American Atheists Unveil New Super Hero Team: M.Y.T.H.S.

Just in time for Christmas: the holy celebration of the birth of the one true lord who shall judge us all at the right hand of the father as we pass from this mortal realm to the infinite of our judgement, the folks at American Atheist have introduced America’s new favorite super team:

By our powers combined, we form-- HONK! HONK-HONK! H-HOOOONK!

M.Y.T.H.S.!

(Mentoring Youths Trough Heroics Super!)

(From right to left: President Chupacabra, Secret Beard, Power Heart and of course, Aquaman.)

On Earth 7, Doug Parks was just your normal, every day, run of the mill live stock de-boner. He had come from a long line of live stock de-boners and expected he would live the rest of his life, going through the motions of the work a day world, removing the skeletal structure from farm animals for $9.50 an hour before someday retiring to a little place that a life time of de-boning and careful savings had bought him. That is until the day that his entire family was kidnapped by a squishy bag of goat meat that called itself “Vengepuddle”. Leaving the rescue of his family to the proper authorities Doug would go on to receive pieces of his loved ones in the mail for the next seven years.

Seeing that there was something wrong with the system Doug Parks launched a successful Presidential campaign on the back of his blue collar, rags to riches roots. Then, one day while touring an alternative energy facility President Doug Parks was sucked into an interdimensional vortex and deposited here on Mega Earth 1A, where he fights to protect a world that fears and distrusts him.

Dwight T. Eiffeltower was a sickly young lad who was rejected by the Army Corps of Engineers when his patchy, speckled facial hair caused a decorated war hero to commit suicide at a recruiting table that Dwight was simply walking past. Encouraged by a sense of responsibility for the Nine Star Admiral’s death Dwight volunteered for a secret government program that he’d read about on a public rest room wall. Eiffeltower was injected with a top secret serum consisting of Racist Honey Bee Pollen and Haunted Low Fat Milk and bombarded with Gramma Rays. The experiment seemed to be an embarrassing failure as Dwight was immediately killed to death and stayed dead for twenty-eight years.

But finally, after clawing his way out of his own grave Dwight T. Eiffeltower emerged again with strange powers beyond reason and a voice in his head that was not his own. Upon returning to life Dwight found that he had been possessed by the spirit of Nine Star Admiral Beauregard Tinwhistle. Dwight knew that he and Beauregard must use their new found powers to fight injustice where ever they found it, and so was born “Secret Beard”.

Secret Beard has the power to make anyone, anywhere forget facial hair.

While rummaging through a cardboard box full of donations behind an abandoned thrift store one Flag Day, Carlos Arriba discovered a heart shaped amulet glowing with energy. When no one would buy it from him Carlos decided to keep the stupid thing anyway then. Then, one afternoon, while taking a break from urinating on his possessions and screaming at invisible cookie people that he was certain were trying to kill him in the back of the alley he called home, Carlos took a moment to examine the back of the amulet where he found writing in a language that he had never seen before. Suddenly, as if possessed by the invisible cookie people themselves Carlos slipped into a trance, recited the words on the amulet and was transformed into the being known as “Power Heart”.

Able to seek out and destroy bad cholesterol where ever it dwells, Power Heart is the scourge of the Buttery Under World of New Oldly: The City of Whenever. Now, when Carlos speaks his magical oath “No fatties!” he becomes POWER HEART!

And Aquaman punches people with fish.

Together they visit inner city youth shelters, teaching children how to fill out job applications and the importance of adequate tipping while occasionally saving the world from the ruthless machinations of The Orange Bucket and his Legion of Fuck Offs.

So where ever there is three for one wing nights, when ever someone drops their keys into a stripper, how ever somebody forgets what they just came in for, there is just one force to scream for like a lost child in a lost child factory:

www.atheists.org Presents:

M.Y.T.H.S.!

Meet CNN’s Newest Correspondent: Pec Flexman

I have a pretty steady routine when it comes to looking for things on the internet to yell at every other day on our webbed site internets log page. I have a few regular news sources that I scour for the most inane, ridiculous, mind rapingly dumb news stories of the day. Naturally I start right off the top with FoxNews.com. I usually have to look no further than our trusty friends at Fox to find something yell-at-able. Failing Fox’s usual failings, I then move on to Yahoo, or CNN, or any other random news outlet.

Well, today in my search for the newsworthiest piece of newsesque newsery, I was stopped by CNN.com.

The headlines were all pretty much the same things that I’d seen as I trolled the other sites, nothing too Earth shattering: “Joe Frasier Knocked Underground by Undisputed Champion, ‘Big C’”, “Unjailable Celbri-cunt Poses Un-nude for Jerk Mag” and “Lady Famous Only For Making Babies Shocks World With Announcement of ‘Nother Baby Bein’ Made”. But as I scrolled down the page looking for something worth while I came upon something that stopped me in my tracks. See if you can spot it in this actual, un-doctored screen grab from the CNN.com web site…

Gay penguins... that's adorably against God...

