This Didn’t Happen Today in History — November 30th

November 30th 2012 –

After the inadvertent release of indisputable scientific and theological confirmation of the Mayan calendar’s grim prediction of the end of the world and with a now hard, verified three weeks remaining in the very existence of the planet Earth and all of mankind, the peoples of the world, finally seeing above the infinitesimal irrelevant tribal struggles over resources and deific squabbles that have made neighbors foes for millenia embark on what future ancient Earth civilizations will refer to as “Suck’n'Fucknorak”.

The fossilized remains of a trans-continental daisy chain spanning the breadth of what they will never know as the former United States of America will be misinterpreted as the skeleton of the great “Beast of a Hundred Million Backs” which legend will have it, cracked the very planet in half with the force of it’s Earth shattering orgasmic roar.

World’s Slowest Yet Most Expensive Female Pleaser

One for every outfit and occasion

Women like it slow, but if this is the kind of slow that they mean, then I’m gonna go grab a sandwich and I’ll be back when you’re good and worked up, in say, oh … two hours. The porn industry is a multi-ka-trillbion dollar industry. It’s everywhere you look and everywhere you don’t want it to be when you’re looking at it at work and cant get the fuckin’ window to close fast enough when someone walks up behind you at your desk … CLICK CLICK CLICK FUCKING CLOSE GODDAMMIT … hey, oh that, that was just … cute kittehs, so what can I help you with?

At Van Full of Candy Research Labs, we spend a LOT of our R&D funds on finding the next best plastic love toy that makes you feel not alone while being, well, totally alone … night after night after lubed up melon-sex night. And melons aren’t cheap these days, you know with global warming and crops dying and all that, so … anyway, I lost track of … oh yeah … sad masturbation gimmicks. We spend 70% of our budget on these devices so we can personally test them, make sure they’re up to snuff and then let you, our loyal fans, which items should be on your naughty Xmas list.

Not too long ago, Jesse did a great article on, which I’d like to call “My Favorite Friend Thusfar”, a wonderful little toy called handjob bot that took China by storm, not to mention my millions of children. But we have now uncovered a new playmate for women who like to be teased and foreplay’d for a while, and for people who have a pension for Gumby. We have a couple of volunteers right now testing the device as we speak, but since it’s still 6″ away from touching them, well, we’ll probably need to report our findings next month.

Without further ado, Van Full of Candy presents … X Marks the Spot

Weight Loss & Muscle Gain … The Van Full of Candy Way

We all overate this past week, and we’re all still eating the leftovers pretending those calories don’t count, well, because they’re leftovers and only the original three meals make us fat. Well if you want to melt those holiday pounds right off your skeleton, then look no further. We here at Van Full of Candy always have our finger on the pulse of healthy living and lean muscle mass … gaining. Trust me, it sounds bad, but it’s actually good.

Our friends at Optimum Nutrition really love us, so they’re always keeping us up to date on the latest health supplements and products that make you feel wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired, in a healthy way, not like that other drink that Jesse likes so much. This shit is legit. So thank you to our dear friends, and hopefully future SPONSORS, hint hint, Optimum Nutrition for hookin’ us up with the real good junk.

Address blurred for YOUR protection, trust me

Upon opening the envelope of nutritional bounty, many yummy products spilled out like little packs of crack. Once you get a small taste of the pure uncut stuff you’ll be back for more.

Look at the pretty colors ... I want to put it in my body

I didn’t have time to read the actual “directions” that Optimum Nutrition carefully places on every packet, but once I got past having to get a glass of water and a spoon to stir, I lost interest and did it the Van Full of Candy way.

I want to lose weight NOWWWWWWWW !!

Now for you video entertainment enjoyment, please enjoy my award winning video that won me 100 lbs. of Optimum Nutrition Whey Protein. You’d think I’d be in better shape with all this healthy stuff, but apparently you’re supposed to workout, psh, who has time for that?

American Atheists Unveil New Super Hero Team: M.Y.T.H.S.

Just in time for Christmas: the holy celebration of the birth of the one true lord who shall judge us all at the right hand of the father as we pass from this mortal realm to the infinite of our judgement, the folks at American Atheist have introduced America’s new favorite super team:

By our powers combined, we form-- HONK! HONK-HONK! H-HOOOONK!

M.Y.T.H.S.!

(Mentoring Youths Trough Heroics Super!)

(From right to left: President Chupacabra, Secret Beard, Power Heart and of course, Aquaman.)

