Your iPad is Today’s Genie In a Magic Lamp – Now Make a Wish

I told you it was that big !!

Did you hear the one about the Canadian who walks into America showing the border patrol guard a digital picture of his passport, which was scanned into his iPad? Well folks, there’s no punchline to this joke eh, because it’s the freaking damn truth eh !!

Yeah, some maple-leaf lover sashayed his way into the good ol’ U.S of A with a picture on his electronic Etch-a-Sketch, got into . Now here’s where I get confused as to bag on the technology and the late-great Steve Jobs and his influence on border terrorism, or do I bag on the fact that our “homeland security” is as lax as a carny operating
the Tilt-a-Whirl? Let’s go with technology and the things I will scan into my iPhone that will be seen as true.

Pssssst, hey you, yeah you, you wanna get into America? Come 'ere.

Money: The obvious 1st choice. I will lay $100 worth of $20 bills on the table and take a picture of it. Any establishment in which I partake of consumerism, I will gladly whip out my iPad, show them the picture of money I have and pay for what I need that way. If what I purchase is less than $100, they will give me change. If what I purchase costs more than $100, then I will show them the picture as many times as it takes to make the purchase price.

Penis Size: Some might say THIS is the obvious 1st choice, but it is definitely the 2nd spot. Because penis size can’t buy you happiness, but a picture of money can buy you a big penis, so, by all rights, this is the proper 2nd choice. I will copy a picture of a large 10″ monster-cock onto my iPad from one of many porn sites and use it as a conversation starter to women at the bar. I’ll brag about how hung I am, and when they scoff, I will grin as I slowly pull out my 10″ snake and watch their reaction as they beg to get out of there and head to her house.

My Face: I will use a perfectly Photoshop’d headshot of myself, with perfect white teeth, no eye wrinkles, tucked chin, filled in receeding hairline and a glimmer in my eye filter as my new face. I will pull the picture up on the iPad, strap it to my head, and walk around town meeting all the gorgeous ladies and landing all the 6 figure jobs, because, well looks are everything.

Cars:This one could come before “face” because we all know the ladies love guys in badass cars for whatever goddamn reason. Those old men with gray hair, Member’s Only jackets, Docker’s slacks and

You like Lamborghini's? Sweet ... I like poontang !!!

some horrible old man Nunn Bush comfort gel shoes. It doesn’t matter what they look like or dress like because the shine of their racing yellow Corvette blinds the ladies enough to hop in and take a ride with daddy. So for this I will be scanning a red Ferrari and using it only as a last resort if I forgot to upload any of the prior three pics into my iPad.

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions and Why You Suck If You Do Them

Hey friends, we’d like to apologize for ignoring all of  you for so long, but sometimes the van needs to be taken to a garage and given an overhaul. So forget the apology because what we should have said was … you’re welcome … for recharging our batteries and bringing some really good shit your way for 2012. What is we’re bringing? Quit being nosy and just keep coming back and seeing what the F we’re bringin’ !!

So let’s get to this trendy “resolution” bullshit shall we?

Hop on shuggah !!

1. Lose Weight : Ok fine, sure, we put a few pounds on this last year being the rockstars that we are, but you know what? That’s beautiful weight, the weight you put on when you’re on fire, when you’re closin’ bars and collecting phone numbers. Look, you wanna lose some weight, get rid of that piece of shit significant other that’s holding you back … instant +/- 100-200 lbs. of weight off your shoulders. You can thank me later.

2. Quit Smoking : Quit smoking cigarettes PERIOD !! You look hot while you do it, but

Can I bum a smoke?

you look like an Auschwitz victim when you’re done with that last pack of Marlboro’s. Cigars and pipes … that’s a different story. I just got a new pipe for Xmas and all I can tell so far is that, I look smart when I do it, it smells handsome and it doesn’t have tar and formaldehyde, so … yeah … quit smoking goddamn cigarettes !!

Yeah right !!

3. Quit Drinking : HAHAHAHAAAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAH … oh … stop, my stomach hurts, holy fuck !!!!

HAHHHAHAAAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHAHHHAHAHHA …. WHoooooooooo … HAHAHAHA !! Ok fine !! I’ll try to stop … drinking … wheatgrass.

4. Get Out of Debt : Resistance is futile you pathetic Non-American piece of … listen, get 3-5 credit cards, max them out and be like the rest of us … get out of debt … psh !! You know you need that thing that you can order on the internet. Order it !!!

