Your iPad is Today’s Genie In a Magic Lamp – Now Make a Wish

I told you it was that big !!

Did you hear the one about the Canadian who walks into America showing the border patrol guard a digital picture of his passport, which was scanned into his iPad? Well folks, there’s no punchline to this joke eh, because it’s the freaking damn truth eh !!

Yeah, some maple-leaf lover sashayed his way into the good ol’ U.S of A with a picture on his electronic Etch-a-Sketch, got into . Now here’s where I get confused as to bag on the technology and the late-great Steve Jobs and his influence on border terrorism, or do I bag on the fact that our “homeland security” is as lax as a carny operating
the Tilt-a-Whirl? Let’s go with technology and the things I will scan into my iPhone that will be seen as true.

Pssssst, hey you, yeah you, you wanna get into America? Come 'ere.

Money: The obvious 1st choice. I will lay $100 worth of $20 bills on the table and take a picture of it. Any establishment in which I partake of consumerism, I will gladly whip out my iPad, show them the picture of money I have and pay for what I need that way. If what I purchase is less than $100, they will give me change. If what I purchase costs more than $100, then I will show them the picture as many times as it takes to make the purchase price.

Penis Size: Some might say THIS is the obvious 1st choice, but it is definitely the 2nd spot. Because penis size can’t buy you happiness, but a picture of money can buy you a big penis, so, by all rights, this is the proper 2nd choice. I will copy a picture of a large 10″ monster-cock onto my iPad from one of many porn sites and use it as a conversation starter to women at the bar. I’ll brag about how hung I am, and when they scoff, I will grin as I slowly pull out my 10″ snake and watch their reaction as they beg to get out of there and head to her house.

My Face: I will use a perfectly Photoshop’d headshot of myself, with perfect white teeth, no eye wrinkles, tucked chin, filled in receeding hairline and a glimmer in my eye filter as my new face. I will pull the picture up on the iPad, strap it to my head, and walk around town meeting all the gorgeous ladies and landing all the 6 figure jobs, because, well looks are everything.

Cars:This one could come before “face” because we all know the ladies love guys in badass cars for whatever goddamn reason. Those old men with gray hair, Member’s Only jackets, Docker’s slacks and

You like Lamborghini's? Sweet ... I like poontang !!!

some horrible old man Nunn Bush comfort gel shoes. It doesn’t matter what they look like or dress like because the shine of their racing yellow Corvette blinds the ladies enough to hop in and take a ride with daddy. So for this I will be scanning a red Ferrari and using it only as a last resort if I forgot to upload any of the prior three pics into my iPad.

We’re Joining the Non-Lethal Arms Race! (Warning: Potential Arm Damage)

The internet: you can find anything here, from cats wearing things to cats falling from things or even the grammatically poor ways we imagine cats are expressing their feelings for and about things. But in the approximately nine percent of the internet that ISN’T specifically devoted to feline adorableness, there are some other interesting things that pop up, like, for example, the US Military’s letters to Hippie NRA Santa about all the crazy things they wish he would invent for them to shoot at things.

Over 100 not very secret pages of non lethally imagi-bombs and make believasers were published on the internets by some busy body who doesn’t want someone to be surprised the next time they’re not subdued by a military grade hug ray. This “Non-Lethal Weapons Reference Book” which is basically being called the “Things You Never Knew Existed” catalogue of as seen on TV scuba diver tummy ache beams and crowd uncomfortabling lasers, as released by the US Department of Defense’s Joint Non-Lethal Weapons Directorate. A “sales pitch for continued funding”.

Now, naturally, this got me to thinking. I can come up with awesome made up ways to shoot annoying people with imagination! And apparently, there’s not even a need for any of my crazy this to ever become reality since apparently: “A 2009 report by the US Government Accountability Office said that the JNLWD had spent at least $386 million on 50 research projects – but had failed to actually produce any new weapons.”

I can totally do that! Coming up with ideas for this that never materializes is what I’m all ABOUT!

So, with the promise of hundreds of millions of dollars to feed my madness and a bloodless lust in my heart I present to you, the VFoC Apartment of Cut-it-Outs: Rail Un-Hurty Projectile Superintendency (RUHPS)

First of all, Mister or Missus Weapon Buying Patriot, I give you our acronym: far superior to that jumble of unusable Scrabble tiles that other weapon dealer calls a name. Jinuluwud? Bullshit – Rups! Just say it “Rups” (silent h, obviously). That sticks in the mind, you know that Rups sells you your humane crowd stompers and you trust that the name “Rups” means quality invisible weaponesque “technologies”.

But you’re here to buy things to hurt people so bad they’ll wish they were dead, but legally can not be held responsible in any way for said harm. We know, and we want to sell those things to you! So allow me to present our first new harm-portunity:

The Giggle Cannon!

