Charlie Sheen: Guru of the new Winning

This is an honest to god open letter to Charlie Sheen. If anyone reading this knows how to get it in front of Guru Sheen, I beg of you, please do. I will do anything, ANYthing, to have this make it into the hands of my new hero so that we can hang all night in our aura of epic that only we two truly understand… Seriously, anything…

I’ve heard a lot of guff lately about the mental state and health of star of stage and screen, one Mr. Charles Sheen. The man has been hounded by questions of his sanity and his sobriety. People think he’s lost it, that the man is rocketing down a road of self destruction on his way to utter collapse and personal, professional and physical ruin. People are talking about how sorry they feel for Charlie Sheen.

"I've got tiger blood and Adonis DNA" - Actual quote.

But, see, you don’t get it: Charlie Sheen feels sorry for YOU.

Can you honestly say that you feel sorry for a man who can walk away from a job that pays him two million dollars an episode to play a toned down version of himself and then without batting a fucking eye say that, sure, he’ll come back, but now you’ve gotta pay him three? And know that he means every fucking breath of it. You think that’s losing? Charlie Sheen will tell you to your simple little face that that’s winning. And I for one believe him. I would be foolish not to. 

See, for too long, the exceptional have had to hide their superiority, to be humble and quiet in their personal knowledge of their uniqueness. The special have been forced to pretend that they’re just like everyone else to sell the normal people the idea that they could ever be special too. But once in a great while, a special person will throw off the guise of normal, relatable, humble every man and show you exactly how wrong you are to think that you could ever be like them. And that scares the shit out of the general public. They call that person crazy and narcissistic and dangerously addicted to drugs, alcohol and sex. I call those people jealous of seeing someone capable of owning the life that they all secretly wish could be theirs.

You see Charlie, I get it. We’re kindred spirits, you and I. In the old days two people such as us would meet on a mountain top and do battle with lightning and magic and the Earth would quake, knowing that it was witnessing the only thing greater than itself and that it’s continued existence was predicated entirely upon our whims at that moment. And the people would fear us, as much for what we do as for what we did not do.

But how do I, you may ask? How do I get it? How is it possible for my normal brain to ever claim to understand someone like Charlie Sheen? Someone utterly incomprehensible to those lower life forms? Because I’m not a sad normal brain like the rest of them Charlie. I am, in point of fact, a certified DOUBLE GENIUS. Shit yeah that’s what I said. But, certified by who you might ask. By myself of course, because how could I expect any of these normals to even begin to comprehend this?

We’re like two super sonic sub marines, tearin’ ass through the sky at a thousand miles an hour and people see us and they don’t comprehend how something so awesome and impossible could even exist. Then it dawns on them bro, they suddenly see clearly for the first time in their sad existence and see us for the bright bolt of light that we are and through their tears they wonder how they lived so long without knowing something like this could even exist. And it’s because they’ve been told that mediocrity is something to be sought after. A goal to be achieved. Nothing makes me sadder than seeing mediocrity being striven for, except maybe for a plate full of uneaten prostitute.

"It could never work Aphrodite, I've got Charlie Sheen DNA." - assumed quote

I understand that what you are putting out now is not anger, but passionate. I didn’t get it before. I didn’t understand that that was what was boiling over in my own samurai eagle heart. I thought I was angry, but that wasn’t it. If I was angry at anything it was with the world for not living up to our own personally standards. But now I understand that this pit of poison tipped rat vampires is only here to keep me from flying like the rocket propelled, birthday cake scented power monkey that I truly am!

You see, I woke up this morning with a helicopter hovering over my building. I go outside for my morning jog, look up in the sky and give the pilot the high sign and when I get back, it’s fuckin’ gone. Coincidence? There’s no such thing as coincidence man. They were there to make sure I was still alive, that’s it. Because the world needs me. I can’t even say any of my ideas out loud anymore bro, because when I do, the next day somebody’s making a million dollars on the easy little shit I say before my morning tea. So now I keep my genius locked away in a box labeled “not genius” and they’re not looking there because really, what that comes from me could ever not be genius, right? See it doesn’t make sense, and that’s what I’m counting on!

I want to hang with you Charlie. Beyond the fire and lightning that our meeting would call down from the halls of the gods of exceptionalism, I’m also selfishly thinking of my own self preservation. When I would put on my medical forms that my blood type was “Tiger Positive” the doctors would look at me with their stupid little questions in their eyes. But now I know that if something were ever to happen to me that there’s someone I can go to for a blood transfusion who would be able to handle it without my own blood kicking back into their body and devouring what was left of their unused soul. But until it becomes imperative for our unique physiology to preserve the last of our kind, we can just get together some Tuesday afternoon, each draw a little blood and have it fight, we can put that shit on Pay Per View and solve world hunger brother.