Sure, the hotly contested debate on the continued efficacy of Daylight Saving Time was certainly something on which I had two or three cents to share (how much longer must we continue to live under the tyranny of Big Barbeque?!). Which Lennon’s tooth was sold for $31,200, the communist or the one not in the Beatles. Or even the beauty of dog on horse love. But what really confused and excited my confusible and exctiational parts was the third thumbnail from the right under the banner of “From our shows”. Now, it’s admittedly been a while since I’ve sat down with a bowl of freshly popped popping corn and enjoyed a good long night of CNNing, so it’s quite possible that in my stead Wolf Blitzer’s really been Blitzin’ the inclined bench, but it seems more likely that this was a fresh new face in the CNN afternoon lineup.

Now, sure, it does say underneath the photo that it is an “Advertisement” but really, that’s what all of those links are. They’re clips from specific shows promoting said program, i.e. “Advertisements”. And there’s no text accompanying the picture, no “Buy muscle oil, pussy” or “1-900-ASS-STUD is waiting”. Nothing, so the only thing I can think is that the web master at CNN.com simply failed to add the story blurb to the lower third of the show promo. I trust and respect CNN.com far too much to simply let this over looked promotional opportunity pass, so I am going to now attempt to correct this “mistakeportunity” and help CNN promote it’s new hit program “The Fact Press with Pec Flexman”

Pec reacts to escalating tensions in the Middle East.

Pec asks the questions on every American's mind but other pundits are too afraid to ask.

Investigative reporting that only Pec Flexman can squat out.

Posturing continues in North Korea, and only the "Fact Press" calls the madman to task.

All of the news of the day gets the Flexman "Max Out".

Even allies are held to the fire in Pec's "No Bullshit Zizone".

I personally am super pumped to be here for the debut of the “Fact Press” and look forward to more in depth no nonsense reporting from a pundit who won’t take shit from any scrawny prick in a god damned tie who couldn’t bench three bills if his nuts depended on it. Pec Flexman, CNN, 7:30. Watch it, or fuckin’ suck.

One Million Moms Hate Balls

During the winter break of my Sophomore year at the University of Nevada, Reno (go fighting Soft Sixteens!) I took a backpacking excursion through the inhospitable wilderness of the South American rainforest. I hiked for nine days with my trusty guide Tuo Uu-nu Eepchak. I was but a fool child, ill prepared for the conditions I would face in these endangered woods. Tuo became more than a guide to me, through our perilous journey he became mentor, teacher, father, lover, and the night that he boiled his freshly severed foot to provide us the nourishment we would need to see us home, I knew not to refuse the plate, and ate every last bite without once breaking eye contact.

I could have chosen Amsterdam, instead I will die here.

As Tuo carried me, in an uncomfortable one footed hobble, back to civilization we collapsed, unable to journey any further. I was certain this was the end, so as to not let any of my brave friend go to waste, I began chewing on his left hand. As I drifted off into unconsciousness, suckling upon the sweet, caramel colored digit I was prepared to welcome death’s clammy embrace. But to my surprise I awoke again, laying on a straw thatch that a pungent combination of my profuse perspiration and seeping diarrhea had bedamped. Beside my bed of natural fibers sat a woman of indeterminate age and coffee complection. Her heavy, naked breast swayed gently as she reached into a loosely woven basket that sat in her lap, retrieved a single nut and carefully fed it through my cracked, blistered lips.

Over the next week I was nursed back to health by this plump, wizened woman and adopted by her tribe. I received a native name, “Kuh Naya”, which I chose to believe translated to “Brave Explorer” but which I knew was more likely to have meant “Oozer of Liquids”. My strength returned almost immediately as my diet of native legumes replenished my vitality. When I was finally well enough to resume my journey home I asked the elders for their permission to take a supply of their restorative food back to the states to offer the civilized world a chance at the restorative effect of these native people’s hidden miracle bounty. The elders refused, but I could not take no for an answer. As the tribe slept I filled my back pack and slipped off into the night.

Upon returning to Reno I packaged my ill gotten prize for presentation to a friend in the grocery business. I told him about my adventures in the jungle and my encounter with the natives and offered him a taste. The flavor assaulted his dulled western taste buds and the burst of vim and vigor shot through his body with one bite. He grasped at my collar, begging me for my secret, offering me anything in the world for this wonderful prize.

“What do you call these?” he pleaded, tears welling in his eyes.

With no small swell of pride I straightened up and smugly replied.

“These are the native nuts of the ancient and wise Haree tribe of South America.” I beamed. ”What you have in your mouth, are my Haree Nuts.”

…

A group calling themselves One Million Moms is leading a boycott against Ben & Jerry’s over their new limited edition ice cream flavor based on a Saturday Night Live sketch; “Schweddy Balls”.