5. Spend More Time with Family : Remember just a few short weeks ago when you woke up to the anxiety of driving to your parent’s house where your crazy aunt and 150 year old grandfather were going to be sitting around a dry turkey, boxed stuffing

Yay! Momma made turkey in a bucket !!!

and the freeze dried dysfunction of all the holiday gatherings of Xmas past? Exactly !! This one will cost you more in therapy that you’ll run up on #4′s credit card, which will eventually put you in bankruptcy with bill collectors reminding you several times a week.

HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR !!!

Articles Schmarticles … Show Us The Boobs !!!

When I think of great reading material the only true publication that jumps out at me without even giving it a second thought is Playboy. Month after month, year after year they churn out some of the  most interesting and in depth articles covering the gamut from polictics to Super Bowl MVPs, from how to get your woman off in 30 seconds to tips for deep frying a turkey on Thanksgiving. And in some circles “deep frying a turkey” just happens to be a term for getting your woman off involving Crisco in a bathtub with a turkey baster, so you see, they’re pretty damn smart without even knowing it. So you could probably understand my utter glee when I discovered that the double edition, holiday anniversary issue of Playboy for Jan/Feb 2012 was going to feature Elmore Leonard and George Pelecanos … HOLY SHIT !!! Not to mention the 20 greatest cocktails and cars of the year … CARS OF THE FUCKING YEAR PEOPLE !!!

With that gleam in Jill's eyes, Mark knew it was Deep Fry Time !!

The truth of the matter is, without Playboy, I wouldn’t even know what “cocktail” actually meant unless it had the words Pabst Blue Ribbon painted on the glass with an all American red, white and blue label to let me know that it was worthy of pouring down my gullet. Cock … tail … to the untrained ear that could really be misconstrued as some sort of weird rooster appendage, or even worse, a tail that looked like a … you get the idea. So thank you Playboy, thank you for making a silly layman like me into a cultured sophisticate looking refined when I order a Vieux Carre at the Keefer when I’m jet-setting in BC, or when I make simple conversation about how one should never even THINK of mentioning the Bentley GT V8 in the same breath as the Carrera 4 GTS, two completely different animals, and if you don’t understand the subtleties then please excuse yourself from this conversation sir. Oh, and apparently some drunk chick who’s spent the last 2 years failing to make it to court hearings got paid a cool million for showing us her tits. Yay America!

Santa Christ Is Coming To Town

What better way to bring in the Yuletide season with the wonderful smell of Gingerbread Lattes and White Christmas playing in the background. Storming the malls on black Friday and hopefully not trampling anyone in the process, let alone being the trample-ee. Getting all the things our family wants and eating all the things that make us feel good about the season. Santa and Rudolph, snowflakes and chestnuts, presents and misletoe and … oh wait … what about Jesus? No, not your gardener, the little baby from the book who’s mama never did the nasty … no, not that movie about the barren mother who went on an adoption spree … the freakin’ son of God people, come on !! So let’s go back to the beginning of this nonsense run-on sentence and start over … what better way to bring in the Yuletide season then by combining the things we love, the things we have faith in, the things we know are both real … right? Enter Loudoun County Courthouse in historic Leesburg, Virginia … virgin, Virginia … I smell co-ink-ee-dink. The good people of the courthouse decided to let the first 10 applicants put up an art display, on the courthouse lawn for the holidays, and here’s what they got for their trust in mankind … I like to call it … Santa “Bones” Christ …

Apparently some of the residents in the area did not like this art installation and neither did the councilpeople who decided that this would be an ok idea. “I just think that these folks are trying to ruin the holiday spirit in the name of the first amendment,” Leesburg councilmember Ken Reid said. “They are just very disrespectful of the community.” But the odd thing was that they didn’t seem to mind a very similar wood carving in church the following Sunday … strange.

Thanks baby J for Xmas and Easter !!

Australia’s Great White Shark Is a Weak Ass Bitch

Australian scientists uncovered the eyes of a 500 million year old super predator who dominated the oceans and would be considered in today’s standards, the great white shark of noicepolyolithiorianlike times. Now you’re probably wondering what the hell just finding the eyes has any relevance to this great white Australian discovery right? Well it’s because prior to this only the body of the Anomalocaris, which name I neglected to mention earlier, but figured it didn’t matter much because who really gives a shit about the names of dinosaurs, amoebas and state capitals … had been found until the alwayslookingtomaketheircountrylookbetter scientists among others of Australia decided to let this story go to show that this who has the bigger dick contest is still on, but didn’t realize that size really matters.