In closing, I want to make sure you know that I am absolutely serious right now when I say that if this somehow gets back to you Charlie, I want to hang with you. I want to finally feel free around someone who gets it! Give me a call Charlie, let’s be besties, because I am not mocking you, I get you, more than anyone else, I recognize your specialness and I fucking love it bro.

VFoC’s Oscar Predictstravaganza!

It's the "Emmys" of award shows.

It’s Oscar time again, the glittering jewel in the crown of Award Season. The time when all of the biggest names in the flicker shows all get together and give each other trophies of naked faceless men. And we at Van Full of Candy are legally obligated to lift our faces skyward and take notice of the greatness of these Silver Screen demigods by way of predicting which talkies will be rewarded for their splendiferousnessitude… Oscar picks!

We have randomly (not really) selected a hand full of categories to make our respective predictions. We will each be making individual picks for each category based on our respective areas of knowledge and expertise. So let’s meet the award show guessers.

In the green corner…

Jesse: I’m a long time viewer of the Academy Awards presentation ceremony festivities program, and as such I believe I have found a valuable insight into the minds of the academy which will help make my predictions logically flawless. If there is one thing consistent from year to year, beside no one having seen the majority of the nominated films, it’s that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences love Nazis. Nothing polishes their Oscar more than a good master race picture show. So I have devised a highly scientific formula which will determine which nominee in each category is the Naziest, and therefore, the most likely to give the Academy a grief boner.

And in the blue corner…

Jason: I pick my movies the way I pick my favorite football teams. By how awesome their uniform is. Since none of the movies that we are making predictions for had any kind of cool posters or covers, I only half-heartedly watched any of them, and I was usually on Valium to make it through any of them because of my migraines. So with my thorough knowledge of these fine movies, I will make my predictions based on my acute memory and my love for flashy uniforms.

So let’s get to the picks.

Art Direction

Alice in Wonderland // Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 // Inception // The King’s Speech // True Grit

Now you might say that this one is a no brainer based on my system. “The King’s Speech” is all about Nazis, and a talking king I guess. But take a look at the other nominees, they all have a little bit of Nazi in them if you are willing to just look hard enough for Nazis in everything, like I am. And with this being the Art Direction category, I must look for the most artful depiction of Nazis in film this year, and really, “The King’s Speech”? Isn’t that a little on the Nazi nose? Not artful at all. So then, which movie has the most artful depiction of Nazis? (Winner: True Grit)

(My pick: Alice in Wonderland) The only real art that could actually be directed would have been in Alice in Wonderland since it was set in a magical place. The other movies weren’t really magical, except MAYBE Harry Potter, but the art in Alice was the most “alive” and “real” and could actually take direction from a human being. This should be the easy winner, however Potter will come in a close second. But if Potter eeks out a win, I change my mind to Harry Potter.

Documentary Short Subject

Killing in the Name // Poster Girl // Strangers No More // Sun Come Up // The Warriors of Qiugang

Terrorism? Iraq? Global Warming? China? Nonsense. The Academy couldn’t give a shit less. Israel? You bet your foreskin! (Winner: Strangers No More)

(My pick: Sun Come Up) All the other movies are about war and death and killing, that’s just way too depressing. Sun Come Up is at least about something cheery, global warming. It’s like a warm spring day as you lay in the sun that’s beaming through your window. This should be a favorite to win.

Foreign Language Film

Biutiful // Dogtooth // In a Better World // Incendies // Outside the Law (Hors-la-loi)

Calling the foreign language film winner can usually be very difficult as the only thing that’s ever happened in most foreign countries was World War II. This year is a little different. While some of the films attempt to tell stories that don’t some how come back to how much of a meany Germans were, the award goes to the one set after the Big One. (Winner: Outside the Law (Hors-la-loi))

(My pick: Incendies – Canada) This one is a hands down winner, so if you’re into betting, bet the farm.  I can totally understand what Canadians are saying for the most part. The other movies were just way too hard to understand. They may as well have been speaking Greek. However, I could pick out a few words in the Mexican movie, but they totally spelled Beautiful wrong, so that’s the second main reason I didn’t pick them.