“The vulgar new flavor has turned something as innocent as ice cream into something repulsive,” the group of humorless hags said. “Not exactly what you want a child asking for at the supermarket.”

One Million Moms, a “division of the Mississippi-based American Family Association” also hates Ben & Jerry’s commemorative flavor “Hubby Hubby”, a special edition of “Chubby Hubby” celebrating gay marriage.

“It seems that offending customers has become an annual tradition for Ben & Jerry’s.

This ice cream embarrasses me. NO ONE MUST HAVE IT!

One Million Moms (which I am almost certain, does not consist of one million actual mothers) hate fun or gay ice creams.

People actually live their lives hating jokes, being offended by tasty frozen treats that don’t hate gays and threatening people that sell things that others rightfully don’t think are insulting them, that they’re not going to buy something that they likely weren’t buying in the first place. This is important to these people. It makes me want to punch everything, ever.

I do not know what my parents expected me to learn from the people of your planet when they launched my escape rocket only moments before my birth home exploded millions of miles from here. But what I have learned so far I do not like.

That Awkward Moment When You Get In a Van With Ronald McDonald and He Has No Hamburgers

The title of this blog comes from a very popular “Tweet” and mixes it with us, Van Full of Candy, and a cheeseburger slinging clown. It’s sort of a creepy-trifecta right off the bat. The “Tweetsy” I’m referring to is one that starts off … #ThatAwkwardMomentWhen … and people put all kinds of awkward moments behind it. One of the more popular “moments” is, well, here it is below that I came across just today …

#thatawkaradmoment when you get in the van and there is no candy #disappointed—
sethboner (@sethboner5) August 24, 2011

First of all, thank you Mr. Boner5 for expressing your disappointment in not receiving any candy, and second of all, please know that if you get in our van, there’s more candy than you can handle. And hey dear reader, why not click on “Follow” for Mr. Boner, I’m sure he’d like some company. Now where was I? Ahh yes, explaining shit.

So the title comes from a conglomeration of a few things, beginning with an article I read on Time Magazine’s website today. It was about the 10 creepiest product mascots that they have so deemed worthy of this title. After going through their list I’d have to agree with most of them, but I would have added Fred Rated to the mix. Anyway, the two that stood out to me were the original Hamburglar and the original Ronald McDonald. So being the diligent purveyor of information that I am, I went on a research binge and came across something that even I hadn’t seen before. It’s about how Ronald McDonald skates through your neighborhood, offers your kids burgers and holds their hand as they skip off to McDonald’s for gawd knows what even though mommy said not to.

So dear readers, what have we learned from this PSA video? We’ve learned that when a strange man driving a van offers you candy, take a moment and think of what dear old mom said, then look at the van, and smell the candy, and listen to the driver’s voice. If it looks unlegit, and smells unlegit, and sounds unlegit, then get your ass in that van and eat as much candy as possible, because heck, a van full of candy is your favorite place in town, just like the commercial says. Beep beep !!

Dr. Keith Ablow is Really Angry By How Turned On He Is By Little Girls

While browsing the e-www’s this afternoon in search of the ridiculous and wrong to scream at, I stopped, as I often do by FOXnews.com. I stumbled upon an article written by a “Dr.” Keith Ablow with the headline “Dr. Keith: Is Vogue Magazine Creating Pedophiles?”

Am I missing the sexy part?

I could do a thousand words on the headline alone; the sensationalizing of fear and absurd reactionism being used to draw people in to his asinine argument by shouting “Pedophile” in a crowded internet. But that would be too easy. To really get into the pure unbridled directionless anger of this Keith Ablow, I have to really examine the heat of his meat… Which upon review, is probably not the best way to preface the thing, but there you go, because my delete key doesn’t work.

The entire article is written with the same self righteous chest beating and finger pointing that most crazy reactionaries fling around in a way that if you even dare to question a word of it, you might as well be doing so from atop your naked child throne. But it’s dipped in the kind of anger that makes it sound like Mr. Dr. feels like Vogue is trying to tempt him into breaking a promise that he swore he would never break again. I’m almost certain that Vogue isn’t specifically testing Ablow’s personal resolve, but by the way he viciously digs into everyone even remotely involved in this photo spread’s existence it sounds like it was written during the angriest fit of masturbation in the history of the penis.

The French edition of Vogue is rightly under fire for publishing a series of photos of Thylane Lena-Rose Loubry-Blondeau, a 10-year-old who appears in heavy makeup and a plunging neckline exposing her nonexistent cleavage and stiletto heels.

Immediately Dr. Keith begins his article by forfeiting any objectivity, journalistic integrity or grammatical competency with his opening salvo. The battle is effectively over before it has begun. By saying that Vogue is “rightly under fire” Dr. Keith makes his feelings perfectly clear while telling us about a “plunging neckline exposing her nonexistent cleavage and stiletto heels”  it’s also safe to assume that his doctorate is not in medicine, or he’s been jerking it so hard and for so long that his eyes are crossed. 