On Earth 7, Doug Parks was just your normal, every day, run of the mill live stock de-boner. He had come from a long line of live stock de-boners and expected he would live the rest of his life, going through the motions of the work a day world, removing the skeletal structure from farm animals for $9.50 an hour before someday retiring to a little place that a life time of de-boning and careful savings had bought him. That is until the day that his entire family was kidnapped by a squishy bag of goat meat that called itself “Vengepuddle”. Leaving the rescue of his family to the proper authorities Doug would go on to receive pieces of his loved ones in the mail for the next seven years.

Seeing that there was something wrong with the system Doug Parks launched a successful Presidential campaign on the back of his blue collar, rags to riches roots. Then, one day while touring an alternative energy facility President Doug Parks was sucked into an interdimensional vortex and deposited here on Mega Earth 1A, where he fights to protect a world that fears and distrusts him.

Dwight T. Eiffeltower was a sickly young lad who was rejected by the Army Corps of Engineers when his patchy, speckled facial hair caused a decorated war hero to commit suicide at a recruiting table that Dwight was simply walking past. Encouraged by a sense of responsibility for the Nine Star Admiral’s death Dwight volunteered for a secret government program that he’d read about on a public rest room wall. Eiffeltower was injected with a top secret serum consisting of Racist Honey Bee Pollen and Haunted Low Fat Milk and bombarded with Gramma Rays. The experiment seemed to be an embarrassing failure as Dwight was immediately killed to death and stayed dead for twenty-eight years.

But finally, after clawing his way out of his own grave Dwight T. Eiffeltower emerged again with strange powers beyond reason and a voice in his head that was not his own. Upon returning to life Dwight found that he had been possessed by the spirit of Nine Star Admiral Beauregard Tinwhistle. Dwight knew that he and Beauregard must use their new found powers to fight injustice where ever they found it, and so was born “Secret Beard”.

Secret Beard has the power to make anyone, anywhere forget facial hair.

While rummaging through a cardboard box full of donations behind an abandoned thrift store one Flag Day, Carlos Arriba discovered a heart shaped amulet glowing with energy. When no one would buy it from him Carlos decided to keep the stupid thing anyway then. Then, one afternoon, while taking a break from urinating on his possessions and screaming at invisible cookie people that he was certain were trying to kill him in the back of the alley he called home, Carlos took a moment to examine the back of the amulet where he found writing in a language that he had never seen before. Suddenly, as if possessed by the invisible cookie people themselves Carlos slipped into a trance, recited the words on the amulet and was transformed into the being known as “Power Heart”.

Able to seek out and destroy bad cholesterol where ever it dwells, Power Heart is the scourge of the Buttery Under World of New Oldly: The City of Whenever. Now, when Carlos speaks his magical oath “No fatties!” he becomes POWER HEART!

And Aquaman punches people with fish.

Together they visit inner city youth shelters, teaching children how to fill out job applications and the importance of adequate tipping while occasionally saving the world from the ruthless machinations of The Orange Bucket and his Legion of Fuck Offs.

So where ever there is three for one wing nights, when ever someone drops their keys into a stripper, how ever somebody forgets what they just came in for, there is just one force to scream for like a lost child in a lost child factory:

www.atheists.org Presents:

M.Y.T.H.S.!

Occupy Our Van Full of Pepper Spray !!

Thank you officer, we were really dehydrated with all this screaming

Well shit, if I knew that the best way to rustle up some “excitement” and get this website viral was to give some peaceful activists the what-for, I would have called it Van Full of Pepper Spray from the get-go and driven from protest to protest gleefully spraying people in their stupid protesting face. Damn! So instead of all the hard work and dedication that we put in almost half of a week per week crafting videos and tirelessly writing story after story, all we had to do was hurt the innocent, well, I guess we’ve been going about it all wrong, and maybe that German guy knew how to go viral all along. Wolfgang Puck.

Now just to be honest, if I were actually smart enough to comment on this whole “occupy” thing that’s sweeping the nation, I probably wouldn’t because someone smart would realize it really has zero meaning except to go out and be a rebel, hang out with your friends, rise up against the machine and yell, yell, yell. I would sit at the cafe reading my iPad and chuckle at the stupidity in which these people are having their voices heard, heard with a mouthful of liquid cayenne pepper whilst I enjoy my mouthful of white chocolate mocha, no whip, thanks. I’d say to myself inside my head, “what in the hell are kids in Davis, CA doing occupying Wall Street? It’s so damn far away, nobody can hear their voices from UC Davis, hell, I can barely hear an ambulance siren in my car when I’m grooming my eyebrows.”. Silly youth!