The face of terror.

Directing precisely targeted “technology particles” at your victim’s most theoretically ticklish zones or “ticklish zones” ie, pits, ribblets, taint – the Giggle Canon renders assailants helpless, twitching masses of fun! And as a special added bonus, the effects of the Giggle Cannon makes even the most hardened “Death to America” lefty look innocent and care free in their uncontrollable chuckle fit.

Collateral Damage: Tough guy image, 29% Chance of Pant Be-Dampening.

But if only a three in ten chance of ruining the enemies slacks just isn’t enough retaliation for you, then RUHPS has something else that might fill your boots with “joy”. Introducing:

The Re-Crappinator!

"Oh! Your freedom filled my pants!"

Using future based ”micro-science” technology and concussive sound wave projectiling you will fill any non-killing field with the pungent fumes of bowel dominance! With a variable control dial setting ranging from “Turtle Head” to “Ass-tastrophe” the Re-Crappinator will fill the pants of your enemies at an alarming rate, sending insurgents and collaborators scattering with chunks of their partially digested granola and tofu lunches trailing behind them!

Collateral Damage: Dignity, o-ring structural integrity.

And while those two gems of the RUHPS catalogue should be more than enough to topple any ne’erdowells that might threaten the peace in your part of God’s purple majesty, we have saved the best for last. Completely non-lethal, utterly effective and absolutely environmentally friendly:

The Controlled Crowd Fragmentalization Bags!

Occupying... Elsewhere.

Essentially a paper sack filled with black powder, old bicycle gears and spent plutonium rods, the Controlled Crowd Fragmentalization Bags is the first and last word in crowd disbursement technology. Simply turn on the bag with the gentle introduction of a polite eco neutral natural elemental force, place bag amongst those you wish to no longer be where they currently are, and watch as the Controlled Crowd Fragmentalization Bag instantameously eliminates your unwanted nuisance! No muss, no fuss.

Collateral Damage: Negligible.

So in conclusion, we at Van Full of Candy’s Apartment of Cut-it-Outs: Rail Un-Hurty Projectile Superintendency (RUHPS), would like to thank you for taking the time to hear our presentation. We look forward to using your hundreds of millions of dollars to help make this world a safer, happier place for me to spend hundreds of millions of dollars in government contracts on whores and narcotics, as that money is usually spent! We’ve finally found our calling, now you better pray we never find you!

USA! USA! USA!

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions and Why You Suck If You Do Them

Hey friends, we’d like to apologize for ignoring all of  you for so long, but sometimes the van needs to be taken to a garage and given an overhaul. So forget the apology because what we should have said was … you’re welcome … for recharging our batteries and bringing some really good shit your way for 2012. What is we’re bringing? Quit being nosy and just keep coming back and seeing what the F we’re bringin’ !!

So let’s get to this trendy “resolution” bullshit shall we?

Hop on shuggah !!

1. Lose Weight : Ok fine, sure, we put a few pounds on this last year being the rockstars that we are, but you know what? That’s beautiful weight, the weight you put on when you’re on fire, when you’re closin’ bars and collecting phone numbers. Look, you wanna lose some weight, get rid of that piece of shit significant other that’s holding you back … instant +/- 100-200 lbs. of weight off your shoulders. You can thank me later.

2. Quit Smoking : Quit smoking cigarettes PERIOD !! You look hot while you do it, but

Can I bum a smoke?

you look like an Auschwitz victim when you’re done with that last pack of Marlboro’s. Cigars and pipes … that’s a different story. I just got a new pipe for Xmas and all I can tell so far is that, I look smart when I do it, it smells handsome and it doesn’t have tar and formaldehyde, so … yeah … quit smoking goddamn cigarettes !!

Yeah right !!

3. Quit Drinking : HAHAHAHAAAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAH … oh … stop, my stomach hurts, holy fuck !!!!

HAHHHAHAAAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHAHHHAHAHHA …. WHoooooooooo … HAHAHAHA !! Ok fine !! I’ll try to stop … drinking … wheatgrass.

4. Get Out of Debt : Resistance is futile you pathetic Non-American piece of … listen, get 3-5 credit cards, max them out and be like the rest of us … get out of debt … psh !! You know you need that thing that you can order on the internet. Order it !!!

5. Spend More Time with Family : Remember just a few short weeks ago when you woke up to the anxiety of driving to your parent’s house where your crazy aunt and 150 year old grandfather were going to be sitting around a dry turkey, boxed stuffing

Yay! Momma made turkey in a bucket !!!

and the freeze dried dysfunction of all the holiday gatherings of Xmas past? Exactly !! This one will cost you more in therapy that you’ll run up on #4′s credit card, which will eventually put you in bankruptcy with bill collectors reminding you several times a week.

HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR !!!