Blondeau’s beauty has been compared to that of film icon Brigitte Bardot. She is, however, most likely years away from puberty and more years away from being able to have a consensual sexual relationship with an adult.

I could make a couple arguments, which admittedly sort of contradict one another’s point. For one, it’s been shown that with the hormones in much of our food children have been encountering puberty at younger and younger ages in recent years. The other that in France the age of consent is 15 and in much of Europe generally hovers around 14, while in Spain, it is only 13… Neither of which actually matter much to either of our arguments, just saying. Also one could argue the difference between ”being able” to have a consensual sexual relationship and being legal allowed to, but then I’d kinda sound icky…

The images of Blondeau prove beyond any doubt that children are now being portrayed as erotic by mainstream media and industry. I’ve been warning about this trend for a long time, noting, for instance, that clothing companies like Abercrombie and Fitch were selling padded bikini bras for 8-year-olds (without any boycott of their stores), that Spanish toymaker Berjuan is selling a doll to little girls that encourages them to breastfeed (while wearing a vest that has flowers instead of erect nipples) and that fashion house Juicy Couture has no problem finding parents who’ll buy their little girls tight velour sweat suits with the word Juicy emblazoned across their bottoms.

It’s worse than I thought! Apparently the brave Dr. Keith has been trying to warn us for years that the mainstream media wants to fuck your children! I had no idea! The worst part about it though, is how they haven’t been doing that! Those tricky bastards! The Abercrombie toddler bra stuffing I can’t speak to, didn’t really see it. The Juicy pants are certainly ridiculous and while they simply make me groan at their stupidity, they seem to be iliciting an entirely different gutteral utterence from Mr. Dr.. But calling the breastfeeding doll an example of children being portrayed as erotic is a fairly clear example of one of Keith’s own personal fetishes. It almost sounds like he’s more disappointed that the vest DOESN’T depict hard little girl nipples, instead taking a little bit of the sexy out of it for him by replacing them with flowers. Feeding a baby naturally as mammals have since they were invented is of course lewd and pornographic, and teaching children that it’s okay is just turning them into deviants and objects for vague medical professionals to lust after.

In one Vogue photo Blondeau is pictured lying on her stomach atop a tiger pelt. She is wearing diamond earrings, lipstick, eye makeup and a red dress. In another, she looks about 20, with her mouth open and her finger gliding along her scarlet lips. The clear message is that it is A-OK to feel sexually stimulated by her (since that is the obvious intention of the photos), that little girls are inherently sexually desirable and that they desire men, in turn. Why else, the unconscious part of a man asks himself, would she dress that way?

Here we see plainly the conflict that this photo spread conjures in the loins of Dr. Keith. The entire thought was clearly transcribed from the “Doctor” justifying his own actions on himself, to himself, as he briefly lost track of the fact that he was composing an article.

The answer is, of course, because her reprehensible parents (no better than pimps) got paid to dress her that way by Vogue, and Vogue gets paid to dress her that way by selling magazines. But that doesn’t do away with the impact of the images themselves. Men don’t dismiss what they are made to feel sexually about little girls simply because they are looking at a staged photo shoot, any more than they dismiss their sexual feelings about female movie stars simply because they know the glib and erotic things they are saying and doing are scripted.

 

Oh yeah, and any girl who's ever played dress up is a dirty whore.

Now the full extent of the blame is being distributed. It’s the pimp like parents fault that Dr. Ablow has a funny feeling in his Doctor parts. It’s Vogue magazine’s fault for knowing just how to get Dr. Ablow’s juices running down his leg! And by simply changing a few pronouns “I don’t dismiss what I am made to feel sexually about little girls simply because I am looking at a staged photo shoot, any more than I dismiss my sexual feelings about female movie stars simply because I know the glib and erotic things they are saying and doing are scripted” sharpens the focus of the accusations the “good” “Doctor” is making a little more. For one, the photos aren’t that god damned sexy, I would go so far as to say they aren’t sexy at all, but that’s mostly because I don’t think that the ten year old girl on the other side of the page wants me inside of her any more than I want to be. The effect that you perceive the photos eliciting are equal to the effect you wish them to elicit. The question on Dr. Keith’s mind doesn’t really seem to be ”Is Vogue Magazine Creating Pedophiles?” so much as “How does Vogue Magazine Know I’m a Pedophile?”

It may be that something about social media and the Internet and technology is contributing to this trend. The fact that little girls have assimilated glib, flirtatious turns of phrase harvested from the Web (without even intending to be glib or flirtatious) and that they own the props of adulthood—like cell phones—prompts damaged men to think of them as little adults.

And as if it weren’t bad enough that parents and magazines want you to finger bang a fifth grader, so do the facebooks and the Googlepluses! AND CELL PHONES! Dr. Keith Ablow thinks that cell phones make little girls doable. Let’s stop for just a half a god damned second to examine that little throw away nugget, shall we? In the pictures that I saw in reference to this photo spread, there was nary a one cell phone. So this isn’t even something he’s taking from the subject matter, this is just a kink that he’s admitting to on his own. That cell phones, one of the “props of adulthood” make children look bangtastic. Cell phones. Fucking CELL PHONES!