Occupy my $4 cup of caffeine

So if you want to “occupy” something, occupy our van. We promise no pepper spray, no 99% of whatever it is you’re measuring, and absolutely no talk about religion, politics or that other awkward thing you’re not supposed to talk about around strangers. But we won’t be strangers for long, I mean, it doesn’t take long for the awkwardness to go away once you get in the van and realize there actually IS candy.

Come With Me, Back to Happy Valley!

A couple years ago, 2008 to be exact (the year 2008, not 2008 years ago, I really don’t want to talk about that time… it still hurts.), I set about on a quest. But before we get there, I guess I should recap it all from the beginning, if’n I’m'a gonna.

In April 2006 I needed a creative outlet. I had wanted to do a 24 Hour Comics Day, but those officially took place in October. Not one to be dictated to by ancient chrono regulators, I decided I would do myself an unofficial mid-year 24 Hour. The result was Happy Valley #1, the horrible mis-adventures of Lloyd the Bear, the unhappiest anthropomorphic bear in the land of Happy Valley, where all the happy things lived. In 2008 Happy Valley #1 made its world debut at Wonder Con, selling literally DOZENS of copies!

In subsequent 24 Hour Comics Days I made issues #2-5 (which I still plan on re-drawing and publishing). Over those stories Happy Valley became less a world where all the happy things lived and more a place where things horrible and wrong seemed to happen every day.

Which more or less brings us back to 2008. In 2008 I decided to give myself a challenge. For the next year my challenge was to write and draw a one page comic every day for the entire year, posting them to my ComicSpace page every day. Many times that led me to staying up to the wee hours of the night/morning to get the task done, but I stuck with it and I made it through, all 366 pages worth (2008 was naturally, a leap year, giving me just that much more work to do.)

I was quite proud of the work I’d done and hoped to some day clean all these pages up and make a book out of it. Unfortunately, not too long after that, ComicSpace went through a big change and I seemingly lost all of my posted pages. Also in that time, the laptop that I’d scanned all of those pages into had died and now all I had was the hard copy originals. I simply didn’t have the will to scan and repost all of those again so that was pretty much that.

Until this morning.

I got a seemingly random, unsolicited e-mail which accidentally informed me that all of my Happy Valley pages did in fact still exist on the internet wwws. So I set out to put my Happy house back in order and spent the entire day re-assembling things in as presentable a package as possible to share with all of your fresh new eyeballs. I think there’s a lot of good stuff there and while some days were more torturous than others, I enjoyed doing it and am proud to have done it.

So check out Happy Valley, take it in in small bite sized morsels, or gorge yourself with 366 pages of goodly goodness. How ever you choose to take it, I hope you enjoy, I’m glad to see it back.

Come, visit Happy Valley, there’s plenty to see, and none of it can be unseen.

Would You Like Some Honey in Your Panda Shit Tea?

Yeah, right there, you know you want it !!

Yesterday, VFoC’s own Jesse J. wrote about China and how they’re completely out of control and making us literally shit our pants. Funny he should say SHIT (I could be paraphrasing), because that’s what China is doing to us, YET AGAIN, today. Not only are WE shitting our pants, but the crazy muthafukkin Chinese, well one professor An Yashi to be specific, is collecting cute little panda poopoos and making it into the world’s “most expensive tea”. Ok, I’m very sorry dear delicate reader, I know this isn’t the kind of thing you want to wander over to our website and read on a Wednesday evening, but know this, when you leave our website you’ll be just a little bit more hardened to the real world, the world out there that skirts around issues and makes things bubblegum and candydrops. So continue reading and become an outraged, dreamless drifter like we here at VFoC have become.

Chocolate cake with chocolate frosting please !!

Not long ago, I read a story about some Japanese scientist making nutritious steakstuff out of human poop. Now granted, Japan and China are two different entitites, but they’re kinda the same, you know. Which leads me to the question, “What in the hell is your fascination with fecal matter you Asians?”. First you want to pretend it’s Play-Doh and run it through the Fun Time Play-Doh Meat Factory Playset making tri-tip and filet mignon and now you want to shovel up some of Kung Fu Panda’s finest from the zoo, dry it, shove it in a fine gossamer mesh pyramid tea bag that allows top-quality panda nuggets to reach their full potential, unfurl, and expand for an even and flavor-rich infusion, and then have Teavana sell it to us at the mall? And on top of it all you greedy shit collectors want to sell it at $40,000/lb. ?? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO DO YOU GREEDY SHIT PEOPLE??