Makeup

Barney’s Version // The Way Back // The Wolfman

It’s a well known fact that Hitler was working on a project to develop Nazi wolfmans. And any time anyone attempts to make Paul Giamatti look like a human being is like a practice in eugenics. But you can’t beat a good gulag road picture. (Winner: The Way Back)

(My pick: None of them) I think the Academy really messed up on this nomination and now an award will sit alone backstage. First of all, Wearwolves don’t wear makeup, they don’t have time, and the other two movies are about men. My grandpappy told me “Men don’t wear makeup”, so, considering nobody in any of these movies actually wore makeup, there cannot be a winner. Stupid.

Music (Original Score)

How to Train Your Dragon // Inception // The King’s Speech // 127 Hours // The Social Network

Original Score refers to all of the music in a movie that you normally would never listen to. For this category I purchased each of these movie sound tracks and played them as loud as I could in my living room while locked in a closet in a neighbor’s bedroom to determine which sounded most like the sound of an approaching war machine. (Winner: How to Train Your Dragon)

(My pick: The Social Network) This category is really really hard to pick a winner for because none of the music was made by a pop star whos name I recognize. I’m just going to have to go with Trent Reznor only because I know he was in a nail band and made cool sounds that actually don’t sound like music, so yeah, I’m gonna go with that based on principle.

Sound Mixing

Inception // The King’s Speech // Salt // The Social Network // True Grit

Truth time now. I’ve seen 2 1/2 of these nominees, none of which was “The King’s Speech”. But I have to assume, that at some point in the movie there is, if even in the background, a clip of a shouty, angry Fuhrer screaming something in foreign. And if that’s audible at all, then show’s over folks, call this one a Nazi. (Winner: The King’s Speech)

(My pick: Two way tie between Inception & The King’s Speech) Sound mixing is one of those things that you love, or you just straight up hate. It just happens that I straight up hate it, so based upon the number of people it took to mix the music for these movies, I’m gonna have to go with the ones who had the less people because they had to work that much harder. My picks only had three people doing all the work and the other three movies cheated a little with four people doing the work.

iPad 2 Features Revealed

Gather ye multitudes and bear witness to the second coming

The Apple rumor mill is in full swing this week with rumors of the new iPad. Lucky for you, Van Full of Candy is always on the bleeding edge of technological scuttlebutt. We are forever privy to insider information and are always in the VIP sections of all computer’y thingy’s related soirees where hundreds of geeks gather for the cyberworld heavens to open and bestow upon us the latest gadgetry in which we shall giggle uncontrollably, then give our paycheck offerings to the black, mock turtleneck swaddled deity, Steve “Immanuel” Jobs.

The announcement for the new iPad 2 will be announced next Wednesday to the press, as seen from the invitation that we just recently received above. However, Van Full of Candy got a special “secret SECOND invitation” as well, one that Mashable didn’t even receive. One that let us actually play with the new electronic Etch A Sketch yesterday, and although we signed a non-disclosure agreement, we just can’t keep this gizmo’s deliciousness from our loyal fans. Aside from the mundane, normal features that everybody is expecting, like two cameras, or bigger speakers, and cool new holes for plugging things into it, here are the REAL upgrades that nobody was expecting from the soon to be released iPad 2.

The resolution is making me cry

Real Retina Display – In an ever increasing race for unmatchable clarity in handheld devices, Apple has found the ultimate retina display available. The eye of a whale. The dimensions of a whale’s eye is coincidentally the exact size of the iPad 2 which makes for a perfect display. We found that the wet, slimy screen was a little hard to get used to, but God the clarity is so worth it.

Quick Porn Invisibility Mode – If you’ve ever been browsing the

If only the sound would have stopped too

underbelly of the internets, you’ve probably come across a website or two that might borderline on the NSFW variety. Well now those “getting caught porn handed” days are over. The new iPad 2 has an infrared sensor that turns the whole damn thing invisible when anybody gets within 6 feet of you when you’re browsing porn. Brilliant! In our tests, we found that this mode works well with hiding the embarrassment of browsing icanhazcheeseburger.com as well.

What luck that his last name was Shrinker

Built In Professional Espresso Maker – In an agreement between Apple and Starbucks, a full blown effort to rid coffee shops of these techy-caffeine-junkies who set up shop in your local Starbuck’s has been put in place. The two megapowers put their zillion dollar budgets together to create the smallest, professional grade espresso maker that will fit in the iPad 2. The La Marzocco FB/80 Semi professional espresso maker has been created by the Dr. Shrinker shrink ray which Jobs acquired once the show was cancelled. The 64GB version comes with an actual barista.

Next year we'll have one for the bathroom

Doorstop Mode – In an effort to be more sustainable and keep their devices out of landfills around the world, Apple has smartly introduced the doorstop mode. Once you purchase your iPad 2, an App will install automatically about 364 days after the purchase, the exact day your device will become obsolete with the new iPad 3. When you press the Doorstop Mode App icon, the iPad 2 will then fold into a wedge shaped doorstop. Voila! Your doors stay open and you just saved another whale, which Apple will then kill to make two more iPad 3’s. The circle of life.