Not only do I believe Vogue is stimulating pedophiles to act on their desires, but I believe Vogue and Abercrombie and Juicy are creating pedophiles by coaxing dark, illegal desires out of men who would never have otherwise consciously felt them, let alone acted upon them.

Any time a child is abducted or assaulted by anyone ever from here until the end of time, it’s on Vogue and Abercrombie and Juicy’s hands. They are pushing men who would otherwise have ABSOLUTELY NO SEXUAL INTEREST IN CHILDREN, into wanting to violate them with their man penises, because of non-racy pictures, swim suits and sweat pants… That’s what this man, who presumably went to school to be able to type “Dr.” in front of his name, essentially just said. You have probably never thought your entire life about touching a child, but a pair of stupid pants has the power to make you want nothing more than that thing now. That is what this imbecile is saying…

Any adult woman who buys a Vogue magazine, or sets foot in an Abercrombie and Fitch store or buys a stitch of Juicy clothing (just to name a small number of examples) is on the side of those who would deprive our children of childhood and turn them into the targets of predators.

And in the end, this rant against a magazine, becomes an attack on women specifically. Any woman who buys this magazine, or those pants, or that bikini supports pedophilia. Supports, promotes, defends, and produces pedophiles. Apparently there are innumerous “examples” of how pedophiles can be created, but “Dr.” Keith would like to simply point out the specific examples how it’s women’s fault that little girls are raped. If it weren’t for moms “pimping” out their little girls, these poor, defenseless men wouldn’t be tempted into forcibly penetrating them. WHAT ELSE COULD THEY DO!? It’s not their fault, they didn’t even want to before things like tight sweat pants existed.

Dr. Keith Ablow, I know this isn’t the first time you’ve been told this, and it won’t be the last time you ignore it:

You’re a fucking idiot. If I believed you were capable of it, I would say that you should be ashamed. Now go ahead, if you ever see this, go ahead and ignore everything I’ve said here and just dismiss me as defending pedophiles too, rather than pointing out the ridiculous, knee jerk, reactionary rantings of a lunatic feeding red meat to the frightened idiots who listen to you, instead of trying to contribute to a rational, thoughtful discussion about something.

Happy weekend everybody!

Secrets of the TabCo Tablet! The Secret Tablet from TabCo! TABCO!

Do you own an iPad or a PlayBook or any other assorted Android nonsense? Well did you know that you might as well jump off a cliff as much as you know about anything? That’s what the people at TabCo want you to know, and they should know, because they’re selling you something.

Look at all those assholes, with things they know and that exist. Idiots...

Have you heard? There’s a new Tablet coming that’s going to blow the ass off of everything you’ve learned about Tablets in the long, storied, couple years that they’ve existed! Wanna hear more? Well too bad! Because that’s a secret! Why is it a secret? … Too bad! The people at TabCo know that the only thing better than having a quality product that you want to tell the entire world all about, is having something else that you want everyone to believe is amazing by not telling them that it’s not! You don’t know anything about it, and already you want seven of ‘em! Because it works!

But I know shit: SECRET SHIT, and I’m gonna spill it all over your eyes! It’s so secret and so shit, it’s gonna make your head call your balls a liar, only to be kicked in its headballs when your balls hear about that bullion! So strap your balls in and tell your brain to shut the fuck up, as Van Full of Candy PRESENTS:

TabCo Tablet secrets EXPLODED!

What is a TabCo Tablet?

Well, I think you just answered your own question. It’s a Tablet. Or is it? Maybe. Maybe even probably. Probably maybe. But almost certainly probably… Intrigued? Fuck yeah you are.

What can a TabCo Tablet do?

I think a better question is what CAN’T a TabCo Tablet do? Because I know about as much about what it can do as what it can’t. But I can speculate. Holy Smelly Crazy Monkey can I speculate… It’s a Tablet, right? … I’m asking you… Let’s just say that it is. So it’ll probably play Angry Birds. And you can more than likely turn it and the picture will move and shit… It’s mysterious, so it probably has super powers. Rumor has it that the TabCo Tablet will be able to read your mind and judge you for your sins. Which rumor? Well I heard just two sentences ago that the TabCo Tablet will be able to read your mind and judge you for your sins… THAT RUMOR!

How much will the TabCo Tablet cost?

Money!

What is it? Fuck if I know, but I want one!

If I am unfaithful to my significant other, will the TabCo Tablet be cool?

Money!

Will it have Flash?