The eyes, don’t look into they eyes !! The Medusa of predatorial fish, the Anomalocaris had 16,000 lenses in each eye, fives times the amount of the ordinary everyday housefly. This muthafukkin barraccuda could see the muthafukkin future, but one thing it didn’t see was the ice … all that ice that buried it’s oracle ass deep in the mud off the Australian coast. Now here comes the kicker … this megakiller, this “great white shark”, this predator of predators who had no equal measured a killer whale size of a whopping 3 feet in length. Three feet? This is the horrible monster that Australia brags to take on America’s JAWS? Oh, Australia, here’s another kick to the groin, we already have a landshark with eyes that big …

We’re Having a Bake Sale for Our Very Own XXX Website

We'd really like to know if you have some pie !!

It’s happened !! It’s FINALLY happened !!! The powers that be who hold dominion over the interwebby names have allowed websites, such as ourselves, to become .XXX websites. How indecently awesome is that ?? Think about it, we wouldn’t be just a run of the mill boring old .COM website anymore, we could be really hot, 9″, go all night, bonafide porn guys in a van … WWW.VANFULLOFCANDY.XXX … Yeah, that has a great ring to it, doesn’t it ??

Make us into PORN !!

Now, when I say “bakesale”, I actually mean, we’re begging for donations to get our porn domain up. Heh, I said “up”. See, to register for a XXX domain, you have to come up with $80 to do so, and well, with all the candy we just bought and gas prices being what they are to fill the van up, we’re just a little short on the scratch to go full blown viagra on ya’lls ass. But quite honestly, begging is something we here at Van Full of Candy don’t really like doing … so … to sweetin’ the donation deal, here’s what we’ll do. For everybody who makes a donation to our pornsite domain bakesale, we’ll make a quick video for you … we’ll include your name and you can give us the idea of what you want to see, and we’ll do it. All it takes is $1.00 !! So if 80 of our loyal fans each donate $1.00, looks like we’ll be busy making 85 gawddamn videos. So how about make our lives easier and donate $20. Thanks !!

World’s Slowest Yet Most Expensive Female Pleaser

One for every outfit and occasion

Women like it slow, but if this is the kind of slow that they mean, then I’m gonna go grab a sandwich and I’ll be back when you’re good and worked up, in say, oh … two hours. The porn industry is a multi-ka-trillbion dollar industry. It’s everywhere you look and everywhere you don’t want it to be when you’re looking at it at work and cant get the fuckin’ window to close fast enough when someone walks up behind you at your desk … CLICK CLICK CLICK FUCKING CLOSE GODDAMMIT … hey, oh that, that was just … cute kittehs, so what can I help you with?

At Van Full of Candy Research Labs, we spend a LOT of our R&D funds on finding the next best plastic love toy that makes you feel not alone while being, well, totally alone … night after night after lubed up melon-sex night. And melons aren’t cheap these days, you know with global warming and crops dying and all that, so … anyway, I lost track of … oh yeah … sad masturbation gimmicks. We spend 70% of our budget on these devices so we can personally test them, make sure they’re up to snuff and then let you, our loyal fans, which items should be on your naughty Xmas list.

Not too long ago, Jesse did a great article on, which I’d like to call “My Favorite Friend Thusfar”, a wonderful little toy called handjob bot that took China by storm, not to mention my millions of children. But we have now uncovered a new playmate for women who like to be teased and foreplay’d for a while, and for people who have a pension for Gumby. We have a couple of volunteers right now testing the device as we speak, but since it’s still 6″ away from touching them, well, we’ll probably need to report our findings next month.

Without further ado, Van Full of Candy presents … X Marks the Spot

Weight Loss & Muscle Gain … The Van Full of Candy Way

We all overate this past week, and we’re all still eating the leftovers pretending those calories don’t count, well, because they’re leftovers and only the original three meals make us fat. Well if you want to melt those holiday pounds right off your skeleton, then look no further. We here at Van Full of Candy always have our finger on the pulse of healthy living and lean muscle mass … gaining. Trust me, it sounds bad, but it’s actually good.

Our friends at Optimum Nutrition really love us, so they’re always keeping us up to date on the latest health supplements and products that make you feel wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired, in a healthy way, not like that other drink that Jesse likes so much. This shit is legit. So thank you to our dear friends, and hopefully future SPONSORS, hint hint, Optimum Nutrition for hookin’ us up with the real good junk.

Address blurred for YOUR protection, trust me

Upon opening the envelope of nutritional bounty, many yummy products spilled out like little packs of crack. Once you get a small taste of the pure uncut stuff you’ll be back for more.