Me: 1 - Whales: 0

Let’s Play the Ad Game

Buy our new chicken tenders: they won’t rape you like our competitor’s fish sticks might!

It just took me ten seconds to write that, and half of that time was spent looking up whether or not anyone’s ever been raped by a chain restaurant fish stick. And what I’ve just created is what we in the advertising game call a “Rage-portunity”.

As I’ve detailed in the past the purpose of advertising is not to inform or entertain, but to manipulate and illicit a reaction, whether it’s a positive one or not doesn’t matter, all that matters is that you remember it. Because long after you’ve forgotten that I gave you my word that my appetizers were almost entirely rape free, you will still remember the name of Admiral Tasty’s Home for Battered Fish. I don’t think that you’re being constantly manipulated by advertisers preying on your basest human emotions is any big surprise. What I do think is surprising is how it continues to work just as easily today as when the first cave man said of his new line of pointed sticks “Ogg, grog ooh! Ooo! Ah-ah-Ooo!” Provocative to be sure, but he couldn’t be-point sticks fast enough after that feces smeared message appeared on a rock across from the fire.

You'd be Waco not to try our new "Firey Compound Sampler"!

This little gem apparently appeared on the sky line of South Bend, Indiana a couple weeks ago. They have since been removed after complaints from residents who called the campaign irresponsible and thoughtless. And those people are wrong.

Why do I say that? Is it because I am simply a contrarian, poised at the drop of an opinion to mindlessly, reflexively take up the opposing argument out of a desperate, sad play for attention, any type of which, whether it be positive or negative, I wrongfully translate into “love”, equating the very act of being acknowledged as a confirmation that my existence is not futile and anonymous, that in fact the universe does hear my shouts into the void and that the annoyed groans of those who answer back are the closest thing I will ever experience to an actual inter personal connection with another living being?

Shut up…

You’re stupid and your hair smells dumb.

No, in fact I say this because there was nothing “thoughtless” about this billboard. You don’t put a fifty foot fuck you to 900 corpses in the sky without hundreds of someones looking at it and approving it before it even gets off a note pad. The question comes down to, does it work, and is it worth the investment?

I’ve never been to Indiana personally, and as far as I can tell,  Hacienda Mexican Restaurants isn’t a national chain, so I’d never heard of the establishment before. I’ve heard of it now. Plus, I know that their margaritas are so good, you’ll think they’re poison. And after a brief search for rates for a 14′ x 48′ billboard, I couldn’t find how much it might cost to insult the families of 900 dead cult followers, or what exactly one would have to pay to shock and outrage those more easily shockable and outrageous commuters of a small midwestern town. Again though, I imagine the national attention and coverage would certainly have cost quite a bit more.

Now, I don’t want to say that people are predictable and easily manipulated, because you’re so handsome and or beautiful that even attempting to do so would be an insult to your colossal intellect and firm, luscious breasts and or penis. I also don’t have time to show you the exact equation to represent the inverse effect of negative publicity on the volume of cheesed tortilla chips sold, or the precise calculations on the effect of referring to your lightly alcoholed sugar rimmed frosty drink as a “9/11 of flavor” versus a “Holocaust of fruit in your mouth oven”. I have them, but they only exist in glossy color chart form in my office where I teach young ad execs how to easily remove their soul so that they can store all of the money their protested ads will be making them.

“Our role is not to be controversial or even edgy. We want to be noticed…” said the vice president of sales and marketing at Hacienda while trying to stifle a giggle as he thumbed through the wad of cash in his pocket. It’s not hard to shock people today, we’re such an insulated society that continues to pad itself against more and more of the obscene and crude world around it while simultaneously lapping that same smut up with a spoon. Things that were considered common place and ordinary a few short decades ago are now looked at with shock and confusion that any of it was ever allowed to happen without immediately being followed by a flurry of lawsuits detailing how seeing someone do something that had nothing to do with them hurt their feelings ever so much.

But who am I to dismiss a winning formula? It seems arrogant and dishonest of me to believe myself above it all when I so desperately want to draw eyes to this very site. So with that in mind, allow me to introduce my new ad campaign for Van Full of Candy:

Van Full of Candy, it’s what Hitler would laugh at!

Jawohl ist VFoC sehr lustig!