No. The TabCo Tablet will not have Flash. It will have FLASH! The difference? Well, beyond the obvious capitalization, TabCo’s FLASH will not only allow you to view fancy ass graphical contents, but if you place a frozen burrito on your FLASH enabled TabCo Tablet and leave it in a dark closet for 43 to 47 minutes, when you return you will find a piping hot chocolate cake waiting for you to enjoy. Don’t believe me? Well just try it for yourself. Oh, that’s right, you can’t, because the TabCo Tablet is all secret like and you wouldn’t know! So until this amazing advancement in personal computerized amazement hits the stores, you’re just going to have to take my word for the amazing things it does, now aren’t you?

Why, I could go on and on about the adjective worthy experiences, doings and goings on that this new TabCo Tablet will introduce into your otherwise wasted, pathetic wrong Tableted life. But I won’t. I’ve already said too much as it is. And while I know the folks at TabCo Tablets will certainly be furious with all of the super secretive secret type secrets that I have revealed here today, I’m hoping that they can look past that and instead see that I have said the words “TabCo Tablet” nineteen times by the end of this article, and shower me with TabCo Tablets for my superb work at getting the word out about their amazing new product of mystery and wonder.

‘Cause who better than me? Really? Honestly?

Oh, I almost forgot: TabCo Tablet.

Can I get a Pack of Crusty Lung Light Menthol 100 Extra Slims Please?

Good news everybody! It’s still legal to suck disease straight down your throat, and it just got a whole lot sexier!

Word came down today that the smooth, rich flavor that just makes life worth living is now going to come in new, “edgier” goth doom packaging. Adorned in “labels that depict in graphic detail the negative health effects of tobacco use… the corpse of a smoker, diseased lungs, and a mother holding her baby with smoke swirling around them” and hip new catch phrases like “Smoking can kill you” and “Cigarettes cause cancer”… Hooray?

No shit...

This will of course do very little to curb smoking, likely as much as, say, distributing servings of heroin (that’s how they’re doled out, right? Serving sizes with nutritional information on the side? I haven’t caught up on my DVRed episodes of “The Oxycontin Express”, please, no spoilers) in mylar party balloons with the words “Don’t” scribbled on the side in the blood of your own children. See, we as Americans often do stupid shit, that’s kind of our thing. Not that smoking is strictly an American past time, ’cause it ain’t, but we know how to put our own particular child lock brand of insulting stupidity on it. It’s the American way.

There’s nothing in this latest move by the FDA about banning the sale of cigarettes or tobacco products. Nothing to remove from the shelves a product that is responsible for approximately 443,000 deaths a year. Their solution is simply to make the packs hard to look at and hope to scare smokers straight. By making half the pack look like a snuff film, telling them that “Eating poison will surely assassinate you” and giving them the 1-800 number to a stop smoking hot line, the FDA has done its job and made the world safe again. Smokers today are allowed to smoke legally only in a two foot square cabinet under their bathroom sink which upon moving must be shipped to a special cigarette nook disposal facility in North Dakota where it is then buried three miles deep under a thick protective layer of E.T. Atari 2600 game cartridges until Jesus can safely exorcise all of the inky black cancer vapors or the sun expands to the point of devouring the solar system and all life as we know it… Which ever comes first. Making the packs scary ain’t gonna stop smokers from smoking their smoke making smokes.

Debating whether or not cigarettes should be made illegal is pointless. They never will be. They’ll be $60 a pack and sold wrapped in photographs of the grandchildren that cancer will prevent you from ever meeting before they’re made illegal. Should they be? Well, the way I see it, the key to whether something should be illegal or not should be whether or not that something’s sale would be approved if it were presented as a brand new product today.

Chainsaw... it's what your face wants!

I personally have a product that has been proven to, if used properly, fucking murder you. When can I start selling this thing to children while telling anyone trying to arrest me that I am in no way trying to sell them to children? My new product is called “Chainsaw to the Face”. And just as the name suggests, it is the rich, refreshing taste of chainsaw, delivered conveniently and comfortably, directly to the god damned face. Chainsaws are legal, faces are most certainly still legal, despite all of big anti-face’s efforts to make them otherwise. Why couldn’t I sell boxes of “Chainsaw to the Face” in every gas station and drug store across God’s own free land. Go ahead FDA, slather it in warning labels if it’ll make you feel like you’re doing your job. Dip our boxes in pictures of the results of the use of our product: old people with their faces chainsawed off. “Chainsaw to the Face” is just too addictive, that’s why we secretly try to hook our customers when they’re young, to get the most possible “Chainsaw to the Face” years out of them before, inevitably, they are killed by the proper, clinical, only possible use of “Chainsaw to the Face”: a chainsaw to the face…

The only thing the FDA can think to do, or will be allowed to do, to a product that kills 1 in every 693 people in this country is to make half of the pack look like what will happen if you use what’s inside as directed. Nobody at this point in human history doesn’t know that cigarettes are bad for you. The last person born before packs of cigarette had to legally start telling people that they wanted to murder you for buying them, turned 56 this year. Seeing exactly how cigarettes plan on doing it every time you pick up your pack isn’t going to make many people suddenly realize that their sucking a dozen kinds of poison into their face might not be the best thing for them… They could start packaging cigarettes in people recently murdered by cigarettes and it would have little effect on their purchase power.