Look at the pretty colors ... I want to put it in my body

I didn’t have time to read the actual “directions” that Optimum Nutrition carefully places on every packet, but once I got past having to get a glass of water and a spoon to stir, I lost interest and did it the Van Full of Candy way.

I want to lose weight NOWWWWWWWW !!

Now for you video entertainment enjoyment, please enjoy my award winning video that won me 100 lbs. of Optimum Nutrition Whey Protein. You’d think I’d be in better shape with all this healthy stuff, but apparently you’re supposed to workout, psh, who has time for that?

Occupy Our Van Full of Pepper Spray !!

Thank you officer, we were really dehydrated with all this screaming

Well shit, if I knew that the best way to rustle up some “excitement” and get this website viral was to give some peaceful activists the what-for, I would have called it Van Full of Pepper Spray from the get-go and driven from protest to protest gleefully spraying people in their stupid protesting face. Damn! So instead of all the hard work and dedication that we put in almost half of a week per week crafting videos and tirelessly writing story after story, all we had to do was hurt the innocent, well, I guess we’ve been going about it all wrong, and maybe that German guy knew how to go viral all along. Wolfgang Puck.

Now just to be honest, if I were actually smart enough to comment on this whole “occupy” thing that’s sweeping the nation, I probably wouldn’t because someone smart would realize it really has zero meaning except to go out and be a rebel, hang out with your friends, rise up against the machine and yell, yell, yell. I would sit at the cafe reading my iPad and chuckle at the stupidity in which these people are having their voices heard, heard with a mouthful of liquid cayenne pepper whilst I enjoy my mouthful of white chocolate mocha, no whip, thanks. I’d say to myself inside my head, “what in the hell are kids in Davis, CA doing occupying Wall Street? It’s so damn far away, nobody can hear their voices from UC Davis, hell, I can barely hear an ambulance siren in my car when I’m grooming my eyebrows.”. Silly youth!

Occupy my $4 cup of caffeine

So if you want to “occupy” something, occupy our van. We promise no pepper spray, no 99% of whatever it is you’re measuring, and absolutely no talk about religion, politics or that other awkward thing you’re not supposed to talk about around strangers. But we won’t be strangers for long, I mean, it doesn’t take long for the awkwardness to go away once you get in the van and realize there actually IS candy.

Would You Like Some Honey in Your Panda Shit Tea?

Yeah, right there, you know you want it !!

Yesterday, VFoC’s own Jesse J. wrote about China and how they’re completely out of control and making us literally shit our pants. Funny he should say SHIT (I could be paraphrasing), because that’s what China is doing to us, YET AGAIN, today. Not only are WE shitting our pants, but the crazy muthafukkin Chinese, well one professor An Yashi to be specific, is collecting cute little panda poopoos and making it into the world’s “most expensive tea”. Ok, I’m very sorry dear delicate reader, I know this isn’t the kind of thing you want to wander over to our website and read on a Wednesday evening, but know this, when you leave our website you’ll be just a little bit more hardened to the real world, the world out there that skirts around issues and makes things bubblegum and candydrops. So continue reading and become an outraged, dreamless drifter like we here at VFoC have become.

Chocolate cake with chocolate frosting please !!

Not long ago, I read a story about some Japanese scientist making nutritious steakstuff out of human poop. Now granted, Japan and China are two different entitites, but they’re kinda the same, you know. Which leads me to the question, “What in the hell is your fascination with fecal matter you Asians?”. First you want to pretend it’s Play-Doh and run it through the Fun Time Play-Doh Meat Factory Playset making tri-tip and filet mignon and now you want to shovel up some of Kung Fu Panda’s finest from the zoo, dry it, shove it in a fine gossamer mesh pyramid tea bag that allows top-quality panda nuggets to reach their full potential, unfurl, and expand for an even and flavor-rich infusion, and then have Teavana sell it to us at the mall? And on top of it all you greedy shit collectors want to sell it at $40,000/lb. ?? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO DO YOU GREEDY SHIT PEOPLE??

Look, I’m not a drug dealer, nor do I know how much drugs cost out there on the street

The latest tea kiosk at the mall

market, but I could venture to guess that I could buy enough blow for $40,000 to get at least a dozen pandas straight jacked out of their gourd and shit directly into my glass of hot boiling water and collect the rest of the other 11′s droppings for many a long cold winter night for years to come. So, my hats off to you for your entrepreneurial endeavor, but let’s get real Chinese tea guy, if people want a hot steamy cup of brown liquid that resembles panda dookie, they could just as easily run over to Starbuck’s and save $39,990.