Justin Bieber Cuts His Hair

Pouty McPouterson gets a big boy haircut

Scientists at the Clones ‘R’ Us Laboratories in Santa Monica, California have been on high alert for a new endeavor that is about to come down their cell replicating pipeline. The infamous hairdo of Justin Bieber has been shorn like a little sheep, the exact species that Clones ‘R’ Us have perfected in their duplication processes. “We can’t wait to get our hands on that little F’ers hair. We’re going to make the biggest Bieber Army this world has ever seen”, said one of their lead scientists. “… Hundreds of thousands of little Biebers so every teenage girl can have their very own Justin. Not only are we going to clone Justin Bieber, but we’re going to try experimental tests that we’ve never even thought of doing before. We will be planting some of his hair like the

Chia Bieber says: "Good morning, you're so beautiful"

magic beans from ‘Jack and the Beanstalk’ that will grow the most amazing Chia Pet that you’ve ever seen. Bieber’s head comes to life and tells you positive things about yourself every morning as he swings his hair and smiles at you. We also plan on making a daily vitamin supplemented with the oil of his hair so that you will always have the stamina of a 16 year old boy coupled with a singing voice like an angel.” There are so many things that the laboratory plans on doing with this magical coif that they promise we may never suffer through disease or famine ever again.

Not only are scientists jumping on the

An old man and a 12 year old girl

Garden of Eden theory that Justin’s hair will bring the world, but an old hairstyling product has emerged with a breath of new life that will sustain it FOREVER. The only way to cut Justin Bieber’s hair without losing a single strand was to use the 80’s styling tool “The Flowbee”. The carpenter who invented the Flowbee in the late 80’s is beside himself that Bieber has signed on to create a new customized version called “The FlowBieber”. “Holy shit I’m gonna be RICH!!!”, you could hear him screaming from two states away.

Bieber’s publicist said “We knew we couldn’t trust Justin’s hair with any styling tool, we had to capture every hair possible, because any piece that touched the ground had to be burned in honor of the unicorn that died because of it.”

Don't EVER count FLOWBEE out!!

This “haircut heard around the world” is also going to bring in a whole new stream of Bieber fans too. Since the haircut, Justin resembles an awkward 12 year old girl, so a whole new male demographic of tween boys and over 40 men will soon be jumping on that bandwagon as well. So all we have to say is … thank you Justin … your hair and your voice from Heaven made this world a better place, and now, it will make it a perfect place.

VFoC’s Presidents Day Fun Facts

The public school system is failing. Ask any public school kid now a days to give you the names of every US President and they’d probably have a hard time coming up with even half of the 59 men who have served in this country’s highest office.

That is why we at Van Full of Candy take our role as keepers of the flame of history and smolderer of the embers of knowin’ stuff very seriously. And while you may know that Abraham Lincoln chopped down a rope bridge to escape cannibalistic tribesmen only to lose the artifacts he fought so hard to procure, or that George Washington would routinely refer to himself in the third person and was generally kind of a dick, there are so many interesting facts about those other ones too. 

So it is with great pride and honor that we present to you on this day, Van Full of Candy’s President’s Day Fun Facts:

Smelled of Strong Man body oil.

John Tyler, Jr. (March 29, 1790 – January 18, 1862) was the tenth President of the United States (1841–1845)

Before being elected the 10th President of the United States, John Tyler had many odd jobs, including, but not limited to, bee salesman, wooden indian, snake confuser, gypsy strangler, boat anchor, cart wheeler and wild dog tracker. Well into his second year in office President Tyler would, for a nickle, allow visiting dignitaries the opportunity to guess how many jellied sweets resided in the over sized jar that he kept on his desk.

Lost his neck to a shifty Frenchman.

James Knox Polk (1795-1849) was the 11th President of the United States (1845-1849)

President Polk isn’t one of the more famous Presidents, his face isn’t engraved on stone monuments, nor does it reside on any currency. He was, however, one of the hardest working Presidents in history, if not the hardest working, so much so, that he died three months after his Presidency ended. He was the “dark horse” candidate that surprised everyone by actually winning over Henry Clay of the rival Whig Party, which is surprising coincidence since Polk never wore a wig. No! He had gorgeous locks of long flowing hair, and he is actually the first President who declared an actual hairstyle, “The Mullet”. He was a barber’s nightmare, and a redneck’s hero. He loved his hair and was quite a vain individual. He was the first President to have an actual picture taken of himself. He took a self portrait of himself in a bathroom mirror. It was the beginning of the Facebook profile pic.

Once ate 3 1/2 bears.

