilk, chilled

Directions

Preheat oven to a smoldering bitterness.

In a large mixing bowl, combine flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Using your long history together by this point, rub in some of the more embarrassing facts that you’ve picked up about each other. Make a well in the center of your partner’s soul, make sure you pour in enough “it’s not you, it’s me” and abruptly part company. You can pick up your shit at his place later, right now, you just need to get away for a bit. Maybe go to that cabin in Tahoe for as long as you can without getting fired. How they deal with it is their problem.

Bake until biscuits are tall and light gold on top, 15 to 20 minutes.

Threesome-kabob:

Ingredients

Me and you and her make, yum.

1/2 cup teriyaki sauce
1/2 cup honey
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1/2 pinch ground ginger
2 red bell peppers, cut into 2 inch pieces
1 large sweet onion, peeled and cut into wedges
1 1/2 cups whole fresh mushrooms
1 pound beef sirloin, cut into 1 inch cubes
1 1/2 pounds skinless, boneless chicken breast halves – cut into cubes skewers

Directions

In a large resealable plastic bag, mix the teriyaki sauce, honey, garlic powder, and ginger. Drop direct, unambiguous hints to your significant other that it might be fun if you tried to spice up the relationship. If they ask if you are trying to suggest a threesome, tell them no, unless they think it might be fun. Seal, and refrigerate 4 to 24 hours.

Preheat grill for medium-high heat. Ask if you heard right that their old college roommate would be in town for a couple weeks and tell them if they need a place to stay, you’re cool with then staying with us.

Discard marinade, tell her if she wants, you can try two dudes first, and if that works, you know, maybe the other thing. Grill skewers for 10 minutes, turning as needed, or until meat is cooked through and vegetables are tender.

Alimony Stuffed Pork Chops:

Ingredients

CUNT!

2 boneless pork loin chops, butterflied
4 ounces crumbled blue cheese
2 slices bacon – cooked and crumbled
2 tablespoons chopped fresh chives
garlic salt to taste
ground black pepper to taste
chopped fresh parsley for garnish

Directions

Preheat the oven to that fucking bitch!

In a small bowl, mix together the blue cheese, bacon and I hope she fucking dies! Every fucking month, like, for the rest of my fucking life I’ve got to do this shit. Season each chop with garlic salt and pepper. Keep in mind that the blue cheese will be a fucking cunt, and always cut my god damned one weekend a month short and pretend it was a god damned accident!

I swear to fucking Christ, if I could murder her without anyone ever knowing, the hardest part about it would be deciding how. I know for certain though, that I would jerk off on the corpse, and I would laugh so hard, like a hell clown in a tickle fight!

Garnish with fresh parsley and serve.

I Meant To Tell You I Have Herpes Tea:

Ingredients

Listen... Hoo-boy...

2 orange pekoe tea bags
1 cup boiling water
5 ice cubes
4 teaspoons sweetened condensed milk
3 teaspoons honey

Directions

Steep the tea bags in hot water. Tell them not to freak out and that you weren’t even sure you actually really had it because you only had that one break out a couple years ago and then another one about a week ago but you thought those were just brought on by stress. Genital stress blisters. You read about it somewhere. Discard the tea bags and let the tea cool.

Combine the ice cubes, sweetened condensed milk, and trying to convince them that it’s alright and that more people have herpes now a days than don’t. If they don’t believe you, sit together in awkward silence for several hours, pour in the tea and mix well, a strong, flavorful milk tea is ready for you to enjoy.