Look, I’m not a drug dealer, nor do I know how much drugs cost out there on the street

The latest tea kiosk at the mall

market, but I could venture to guess that I could buy enough blow for $40,000 to get at least a dozen pandas straight jacked out of their gourd and shit directly into my glass of hot boiling water and collect the rest of the other 11′s droppings for many a long cold winter night for years to come. So, my hats off to you for your entrepreneurial endeavor, but let’s get real Chinese tea guy, if people want a hot steamy cup of brown liquid that resembles panda dookie, they could just as easily run over to Starbuck’s and save $39,990.

Cut It Out China! You’re Freaking Us Out!

China is going to murder us from the sky! How do I know? The Googles! The Googles told me!

…

GOOGLES!

Alright, let me back up here, this may require slightly more explanation than me shouting “The Googles” at you until it makes sense. That could take days. Days that WE DON’T HAVE!

First, take a look at this and tell me what you see…

Tasteful lattice work or map of your grave? China knows.

If you said anything other than “The Godless Red Chinese Communist heathens plotting our horrible deaths at the hands of their highly trained elite death guard” then you’re fooling yourself, Jack! I look at that and I see lasers from the fuckin’ SKY man! Lasers and… nuclear…ness! Nuclear death lasers in the sky! Ready to wipe us AND the debt that we never plan to pay back, clear off the face of their Earth!

And I’m not the only lunatic that sees what’s just layin’ right there, out in the open, ready to be Google mapped by just any lunatics with an internet connection and a government tracking device implanted in their dental work! Clear thinking, level headed, reasonable people, immediately branded as “conspiracy theorists” by some and “lunatics with an internet connection and a government tracking device implanted in their dental work” by others, can clearly see what we have on our hands here: the Chinese Area 51!

Dun dun DUN!

We in America have an Area 51, we call it “Area 51″ and just like our very real and very not just clumps of pixellated cosmic rays Martian bases, Area 51 is super real. And based on that absolute fact of reality we then have to assume that the Chinese Area 51, which we’ll call “the Chinese Area 51″ for short, is also very real. And keeping in line with this freight train of logic that I’m hurtling along on, because once I start it’s very damaging to what is left of my fragile psyche to stop and think about the reasonability or “sense” of anything that I’m saying for risk of shattering the thin layer of sanity holding together this undulating mass of violently, unpredictable crazy; the Chinese too must be holding their own space alien ship and or crew hostage as we have been in the American Area 51 which I will heretofore refer to as “the American Area 51″… for short.

Now, what was I saying? Oh, right, China is going to sky murder us.

The popular theories from those that the media have been dismissing as “conspiracy theorists” is that these appear to be “solar energy facilities” or ”test ranges for Chinese missiles, to simulate the street grids of cities.”

Since we know that most residents of China inhale most of their oxygen with a spoon it’s very unlikely that these are “solar energy facilities”. So the next possibility: missile ranges simulating the street grids of cities. And what theoretical city might the Chinese have patterned this completely fictitious street grid after on which to test their fire power? Well, it just so happens that one person has claimed that this is a replica of the Washington D.C. street layout! Yeah! That warmth in your chair is from where you just crapped your pants! I know it! I’m living it!

But now that I think about it, all of this is simply too easy. Chinese orbital battle platforms testing their might against the outlines of our nation’s capital? Right China, like THAT’S what you’re up to. You see, my hyper-brain sees an infinite number of potential explanations for these unexplainable land formations. I look beyond the obvious to the ludicrous, because somewhere between those points, the truth is pointing and laughing at us all. And I punch that bastard “truth” in the face and say, “Hey! That’s fuckin’ rude, guy!”

Now, it is obvious that this is an exact one to one recreation of the street system of Washington D.C., I don’t think that point is in question. Where I disagree is that it is a missile range. I see this for what it clearly is, or more accurately, what it WILL be. Ladies and gentlemen of God’s America, I present to you “America 2″.

Hear me out…

China, as we speak, is hard at work building an exact replica of the United States near the border of Mongolia. Then, as each America 2 city is completed, the Chinese government will kidnap the Americans living in the America-Classic equivalent city and transport them in the night to their new Chinese American homes. So you go to sleep one night in American Washington D.C., then the next morning you wake up in China American Washington D.C., never the wiser! As more America 2 cities are completed, those citizens will again be transported until eventually all of what was the United States is completely empty and ready to be conquered by our new land lords!

Now, you may be asking yourselves, “How did this one man figure out the most devious plot that has ever been hatched in the history of warfare? We should shower him with riches beyond his clearly limitless imagination.” And I thank you for that, but I do these things not expecting to be grotesquely rewarded with all that I could ever need for the rest of my waking moments. I do it for you, the loyal fans. Not so that we can rise up and stop this from happening, I’m not entirely sure that it hasn’t happened already and we’re just seeing images from the initial planning stages of this insidious plot now so that our conquerors can screw with out heads. I’m doing this so that when we do meet someday in our new America 2 streets we can nod to one another knowingly, you can say “You’re the guy that knew.” I can shrug humbly, then you can buy me a drink and we can reminisce about what we remember from when we were American Americans and not American Chinese Americans.