Rutherford Birchard Hayes (October 4, 1822 – January 17, 1893) was the 19th President of the United States

Ruthoford B. Hayes once famously wrestled the time traveling future ghost of Warren G. Harding in the Oval Office for thirth seven confusing minutes. Historians report that throughout the altercation the spector of Harding kept angrilly referring to President Hayes as “Taft” despite the President’s repeated assurances to the time displaced phantom that he neither was this Taft gentleman nor did he know of whom he was speaking.

Always called tails.

Chester Allen Arthur (1829-1886) was the 21st President of the United States (1881-1885)

Known as Elegant Arthur for his expensive taste in clothes and home furnishings, Chester would like to prance around the streets of Vermont with a small dog in a fancy “shopping” bag. It is said that he once spent $17 for a pocket kerchief that was made entirely of the tears of Sitting Bull (in modern day currency values, the kerchief was worth $3,200). He was very smitten with the piano and writing poems. One of his poems was actually used verbatim for “The Whisper Song” by Ying Yang Twins. Not only was he a contributor to the music industry, but he was also the model for Quaker Oats oatmeal, and was the great great grandfather of Captain Kangaroo.

Isn't your grandpa.

Benjamin Harrison (1833-1901) was the 23rd President of the United States (1889-1893)

Lovingly referred to as “Old Man Ben”, or “Who’s that?”, Benjamin Harrison was in all actuality the 23rd President. It was during a time when the United States decided not to have a President anymore, and good ol’ Ben was accidentally elected when his bar tab was mistakenly dropped into an old ballot box that was supposed to be thrown away at Obadiah’s Tavern. He had a very low key term since nothing happened in America those four years, but one odd bit of history was that he got his face on a stamp in 1902.

Kicked a man to death in West Virginia on a dare.

Gerald Rudolph Ford, Jr. (born Leslie Lynch King, Jr.; July 14, 1913 – December 26, 2006) was the 38th President of the United States

The Emancipation Proclimation was an executive order enacted by President Abraham Lincoln on January 1, 1863, which in effect signaled the immediate end of slavery in the United Stated. Despite this though, it is a little known fact that Gerald Ford was the first US President to hold the office while not currently owning slaves. Ford sold his last fourteen slave only three months before Richard Nixon’s resignation. That streak of non-slave owning Presidents was of course broken in 2008 with the election of Barack Obama.

Be at Peace, Sweet Cocks

During my customary afternoon search for all cock related news stories, I came upon a rather ridiculous article.

Now that's a cock fight I'd like to see. Am I right ladies? ... Fellas?

The basics of the story all fit together like well worn pieces of your classic, run of the mill stupid criminal news Madlib: Two guys pulled over for a routine traffic stop, cops see something suspicious in the back of their truck and take a little peaksie and naturally, inside the box is a felony jackpot. The obvious, immediate reaction that I have to these stories is the same that every right thinking potential criminal would have. If I am going to be driving around, a box of felony in the bed of my truck, I make damned sure that my vehicle is in perfect working order, with every flasher and blinker and bobbler and boobler all flashing and blinking and bobbling and boobling to it’s utmost, factory specifications so as not to attract any sort of unwanted attention to myself, and my cargo of prison time. But for every intricately planned and flawlessly executed Las Vegas casino heist filled with close calls, beautiful criminal master minds and crisp, tightly paced, world class banter, there’s a batrillion idiots with rickety pick ups, hauling around crates of loosely packed crime, just begging to be pulled over on their way to more criminality.

But what set this story apart from the rest might not be what you’ll initially think. You see, the two master criminals were hauling a box of chickens. As I understand it, hauling chickens in a box in and of itself isn’t a felony, but professional MMA chickens apparently have to take a bus. These two gentlemen were immediately arrested for improperly transporting bad ass chickens, and while they were taken away the coppers made a trip to their no doubt lavish hotel/casino, professional poultry fighting association sports arena where they found a “fairly large scale” operation of nearly 250 bench pressing chickens and their “fighting implements”, by which I assume they mean silk trunks and knuckle tape.

Now, even at this point, still not a story worth more than a simple glance and quick calculation of exactly how many buckets of original recipe that was that they just discovered, battling for the enjoyment of all of those enthuseists of fight. What did grab my attention was this.

All of the brave, fighting fowl, just trying to make an honest buck and claw their way out of poverty the only way they know how, with their claws, all nearly 250 “game birds” that authorities “rescued” from this fighting ring, were summarily executed.

They killed every last chicken.

I’m no stranger to taking up the fight for an unpopular cause, on more than one occasion I’ve argued in favor of bunny stabbings and I once talked a young mother out of ever caring for her new born child, but right now I am going to take an unpopular, but correct stand.

I am arguing in favor of cock fighting.

