Hey friends, we’d like to apologize for ignoring all of you for so long, but sometimes the van needs to be taken to a garage and given an overhaul. So forget the apology because what we should have said was … you’re welcome … for recharging our batteries and bringing some really good shit your way for 2012. What is we’re bringing? Quit being nosy and just keep coming back and seeing what the F we’re bringin’ !!
So let’s get to this trendy “resolution” bullshit shall we?
1. Lose Weight : Ok fine, sure, we put a few pounds on this last year being the rockstars that we are, but you know what? That’s beautiful weight, the weight you put on when you’re on fire, when you’re closin’ bars and collecting phone numbers. Look, you wanna lose some weight, get rid of that piece of shit significant other that’s holding you back … instant +/- 100-200 lbs. of weight off your shoulders. You can thank me later.
2. Quit Smoking : Quit smoking cigarettes PERIOD !! You look hot while you do it, but
you look like an Auschwitz victim when you’re done with that last pack of Marlboro’s. Cigars and pipes … that’s a different story. I just got a new pipe for Xmas and all I can tell so far is that, I look smart when I do it, it smells handsome and it doesn’t have tar and formaldehyde, so … yeah … quit smoking goddamn cigarettes !!
3. Quit Drinking : HAHAHAHAAAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAH … oh … stop, my stomach hurts, holy fuck !!!!
HAHHHAHAAAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHAHHHAHAHHA …. WHoooooooooo … HAHAHAHA !! Ok fine !! I’ll try to stop … drinking … wheatgrass.
4. Get Out of Debt : Resistance is futile you pathetic Non-American piece of … listen, get 3-5 credit cards, max them out and be like the rest of us … get out of debt … psh !! You know you need that thing that you can order on the internet. Order it !!!
5. Spend More Time with Family : Remember just a few short weeks ago when you woke up to the anxiety of driving to your parent’s house where your crazy aunt and 150 year old grandfather were going to be sitting around a dry turkey, boxed stuffing
and the freeze dried dysfunction of all the holiday gatherings of Xmas past? Exactly !! This one will cost you more in therapy that you’ll run up on #4′s credit card, which will eventually put you in bankruptcy with bill collectors reminding you several times a week.
HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR !!!