That is, before we have to get back to our stations, tasting poison for no apparent reason. Hey, a job’s a job…

Our future shift supervisor Lee Chin. He can fly, so, we kinda have to do what he says...

US Army Vet Un-invites Cameron Diaz to “Fondue Fun Night”, Invites Zach Galifianakis

The Marines are bringin' sexy back

Holy crap !! When I read today that Justin Timberlake had attended the Marine Corps Ball over the weekend, I thought “Oh my GAWD, did I accidentally stand up Cameron Diaz?”. For whatever crazy reason, I forgot to put the Fondue Fun Night at The Melting Pot in my calendar, but in a fortunate scheduling miracle, I had made the occasion on the same night as the OTHER Marine Corps Ball, the one where Mila Kunis will be attending on November 18th. Phhhhhhhhhhhhew !! I read that JT had an incredible time with his YouTube date even going so far as saying, “Last night changed my life, and I will never forget it!”, just as Fondue Fun Night will change your life Cameron, I swear it !!

Now, granted, I acknowledge the fact that Cam-Cam hasn’t “replied” to my video invite “officially” yet via YouTube or/and an email, a phone call, a comment in these posts, a middle finger, ANYTHING, etc., but I know how busy these celebrity types are with their movies, and their interviews, and their money, all that fucking money. I’m sure it was just an accidental oversight on her part, or her assistant’s part, or her publicist’s part, or maybe her camera phone hasn’t been working lately. It’s ok … I don’t mind waiting around for a reply, I’ll just sit here and … hmmmmmm … you know what? Forget her !! Now that I look back to see when the initial invite went out, it’s been over four months now !! That’s just DAMN RUDE CAMERON DIAZ !! So as of right this minute on today’s date, I am retracting my invitation to you Cameron, sorry, but I’m also a entertainment professional, and I just cant be strung on like this, so, it’s off. I’m very sorry.

So, I’m going to change my invite to somebody who won’t act so unprofessional by toying with one’s emotions. Here’s my NEW video invite …

Tampon Shooters With a Summers Eve Chaser

We here at Van Full of Candy have a long history with partying and drinking, so when we heard what the brilliant kids in Arizona were doing, we decided to make our own list of ways to absorb firewater in ways that will make even the most hardened heroin addict cringe, well, we’d like to think so anyway. But before we get to that lets visit the Phoenix teen spirits in all their drunken glory as I now realize that I ruined the whole story by giving it away in the first two sentences instead of stringing you along for a while and then dropping the guffah bomb in your laps.

Drinks are on the house

In an attempt to get drunk way quicker than sitting around enjoying a Manhattan or an Irish Car Bomb (which will get you drunk quickly) and without all the drunkardly breath that comes along with this “old school” way of tying one on, Arizona teens have been dabbling with something that were usually only used for Aunt Flow. That’s right folks, it’s vodka soaked tampons shoved in boys and girls orafices to save time and allowing one to sneak past the folks and/or cops without smelling drunk. Sounds stupid and dangerous, but honestly, if you really think about it, it’s quite clever. In a modern world of instant everything, fast food, overnight delivery … CARS !! … we don’t really have time to sit around and socialize with our friends over a good meal and a bottle of 7 Deadly Zins, we’ve got shit to do, places to be and websites to touch ourselves with. Shove that cocktail up your ass and/or cooch and get on with the F’ing night.

So in an effort to continue with the rocket scientists in the Phoenix area, we’ve decided to think of a few more ways to … well I guess you already know … so here.

WARNING: Do not try any of the below strategies because they will surely make you sick and/or dead !!

#1 … The Mexi-Mummy: Using 1500 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, cut them into 6ft. x 4in. strips. You’ll need 20 to 30 of them. Once you’ve got them cut you’ll need to place them into a large bucket of pure Mexican formaldehyde (please send email and I’ll send you the website for ordering) for at least 2 hours. Lay out a 8ft. x 8ft. white plastic sheet (I’ll explain why it HAS to be white later) on the floor, preferably carpeted. You’ll need at least two other friends to help you with the next step to ensure that …

You know, I feel that in order for Van Full of Candy to not get sued by the people who actually read this blog and who would probably actually try what I’m spittin’ here, I’ve decided to go ahead and not tell you the rest of the most Trans-Am way of gettin’ shitfaced whilst being duct-taped to a palm tree upside down.