Chick "Thunder Wing" McGilliclucky, 9/26/09 - 2/17/11

After shutting down this “disgusting”, “inhumane”, “blood sport”, and saving these poor, not exactly defenseless creatures, Henry Brzezinski, Chief of Animal Services did in one fell swoop what he was supposedly saving these animals from. He told reporters that “The birds were humanely euthanized because they were either in bad shape physically or their behavior was too aggressive for them to be rehabilitated.”

So then, what exactly was accomplished here? I think the only person who got anything out of this was this sick-o Brzezinski who got to live out a mass execution fantasy that would normally be frowned upon but that he suddenly had a workable excuse to follow through on.

The end result of this is 250 dead chickens, bottom line. So how is their “humane” euthanizing any better than fighting to the death in the ring, like the modern day gladiators that they are? This state is in a financial crisis and we’re just going to throw away 250 perfectly good fighting chickens? You caught the guys, good for you, I’m not defending animal sport fighting as a whole, obviously it’s barbaric and deplorable… But if you’ve got 250 chickens that you’re just going to put down anyway, where’s the harm? Put that shit on Pay Per View with all proceeds going toward future farm animal fighting death prevention programs.

If there is one and only one thing that I do know for certain in this life, it’s that this was not what any of these magnificent fighters would have wanted. What this man did was rob these majestic birds of their pride and dignity. They were fighters, fighters of cock, and they deserved to die in the ring, doing what the betting public loved, clawing and scratching their competitor’s body to ribbons with the assistance of razor blades tied to their feet. That’s all they knew, that was their entire world and this man took it upon himself to decide what was best for these courageous, talented, crazy attack chickens.

So shame on you Mr. Brzenzinski, may you be haunted forever by the muscular, angry ghosts of 250 fighting chickens, stricken down in the prime of their careers. This is truly a dark day in the world of sport; a day that shall forever taint the proud name of cock fighting.

Is That A Knife In Your Head Or Are You Just Happy To See Me? (VIDEO)

It only hurts when my heart beats

Surgeons in southern China successfully removed a rusty, 10-centimeter knife from the skull of a man. The man shamefully goes by the name of Li Fuyan (which in ancient Chinese writings means Numb Brain). Li has been wandering around China for the last four years with a 4″ knife lodged in his head. AND HE DIDN’T KNOW IT!! Seriously Li? When the robber shanked you in the jaw and the blade broke off in your head and you started having really bad headaches and your breath turned rancid, you thought you’d wait four long, miserable, painful years to get your shit checked out? Not after, oh maybe 4 hours? 4 days, or even 4 weeks? But 4 F’ing years?? Well my hats off to you sir, you are one tough son of a bitch! Perhaps this is just a sad example of the healthcare in China, or maybe the man was just an utter dumbass. I’m going with the latter.

Four whole inches of throbbing Chinese steel, lucky for him it wasn

Justin Bieber: Canadian Jihadist!

God bless A'murkuh!

As a great man once said, “Yer ‘ither widdis, ‘er yer aginnis.” after which we as a nation waved our tiny Chinese made American flags non stop for seven straight years while singing the national anthem as loudly as our little voices could carry it. Today, our President spends most of his waking hours apologizing for America’s inherent awesomeness and the other half pretending he has a birth certificate. And our pop stars are allowed to run rampant, besmirching this great nation of ours to anybody with a note pad and tape recorder like they have some kind of damned constitutional right to do so. Remember what happened when the Dixie Chicks tried to pull that shit? Of course not, because all evidence of the existence of the “Dixie Chicks” has been removed from public record and anyone that says the name of that non-existent band is rounded up for additional reconditioning by agents of the former administration. So I’m kind of in a hurry to finish this up here before I am rightfully taken from my home by force and beaten night and day for my crimes.

But now, far removed from those ice cream and cookies glory days of complete obedience to the crown, our teens, tweens and twinfants are being indoctrinated by a floppy haired little illegal alien with the voice of an angel and the heart of a god damned baby Sadam Hitler Bin Stalin!

Justin Bieber hates America.

I personally always knew that his music was a blatant attack on all who heard it and have been trying to warn people of the repeated anti-American lyrical content. People would laugh and say I was too old, that I just didn’t get it and ask me where my pants were. But who’s pants now?! We give and we give and we give to him. We buy his merchandise, we go to his movies, we allow him all of the teens he can eat and after all of these things that we as Americans have given to this Canadian hate monger, this is how he repays us.

“You guys are evil,” he told some hippie magazine writer. “Canada’s the best country in the world.”