By the estimates of this article and of new studies 20% of Americans smoke: about 46 million Smokey-Americans. By implementing this new horrific labeling, the FDA, BY THEIR OWN ESTIMATES, believe they will reduce the number of smokers by 213,000 in 2013 “with smaller additional reductions through 2031″. So their big victory against tobacco is that by making half of the pack look like a cereal killer’s frigidaire, they are going to reduce the number of smokers in the United States by… wait for it… 0.46%! Twice as many people will still die in 2013 from smoking, as their new horror porn warning labels will save over the next 18 years…

The tobacco companies are laughing their tar covered balls off at you FDA. 

Cigarettes got in on the ground floor of murdering Americans with their products. tobacco products have been killing Americans as long as there’ve been Americans. And if one of our nation’s original biggest exports had been cocaine of heroin or Chainsaws to the Face, then they would be just as inexorably entrenched in American commerce as the tobacco industry.

So good for you tobacco, you made yourself too important to have to give a shit that you’re murdering your customers and too big to be stopped. Good for you.

Montel Williams Wants To Get You Stoned

Let's make a smoothie outta this beotch

So Montel William’s television show, monotonously named, “The Montel William’s Show” ended a few years ago. Not that anybody had any clue, hence, me letting you know. You probably know him better for his infomercials pushing his Healthmaster Blender to people who are too lazy to actually go to a grocery store, buy the ingredients to make a healthy soup or smoothie, peel, chop and blend those ingredients and then wash out the Healthmaster, dry it, and put it away so they can be healthier by making better food choices. But the motivation to do so is there everytime you pick up the user-guide/menu with thoughts of “oh that’s easy, I can totally do that”, but the blender just ends up depressed in a cupboard collecting dust right next to that salad spinner you really needed to start making your own salads, it then gets moved from apartment to apartment with well wishes of using it one day, only to be put in a box

Would you mind blending me up a nice hot bowl of "STFU"?

and transplanted to the garage where it sits for another two years before another apartment move to where one says, “let’s put it on Craigslist”, but doing that takes so much freakin’ effort that it ends up next to the apartment dumpster you’re moving out of with a FREE sign on it only to be seen by another “wanna be healthier” person, picked up and put in their cupboard. Thanks Montel, but Burger King meal deal #4 is sounding really good and easy right about now.

So as I’m perusing my local rag today, I read that Mr. Blender Man wants to open a medical-cannibas dispensery in Sacramento. Hey wait! I freakin’ live in Sacramento. Montel just totally showed up in my backyard and wants to get me stoned. SWEET!! But wait, it gets better. I also find out that Montel is going to be a special guest for the improv comedy company we used to be a part of. We had better get some sort of sweet-ass-pot-ex-employee discount, that’s all I can say. You hear me Montel? Or better yet, you better give me a sweet rate on my cash advance of $1,500 that I can get through your Montel Williams Cash Advance Website … Wait! WHAT??!! You’re also a Check-Into-Cash? I’m starting to get really confused with all your different business ventures and websites and health and psychics on your old show and blunt rollin’ and … damn, I need a smoothie. (And in that instant it all became very clear to me).

I got money, blenders, blunts, whattchuwant ??

Montel has a “Downward Spiral Ponzi Multi Level Marketing Healthy Stoner Scheme” going on. It’s a very rare one, but one that I’ve only heard about in biblical scrawls. Here’s how it works: The show, The Montel William’s Show, was the credibility draw. We’re drawn in with all your good deeds of people-helping, and even bringing in mediums who can predict the future and talk to our deceased loved ones. That’s the hook, you’ve got us to love you, the kind of love which never goes away. THEN … you open a Wacky Tobacky store to get us all nice and lit and ready for some munchies. As we’re sitting on the couch unable to more than giggle at our ferns, you buy some commercial time and tell us about your snack making Healthblender, which we absolutely need because we’re munchy’er than shit at that point, but we don’t have quite enough to buy it, so we go online to your Money Dealin’ store and get a quick loan that is quickly deposited into our bank account which we then immediately use to purchase our high speed fruit mixer, sending that money directly back to you. You’re a clever one Mr. Williams, a clever one indeed. Now, about that discount.

Sarah Palin: Professional Grifter

It used to be that a huckster would rumble into town in a brightly colored wagon emblazoned with grandiose hyperbole about their stature and abilities. And the townsfolk, how they would flock to this charismatic charlatan, selling them something they thought they wanted, taking their “donations” for the promise of a better life and happier tomorrow. Then they would leave quietly in the night and the next morning the people would wake up, wonder who that wild eyed caricature was, why they were there, and why they got so excited about it.

It’s nice to see that some things never change.

Round and round! What comes around goes around! I'll tell you why!