Unedited, out of context quote, directly from the enemy combatant’s mouth. In an interview appearing in tomorrow’s “Rolling Stone Magazine Publication Periodical Leaflet Brochure”, this foreheadless ice licker spews his message of hate for all of the news stand going public to read. And since that demographic is so laughably insignificant and pitiable, I am making sure that all of the world wide internets can hear my fear and anger about something that apparently happened but that I have no first hand knowledge of!

In the good old days, a statement like that would be the last we would ever hear from a foreign celebrity on our soil. The interview would have been abruptly ended by a battalion of masked, privately contracted security forces storming into the interview room and shouting incoherent code words and short hand that really only means anything to them. A burlap sack would have been pulled down over his dreamy, pouty face with special care taken to muss his trademark as roughly as the captor could stomach. After which he would be whisked away to an undisclosed location to be held without trial for as long as was deemed appropriate. We as a country have gone soft and are too afraid to do what’s right to people who call us names!

And while that would seemingly have been enough for any publicist or management team with any sort of desire to maintain their ridiculously cushy gravy train to immediately spring into action, hurriedly clarifying exactly what he meant to say while frantically pushing their meal ticket toward the door, he was inexplicably allowed to continued the interview. Apparently, so personally stricken by “Bieber Fever” themselves, his management team was too busy elbowing each other in the ribs and giggling “Did he actually say that?” to realize that their entire world was about to explode right in front of their eyes by their super star’s next admission.

... Wait, what?

Justin Bieber believes in the divinity of sexual assault?

You fuckin’ heard me right, jack!

When questioned further about his anti-abortion beliefs (why the fuck Justin Bieber is being asked about his stance on abortion in the first damned place I don’t know, unless we’re planning on electing another FOREIGNER President!) in regard to “extenuating circumstances such as rape”, this little Canadian Taliban’s response was:

“Um. Well, I think that’s really sad, but everything happens for a reason.”

…

He what?

…

That’s right ladies, you were raped… with a higher purpose in mind. So says the Bieber.

To really expound on that statement would obviously be pointless. It’s the kind of thing a homeless person screams before running into traffic and barking at every green car that hits him. But apparently he said it and apparently, (until the flood of awkwardly worded press releases come streaming out of Team Bieber, trying desperately to put the rape back in the bottle) he believes it. I honestly couldn’t be giddier about his team’s gross mishandling of his former career and just hope this turns out to be as gigantic a cluster Bieber as it could be.

I take it all back Justin, I love you so hard. Keep on keepin’ stupid.

What Is … “Suck My Binary Code”

This ... Is ... Jeopardy!!

In his ever increasing swellheadedness and in his continued effort to belittle people, Alex Trebek has brought onto his show an IBM super-computer, Watson, to pound its human foes into nothing more than little puddles of humiliation. Alex, smirking in admiration the whole time, says “Oooooooh, no, sorry you imbecile, the correct response was … What is … my computer wins!!”

Now mind you, these “humans” aren’t just ordinary game show folk, they are former über-champions. Ken Jennings won 74

Look at these morons actually clapping for me

straight games … seventy freakin’ four!! His total amount in winnings was over $3 million. Then you’ve got the other human opponent, “Brad” Rutter, who is the biggest all-time money winner on Jeopardy! with three Jeopardy! Tournament Titles with earnings of over $3.2 million. The two top geeks of all time.

I am so much better than you in every way

On last night’s show, Watson, who was lovingly named from his team of never-been-outsider’s, killed its competition of never-been-outside-much’ers by chiming in first, 24 out of 30 times, and getting almost all the questions correct. “That goddamn laptop is killing us!” said Jennings when he stood in disbelief at the speed and accuracy of Watson and looked at his buzzer as if it were broken. It must be pretty hard for two ultra nerds to be completely handled by plastic parts and transistors that were made in China, but they’ll be back tonight for another sound thrashing.

This time however, Brad Rutter has a little surprise in store for Watson if he starts getting too cocky. “I’m going to bring in a flash drive that I’ll insert into Watson’s lower extremities if he starts embarrassing us again.” The flash drive will be used to upload “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective” to dumb the computer down a bit so the former champs will have an opportunity to catch up, and if all else fails, they plan on plugging an Epson color printer into Watson’s neck and watching it slowly die as it desperately tries to install the printer drivers.

Watson has no fear that he won’t wipe up the floor tonight with Ken and Brad. “These humans don’t scare me one bit. I’m related to HAL and you see what he did when human life forms got in HIS way.” Watson also goes on to say that he has plans on being on an episode of Wife Swap, and that he would also really love a stab at Survivor: Redemption Island.

Thank you for making us, you'll all be dead soon