Internet personality and reality television subject Sarah Palin is currently cris-crossing the country, a trail of “reporters”, whom she supposedly openly despises, clinging to her ass, unsure why they’re following her, but knowing if they don’t someone else will and people will watch them instead. No express purpose has been given for this continental wander, other than to see the great history spots of this fine country place. If this were a simple sight seeing trip with the family, exploring the many wonders that this land has to offer, it wouldn’t require a tour bus with the subtlety of the bass player for Ratt fucking a groupie with a can of hairspray on a pile of tour shirts. What we do know is that she’s not running for office, she’s not promoting a movie, she’s not really contributing anything to anything in any way measurable. What she does seem to be doing though, is taking an expensive independent study 6th grade Social Studies class with all of the money that people give her because… I don’t know why.

Sarah Palin isn’t going to run for President. Why would she want to? Being President would mean responsibility and accountability and a significant pay cut. So instead she’s going to explore the possibilities, and search the belly fires, listen to what her imaginary sky monster tells her to do, and hem and haw and maybe and could be and if you’re really Americany I just might, you know, for you. Because as soon as she says she’s running, she can’t spend her donation money on family vacations, so where’s the up side? Being the leader of the free world? Who needs the headache? 

Anyone's listening to you because...?

The truth is that she doesn’t want to be President. Who the fuck would anymore? Hell, she didn’t want to be Governor of Alaska, where your only real responsibility is not freezing to death or accidentally eating one or more of your children to survive. What Sarah Palin wants is to be famous. She wants to be rich. She wants to have no responsibility, and be able to, almost expected to, reflexively, instinctively criticize and insinuate and insult, all while deflecting, offering no actual solutions or ideas of any kind and attacking anyone who would ever call her on any of her shit. It’s easier to prey on the fears of middle America and talk about what’s perceived to be wrong, than to say how to fix it and make actual things actually happen, actually.

So instead of offering anything of substance she shills bottles of Auntie Sarah’s Americana Super Tonic Elixir! Good for all what ails ya! For all the REAL Americans. The hockey grizzly moms! The helicopter borne shooters of things! The lockers, the reloaders! Because God put that oil in the ground for America so we should go get it!

Tired of radical muslim extremist socialist Presidents pallin’ around with terrorists? Just get yourself a bottle of good ol’ Auntie Sarah’s Americana Super Tonic Elixir! Tired of the lame stream media covering your every move just like you want them to so long as they don’t try to ask you about your opinions or twist your words by playing them back exactly as you said them?

With Auntie Sarah’s Americana Super Tonic Elixir you’ll finally be able to see exactly what’s wrong with America without the hassle of actually offering any ways to solve them, while simultaneously being able to attack anyone who ever questions the inherent greatness and superiority of this most perfect of nations given by lord Jesus McAwesome to the world as a beacon of light and freedom! These, the single 50 greatest United States of the Americas!

So step right up, no pushin’ folks, there’s no risk of missin’ this show! Be amazed, be astounded, be disgusted and revolted by the Arctic Media Monster! The Sad, Inconceivable, Shameless Thing That Won’t Go Away! The Incredible, Astonishing, Spectacular Neverdent of the United States of Real America! Sarah Palin: Professional Grifter!

Happy Memorial Day Sale – Extra 15% Off + Free Shipping !!

Happy Summer Start Sale You Brave Shopping Soldiers

In honor of all those who have shopped all over this great land of freedom called America (The Mall Of), and for those who have died on the battlefields of miserably long retail lines, we salute you with an extra 10% off your entire purchase if you sign up for one of our credit cards today.

In honor of those who thought American Express cards were accepted at certain stores

Today we honor your frugality and smart fashion sense by raising the American flag briskly to the top of the staff, as fast as the elevator can get you from Juniors on the 1st floor to Women’s Shoes on the third floor. We will then solemnly lower the flag back down to the half-staff position at the “remembrance” speed of an escalator going to Home Furnishings where it will remain until noon, at which point we will raise it back up to full-staff, which was honorably named after having all employees manning their stations right after the lunch rush at Hot Dog on a Stick in the Food Court, where it will remain waving proudly as a symbolic beacon much like the Blue-Light Special at K-Mart.

Memorial Day Sale is a day when family and good friends can get together, BBQ the meats of poorly treated animals, sip on some lemonade and reminisce about our triumph at Macy’s Hill, the tragedy of Pottery Barn Harbor, and all the other war stories of sales gone by and loved ones who didn’t make it out those sales alive. We can watch pretty colored cars spin around a track for 500 miles and consume red, white and blue

I got this hat as a free gift with purchase of $50 of Lancome

lager until we turn crab red whilst lounging by our concrete swim areas in our newly purchased bikinis and board shorts, which did I mention was an extra 25% off since I got there before 6am? And hopefully miss the DUI checkpoint on the way home. Ahh yes!! What a lovely holiday.

Happy Memorial Day Sale to everyone!